


Loving you feels wrong

by clexa_is_endgame47



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Character Death, Clarke dies, Clarke is dead, Clexa moments, Commander Mechanic, Commander/Mechanic, Drama & Romance, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/F, Grief, I don't know why I'm hurting myself this way, I think I love lexaven as much as I love clexa, Lexaven, Modern Era, Slow Burn, This is a painful fanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:27:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 46
Words: 92,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26834428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clexa_is_endgame47/pseuds/clexa_is_endgame47
Summary: To one she was a wife, to the other a best friend. Clarke Griffin is dead. And the two most important people in her life are trying their best to navigate their grief and every other emotion that this death has caused, and be one another’s comfort in this difficult period. What happens when dealing with their grief together, turns their bond into something more questionable, even to them? ; Their fondness for one another growing unexplainable and very guilt-inducing.OrThat problematic trope of falling in love with your dead wife’s best friend.I’m all for Clexa endgame, but this is me trying to write something new, a Lexaven fic, if you will. Hope you’ll give it a chance.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Lexa & Raven Reyes, Lexa/Raven Reyes
Comments: 111
Kudos: 217





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, welcome to this new story. I LOVE CLEXA WITH ALL MY HEART. But I'm trying something new cause I also love Raven Reyes and I think she's a wonderful character to navigate. If you're like me, and love Clarke and yet decided to read this, please know this story has been painful to write and it will be painful to read, so you've been warned.
> 
> There will be happy times for them, at some point it'll stop being a problematic relationship, but to start off, it may just come across a wee bit questionable. But I hope you stick with it anyway. 
> 
> Please note there are a couple of flashbacks in the very beginning.

Chapter 1:   
  
Flashback.

It was prom night, last year of middle school. Lexa hadn’t asked anyone out, and it seemed like no one was actually making it a big deal to ask someone to be their partner. Of course there were a few couples, but everyone else seemed to think of this party as just a graduation party of sorts. They’d wait until the slow music was booed at enough to get the beats going and then they’d all be dancing like crazy. Happy to be done with middle school and on to high school. 

Lexa was popular among her friends, they looked to her as someone who was very sure of herself, of her attitude, her presence. She was always confident and outgoing. She had also managed to build a reputation for herself as the school’s lesbian heart-breaker. Regardless, she still managed to get a lot of attention from the ladies. Even though they knew she could probably just be playing around. 

Everyone was having a good time that evening, Lexa and her gang of friends were standing at the far end of the gym, just looking around, not really caring much to dance yet, when one of them nudged her elbow and said 

“I dare you to walk up to Clarke Griffin and ask her to dance with you” 

Everyone knew Clarke Griffin. She was the school’s smartest. She would probably make valedictorian when they actually graduate too. The teachers loved her, the students loved her, even the students' parents loved her. 

“Hah! The fact that you think it’s a challenge to get her to dance with me, is a wonder in itself” Lexa boasted. 

“Well then prove it” 

“Fine” Lexa said with an air of confidence, as she pushed herself off the wall she was leaning against, adjusted her jacket, straightened the collar proudly, and walked with confidence towards where she knew Clarke Griffin was standing. She was standing with her usual bunch of friends, and they were talking to a couple of guys who’d accompanied them here. 

Truth was, Lexa had known of Clarke Griffin and had also known she was the prettiest girl in school. And even though Lexa’s success rate of getting the girls she wanted was always great, she knew there was a chance a smart girl like Clarke would reject her.

So even though she would never admit it, or let it show, her insides were turning upside down at the idea of asking Clarke to dance with her, would Clarke say yes, would Clarke realize it was some stupid dare, would she completely humiliate Lexa. Would Lexa recover from said humiliation?

Lexa was two feet away from where Clarke stood and Clarke had just made eye contact with her, when a tall guy appeared out of nowhere and stood before Clarke, interrupting her conversation with the brunette woman next to her. 

“Dance with me, Clarke.” the guy said. 

“Finn. uh Hi.” Clarke spoke, looking suddenly agitated. 

“Well? You can’t turn me down, come on.” Finn said. 

“I’m not really in the mood to dance, Finn…” Clarke said. 

“You didn’t even bring a date, let me be your guy.” Finn insisted. 

“Finn…” Clarke began to protest again. 

“She can’t dance with you Collins, cause she’s here with me.” Lexa spoke and took the last few steps towards them. 

Finn looked at the source of the voice and then back at Clarke. 

Clarke took a moment to understand their play but then adapted quickly, she stepped closer to Lexa’s side and put her arm through Lexa’s and said 

“That’s right. I’m here with Lexa” Clarke said. 

“I saw you enter alone.” Finn said. 

“That’s creepy of you, Collins.” Lexa said condescendingly, and she could almost feel Clarke lighten up beside her. 

“Well, yea, whatever.” He then turned to the brunette that was standing with Clarke. 

“New girl, Raven right?, do you want to...” 

“Float yourself, Collins” Came Raven’s indifferent tone. He walked away trying not to look as defeated as he was. 

As soon as he was gone, Clarke took a hand out from where it was linked in Lexa’s and stood to face her. 

“Thanks, that was… a quick save.” Clarke said. 

“Yea, no problem... It was... nothing.” Lexa said to her, nervously touching the back of her neck, already feeling her whole body getting nervous to be this close to The Clarke Griffin, let alone talking to her. 

“The guy is relentless!” Raven said, looking annoyed. 

“Hi, I’m Lexa, we haven’t met.” Lexa said, putting her hand forward to shake Raven’s. 

“Raven’s new here” Clarke said “She moved here this year and will be continuing with us through high school” 

Once they were introduced, there was an awkward silence. 

“Anyway, I uhh… should be going… over there...” Lexa began to say once she’d been introduced to Raven, and pointed at no particular destination. 

“Wait, you came here with some intent didn’t you? I saw it in your eyes, you were gonna come talk to us” Clarke noted with a raised eyebrow, looking at Lexa. 

And that’s when Lexa allowed herself to truly look at Clarke. She was blown away by just how blue her eyes were. It wasn’t for the brunette clearing her throat beside Clarke, she would have forgotten to reply altogether. 

“Yea well…” Lexa sneaked a look back at where her friends were at the other end of the gym,

“Your friends dared you to come over, didn’t they?” Clarke asked, when she noticed Lexa looking back at the group at the other end of the gym.

Lexa looked at Clarke. She was right about Clarke being smarter than anyone else here. 

“Well, it’s not as simple as that” Lexa said nonchalantly. 

“They dared you to ask Clarke to dance with you.” Raven said with a smirk. It wasn't even a question, she was sure of it.

Clarke looked at Raven for a moment and then back at Lexa and said “okay” 

“I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to, and I won’t care if you leave mid-song either… wait. Did you say okay?” Lexa realized mid-rambling that Clarke actually said okay. 

“I did” Clarke replied. 

“Wow! Okay. ummm...” Lexa put her hand forward, hoping Clarke would take it.

“You haven’t really asked me yet, you know.” Clarke noted, but took her hand anyway and Lexa wanted to say something on the lines of how the next time she asked Clarke to dance it would be on her own terms and not her friends’.

But she couldn’t form words. THE Clarke Griffin was going to dance with her. A woman. Was Clarke even into women? From what everyone knew, she’d only ever flirted with or shown interest in guys. 

The song changed the minute they were on the dance floor, the DJ announced that it was the last slow number for the evening and the crowd erupted with delight that they would get to REALLY DANCE after this one. 

Clarke put both her arms around Lexa’s shoulders, and it took a second for Lexa’s brain to send signals to her hands. She placed them on Clarke’s waist a few seconds later. 

‘I’ll stand by you’ by The Pretenders was playing, and the pairs around them were couples that most students recognized to be dating or crushing on one another. They, however, were the odd ones out. The pair no one expected. And Lexa was very aware of the gazes on them. 

“So what made your friends dare you ask me to dance?” Clarke asked.

“They’re just up to no good, I mean, they’re looking for a way to entertain themselves…” 

“No, what I meant was, why is it a ‘DARE’ to ask ME to dance?” 

“Oh.” Lexa said. “That’s easy. You’re Clarke Griffin. Everyone knows you, smartest girl in school, doesn’t take any bullshit from anyone” 

“True. That's my reputation. And to help you understand where I'm coming from, let me attempt to articulate your reputation- School’s star player- soccer, and girls’ hearts, Can have any woman she sets her eyes on. So why was it a dare to ask me?”

“I guess they wanted to see me fail. They weren’t expecting you to say yes to me.” Lexa said. 

“To be honest I would have said no, but what you did was pretty sweet, so I owed you one.” 

Lexa nodded, not wanting to think about the fact that Clarke said she would have said no, right now... 

“And if I may say so, they’re not really good friends if they want to see you fail.” Clarke added, looking towards them. 

Lexa laughed at that, it was true. She hadn’t really found a genuinely good bunch of friends through middle school, the ones that hung out with her were merely with her cause of her popularity. 

“Well, jokes on them, they definitely weren’t expecting this” Lexa said. “So thank you, for dancing with me, dares aside, I’m honoured to share this dance with you. You make a lovely dance partner, I'm shocked you’re here alone.” 

“I see what the girls see in you. It’s effortless, the charm.” Clarke said, biting her lip a little bit and smiling like she’d figured Lexa out. 

“There’s too many layers to me, Clarke, one dance won’t be enough.” 

“Is that your way of getting me to ask you to take me to another? Cause I can see right through it.” Clarke said 

Lexa was stumped. She laughed. 

“I was right about you,” Lexa said. 

“And what was that?” Clarke asked. 

“That I’d have no chance with you.” 

“Again. The manipulation!” Clarke exclaimed as she rolled her eyes, but then laughed when Lexa frowned. 

“I’m kidding around with you,” she tried to comfort Lexa’s wounded ego. 

“Good,” Lexa said with a smile. 

They seemed to be okay with the silence as they moved with the music, Lexa found it oddly comfortable. It was in fact magical if she really thought about it and she really didn’t want the song to end. She liked this song, it said so much. And from the way Clarke was humming it, it seems like Clarke liked the song too. 

“You said that you would have said no if I had really asked you to dance.” Lexa stated.

Clarke smiled into her shoulder now and the feeling sent goosebumps down her body. What was that? 

“Ahaan” Clarke said. 

“Why?” Lexa probed. 

“I don’t want to be another conquest,” Clarke said very matter-of-factly. 

“Fair.” 

They were silent again. 

“But what if I told you you weren’t going to be just a conquest?”

“I’ll decide if and when you tell me that,” Clarke said 

“Fair” 

They were quiet again. 

“Let’s make this even more disappointing for your friends, shall we?” Clarke said then, looking up into Lexa’s eyes with a spark of mischief. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: 

“How so?” Lexa asked. The song was coming to an end, and Lexa was genuinely curious. 

“Are they looking this way?” Clarke asked, 

Lexa sneaked a peek “Yes. I mean, it’s you and me, everyone’s looking.” 

Clarke laughed then, and before Lexa could grasp what was happening, Clarke brought both her hands to Lexa's cheeks to hold her face gently.

“I’m going to kiss you now if that’s okay? And then we can go about acting like this never happened okay?” 

Lexa was speechless. 

“Earth to Lexa? Did I break you?” Clarke asked with laughter in her tone. 

“Uh.. no, um… yea I mean… you can if you’re okay with that.” 

Clarke didn’t say anything, she smiled, and leaned in, and Lexa felt the floor beneath her shift. 

Clarke’s lips were silk, pure silk. And she couldn’t breathe. Even when Clarke’s lips left hers, she had to be reminded to take a breath. When she opened her eyes she noticed Clarke’s eyes were still closed. The last bars of the song played out, Lexa leaned in and softly kissed Clarke again, this time, making sure to move her lips the way she knew how, and she received in kind, a unique brush of the softest lips she’d ever kissed. 

This time when they pulled apart, Clarke's blue eyes looked dazed. 

They were sure they heard a couple of whispers and gasps around them. 

“Clarke…” she tried to speak 

Clarke leaned in, close to her ear and whispered a string of digits to her. It took Lexa a moment to comprehend, Clarke was giving her her number. 

Lexa tried to focus on remembering it. She tried visualizing the numbers. Her visual memory was always better than anything else. 

“Text me, when you’re ready for more than another conquest.” Clarke said, and kissed Lexa on the cheek once before turning around and moving through the crowd to go find Raven again. 

  
Lexa couldn’t remember anything else about that night. The next thing she knew, she was in her bed, staring at the number she’d just saved on her phone. 

“Clarke, Hi. It’s me, Lexa.” she texted. She received a reply 20 minutes later. 

“Hi Lexa, Raven’s only been to this school for a year now, and she’s already updated on your reputation. She says, and I quote “Lexa’s a heartbreaker. Think twice before you get involved with her.” 

“That’s a pity” Lexa replied, biting her lip. And then she thought about her next few words before typing and hitting send. 

“Do you believe her?” she asked Clarke.

“I like to make my own observations. But tell me, should I not believe her?” 

Now here was a question that made Lexa think too. 

“I’m afraid I don’t know how to answer that, if I’m being completely honest.”

“I appreciate that honesty.” Clarke said. 

There was no message then between them for a good 5 minutes until Lexa wrote 

“I gotta ask, Clarke, are you into women? I mean, I’ve only ever seen you with men” Lexa wrote. 

“Very creepy of you, Woods.” Clarke imitated Lexa’s words from earlier. “But good catch. I believe if the right person comes along, it doesn’t matter if they’re a man or a woman.” 

Lexa thought about what she wanted to say next. She wrote and decided not to overthink it, just hit send. 

“Clarke, can I take you out for coffee?” 

“Are you asking me out on a date?” came Clarke’s reply. 

“Yes, I guess. And for what it’s worth, I don’t want you to be just another conquest.” Lexa clarified for Clarke. 

Clarke was typing. Then the three dots disappeared. Then there wasn’t a reply for about 15 minutes. Lexa had never been this nervous. She even considered taking back her words. 

The three dots kept appearing and disappearing. 

“And I should just take your word for it?” Clarke asked. 

It was an important question. 

“No, let me take you out on a couple of dates, and then you can decide.” Lexa offered. 

She knew it wasn’t going to be easy. Clarke was different. Clarke could see right through her charm and words, even though she seemed to enjoy them. She seemed like someone who would better appreciate all that Lexa had to offer beneath that surface. And for once, Lexa was excited to let someone see that side of her. Lexa herself was surprised at how this night was progressing. She was this close to landing a date with Clarke Griffin. Someone she never thought she’d be seen next to, not cause she couldn’t, but because she simply wouldn’t. Because no woman like Clarke entertained people with Lexa’s reputation. No woman like Lexa was supposed to hurt a woman like Clarke. And if Lexa was being honest with herself, she hoped she would never hurt Clarke. 

“Alright. I like that you said coffee and not the movies or a dinner date :P” Clarke wrote. 

“So that’s a yes?” Lexa asked, smiling at her phone as she waited for Clarke’s reply. 

“Meet me at the coffee shop near school an hour before classes start.” Clarke replied. 

Lexa would need to wake up early. She never woke up early on days where she didn’t have soccer practice. She liked sleeping in but the thought of Clarke's company excited her. 

“I’ll see you there,” Lexa replied. 

“I’m looking forward to you not breaking my heart, Woods” 

“Why do I have a bad feeling you’ll break mine before I can suggest another date, Griffin?” Lexa replied. 

“Don’t get ahead of yourself. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see ;). Goodnight Lexa.” came Clarke’s reply. 

“Goodnight Clarke, and once again, it was a pleasure dancing with you, every second of it.” 

Lexa hoped she knew she meant even the part where they fake kissed to teach her so-called 'friends' a lesson. 

That was where it all began for them, all those years ago.   
  


**Present Day**

Here is where it ended. 

Lexa swore she couldn't breathe. And this had to be the millionth time in the last 48 hours.   
She gasped for breath, like her lungs were collapsing, she could feel arms around her, familiar arms, but everything felt useless. 

Even the familiar voice in her ear, whispering, trying to offer words of comfort between sobs. Useless. Nothing could comfort her at this moment. Her body felt weak, her mind unable to form coherent thought, her soul beaten, she had lost the love of her life. Her only reason to live, had died and was being buried into the ground right before her eyes.   
She could feel the gazes on her, she could feel their intense stares, pity, pain, sympathy. She’d always been a sponge, able to absorb energies around her all too easily, and that's why she knew, it wasn’t just her grief she was dealing with, it was the collective grief of all of Clarke’s loved ones gathered here today to bid their last goodbyes to their friend, a daughter, a best friend, a colleague, her wife. 

The casket was being lowered into the ground, and Lexa felt her body go weightless. It was Octavia who was holding her, but Lincoln quickly came to hold her too, seeing her lose all energy to stand on her own. 

Lexa couldn’t take her eyes off the grave, she did for a second, to look at Abby, being held in Raven’s arms. Both of them, torn apart, almost as severely as Lexa herself. 

Lexa could feel their pain too. Clarke was Abby’s pride. Her little baby girl who’d grown to be such a wonderful human being, who’d touched so many lives. And Raven.   
She’d been Clarke’s soulmate since high school. They’d grown together. If there was anyone who knew Clarke better than Lexa, it was Raven. 

Raven who’d lived so much of her life by Clarke's side, and since Lexa and Clarke had first met one another she’d been so much a part of Lexa’s life too. Raven had witnessed their love bloom. Raven was the one who saw them through it all. She was the one who rooted for them from the moment she first met Lexa. 

Lexa looked down to the grave once more, the funeral directors were arranging for the necessary rituals, the grave was being filled up now, and with every shovel of mud into the ground, Lexa felt her heart grow even more numb than it did the night she got the news. 

She closed her eyes and let the tears flow, she didn’t care how she looked, or sounded or behaved right now. Her heart was irreparably broken.   
  
Once most of their friends and family had shared their condolences with Abby and Lexa, most of the crowd that had gathered for the service had dispersed, leaving just Lexa, Abby, Raven, Octavia, Lincoln, Bellamy, Echo, Murphy and Emori there with them. 

Lexa was sitting by the grave, her face still, her whole demeanor too still to be normal. 

Raven was holding Abby and whispering words of comfort to her. Octavia came up to Lexa’s side, but a comforting hand on her shoulder and said “Whenever you’re ready, we’ll drive you back home” 

Lexa didn’t want to go home. Home wouldn't be home anymore. Not without Clarke. 

It was almost an hour later, when Raven came up to Lexa’s side and gently touched her arm, 

“It’s getting cold, we should be getting home now, Lexa, we should get Abby home too.” she said. 

Lexa didn’t take her eyes off the grave. And neither did she respond. 

“We can come back here tomorrow, or whenever you need, I think it’s important to take Abby home now.” Raven said. Her voice dry from all the crying. Lexa took a minute to gather her thoughts. Yes, they should be making sure Abby gets home okay. So she finally looked up at Raven, and she knew she should have expected it, she’d seen Raven crying, but looking at her eyes now, red-rimmed and so broken, she couldn’t help but feel for her too. 

Then again, Lexa thought she probably looked the same. She too had been crying nonstop for 2 days now. 

With Raven’s help, Lexa got off the dirt ground, dusted her clothes a bit, and walked up to Abby. 

She put her arm around her and whispered “Let’s go home...” 

Lincoln was waiting by the car, he had driven his SUV here, so he quickly opened up the doors and Abby, Lexa, and Raven got in the back seat, while Octavia took the passenger seat.

Lincoln bucked in his seatbelt, looking into his rearview mirror to check that they were all seated comfortably, before stating to no one in particular   
“Mrs. Griffin’s place first right?” 

Raven nodded. Abby was staring ahead blankly, and Lexa’s gaze was focused out the window. 

Lincoln looked to his side to find Octavia wiping a tear from her cheek, she reached out and squeezed her hand, and then began to drive. 

They’d all lost someone so dear to them today, how were they supposed to just pick up the pieces and go on. The path ahead was going to be difficult to navigate. 

For any parent, to lose their child, to outlive their own little one, must be devastating, Lincoln thought. He couldn’t imagine such a thing for Octavia and him. They’d been married for a year now and they’d had discussions in the past about wanting kids. No parent should ever have to bury their own child. 

And then there was Lexa, Lincoln thought. He’d never known a love as wild, passionate and enduring as Lexa and Clarke. Of course, he loved Octavia with a vigour that no one would understand, but when he watched Lexa and Clarke grow in love, it was like watching a fairytale come to life. There was something about two women who could know each other so well. There was no clear definition of where one began and the other ended. They were one. They walked, talked, and loved as one. It was evident in every moment spent with them. It was in the way Lexa would gaze at Clarke when she talked about her day, or in the way Clarke would nuzzle her face into Lexa’s neck when they had movie nights with friends at their place, or in the way the two of them always moved around one another like life was a choreographed dance. 

He was brought out of his reverie when he heard a sniffle. It was Lexa. her eyes were closed and she was crying again. Abby who was seated between them put her arm around Lexa and brought her close and Lexa cried bitterly into her shoulder. 

It triggered Raven’s tears too. 

“She died knowing we love her, and that’s enough.” Abby said.

“I wish I was there! I wish I was with her!” Lexa exclaimed. 

“Shhh” Abby cooed into her hair, her own tears flowing endlessly. 

“There’s nothing we could have done, no way we could have known.” Raven said, helplessly. 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: 

When they reached Abby’s place, they got out of the car to see her in, but she insisted they were all tired, and they shouldn’t feel obligated to stay, that she had asked Kane to come over so she’d have some company and they shouldn’t be worried. She had only started seeing him a couple of months ago and Clarke had been happy for her when she told her she’d met someone. 

They said their goodbyes and when Raven hugged her, she promised she would come by and see Abby soon. 

Lexa was the last to come up to her, she wrapped her arms around Abby and through sobs said “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” 

“Oh Lexa… please don’t” Abby comforted her. 

“I made vows, I was supposed to protect her, I was supposed to keep her safe…” 

“You can’t blame yourself, you can’t. There’s nothing you could have done.” Abby spoke between tears. 

“I should have insisted she not go,” Lexa cried. 

“After all these years of knowing her, do you really think she would have let you stop her, you know how stubborn she gets… used to get.” 

Abby pulled out of the embrace then, and wiped at Lexa’s cheek. 

“Don’t lose yourself in grief. Grieve, and then remember, cherish her memory, take care of yourself for her. That’s all I ask. ” 

“Abby…” Lexa felt so out of place. Abby was comforting her, but she knew Abby’s loss must feel the most severe. 

“She was my daughter Lexa, I don’t think I’ll ever get over this, but you, you have so much to live for.” 

“I can’t think that far into the future right now.” Lexa choked, she was beginning to feel out of breath again. 

Abby looked towards Raven, and Raven came up to them and put an arm around Lexa to lead her to the car. 

“Goodbye Abby, we’ll call tomorrow” She said as they left. 

On their way home, Lexa couldn’t help but think about the time she first met Abby. 

**Flashback**  
  
Clarke and her had been dating for 6 months, and things were going better than she expected. Clarke was witty, bright, and such fun to talk to and be with. And all of it just added to how attractive she already was in Lexa's eyes. 

Lexa had been careful to not rush into anything, she wanted to get this right, and the more she got to know Clarke, the more she wanted to change whatever ideas Clarke had about her from the usual gossip in the hallways of school. 

Lexa didn’t initiate a kiss until their 5th date. Clarke admitted she’d been wondering why Lexa hadn’t kissed her yet and she’d decided she was gonna do it, had Lexa not initiated it that night after their dinner date. 

One afternoon in the 6th month of their relationship, Clarke asked her to come over to her place to watch a movie. It was the first time she was actually going to be spending time with her girlfriend at her place. usually she'd just stop by to pick her up, or they'd spend time at Lexa's. And so there they were, sitting on Clarke’s bed in her room watching Pretty Woman. Apparently, it was Clarke’s go-to film, and Lexa didn’t mind one bit, Julia Roberts was always a pleasure to watch.

Lexa had her arm around Clarke, and Clarke was snugly tucked into her side. They were midway through the film when they heard Clarke’s front door close, and Lexa tensed up beside her. 

“Relax, it’s just my mom.” Clarke said. 

“Oh” Lexa said. Clarke noticed that it did not calm Lexa down, it only tensed her up further. 

“Does she know you have someone over?” Lexa asked. 

“Uh, yea I told her I was inviting you to watch a movie with me.” Clarke said nonchalantly. 

Clarke hit pause on the movie and then took a moment to look at Lexa carefully. 

“Are you okay?” she asked. 

“Yea yea, uhhh, I just gotta ask, does she know I’m your girlfriend?” Lexa asked. 

This time Clarke tensed up. And Lexa noticed it instantly.

“Well, no, not yet… I just… I mean the conversation never came up…” Clarke stammered nervously. 

“That’s cool. I mean, it’s alright, you don’t need to tell her.” Lexa played it cool, she knew she shouldn’t want Clarke to do anything she’s not comfortable with, but deep down, she didn’t want Clarke’s mom thinking she was just another friend, when she was something more. She was something more to Clarke right? Wasn’t that what they were now? They’d been dating 6 whole months now. Did Clarke not see it that way? Did she think this wasn’t going to last? Lexa’s thoughts were racing. 

She hit play on the movie and tried to stop herself from overthinking what it meant that Clarke hadn’t told her mom about her yet. ‘Focus on Julia Roberts! Focus on Julia Roberts’ she tried to tell herself in her head. She was so focused on trying not to focus on what it all meant, that when Abby knocked on the door and Clarke said “come in” she didn’t have enough time to pull her arm away from around Clarke, and when she did, Abby obviously noticed.

“Oh hi! You must be Clarke’s new friend” Abby said as she approached them. 

Lexa quickly got up from the bed and walked over to Abby

“Hello, Mrs.Griffin, yes, my name’s Lexa. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Lexa said. 

“Likewise, Clarke’s been taking your name a lot recently, I was hoping to run into you one day, sooner or later” 

“Oh really? Well yea, umm, we’ve been… friends for a while” Even saying it like that was odd to Lexa, but if Clarke was not ready to tell her mom yet, that was that. It was okay. 

“That’s wonderful, Clarke, why didn’t you invite Raven too? You girls could have all had a sleepover tonight.” Abby said to Clarke. 

Lexa turned to look at Clarke now sitting on the bed and she looked deep in thought. 

“Yea Clarke, why didn’t you call Raven too?” Lexa doesn’t know what came over her and what she was trying to prove, but the words were out there now. 

“She’s got homework to complete,” Clarke lied. Because the truth was, they never asked Raven to join them. It was just going to be them watching a movie, and maybe making out a little before Lexa had to leave for dinner at home. 

“Anyway, I’ll leave you two to it, have fun, and Lexa, feel free to stay for dinner too if you like, I’d love to get to know another new friend of Clarke’s”

Lexa smiled charmingly and said “Maybe another time, Mrs.Griffin.Thank you”

“Any friend of Clarke’s is always welcome.” Abby said and left. 

When Lexa walked back to the bed, her arms folded across her front, Clarke wasn’t making eye contact with her, and was biting her lips nervously. She chuckled and said, 

“We could make a drinking game with the amount of times my mom said the word ‘friend’ in 5 minutes.” 

Lexa sat down beside her and laughed softly, but Clarke could sense there was no joy there. 

“Hey, you know you’re not just a friend to me right?” Clarke angled herself to face Lexa, and even reached out to cup her cheek gently. 

“Yea I know that,” Lexa said, placing her own hand over Clarkes’ and then kissing the corner of her palm. 

“I’ll tell her, soon” Clarke assured

“I believe you.” Lexa said, giving in. She did believe Clarke, and of course she didn’t want Clarke to feel obligated to do it if she didn't want to, she was just trying to figure out why Clarke hadn’t told her mom yet. 

“You’re beautiful,” Clarke said to her with an angelic smile. 

Lexa couldn’t help but smile back, “And you’re extraordinary,” Lexa whispered, cause Clarke’s lips were so close to her own now, she just wanted to taste them.

Clarke connected them instead. Kissing Clarke always felt like the first time. It always felt new, it always took her breath away. So as they kissed, Lexa allowed herself to forget her worries for a moment and revelled in the scent of Clarke, her Clarke. She let her fingers find Clarke’s beautiful blonde hair, and stroked her hair as they kissed, lightly traced the outline of her face. 

But before the kiss could get heated, Lexa pulled away and suggested they continue the movie, wouldn’t want Mama Griffin walking in on them with their lips intertwined. 

Clarke seemed to have sensed Lexa’s unease and decided to talk to her about it after the movie was done. 

Lexa however couldn’t concentrate on the movie anymore, all she could think about was whether Clarke thought this wasn’t gonna work out between them. 

20 minutes before the movie could end, Lexa hit pause and said 

“Babe, I think I should head home, I’m not feeling too good.” Lexa said, taking her arm out from around Clarke and shifting to get up from the bed. 

“Wait Lexa, what’s wrong?” Clarke looked so genuinely worried, Lexa hated herself. 

“It’s nothing really, I just... should get home and rest.” 

“Are you sure? If you just need to sleep, you can nap here” Clarke offered. Lexa couldn’t look her in the eyes, she had reached the door. 

“No, I think I'll be able to rest better at home.” Lexa turned the knob in the door. 

“Wait, don’t I get a kiss goodbye?” Clarke asked softly, she sounded defeated and Lexa was really just internally bashing herself. 

She quickly came back to Clarke's side and gave her a chaste kiss on her lips and whispered “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” 

Clarke nodded and watched her leave. That was the first time Clarke felt like Lexa hadn’t meant that kiss at all. 

Later that night, Lexa was tossing and turning in bed. She just couldn't get her head to shut up. All she could hear inside her head was ‘Clarke doesn't see this going anywhere. Clarke’s gonna call it quits anytime now.’ It was 2 am in the morning and she had unread texts from Clarke. 

“Hey, how are you feeling?”   
“Can you call me if you’re awake?”   
“I think we should talk”   
“Lexa, are you upset with me?” 

Lexa was staring at the words from her notification bar and she couldn’t help but tear up a little. She’d definitely fallen so deeply in love with Clarke, she’d never felt this way about any girl before. She wanted Clarke for however long she could have her, and just admitting that to herself was scary, it was new for Lexa, this whole feeling. And she was so afraid now, Clarke was going to break her heart. 

She opened her texts and replied. 

“Hi, yea sorry, I just woke up. I must have overslept.” 

“Lexa, what’s going on? Why did you leave like that?” Clarke replied.

“I just… I needed some time to think.” Lexa replied.

“About what? What aren’t you telling me?” Clarke asked desperately. 

“Clarke, why doesn’t your mom know about me, is there something you aren’t telling me?” Lexa finally just let it out. 

Instead of a reply, she saw her phone light up, ringing, Clarke’s beautiful blue eyes and that caller ID. 

She picked up. 

“Lexa, let’s talk about this please” Clarke sounded so desperate. 

“What’s there to talk about? I just need to know if you have a reason for not telling your mom, I mean if you’re not serious about us Clarke, I’d appreciate it if you told me now, we can go back to being strangers, you don’t have to explain anything to me, I’ll be out of your hair in no time, just, I wanna be sure that we’re on the same page here…” 

Lexa kept silent then. The other end was so silent too that Lexa could have sworn Clarke had hung up on her, 

“Clarke are you there?” she asked. 

“Lexa I’ll call you, okay?” Clarke said and then hung up. 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:

Lexa was so confused. Was that it? Was that how things were going to end between them? 

Lexa hugged her pillow, and for the first time in years, she felt such a severe ache in her chest, like someone was tearing it apart. 

It was 3 am now, and Lexa still couldn’t sleep. She kept checking her phone to see if Clarke had called or texted. She didn’t care much about her loss of sleep, tomorrow was Sunday. She’d make up for the sleep. She just really wanted to hear Clarke’s voice right now. 

But instead a text came in- “Sorry, it’s too late to call you I guess, Lexa can you please come over for breakfast tomorrow morning, we’ll talk, okay?” 

Lexa replied quickly “okay, I’ll come over at 10 am?” 

“That would be perfect, please try and get some sleep.” 

“You too.” Lexa replied. 

This was probably the most emoji-less conversation they’d had since they first started talking. 

Lexa fell asleep, upset, a little after their exchange.

  
It was 10 am and Lexa was at Clarke’s door. She rang the bell and waited. She heard Clarke’s voice from inside call out “I’ll get it” but there was Abby’s voice a little closer that said “I got it” 

When Abby pulled open the door, Lexa expected a warm smile from the woman she’d met yesterday, instead she was greeted with arms folded across her chest and a raised eyebrow with an amused smile. 

“Good morning, Mrs. Griffin, ummm, Clarke invited me over for breakfast...” she felt she nodded to explain.

“Yes, I'm aware.” Abby said. 

There was an awkward silence then until Lexa saw Clarke rush up to them and nudge her mom a little out of the doorway 

“Mom, I said I'll get the door, also, you could let her in, you know?” Clarke told her. 

Abby looked back at Lexa from head to toe and then moved aside and said “Come in, I’ve already served you a plate.” 

Lexa nodded nervously. She was nervous again. Why was she nervous, she’d already met Abby yesterday, then why was she getting the sort of vibes that she was being judged. 

When Lexa stepped in, Clarke immediately linked her arm through Lexa’s and whispered, 

“I’ll explain” and then she said out loud “Mom, let me talk to Lexa for a moment in the living room, and then we’ll join you for breakfast, okay?” 

Again, Abby looked at Lexa suspiciously but finally nodded and went on into the kitchen. 

“Clarke what is going on?” Lexa finally asked once she was seated on the couch Clarke had led her to. 

“I came out to my mom last night.” Clarke said as she sat beside her. 

And then it hit Lexa like a brick in the head. Clarke was still in the closet about her sexuality. Abby didn’t know. That was why Clarke probably couldn’t tell her about them yet. 

Fuckin’ IDIOT LEXA. 

Clarke saw it the moment Lexa connected the dots, her eyes widened in shock.. 

“Oh my god, CLARKE, I’m so sorry” Lexa started.

Clarke chuckled and took both of Lexa’s hands in hers lovingly. 

“If you’re gonna break up with me now, all of my bravery from last night would be for nothing,” Clarke said with a hint of a smile. 

“BREAK UP WITH YOU?! I WANT TO MARRY YOU!” Lexa said a little too loudly. 

“Shhhhh” Clarke said, a wider smile on her face now, but still looking a little unsure. 

“Oh God, Clarke, did I force you into doing this?! I didn’t know. I thought your mom knew about you, god I feel horrible now. I’m so sorry, I thought you didn’t like me enough, I even thought you were going to break up with me this morning after breakfast, I’m so sorry. If I had known, I would have been a little more understanding...” 

“Shhhhh” Clarke said and leaned in close and quickly kissed Lexa on the lips, a tear falling from her eyes when she pulled back, Lexa quickly wiped it off her cheek and kissed her cheek gently too. 

“Oh Clarke...” Lexa breathed a sigh

“It’s okay… I was scared… ever since we started dating, I’d been rehearsing in my head how I was going to tell her, I knew I wanted to tell her I was bisexual, I just didn’t know when would be the right time, I was waiting for the right time, but then yesterday, I saw how it upset you... I felt how it upset you. 

That kiss before you left, it made me feel so empty, I just knew I had upset you so bad, and I wanted to make it right. And when we spoke on the phone at night, you sounded so unsure, so ready to move on if I was not there with you, on the same page as you said, and I couldn't bear that. 

I couldn’t bear the thought of you thinking I was not in this, because God! Lexa, it’s only been 6 months but I want to spend every minute of my day with you, I've never been so sure of anything. And that's where I got all that bravery from last night, I knew I had to talk to mom. I knew I wanted to assure you that I’m in this, and if you needed my mom to know about us to believe that, then that’s what I wanted too.”

“I feel horrible.” Lexa said sincerely.

“No, you don’t have to, it was a long time coming, it was about time she knew, and I’m so glad that she knows now.” 

“How did she take it?” Lexa asked, she was so curious.

“Clarke?” came Abby’s voice from the kitchen, “ Lexa? Your breakfast is getting cold.” 

Clarke smiled wide. “I’ll give you all the details later, just don’t get scared if my mom threatens you or anything okay? She’s always been overprotective of me when it comes to partners, ever since my dad passed away.” 

Lexa nodded nervously. 

Clarke leaned in quickly and stole a kiss once more. And then took Lexa’s hand and tugged her to follow her to the kitchen. 

Lexa stopped her just before they could enter and pulled her in for a longer, more meaningful kiss, making sure Clarke went weak at the knees. When they pulled away, Clarke looked dazed. 

“There’s that kiss again.” Clarke said, chasing after Lexa’s lips for more. 

Lexa chuckled softly, and said “What you did, last night, for me… I can’t… you’re just incredible, Clarke… I lo…” 

“Shhhh. Don’t say it now. Later okay?” Clarke said with a dazed, lazy smile, staring at Lexa’s lips, shushing them with a finger on her soft lips.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you.” Lexa said anyway.

“I hope you still feel this way after my mom interrogates you” Clarke joked. 

“Nothing can change my mind about you, Clarke Griffin.” 

**Present Day**

Lexa was brought out of her reverie when they’d reached home. Octavia and Lincoln came upstairs to their apartment with them and sat in the living room with them for a while. 

They were all silent. There was nothing to say. Raven had placed a jug of water on the coffee table and first poured Lexa a glass, but she said she wasn’t thirsty. So she decided to just keep it there before her. 

It was supposed to be a simple trip to an old friend’s house. Clarke wanted to go see Wells’ mom and dad. Ever since Wells had passed away 6 years ago, she would go every year up to their cabin to visit them on his birthday, spend the day there with them and they would sit around and cherish his memory. 

Lexa had offered to go with her, but she insisted this was something she did on her own each year, and she didn’t wanna bother Lexa’s work schedule with it. It would be one night away. Wells’ family always treated her like their own, she was like a daughter to them and they looked forward to this day every year. 

She’d been so excited to go see them. Even now Lexa could picture Clarke’s bright blue eyes sparkling with delight every time she narrated memories from her childhood spent playing at Wells’ house. 

But now Clarke’s smile that was once so filled with life, was haunted by the image of her lifeless, still body, her face, fixed in too much rest, too still, too cold. 

Lexa’s chest hurt so much she wished it would just explode, she wished she could be with Clarke, wherever she was right now, heaven, purgatory, the stars, hell, yes, she’d even go to hell with Clarke anywhere with Clarke. If only she could have an opportunity to redo the last few days she’d insist on going wherever Clarke went, she’d insist that was their vow and she wasn’t going to break it even for one trip through the woods. 

“Is there anything you guys need? I think a couple of grocery stores may be open, I can go pick up some stuff” Lincoln offered, and Octavia's soft smile was encouraging and sweet. 

Raven smiled softly too “No, Lincoln, there’s no need, we have everything stocked up, Clarke made sure of that…” 

Lincoln nodded.

“But thank you, thank you for all your help today.” Raven said. 

“No please don’t thank me, I know the friendship the four of you shared through college, Octavia has told me so much about you three, I want to do anything I can to help you deal with this…” 

Raven nodded with a smile, and Lexa nodded appreciatively at him. 

After a few more quiet moments, Raven spoke to Lexa, “Hey, should I get you something to eat?” 

Lexa simply nodded in the negative. 

“You should seriously eat something Lexa, it’s been two whole days” 

“I’m not hungry.” Lexa said. 

“It doesn’t matter...” 

“Please Raven… Don’t. Just don’t.” Lexa snapped at her. It was unfair, and Lexa hated herself immediately, but she was clearly losing control of her emotions and she was taking her anger for herself out on Raven, and she truly didn't mean to. 

“Alright, I think we should retire for the night, it’s been a long two days.” Raven suggested. 

Lexa didn’t respond, but when Octavia and Lincoln got up to leave, she walked them to the door, thanked them both for being there for them and then closed the door and leaned her head against it for a moment. 

“She was your wife, and my best friend in the whole wide world. We’ve both lost her Lexa, and I understand…” Raven began.

“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!” Lexa said, turning around and sliding down against the door, completely breaking apart once more, and she could feel Raven, though a few feet away from her, breaking apart too. 

“This isn’t some competition…” Raven cried out. 

“Please, please leave me alone… please.” Lexa cried into her own arms, her arms wound around her knees that she had brought up close to her body. 

Then there was silence in the hallway. Raven wasn’t here. She’d probably gone back into the living room. Lexa broke down, bitterly crying, heaving, mourning the loss of her wife. Hating herself for being difficult to Raven right now, but hating herself more for letting Clarke go. 

When she finally built up the strength to get up from the floor of the hallway, her legs felt like jelly, she had to hold the side of the wall to walk straight. She was weak, she’d cried out every last bit of water from her body and she hadn’t eaten in two days, not because she wasn’t hungry but because she knew she wouldn’t be able to stomach a thing. 

She’d tried. When they’d gotten back home from the morgue, Octavia made some soup, they’d forced her to have something, as the next day, the day of the funeral was going to be tough, she’d taken a sip, and then felt her stomach turn. 

The sight of her beautiful, beautiful wife, cold and lifeless kept coming back to her behind her eyes. And she couldn’t help but blame herself. She didn’t deserve to live, she didn’t deserve food, she didn’t deserve any form of care, she let her wife die. Alone. In the cold woods. She took her last breath alone, with no one there to hold her or tell her how much she was loved. How much she meant to them all, how much she meant to her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, what do you think so far?   
> Do leave me a comment with your thoughts :)   
> and feel free to tweet me @clexa_endgame47.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the positive response on this story. Here's a couple of new chapters. Love hearing from you guys. Hope you're all staying safe and well. I'd suggest reading a little bit of chapter 4 just to refresh your memory of where we last left off in the present day. This chapter has a flashback.

Chapter 5: 

Lexa looked into the dark living room, to find Raven had pulled out the sofa bed, but she was tucked into the corner of the bed, by the armrest of the sofa, her neck craned awkwardly against the backrest, and asleep. 

Lexa knew she owed Raven an apology, but she didn’t wanna disturb her sleep right now, they were all so tired from the last few days. She walked slowly over to the side of the bed where she could reach Raven and pull a cover over her form. 

She then got to the stairs and began to walk upstairs to their room. Her room. The room she shared with her wife. The room she’d made love to Clarke in for 4 years now, 2 of those years they’d been engaged and living in together, and 2 years married. Raven had been there through it all with them. 

This last one and a half year she’d moved in with them. It was Lexa’s suggestion when she came over one day saying her lease was ending soon and she needed to find a new place, but the rates of renting a place had gone up and the garage she was working at wasn’t going to hike her pay anytime soon. 

Lexa thought it was the solution that made the most sense. Their rent split 3 ways would be the most cost-effective for all of them, and Raven was anyway such a huge part of their life, it would only make their friendship stronger, Clarke would love having her best friend here and they were all adults, they knew how boundaries worked. Raven didn’t get involved with matters relating to them unless they asked her to. 

Lexa was standing in the doorway to her bedroom, the room was dark, save for the light coming in from the lamps on the street. The bed looked more empty than it should. And who was Lexa kidding, she couldn’t do this. She couldn’t step into this room knowing she’d never have her wife with her in it now. She’d never have the feeling of Clarke cuddling up to her, or of Clarke being her little spoon, or on some rare nights, her big spoon, she couldn’t just go lay down and not be drowned in the scent of Clarke. Her shampoo, her soap, and just the pure scent of her skin against the pillows and the sheets, Lexa knew, one step onto the bed, and she’d be overwhelmed with missing Clarke. She already was, just standing here in the doorway. No. She couldn’t do it. So she turned around swiftly, leaving the bedroom door open and rushed downstairs. 

She slowly came up to Raven’s side and placed a hand on her shoulder 

Raven stirred awake, and the minute she saw Lexa’s face, she rubbed her eyes to awaken herself completely. 

“Hey” Raven whispered, “I’m sorry, I must have dozed off… I was waiting for you to feel comfortable enough to talk to me.” 

Lexa’s heart felt a slight hint of warmth. 

Lexa sat down near Raven’s knees on her pull-out bed and spoke “Rae, I can’t sleep there”   
  
She looked away, as if needing to avoid a judgemental stare from Raven. 

“Of course not, I know… it’s not going to be easy for you to just… go back there and fall asleep… that’s why I was waiting up for you, you can… you can sleep here if you want, there’s place for two.”, Raven offered. 

Lexa looked towards the other side of the sofa-bed and then back at Raven. Ofcourse Raven understood. Raven always understood them. Sometimes better than they did themselves. 

Lexa nodded. She gave herself a moment before finally speaking 

“Raven, I’m sorry about how I behaved earlier, what I said..”

“It’s forgiven and forgotten. Trust me.” Raven interrupted, and she had the most sincere, understanding eyes. 

Lexa felt in her heart then, Raven truly did understand. 

Raven reached out and placed her hand over Lexa’s that was placed on the bed, 

“It’s okay, it’s really okay, we’ll be okay” she said. 

Lexa nodded for now, but she wondered if Raven really believed that. Would they really be okay? Clarke was everything to her.

A few moments later, Lexa was laying down on the other side of the bed, having found a spare pillow and a sheet to throw over herself. 

Raven was browsing through something on her phone. Lexa couldn’t bring herself to look at her phone right now, so she stared at the ceiling, willing the universe to tire her brain out to the extent that she just passes out. 

Lexa’s phone was currently filled with messages and missed calls. Every soul who’d ever known Clarke in her lifetime, or known Clarke and Lexa as a couple had called or texted to offer their condolences. And while Lexa was appreciative of their care and concern, she needed a while to get to replying to them. She needed a while to let the news sink in. 

“Do you really believe that? That we’ll be okay?” Lexa asked out loud. 

Raven who’d been too engrossed in reading something on her phone was almost startled by the voice in the silence of the room. 

She locked her phone, kept it beside her pillow and turned to face Lexa. 

“I do. And I need you to believe that too. As hard as it may seem right now.” Raven said. 

“I can’t do it. I can’t fathom a world without her Raven. I just can’t,” Lexa said desperately. 

“She would have wanted you to… she would have wanted you to be okay. Maybe not so soon, that’s simply unrealistic, but eventually, it’ll get easier to bear, the pain…” 

“Everyone thinks they know what she would want…” Lexa said, sadly. 

“I don’t know about everyone Lexa… but I’ve known Clarke all through high school and college, I’ve seen her fall in love with you, I was with her through every petty little fight you guys had, I know she would only want what’s best for you, and if that means trying to be okay… then yes, you should have that faith in yourself…” 

Lexa was crying again. And Raven wanted to do something to help, she desperately wanted to make Lexa feel alright, but truly, there was nothing she could do right now. Lexa needed to feel this, she needed to grieve Clarke, Raven needed it too. 

So when Lexa didn’t respond and seemed to take Raven’s answer as something she should consider, Raven reached for her phone again and stared at the same text she’d been staring at since she got the news of Clarke's accident. 

The last text she received from Clarke: 

“I’ll be back from this trip before you know it, but until then, take care of yourselves for me. Most importantly, take care of Lexa for me.” 

**Flashback**  
  
It was the final match of the season, senior year, Lexa was captain of their school’s women's soccer team. They were hosting this year. When Lexa came out of the changing rooms onto the ground, leading her team to the centre of the field, she stole a glance towards the stands to find her girlfriend Clarke, beaming with pride and waving a ridiculous foam finger at her. Lexa laughed. To her right was Abby and to her let was Raven. Lexa waved at the three of them and they hooted and cheered her on. She’d spoken to Anya just before the game, she was gonna be late but she said she’ll make it. This was during that time in her life when Anya was still in New York and the two of them were living together. Anya had plans on going to Canada to work once Lexa had figured out college and a place to stay on her own. 

The game had been wild. The first half was played impressively well by both teams. With a 1-1 score by half time, Lexa could feel the pressure to deliver as she got her team to gather around and plan their strategy. When the whistle was blown for the final half of the season to begin, Lex once more stole a glance towards Clarke and Clarke quickly took this moment to mouth to her “you got this babe” and Lexa nodded. She did. There was a reason she’d reached this position in her team. She knew she could lead her team to win this. 

Just then she spotted Anya come sit by Abby. Anya had met Clarke before, but this was the first time she was meeting Abby. and Lexa didn’t have the time to think about how their interaction was going, she needed to focus. 

“YOU GOT THIS LEX!” came Clarke's voice, loud and confident through the roars of the crowd, followed by Raven’s “COME ON CAPTAIN! SHOW ‘EM HOW IT’S DONE!”   
“FINISH ‘EM” came Clarke’s voice again, and if Lexa wasn’t so pumped about this, she would have laughed at just how cute her girlfriend and her best friend were being right now. 

The game was heated, and rough, things got nasty at one point when fouls were called and Lexa had to be pulled back from yelling at the referee. 

“Wow. your girl’s got a temper,” Raven said to Clarke. 

“I don’t know what I find hotter, the fact that she’s the fittest on this field, or the manner in which she stands up for her team.” Clarke said.   
Raven laughed and then looked at Clarke. 

“Oh my god, Clarke, you look thirsty AF right now.” 

Clarke looked at her and tried to play it down “What?! No. I’m just… I like watching her do her thing...” 

Raven didn’t respond, but kept her eyes on Clarke. 

“Clarke, you and Lexa have had sex right?” Raven asked, out of the blue, an eyebrow raised in question and immense curiosity. 

Clarke quickly turned to her best friend with a bewildered look on her face. 

“RAVEN! My mom’s right here, can you at least try to be subtle?!” Clarke whisper-scolded. 

Raven noticed Clarke had dodged the question. 

“Oh my god! CLARKE GRIFFIN! It’s almost a year now, You’re telling me neither Lexa nor you have initiated the deed?! No wonder you’re so fuckin flushed!”

“RAVEN! SHUSH!” 

“NO ONE CAN HEAR ME, THE CROWD IS ROARING FOR YOUR SUPER-HOT GIRLFRIEND, WHO APPARENTLY, IS BEING DENIED SEX.” 

“That’s not the case.” Clarke finally said, looking defeated. 

“Then what is it?” 

“I don’t know… I mean… we make out… and we spend so much time cuddling and talking and making out…” 

“And then…?” Raven asked, super curious now. 

“Well, the minute it gets heated, she pulls away and distracts herself with something else” 

“WHAT!?” came Raven’s response. 

“That can’t be right. We’re talking about the same Lexa right?” Raven said. 

“YES RAVEN. I’m not making out with anyone else right now.” Clarke clarified. 

“Well, that’s good. But it doesn’t make any sense,” Raven replied. 

“See that’s exactly why. I think she’s trying to prove to me that I'm not just another one of those girls that she’s with temporarily. She wants to show me it’s different with us.” Clarke said more thoughtfully.

Raven looked pensive, turning to look at the field. 

“Well, it’s been 11 months. I think she’s proven that enough.” Raven said. 

Clarke sighed. “I hope that’s the only reason, and nothing else.” Clarke said more quietly. 

Then Raven looked at her again, and knew Clarke’s over-analytic mind was drawing all sorts of other possible conclusions too.

“Girl, you need to talk to her.” Raven said. 

“Yea, I should.” 

“How about tonight?” Raven suggested

“Let’s see how this game goes, and then I’ll decide.” 

“Well I hope they win, all this sexual tension between you two is gonna drive me crazy.” 


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: 

They did win. Lexa assisted, and another striker on her team shot the game-changing goal, giving them a 2-1- victorious finish. The minute the goal was shot the entire team ran towards her and the striker, and jumped onto them, but Lexa’s eyes were on Clarke, and Clarke was screaming for her and cheering her on. 

After they’d handed out the trophy, and the team went in to wash up and change into their tracks, they walked out to an almost empty stadium, where just friends and family were waiting to congratulate them. 

Anya was the first to rush up to Lexa and give her a tight hug. 

“I’m so glad you made it!” Lexa said. 

“You knew I didn’t wanna miss it. It was your last game. and I so knew you were gonna bring home that trophy,” Anya said. 

Just then, a fellow teammate came up to Lexa to inform her they were going to party tonight, and she can’t miss it. Lexa just laughed it off and said, she’ll let them know. She was drained of energy, honestly. This game took so much out of her, there’d be time to party tomorrow too, she wasn’t in any hurry. 

“Oh and, I finally met your girlfriend’s mom. She seems to be as big a fan of you as your girlfriend is” Anya said. 

Lexa couldn’t help but blush. She could see in her peripheral vision, 3 women waiting at the side to come greet her, one of whom had bright blue eyes that Lexa could never stop thinking about, and lips she’d been wanting to kiss for hours now. 

  
Lexa turned to look at them, and caught Clarke’s gaze, it was… something new. 

“Okay listen, I’m going to Indra’s house for dinner, and I'll probably spend the night there, so if you’re going to get out to party tonight, make sure you take your keys…and when you’re back in, lock all the doors properly.” Anya told her. 

“I’m not 12, Anya” Lexa joked. 

“You know why I fuss about you.” Anya said, protectively. 

Lexa rolled her eyes. 

“Hey captain! When you gonna teach us some of your moves,” came Raven’s teasing voice. 

Lexa turned to find the 3 women approaching her, but her eyes stayed on Clarke, who was beaming, but whose eyes seemed to be sporting a new shade. 

“Congratulations!” Clarke said as she threw her arms around Lexa’s shoulders and hugged her tight.

“Thanks, baby” Lexa said, winding her arms around Clarke’s waist and hugging her right back, almost lifting her off the ground in jubilant pride. 

Clarke laughed, and kissed her cheek before completely pulling away and whispering “Mom enjoyed the game too.” 

“Good going Lexa, we’re all so proud of you.” came Abby’s voice as she came forward and squeezed Lexa’s shoulder. 

“Thank you Mrs. Griffin” 

“I’ve told you so many times now, Lexa, call me Abby” 

Lexa stole a glance towards Clarke who was still beaming with pride and then looked back at Abby and said “Okay, Abby,” she laughed. 

Just then another teammate came over to Lexa to remind her of the party tonight. 

And Clarke and Raven overheard too. Anya had busied herself talking to some of the teammates and Abby had just received a phone call. 

“Well, looks like your plans for the evening have been made.” Clarke said, signaling her teammates who were super excited about celebrating the win. 

Lexa was looking at her deep in thought, there was something about the way Clarke was looking at her, her eyes seemed at least 3 shades darker, and Lexa wasn’t dumb, she knew how to tell when a woman wanted her, and Clarke was being a little extra touchy right now, her gaze unsettled, she looked fidgety and restless.  
  
Lexa leaned in and kissed her lips, eliciting a moan of surprise from Clarke and a chuckle from Raven standing a few feet away from them. 

When she pulled away Clarke exhaled heavily. 

“Everything okay, babe?” Lexa asked her. And Clarke seemed to be dazed. “Yea yea, ummm.. All good… I’m gonna go… over there… see who my mom was just talking to.” Clarke stumbled over her words. 

With that she turned on her heels, and walked over to her mom. Lexa looked on, knowing she was missing something here. 

“If you’re as smart as I think you are, you’ll know exactly why she’s so riled up,” came Raven’s voice from beside her. 

“Umm, I think I have an idea, but it would help if you would confirm it for me.” Lexa said. 

“Nope. I'm enjoying this all too much. Sexually tensed Clarke is a hot mess and too entertaining to watch,” Raven laughed as she walked over to where Clarke and Abby were.

Lexa had an idea, she went over to her teammates and spoke to them, and then came back towards where Clarke, Raven and Abby stood and said “Clarke, babe can I talk to you for a sec?” 

Clarke came away with her until they were out of listening range from the others and Lexa spoke, “I was thinking, would you want to come over to my place and I don't know… uh.. get dinner with me or something, tonight?” 

“Sure” Clarke said, looking towards where the rest of her team was now gathering their stuff and leaving. 

“But babe, don’t you have like a team celebration or something tonight?” Clarke asked curiously. 

“Yea, no, about that, I told them we could party tomorrow, it’s a Saturday and it’ll be a more lit scene anyway” 

Clarke chuckled “sure sure..” 

Lexa took Clarke’s hands in hers and brought them up to her lips to place a few kisses along her knuckles, and she almost heard Clarke gasp. 

“Anya’s not going to be home tonight…” Lexa said, just leaving that statement out there… and she immediately felt Clarke’s body heat rise. 

“Okay…” Clarke said. 

Lexa looked into Clarke’s eyes and said “Today’s win… it was for you…” 

Clarke smiled “You were amazing out there, I couldn’t take my eyes of you.” 

“I wouldn’t have it any other way” Lexa said with a proud smile, and then cupped Clarke’s cheeks and brought her in for a kiss. This time, letting her lips taste Clarke fully, leaving her breathless when they parted. 

“Come on, we’ll drop Abby and Raven home, and then head on over to my place…” Lexa said. 

“What are we doing tonight?” Clarke asked, staring down at Lexa's lips. Lexa usually planned their dates, what they would eat, what movie they would watch, where they were going etc. 

Lexa smiled and replied with a low, soft voice that should only be allowed in the bedroom “Whatever the hell you want, Clarke…” and as if that wasn’t clear enough she added, “anything you want.” 

It was 9 pm and Clarke and Lexa were just done with dinner. They’d both decided they wanted pizza and so they ordered in, and Lexa was telling Clarke all about the match and how she planned every move, also about what really happened when that foul was called out. They were seated on the couch now, not at two complete ends, but not close enough either, they were both angled to face one another.

“Yea, that was the first time I've ever seen you that angry.” Clarke said nonchalantly.

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” Lexa said, embarrassed. 

“No no, it was… kinda hot… the way you stand up for your teammates… it was… sexy..” 

“Well, in that case, you don’t wanna see me when that anger is directed towards my own teammates.” 

“I can imagine that can get scary...” Clarke said, laughing. 

Lexa was looking at Clarke with so much wonder and awe, that Clarke couldn’t help but feel light and dizzy. There was always something so intense about her gaze. 

“God! You’re so beautiful Clarke!” Lexa said, her hand reaching up to put a stray bunch of blonde hair behind her ear, and then lightly cup her cheek with the palm of her hand. 

“You’re so so beautiful, I couldn’t help but notice, even from so many meters away from you, when I was on that field,” Lexa continued. 

“You were quite the sight for sore eyes too.” Clarke admitted, cupping Lexa’s palm with her own.

“Yea?” Lexa asked with an amused smile. 

“Ahaan, I’ve got myself one hell of a fit girlfriend, and I couldn’t help but feel envious that so many eyes were on you.” 

“They don’t get to see this side of me, Clarke. They don’t get to have me the way you do.” Lexa assured. 

“Well technically I’m not getting much of you.” Clarke said suddenly, looking down into her own lap. 

“Hey, what do you mean?” Lexa asked. 

“It’s nothing, forget about it.” Clarke brushed it off and leaned in to kiss her girlfriend on the lips, making sure to start passionately, to distract her completely. 

“Wait, Clarke, let’s talk about this.” Lexa said, pulling away from the kiss. “What’s wrong? You were looking at me some type of way today, after the game, and I figured something was up, and Raven said... ” 

“UGH! Raven!” Clarke exclaimed. 

Lexa was silent, but continued to touch Clarke's face lovingly, wanting her to speak up about whatever was on her mind. 

“It’s nothing really, I just… we’ve been together for 10 months now, and every time I think we’ll take this a step ahead, we slow down, or distract ourselves with something else, it just makes me wonder if… well you don’t wanna…”

“Have sex with you?” Lexa tried finishing for her 

“Yea… or you’re not as into it as I am, or maybe I’m doing something wrong.” 

“Oh no, Clarke! That’s not the case at all.” Lexa clarified. 

“Then what is it?” Clarke asked carefully. 

“This is gonna sound so silly.” Lexa said closing her eyes to gather her thoughts. 

“Try me” Clarke said. 

“Firstly, all I’ve wanted to do since we started kissing is… well more. Do you even realize how beautiful you are, how attractive you are. It drives me nuts most days!” Lexa said. 

Clarke actually chuckled at that and leaned in to kiss her girlfriend. “Go on,” Clarke said. 

“I’ve been trying to take things slow with you, mostly cause, I don’t want you ever feeling like you’re just another girl to me. Cause you’re not, Clarke. You’re… top tier. You’re the dream. And if and when we’re gonna have our first time, I wanted it to be special, I wanted to plan something out, a getaway maybe… or anything you’d like…” Lexa said, lightly rubbing her thumbs along Clarke’s soft skin. 

“So you’re not avoiding having sex with me cause you don’t want it?” Clarke asked. 

“NO! Absolutely not. That’s not the case at all.” Lexa said quickly. 

Clarke took a moment to let it sink in. 

“Lexa, what if I told you, I don't want all of that. I just want you. Now.” Clarke was looking into her eyes and Lexa noticed they’d turned that dark blue again. It did things to her insides. 

“Now” Lexa repeated more for herself than anyone else. 


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7:

“You don’t have to prove anything to me Lex, I’m convinced about you, sold. I just want you…” Clarke assured her. 

It was the hunger in her eyes, the way she used Lexa’s shorter form of name, the way her eyes gazed at her lips for a second. 

“I don’t need a getaway, or some specially planned night to be intimate with you, I want to be able to show you how much I… how much I adore you, anytime I want…” Clarke further explained. “If you’re okay with it Lexa, I’d like to take those steps ahead with you, tonight…” 

Lexa was speechless. She swore her brain was a puddle. She was staring at Clarke dumbfounded. Clarke wanted to have sex with her. Tonight. Now. Starting here. 

“Earth to Lexa, have I broken you again?” Clarke chuckled, her hand now stroking Lexa’s hair. 

Lexa had to shake herself out of her thoughts.

“I told you Clarke, we can do anything you want tonight.” Lexa finally said. 

Clarke smiled and leaned in to kiss Lexa, passionately, deeply on her lips, letting her tongue slide in between her lips, showing Lexa at the very onset who was going to be in charge tonight.

“Good, cause I have a few ideas.” Clarke said with a dangerous wink, getting up from the couch, taking her t-shirt off, noticing immediately how Lexa gulped as her gaze shifted onto Clarke’s creamy skin. 

“The only regret I have of this being unplanned is that I'm wearing boring underwear.” Clarke said with a chuckle as she unbuttoned her jeans. 

Lexa’s mouth went dry. 

“You’re absolutely extraordinary, Clarke.” Lexa was stunned. Even with a simple white cotton bra on, Clarke looked gorgeous, she was simply perfect. Lexa still couldn’t believe this was happening. 

“Take me to your room?” Clarke asked

Lexa couldn't trust herself to be able to stand. But she did. And when she rose up, she took the last couple of steps towards Clarke and wrapped her arms around her waist and kissed her, deeply. 

“I’m going to say this now, and I hope you believe it. I love you Clarke Griffin. More than I've loved anyone before. And I think I’m going to love you forever.” she nuzzled her nose against Clarke and could have sworn she saw Clarke’s eyes tearing up when she leaned back to look at her baby blues. 

“I love it when you say my full name.” Clarke teased, and lightly bit on Lexa’s lip. Lexa chuckled. 

“Those are pretty strong words you’ve used there, Lex. I don’t know how I’m going to out do them”

“Start with an I love you too, and then you can show me in kind” Lexa said, her gaze slipping down to Clarke’s beautiful breasts snug in her white cotton bra. 

Clarke laughed heartily, her head tilting back, and Lexa took that moment to start trailing kisses down the column of her neck, sucking at her skin, eliciting a gasp, a moan and some breathy sighs from her girlfriend.

“Remind me to send Raven a gift later on.” Clarke said. 

Lexa laughed into her skin. 

“I love you too, Lexa, so so much, now please take me to your room and make me forget my own name.” Clarke said. 

“Aye aye, captain.” 

**Present day**

When Raven opened her eyes, it was 7 am she saw on her phone. On unlocking her screen she was faced with Clarke's text again. Looks like she’d fallen asleep staring at it. Re-reading it on and on to let it sit with her heart. 

Clarke, her best friend Clarke, her twin-flame who would move mountains to make sure she was happy, to make sure she would always find a solution for her problems, to hear her whine about all her exes and dote about all her new love interests, Clarke who made her family Raven’s family, and her home, Raven’s home.

Raven locked the phone again and turned towards where Lexa should have been sleeping. But found the space near her empty. She reached out to touch the sheets, they were cold. 

Raven quickly sat up. 

“Lexa?” she called out. There was no response. 

She got up quickly, went to the kitchen, Lexa wasn’t there, she ran upstairs towards their bedroom, calling out once more, no response, she found the bedroom door opened and stood in the doorway, Lexa wasn’t here, she checked the bathrooms, nada.   
The downstairs bathrooms too, were void of Lexa. so she quickly dialed her number. Had she gone out? 

It took a couple of rings but she picked up. 

“Lexa! Where are you?!” Raven asked as soon as she picked up. 

“Rae…” she sounded choked, sad. Raven shouldn’t be surprised. 

“Rae, I’m sorry, I should have left a text or a note. I couldn’t sleep.” Lexa said. 

“Where are you?” Raven asked hurriedly, already looking for something presentable to wear to go get Lexa. 

“I’m at the cemetery... I left as soon as the sun was out... Rae... I couldn't… I can't… I don’t know how to do this…” She was sobbing. 

“Lexa Woods, stay right where you are. I’m going to be there in 15 mins, got that?” Raven said. 

“Yea” Lexa said. 

When Raven arrived at the cemetery, she walked to the grave they were at just yesterday, to find Lexa seated on the ground by Clarke’s grave. 

Raven took a deep breath. This was tough on all of them. Coming here so soon after the funeral, it was hitting her all over again, with a fresh wave of emotions. But she tried to pull herself together, for Lexa.   
She walked on over and sat by her side. Lexa had her arms folded across her stomach, seated with her legs crossed. 

“Hey” Raven said. 

“Hi” Lexa spoke. “You didn’t have to come.” Lexa said. 

How was Raven supposed to explain, she couldn’t imagine being anywhere else right now. 

“I know.” was all she said, they sat there silently. Both of them, just trying to allow themselves the moment to remember their Clarke. A woman they both love so much. What were they supposed to do with all this love? 

It took a good 30 minutes until one of them spoke. It was Lexa. 

“I needed to feel close to her…” Lexa admitted. 

Raven exhaled heavily. She understood. 

“She isn’t here, Lexa” Raven felt she needed to explain. 

“I know. I just didn’t know what else to do, where else to go.” Lexa said. 

“She’s with us. She really is. She’s in everything we ever did together, she’s in all of our memories, in the places we traveled to together, the concerts we went to together, every conversation we ever had, every person we ever met, she’s left a piece of herself everywhere…” Raven was saying, and Lexa was watching her talk with a black look in her eyes, staring ahead at the mud in the ground. Lexa allowed herself to acknowledge how deep this loss was for Raven too. Raven had lost her best friend.

They remained quiet for a little while longer until finally, Lexa spoke. 

“Did you have breakfast?” she asked. Raven nodded in the negative. 

“Let’s go, we should stop and get some coffee.” Lexa said. 

Raven was almost surprised. Lexa suggested they should get sustenance. A first in the last 3 days, she took it as a win, she nodded. 

They got up, and walked to Raven’s car. Lexa lingered a second longer by the grave and then followed Raven. 

When Raven got in and watched Lexa approach the car, she allowed herself to observe Lexa’s form. She looked weak, slow, the shadows under her eyes were daunting and all in all, she looked like someone who’d lost the will to live. And Raven guessed that’s exactly what it must feel like to lose your wife. 

They stopped at a coffee shop. And Raven turned to Lexa and asked “do you wanna go in? Or should I get them to go” 

“I could do with a shower before I get out in public this way…” Lexa said, looking down at herself

A small smirk flashed across Raven's lips. “Alright stay here, I’ll get us something to eat too.” 

Lexa didn’t miss the emphasis on “Stay here.” when Raven spoke. And when Raven got out of the car she allowed herself to think about how worried Raven must have got when she woke up and couldn’t find Lexa around. Lexa felt bad. She should have left a note or a text, or woken her up and told her she needed to go, told her what a nightmarish night she’d had. How every time she closed her eyes, she saw Clarke, her beautiful Clarke lying cold and still in her coffin. 

Lexa’s stomach felt sick again. But she was distracted by the driver's side door opening and Raven settling herself back into her seat, in her hands a paper bag with some food in it, and a cup carrier with two coffees. 

“I’m sorry” Lexa blurted out. 

Raven looked at her. 

“I didn’t think about how it would unsettle you to wake up and find I wasn’t around” 

“I was kinda scared.” Raven admitted. “I mean…” 

“I understand, we just lost Clarke…” Lexa finished for her. 

It didn’t need to be said in words. They’d just lost their person. Both of them. To wake up and find the other missing would have hit in a different way. Would have brought on a whole other set of emotions. 

“I won’t do it again… I’ll tell you when I need to disappear or have some alone time.” 

“That would be good” Raven said, trying to stay expressionless, even though all the emotions she’d felt this morning waking up to an empty house, hit her all at once, again.

Raven offered her the cups and said, “Here, it’s about time you got some food inside you” 

Lexa took the cup and gave Raven a soft smile. Raven put the other paper bag in the backseat and started driving home. 

On their way there, Abby called Lexa. 

“Hey Abby” she answered. Raven looked at her, she was holding her coffee but hadn’t taken a sip yet. 

“Yea, Raven’s with me.   
“no… ummm we just picked up breakfast”   
“Yes, I will eat something”  
“Yes, I will call you this evening”   
“I’m okay. What about you?”   
“Yea” 

Raven could feel the silences between them. She knew Abby was checking in on Lexa, and in a way, Lexa felt bad that Abby felt she needed to do this. Abby had lost her daughter. She shouldn't be the one offering comfort. Yet, each of them knew how this had affected Lexa. Not one of their friends would find this weird. 

When Lexa cut the call, she simply said “In case I forget, remind me to call Abby this evening” 

“Sure” Raven said. 

Then, in her peripheral view, she finally saw Lexa raise the cup to her lips and take a sip. And some part of Raven felt relieved. 


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: 

When they got back home, Lexa said she was going to go have a shower, and Raven decided to get a shower herself in the downstairs bathroom.

Lexa had to force herself to step into her room, rummage through her clothes for something fresh to wear, she tried hard to keep her attention off of her wife's clothes, they still smelled of her, and she knew soon, she and Raven would have to go through all of her stuff and sort out what they wanted to keep, what needed to be given away. And that was going to be a tough job for another tough day, right now, she had one mission - have a shower without breaking down again. 

She succeeded. Well not entirely. She did find herself crying at the memories, of the lonely feeling, of the feeling of knowing her shower could no longer be hijacked by her super sexy wife wanting to shower with her, or there was nothing to look forward to after this shower, no wife to go envelop in her arms and tell her how much she adores her. 

But there was Raven. She wanted to at least come across like she was making an effort to be okay... For Raven. Because Raven had lost Clarke too. And Raven was trying to manage her grief well, Lexa was inspired to try to. 

So when she finished her bath and wore fresh clothes and went downstairs, she didn't expect to hear cries and sobs from the downstairs bathroom. She rushed to the door and knocked softly. 

“Raven? Rae, is that you? Are you decent? May I come in?” Lexa asked all too hurriedly.

She immediately heard Raven sniffing, forcibly trying to control her emotions, she could picture Raven trying to wipe off the tears and school her features and her heart ached to imagine Raven that way. 

“Raven, let me come in and be there with you, if you’re alright with it” Lexa offered.

There was silence.

“Rae…” Lexa tried once more. 

“It’s okay, I’m almost done, I’m okay, I promise” Raven said from inside. 

“You’re not. And you don’t have to hide that fact from me, I’m sorry if I made you feel like you should” Lexa said, realizing now, that she had been selfish. Raven was grieving just as hard and she should have been more acknowledging of that. 

This time, there were more sobs. Lexa didn’t care about decency now, she turned the knob of the door and walked in, Raven wasn’t in the shower, she had drawn herself a bath and was soaking in the tub, under a lot of foamed soap. 

Her face was in her hands and she was trembling, shaking uncontrollably. 

Lexa rushed to the side of the tub and knelt there, and softly put a hand behind Raven’s head and brought her face into her shoulder, and Raven wept. Lexa wept too. Raven allowed herself to receive the comfort, she finally put both her arms around Lexa and they embraced one another and cried together. 

If the foam bubbles revealed skin, none of them seemed to care right now. They’d lost their favourite person in the whole wide world. 

  
“We should talk.” Lexa said from across the kitchen island. Raven was on the other side, unwrapping the pastries she had bought from the coffee shop to put them into the microwave to heat up. 

“You should eat,” Raven said. 

“I’ll eat. I mean, I'll try. But we should talk,” Lexa said. 

“About what?” Raven asked, not making eye contact. 

“About what happened in there.” Lexa clarified. 

“You know what happened Lexa…” 

“Of course I do. But I think it’ll help us to share it out loud. If the last few hours has taught me anything it’s that we’ve lost the same person. Even though we’ve shared different experiences with her, she was the same person to us, she was our Clarke. If we’re going to grieve, maybe grieving together may help us.” 

Raven agreed. She had to admit, it could be helpful, for them to speak up about everything they were feeling right now. Clarke was special to them, she was their world, in two different ways. But she was the same person. And maybe they would find comfort in talking about her together, in sharing those experiences, in mourning her loss together, 

“Okay… but not right now.” Raven said. 

“Sure.” Lexa said. 

They had breakfast quietly, together. Seated on the same side of the kitchen island. Raven ate almost all of her breakfast. Lexa however, just took a couple of bites and admitted she’d lost her appetite again. Raven didn’t want to push. So she wrapped the leftover food up in some cling wrap and kept it in the fridge. 

Her phone rang then. She quickly picked it up. 

“Hey O!”   
“Yea, we just ate”   
“Yea, shes right here”   
“Ummm, no I don’t think she’s checked her phone”   
“Alright, I’ll ask her to.”   
“Yea thanks” 

When Raven put her phone down, she looked at Lexa and said 

“Octavia said one of Clarke’s colleagues called her up, they’re planning a memorial and they wanted to invite you.” Raven said. 

“It’s been a day.” Lexa said mostly to herself. 

“They’re scheduling it for the week after next.” 

“Alright, I’ll check my messages and calls today.” Lexa said. 

Raven noticed the way her features changed at the idea of going through her phone. 

She walked up to her and put her hand on her shoulder and said “If you don’t want to do that alone, just say so. I’ll sit with you and we can go through the messages together okay?” 

Lexa looked like a weight had been taken off her shoulder. 

“Yes, I’d appreciate that. Thank you Rae.” She said. 

Raven smiled softly and then went on to prepare something for lunch. Lexa sat there for a few moments and then decided she should go busy herself, be of some help. So she went out to the living room, and folded up the spare sheet she had used, closed up the sofa bed, and tried to keep herself busy. 

She even got to clearing up the place, wiping some surfaces clean. When Raven came to the living room she looked around and said “Wow Lexa, grief looks good on you.” Raven meant it in a light manner, but after the words had left her lips she hated herself. 

“Okay that didn’t come out the right way” she said, immediately.

Lexa looked unaffected “Don’t stress, I get what you mean.” Lexa said. 

  
When lunch was ready, Raven didn’t push Lexa to eat. She simply served 2 plates, took hers and sat in the living room to eat. Lexa sat beside her and decided to read for a bit. But she seemed so restless, she must have turned 2 pages and then put the book down. She then got up from her seat and went over to the book shelf, she rearranged the books, then she went over them again, and moved them around again. And Raven noticed she’d almost put them all back in the same way they were set initially. 

She came back and sat on the couch. Raven saw her eyes land on her phone that was placed face down on the table beside the sofa. 

She then looked around and fixed her focus on the carpet. 

“When was the last time we vacuumed?” Lexa asked. 

Raven swallowed the food in her mouth and then spoke 

“Clarke did. The day before she left.” 

“Okay” Lexa said. 

There was silence between them. Lexa's phone rang. Raven watched as Lexa flinched at the sound. She reached for the phone and stared at the caller ID.

It was Anya. Lexa’s cousin. 

Raven realized Lexa wasn’t picking up. And then she realized Lexa’s hand was trembling. 

She quickly put her plate down and reached for Lexa’s hand holding the phone. 

“Hey… look at me.” she said. 

And it took everything in Lexa to take her gaze off the caller ID. 

“You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable doing. You can call everyone back when you’re ready, alright?” 

Lexa nodded. 

“Do you want me to take it for you?” Raven asked her. 

“Could you? I don’t know how to talk to her about this” 

“Sure” Raven said, gently taking the phone from Lexa’s hand, squeezing her hand to offer some comfort and getting up to take the call elsewhere. 

“Hi Anya, Raven speaking.” 

“Raven! Hi!” Anya said. 

“I’m sorry, Lexa’s still very shaken, I’m sure you understand…” 

“Yes, I can imagine. I’m just worried. She hasn’t spoken to me since it happened. I got the news from another friend and I’ve been meaning to talk to her.” Anya said. 

“I’ll let her know, I'm sure as soon as she’s ready, she’ll call you.” Raven said. 

“Thank you Raven, how is she doing? Really?” Anya asked. 

How was Raven supposed to put words to this version of Lexa she was experiencing. She couldn’t. 

“Actually forget I asked, I trust you both are dealing with it together, I know how much both of you love Clarke, I’m glad you’ll have one another to lean on” Anya said. 

“I’m doing my best, I wish I could be of more comfort to her.”

“I’m sure she feels the same for you.” Anya said. 

Raven felt a smile form on her lips. 

“I’ll leave you to it, if you guys need anything, even if Lexa needs me to be there so we can talk in person, I’ll be on the next plane down.” Anya said. 

Anya lived in Canada. She would visit them once or twice a year, but she spoke to Lexa often on call. And inadvertently, Clarke and Raven would join in to say hi and catch up when they did video calls. Ravne knew Lexa confided a lot in Anya. She was the closest family member she had. Clarke was the only one to change that. 

“For sure, I’ll text you if anything.” Raven assured her. 

When Raven returned to the living room, Lexa wasn’t there. She didn’t realize she was holding her breath until Lexa walked into the living room from the kitchen with the plate of food Raven had kept in the microwave for her. 

It made Raven feel a little relieved. She joined Lexa on the couch and continued eating in silence. 

When they were done eating, Lexa offered to take their plates to the kitchen, but before that, she asked “What did Anya say?” 

“She’s worried about you, wants to speak with you, said she’ll hop on a plane right now if you need her here” Raven informed. 

“What did you tell her?” Lexa asked 

“That I got you. And I’ll pass on her message to you, but to have patience with you.” Raven said. 

And for the first time in the last 4 days, Raven saw a hint of a smile on Lexa’s lips. 

“Thanks, Rae.” she said and walked off into the kitchen. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading so far! Will have an update ready soon.   
> Do leave your thoughts in the comments, really appreciate them.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again!   
> Thank you for your comments yesterday! I wasn't planning on updating so soon, but I think the reviews proved to be great motivation <3 Here's a couple of new chapters.

Chapter 9:

Raven followed her there to get herself a glass of water and saw Lexa yawning away while washing the dishes. 

“You didn’t sleep at all last night” Raven stated. 

“The last 3 nights are catching up with me I guess.” 

“I can pull out the sofa bed for you if you want.” Raven offered. 

Lexa gave it some thought. And said “Okay yea, I’d like that.” 

So while Lexa finished off with the dishes, Raven set up the sofa bed and then busied herself with her phone again. She’d asked her workplace for 2 weeks away from work. Bereavement leave. Lexa had asked for time off too. Hers was probably longer but Raven didn’t ask how long. Lexa should take all the time she needs to get back to normal life. Normal life seemed like an impossible idea without Clarke in it. 

Lexa was fast asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. 

Raven decided she could do some other chores, but something about how still and rested Lexa looked, allowed her a moment of rest too. She opened up that chat on her phone again and there it was that last text from Clarke. 

Raven found an odd comfort looking at Clarke’s words. Not just that last text, but some of their conversations from before too. She decided not to push herself to do anything right now and allow herself the time to remember her best friend. 

  
When Lexa’s eyes opened, she first laid eyes on the clock. It said 9 pm. She sat up startled. 

“Hey hey, relax…” Raven’s voice from beside her said. 

“It’s 9pm?!” Lexa asked. 

“Yea, you had a good sleep” 

“I’m so sorry I totally overslept, is Clarke home yet?” Lexa asked, mindlessly. 

And the minute the words left her mouth, it all came back to her. No Clarke wasn’t home yet. She wouldn’t be home ever again. Because Clarke, her Clarke, had died. 

Raven watched as Lexa’s eyes closed for a moment, as if she were bringing herself back to the present moment, where the reason she was sleeping here on Raven’s sofa bed, was cause she couldn’t bring herself to sleep in her own bed, because it would be too much missing Clarke. 

“It’s okay…” Raven tried. 

“I think I was hoping it was all a nightmare.” Lexa admitted. 

“I don’t blame you. The last few days have been nightmarish” Raven said. 

“I didn’t make anything for dinner, we can order in if you like” Raven then offered. 

“I’m actually not too hungry. Could do with a drink though.” Lexa said. 

Now Raven would usually be all for it. But she was also once told, alcohol while grieving could create an addiction. So she thought twice. But then decided, a glass of whatever they had won’t harm anyone. If anything, it might give Lexa the courage she needed to speak up about everything she was feeling right now. 

“Yea, me neither. I’ll pour us something. What would you like?” Raven asked. 

“I think we had some scotch left.” Lexa said. 

Raven got up and went over to the cabinet in the kitchen where they kept their liquor. And poured 2 medium pegs into two tumblrs. She brought the tumblers out and handed one to Lexa and made herself comfortable beside her. 

“I was thinking we could go through the messages tonight” Lexa said softly. 

“Yea for sure” 

They both took a sip from their glasses and allowed themselves a moment to get used to the burn of the scotch down their throats.   
To Lexa it was a welcome feeling. Any feeling right now that could take her attention away from that ache in her chest, she’d go with it.   
To Raven, it was a way of winding down. She wanted to let go of her inhibitions and just be honest with herself and with Lexa about how this loss was affecting her. 

When Raven looked back at Lexa, she was on her last sip of the glass. 

“Woah, slow down there” Raven said to her. 

But Lexa simply looked at her with a pleading look in her eyes. It was desperate, like she was telling Raven without words, she needed this and she should let her have this. 

Raven simply nodded, she understood. 

Lexa got up and said “I’ll get the bottle” and disappeared into the kitchen, when she came back, Raven was halfway through her peg.

Lexa picked up her phone, unlocked it and handed it over to Raven. 

Raven opened up a text. 

“Hi Lexa,   
My deepest condolences to you and Abby. Clarke was such a good friend to me. She often got me out of a lot of trouble all through high school, and even though we lost touch, I always remembered her as the one person who changed my outlook on life. I still have the page from our yearbook, where she wrote to me about how she believes in my dream of becoming an artist even if no one else does. I am an artist today, and I look at that page almost every time I hit a roadblock in my career. 

She was an angel, and I can't imagine the loss you feel. If it’s any consolation, she loved talking about you. The one time I ran into her last year, all she could talk about was you.   
I hope you find the strength and courage to make it through the pain.   
Lots of love,   
-Monroe” 

Raven herself had tears rolling down her cheeks as she read. When she looked towards Lexa, Lexa was a mess too. 

“Okay, maybe you were right about needing more scotch,” Raven said, as she downed the remaining liquid in her glass. 

They went through so many more kind messages from friends and family, downing more of their drink while they were at it, Raven helping Lexa reply appropriately to most of them. At some point they decided to leave the rest for another time and right now, just sit together and revel in the memory of Clarke. 

It was around 11 pm when they were finally through with the bottle, and were laughing in their drunken stupor about this one memory of when Clarke picked a fight with Lexa over this one girl she thought was hitting on Lexa. 

“Yea I was quite entertained through that phase of your relationship.” Raven admitted 

“I mean, someone was flirting with me. How was it my fault?” Lexa said, as if she still needed to make a point. 

“She was always so over-possessive about you.” Raven said, fondly. 

“Yea, if I didn’t know her as well as I did I would have said it was bordering on being toxic” Lexa said with laughter in her tone. 

“But she got over that phase.” Raven said. 

“Yea, after I assured her I had eyes only for her.” 

“I’ve always admired that about you” Raven told her. 

Lexa looked amused. 

“Yea, when Clarke first told me about you, my first impression of you was you’re definitely a player, a heart-breaker, and she should stay clear of you.” 

Lexa laughed. “Well Raven Reyes, you were very accurate about that. I was all of those things before I met Clarke” 

“Yea she told me she was going to change you.” Raven said with a smile. 

“I don’t encourage such ideas at the start of relationships, but she made it work. I am a loyal puppy.” Lexa said. Then her smile turned sad. 

Raven scooted closer and pulled her in for a hug, and they stayed that way embracing one another for a few seconds. 

When they let go, they decided the proximity was good for them, it was comforting, so Lexa leaned her head against Raven’s shoulder and Raven didn’t mind it one bit. 

“What was your first impression of me?” Raven asked out of the blue, her hand now finding a way to play with Lexa’s hair. 

Lexa chuckled. “That I would be killed if I played with Clarke’s heart.” 

This time Raven laughed out loud.

“It’s true” Lexa said, and chuckled. 

“Clarke loved you with a fierceness that can’t be described with words, Rae. I know how she would always look to you for advice, for someone to hold her secrets, for someone who’d be her pillar.” Lexa said. 

“You became that for her, though, eventually.” Raven said. 

“Maybe, but she never lost sight of your love. She would always tell me how no matter what were to happen between us she’d never feel a lack of love cause she always had you to fall back on.” 

This made Raven look away, her eyes were tearing up. 

Lexa could feel the change in Raven’s demeanor, she lifted her head off Raven’s shoulder and looked at her. 

“Come here” Lexa said, and pulled Raven’s face into the crook of her neck and they cried together. 

  
When Lexa woke the next morning, she had a splitting headache. UGH! She wished she’d drank some water before falling asleep last night. But she tried to recall the exact moment they fell asleep last night and came up empty. In that exact moment she realized, she couldn’t feel one of her arms. She looked to her left and saw, Raven was asleep on her left arm. 

Or right they were hugging and crying the last she remembered. Did they just fall asleep like that? 

She slowly tried to move her hand from under Raven’s sleeping form, but it stirred Raven awake and Raven looked so confused. 

“I think we fell asleep mid-crying-mid- hugging” Lexa explained, as she sat up now and tried to shake some blood circulation into her numb arm. 

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize I slept on your arm all night” Raven said. 

“That’s okay, I couldn't feel a thing.” Lexa said. 

And Raven knew it was an attempt at a joke, so she smiled softly. 

“My head’s aching, and I bet yours is too, I'm going to go get some aspirin and water, you can go back to sleep then if you want.” She offered Raven. 

“And you?” Raven asked, wondering why Lexa wasn’t going back to sleep too. 

“I think I'm gonna head out for a walk.” Lexa said. 

Raven considered asking her if she’ll be okay on her own, but then decided she didn’t need to offer. If Lexa wanted, she could tell her. She would tell her right? 

“Alright, I think I might be up once you’re back. Do you want anything specific for breakfast?” Raven asked her. 

“Whatever works for you” Lexa said. 


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: 

Once Lexa was out the door, Raven tucked herself back in and tried to sleep off the headache and the heartache that was suddenly creeping back into her chest.   
Last night, talking with Lexa about Clarke and how she changed their lives, it was comforting, even if just for a few hours, the pain had disappeared while they talked, while they re-lived, and she wondered if Lexa felt the same. She wondered if Lexa felt awkward now that they were sober again, waking up like that to find Raven sleeping on her arm. 

Raven hoped that was not the case, they had been comforting one another and it was just that. Nothing more. 

Lexa felt it the minute she stepped out the door to the apartment. The ache in the chest, that hollowness like she’d lost a part of herself. Clarke. She tried to keep a check on her emotions as she stepped out of the building and onto the sidewalk, trying to pick up pace. 

Last night, she’d let her guard down with Raven. They were baring their souls, their emotions, all of it was out there before them. She’d only ever been able to be that open with one other person in the world and that was Clarke. But last night was needed. No one felt the pain of losing Clarke quite like they did. Initially, Lexa would have thought her pain was exclusive. It wasn’t. Raven was part of their little bubble. She had always been. Everything Clarke and Lexa ever did, it affected Raven too, and every decision Raven took, Clarke and Lexa were a part of it too. 

So this bubble of pain, Raven was in it with her too. 

Raven’s pain was just as severe. And Lexa felt it last night, she felt it in every sob and every tear shed for their favourite person in the world. Was it awkward waking up to Raven’s face so peaceful and so at rest snug against her arm? Hell yes.   
  
It was all types of weird and different. But she knew she didn’t want to make it weird. Because last night felt worth it. For those few hours, there was no pain. Just beautiful memories of Clarke. 

When Lexa returned home an hour and a half later, Raven was in fact all freshened up and preparing breakfast. However, when Lexa sat on the stool by the kitchen island, she realized Raven wasn’t making eye contact. 

“How are you feeling?” Lexa asked. 

“The aspirin helped.” Raven said. 

“Good.. what are we eating?” Lexa asked. 

“Omelettes” 

“Rae, are you okay?” 

“I’m fine, why?” Raven said as she turned to go to the coffee machine. 

Lexa got up from her stool and followed her there and when Raven turned, Lexa was right in front of her face, too close in fact so Lexa took a step back. 

“What’s gotten you acting this way?” Lexa asked. 

“Lexa, if last night made you uncomfortable, I understand. We were a little high and…” 

“Raven, we just talked last night… didn’t we? Am I missing something here?” Lexa suddenly couldn’t trust her own memory, 

“Yes! That’s all! We didn’t do anything else. Not that we were intending to. We just talked and hugged” 

“Yes” Lexa said 

“Okay good” Raven said. 

“Okay I’m still missing something here” Lexa said. 

“I thought you felt awkward waking up with me asleep on your arm” Raven finally admitted. 

“Well, it did surprise me, but then I remembered we were hugging and crying last night. We must have fallen asleep like that.” 

“Yea” Raven said. 

“Can I be completely honest with you?” Lexa said. 

Raven simply nodded. 

“Last night, talking with you, it felt good. For those few hours, I couldn't feel the PAIN of loss. Just loss. Shared with you. And memories.” 

Raven was finally looking at her now, “Me too. It was…. comforting.” 

Lexa nodded. “Maybe we can do that again sometime this week. Just talk. With no inhibitions, honest us.” Lexa suggested. “I don't know about you, but it was the only part of all of this grieving that made me feel anything worth feeling.” 

“Yea, I’d like that too. We’re gonna need more alcohol though, and more aspirin.” Raven said. 

Lexa smiled softly and then brought Raven in for a hug. 

“You don’t know how grateful I am to have someone who gets it. Who feels the same things I feel about all of this” Lexa said.

Raven allowed herself the comfort. It had been such a hard week. At least they could give themselves this. Each other’s assurance that they were here for one another. 

“Ditto about you, Lexa” 

  
That afternoon, Lincoln and Octavia came over to spend some time with them. They talked about random things until someone brought up Clarke’s belongings. 

“Just a suggestion, but maybe you could consider giving her clothes away to charity.” Octavia suggested. 

“I’m not giving anything away!” Lexa suddenly said. 

3 pairs of eyes in the room turned to gaze at her. 

“Lexa, you can’t hold on to…” Lincoln began to explain

“She’s been gone for a few days, and you guys are already talking about giving her stuff away!” 

“Lexa, Octavia and Lincoln don’t mean bad, they’re just looking out for you” Raven tried to intervene. 

“How is talking about erasing every trace of Clarke away from her home in any way looking out for me?” 

“No, Lexa, that’s not what they’re insinuating,” Raven said. 

“Oh no Lexa, not at all, we’d never want to leave you with no trace of her, she’s every bit a part of you” Octavia assured her, coming to sit closer by her side. “I’m sorry if we sounded like we were implying that.” 

Lexa simply nodded. Then Raven added. “I think we can have the conversation about Clarke’s belongings after a while, okay?” Raven said for all of them in the room. 

Then Lexa got up from her seat and excused herself, saying she needed some air. 

Octavia and Lincoln eventually decided to come back another time and check on them, but Raven assured them Lexa just needed some time, she was okay. 

After they’d left, Raven decided not to go after Lexa, she had disappeared upstairs and hadn’t come back down, but she figured Lexa must have wanted a breather away from any human interaction right now. 

So Raven busied herself with a few chores around the house, and about an hour later she went upstairs to check on Lexa. She found her in their bedroom, sitting at the edge of their bed, staring at their closet of clothes. 

Raven knocked softly on the open door and asked “May I come in?”   
Lexa nodded. She looked tired and worn out. She’d been crying bitterly again. 

“I’m so sorry, did they leave? I should call O and apologize.” Lexa began to wipe at the tears on her face and looked around for her phone. 

“No, they understood, they realized it’s too soon, they know you need to do this in your own time” 

“Their suggestion wasn’t bad. I overreacted.” Lexa said, her gaze going back to their closet of clothes. 

Raven came up to her, and sat beside her on the bed. She too stared at all of their clothes neatly folded and placed in there. Some of Clarke's iconic dresses hanging there beside Lexa’s pressed blazers. 

“You didn’t overreact, you’ve lost your wife, you want to keep as much of her as you can” Raven said. And Lexa could have sworn it was like Raven was reading her mind. 

“Octavia gave me something. To hand over to you.” Raven finally said, and then held her closed fist out until Lexa looked down, she opened her fist to reveal a ring. Lexa knew this ring. It was the one she’d put on Clarke’s finger. It was the one she’d spent weeks deciding on, she flew Anya down one weekend only so that she could validate Lexa’s choice of ring.

It was supposed to be perfect for her Clarke, and it was. Clarke had been ecstatic. But to Clarke, it wouldn’t have made a difference even if it was a paper ring that Lexa offered her, Clarke had been ecstatic about marrying Lexa. Period. Ring or no ring. But it mattered to Lexa, that Clarke was given only the best, cause she deserved the best. 

Now Lexa stared down at the ring in the centre of Raven’s palm and she couldn’t bring herself to take it back. She just couldn’t. 

Raven could feel her unease immediately. So she closed her hand around it once more. And pulled Lexa into her embrace.

“I got you. I’ll hold on to it. Until you’re ready to keep it safe with you, as you please.” Raven said. 

Lexa nodded into her shoulder as she cried her heart out for the millionth time this week. 

The next week had pretty much been the same. Both of them trying to go about their daily chores, trying to bring some form of normalcy to their life, but realizing how difficult that was when a huge piece of them was missing. They were so incomplete without her. 

Every chore, every movement in the house, everything they tried to do reminded them so much of their beautiful Clarke. 

They went over to spend a day with Abby mid week. That evening when they came back home, Raven went in for a shower and when she came back out she found Lexa talking to someone on her phone. 

Raven stood by, toweling her hair, clad in her pyjamas and happened to listen in to Lexa. 

“Yes, I got your messages, I’m sorry it took me a while to respond”   
“Yes, I think it’s a wonderful gesture, Clarke was close to so many of you.”   
“Yes, I will be there, I just wanted to ask if it’s okay if I bring a friend along?”   
“Yea, it’ll make me feel more at ease, honestly”   
“Thank you, I’ll see you next Sunday” 

When Lexa put her phone down, he hadn’t realized Raven was in the room, until Raven asked. 

“Sorry, who was that?” Raven asked, coming to sit on the armrest of the single-seater couch. 

“O good, you’re here. Umm, that was Niylah, one of the teachers who worked with Clarke? I called to tell them that I’ll be there, for the memorial they’re planning” 

“That’s great! I think it’ll be beautiful. Moving even. She was such a hit at that school. Is it just the teachers or students too?”

“Students too” 

Raven acknowledged with a nod. 

“I was wondering if you’d accompany me?” Lexa said. 

Raven kept the towel she was using to dry her hair on her lap and looked at Lexa. 

“It’s just, the last few days have been such a roller coaster and I think I’ve been able to deal with all the emotion only because you’ve been here with me… I know this sounds…”

“You don’t need to explain it Lexa, I get it. I’ll be there if you need me.” Raven assured. 

“I do.” Lexa said earnestly.

Raven placed her hand on Lexa’s assuringly. 


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: 

The last few days had been so much about putting their routine into place again, trying to navigate what their lives were like without Clarke, the nights, their nights were all about Clarke. Those were moments they both found themselves really facing their grief. 

They’d come to rely on one another for comfort, a shoulder to lean on, to cry on, a hug that felt like the pain wouldn’t be permanent. Of course, the wine helped to lower their guard, to be truthful.   
  
So here they were again, wine glasses in hand, lounging on the living room couch and talking. Laughing about some memories they shared with Clarke. This exercise was becoming something they waited for at the end of the day, looked forward to it, it was the only time the pain felt like it could be bearable. 

“I don’t think Clarke and I ever fought,” Raven said, trying to recall anything they may have disagreed on. 

“Are you kidding me right now? That one time you’ll had a disagreement, and I got to see a whole new side of Clarke.” 

“Oh wait. The time I didn’t believe her when she told me she found out Kyle was cheating on me?” Raven asked, cause she knew that was about the only time they had somewhat of an argument and didn’t talk for a good 24 hours. She was dating Kyle Wick for a year, this was the year Clarke and Lexa had just moved in together. 

Lexa nodded, “she came home that day, slamming the door behind her, and when I asked her what’s wrong she didn’t respond, but she rushed up the stairs and went straight to the bedroom. So I followed her up.” 

“And?” Raven asked, realizing that she never really knew about Clarke’s side of things on this day. 

“And I found her pacing in the room, just walking back and forth, her hands folded across her chest. I tried approaching her and asking her what’s wrong, but she wouldn’t have any of it, she just told me to leave her alone and I honestly found that quite strange. She never pushed me away no matter what was on her mind” 

“Well, if it’s any consolation, I was in the same mood that day.” Raven said, remembering the day like it was yesterday.   
  


**Flashback**  
  
“Clarke you’ve been pacing for the last 5 minutes, can you please talk to me and tell me what happened? Did you tell Raven?”, Lexa asked. 

Clarke finally stopped pacing and looked at Lexa, her eyes were red and Lexa couldn’t tell if it was from anger or sadness. 

“Yes Lexa. I just told my best friend that she’s being cheated on, that the person she’s so madly in love with is seeing someone else behind her back. And you know what? She didn’t believe me.” 

“Oh Clarke” 

“I just want to be alone right now Lexa, please” 

“Clarke, I think it’ll be better if you talk it out with me.” 

“LEXA. Do you know what that feels like? My best friend thinks I'm making this up, when all I’m trying to do is protect her. She’s willing to fight me over it, me who’s known her for so many years, all for this worthless asshole who she’s known for just a year, who doesn’t even respect her the way she deserves.” 

“No, Clarke, I don’t know what that feels like, but I know you’re hurt.” 

“I’ll be okay. I just want to talk to Raven. Make her understand.”

“She’ll come around” Lexa tried to offer some comfort. But Clarke wasn’t having any of it. Clarke went to her side of the bed, and plopped herself down, laying down, staring at the ceiling and feeling helpless, looking so troubled and annoyed. 

Lexa decided to give her some space and went downstairs to continue with some chores. That night when they were in bed, Clarke got in and resumed the same position as she was in earlier. 

Lexa turned on her side to face Clarke. 

“She’ll come around” Lexa repeated the same words from earlier. Hoping to reach Clarke. 

This time Clarke closed her eyes and a tear rolled down towards her temple. 

“We’ve never fought this way before, she’s never been this angry at me before, we’ve never not spoken for this long before.” 

And Lexa knew this to be true. The only other person Clarke texted, spoke to, or updated as much as she did Lexa, was Raven. Their friendship truly was something to write books about. 

Lexa wanted to scoot over and hug Clarke, cuddle her close and keep assuring her that things will be okay between them again, but she didn’t want to upset Clarke further, when Clarke wanted the space. 

But this time, Clarke was the one who turned and scooted closer, burying her face into Lexa’s t-shirt 

“I miss my best friend, Lexa.”

“I know, baby. I know…” Lexa tried to comfort her girlfriend, stroking her hair, whispering to her that Raven will see the truth soon, that they’ll be okay. 

That night Clarke fell asleep sobbing into Lexa’s shoulder. Lexa knew they were tight. But seeing this side to Clarke tonight, really showed her what this friendship was to them. It was super important to Clarke, and thus, super important to Lexa now. She hoped Raven would see reason soon. 

Lexa was awoken to the sound of her phone ringing. She reached out for it carefully, trying not to disturb her girlfriend who was draped along her body, holding Lexa close, face resting on her shoulder, she’d cried herself to sleep last night, she must feel so exhausted. 

It was Raven. 

“Hey Lexa, listen I’ve been calling Clarke since I woke up, I guess you guys are still in bed. But ummm, could you let me in, I’m at the door.” 

“OMG, uh, yea, one second.” Lexa carefully got out of bed, and went downstairs and opened the door to a Raven who looked like she had a rough night too. 

“I can wait till she’s awake.” Raven said. 

“No I think you should just go wake her up. You’ve both had a rough couple of hours.” Lexa suggested, she could tell from the look on Raven’s face, she was here to make things right. 

Raven nodded and came in, and went straight right up towards Clarke’s bedroom. 

Lexa decided to stay back, make breakfast maybe for the three of them, surely, they’d be hungry after this conversation. 

  
“Clarke, hey.. Wake up… it’s me, Raven..” 

Clarke opened her eyes to the voice she knew so well, and for a moment she thought she was going crazy. 

“Rae?”

She sat up suddenly and Raven sat on the bed to face her, tears coming back to her eyes. 

“Clarke, I’m sorry” Raven said. 

Clarke put her arms around Raven and brought her in for a hug, and didn’t let go. 

Raven was crying into her shoulder and Clarke was stroking her hair and saying to her “It’s alright, Rae, it’s alright...”

When she finally pulled away she looked into Clarke’s eyes, and noticed she too looked tired and worn. 

“I broke up with him.” Raven said. 

“You did?” Clarke asked, reaching to take her best friend's hand in hers, knowing how much it would have taken from Raven to break something she really wanted, something she believed was good. 

“I did. After we fought after you left, I couldn’t get it off my mind, and I knew you wouldn’t ever tell me such a thing unless you knew it to be true, I should have trusted you the minute you said it, you were looking out for me… like you always do.” 

“Oh Rae…” 

“I called him up, asked him to meet me in the park, and I called it off.” Raven said.

“Oh babe, I wish you’d called me…” Clarke said. 

“I spent the rest of the day feeling so miserable.” 

“He hurt you, you’re bound to feel that way, he’s a total asshole for treating you with such disrespect, you deserve so much better.” 

“I wasn’t crying about him, Clarke.” Raven admitted, looking into Clarke’s eyes, hoping she knew. Clarke knew. Just like Clarke, Raven had been shaken up about their exchange yesterday. 

Clarke brought her in for a tighter hug. “I missed you.” Clarke said. 

“I missed you too”. 

  
Lexa heard voices from the stairs, and knew from the tone itself, things were right again. 

“You two done making-up?” Lexa teased. 

“Did you mean making-out?” Raven teased back. 

Lexa tried to look unbothered, but she did sometimes envy the closeness they shared. Made Lexa want a best friend too. But she knew she’d found everything in Clarke. 

Clarke came up to Lexa and kissed her deeply, “good morning” Clarke whispered at her lips.

“Good morning, babe” Lexa whispered back, smiling at her wife’s contentment again. And then addressed Raven’s come back. 

“Well, with you two, I wouldn’t be surprised. I don’t think Clarke has ever cried this much over me at all”, Lexa said when Clarke went back around the kitchen counter to take a seat on the barstool near Raven. 

Raven laughed and elbow nudged Clarke “you cried for me too?” 

Clarke opened her mouth to say something but Lexa spoke instead 

“Nonstop, she even pushed me out” 

“Don’t exaggerate,” Clarke scolded. 

“I swear I’m not exaggerating. I just couldn’t reach out to you yesterday.” Lexa said

“That being said, don’t be getting any ideas, I don’t ever want to be crying about you.” Clarke said to Lexa. 

“Ditto about you” Lexa said pointedly at Clarke. 

They laughed it off and had a beautiful morning sharing breakfast together that day.   
  


**Present Day**

Lexa downed the remaining wine in her glass and then closed her eyes and leaned her head back over the backrest of the couch. 

“We should have gone with something stronger.” she said. 

Raven chuckled and wiped the tears from her cheeks. She missed her best friend so much. She missed her energy, her protectiveness, her smile, her passion. All of it. 

“I’ll get us more wine.” Raven said, taking the empty glasses to the kitchen and returning with them full, and also a new bottle in hand. 

“You guys had your share of disagreements too, didn’t you?” Raven asked. 

Lexa chuckled sadly “yea yea, of course, we’re a married couple. Were a married couple.” Lexa finished. 

“Yea, I remember some of those, remember that night you came downstair to sleep with me?” Raven said as she offered Lexa her glass of wine. 

“Don’t say it like that” Lexa chuckled then said “Honestly, we had the oddest of fights, they happened rarely, but for the oddest of reasons. Like it would start with something so petty, and we’d end up saying the craziest things to one another.” 

Raven chuckled, she knew. 


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12  
  


**Flashback**

The first most intense argument they’d had happened in their very first year of marriage.

Lexa was having the worst week at work. They had some important cases to close and the pressure to deliver soon was getting to her. She would come home late at night, and most nights that week, Clarke had waited up for her, even though she asked her not to, she knew Clarke had to get to school early the next morning and she would simply be ruining her sleep cycle. 

But she insisted, she didn’t mind, she wanted to be awake when Lexa finally came to bed, and she’d tell her about the day she had and they’d share kisses before falling asleep in one another’s arms.

It was Friday, and when Lexa got to work, she knew she had too many things to complete before the day ended, but she was looking forward to the end of the day, when this week would finally be over and she could go home to her wife and their friend who now lived with them and spend a relaxing evening, catching up with them on everything she’d probably tuned herself out off all week. 

When she got home that night though it was later than even she had planned, and she realized only when she got into her car to drive home, that in the rush of things she had to complete, she’d forgotten to text Clarke she was gonna be late. She figured she’d just go straight home now and explain. 

When she turned her key in the door at 10.30 pm, she could hear laughter and voices from the living room, she took her coat off, hung it in the little closet near the door, and walked in, to find Clarke and Lexa on the couch, sharing a tub of ice cream.

Lexa’s whole body felt at ease at once 

“Hey” she said softly. 

But she didn’t exactly get the response she was hoping for. Raven waved and Clarke simply nodded and got back to her ice cream. 

“I’m sorry, I got so tied up with meeting the deadlines, I forgot to text you guys I’d be late” 

“No problem.” Clarke said, getting up from her seat on the couch, coming up to Lexa, and Lexa thought yes, she could really do with a warm kiss from her wife right now, but instead, Clarke cem up to her, and kissed her cheek and smiled and said, “I’ve kept dinner in the microwave for you, I’m heading to bed okay?” 

“Okay, yea sure…” Lexa said. 

When she was gone, Lexa looked at Raven. 

“Is she mad?” 

“No one knows her better than you, wifey.” Raven said with a little laughter in her tone. 

Lexa sighed and went to the downstairs bathroom to quickly freshen up, she then went to the kitchen and got herself dinner, she sat there and ate quickly, then said goodnight to Raven, who had pulled out her sofa bed and was tucking herself in. 

When she entered their bedroom, Clarke was brushing her hair at the dresser table. 

“Hey baby…” Lexa said, walking up behind her.   
Clarke smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes. 

“You must be tired.” Clarke noted. 

“I am, it was a crazy day. I’m just glad the week’s over” 

“I figured.” Clarke said. 

Lexa leaned in over her and kissed atop her wife’s head and said “I missed you” 

Clarke smiled, reached up for Lexa’s hand and kissed it when she offered and said “I missed you too.” 

But there was something about Clarke’s tone and energy that Lexa could tell was off. 

“I’m going to have a shower, do you want to join me?” Lexa asked, with a sparkle in her eyes, even though she looked so tired. 

“Maybe tomorrow? I’ve got a couple of assignments to check before I sleep, I can do that while you shower.” 

Lexa nodded, kissed her wife’s head again and went in for a shower. 

When she got out 15 minutes later, wearing her boxer shorts and a baggy t-shirt, she couldn’t wait to just jump into bed with her wife and kiss her and hear about her day and tell her about her own. 

“Lex, did you call the guy to come look at the leak of the downstairs bathroom sink?” 

Lexa stopped in her tracks at the foot of the bed. “Uh… no” 

“I left you a text about it today.” Clarke said, lifting her eyes from the papers she was looking through, spread out before her on the bed. 

“Oh Clarke, I didn’t get a chance to look at my phone at all today” 

“Babe, I’ve been reminding you all week, you’re telling me you didn’t have the time to make one call?” Clarke asked

“I’m sorry, I’ll do it first thing tomorrow” 

“Ugh! I should have just done it myself” Clarke said softly, but not soft enough that Lexa didn’t hear. 

“Hey there’s no need to be bitter, Clarke, I’m free tomorrow, I’ll do it.” 

“Lex, I would have done it myself, except that we saved his number on your phone and I even tried calling you to tell you that if you didn’t get the time, to send me the contact and I’ll call him” 

Lexa wiped her face down, she really didn’t wanna fight with Clarke right now. 

“Again, I didn’t have time to look at my phone today Clarke” 

“Are you listening to yourself Lex, what if it had been an emergency? What if I needed you for something more serious, what then?” 

“But that wasn’t the case, babe” Lexa tried to reason. 

“But if it was?! I get it-you're busy...”

“You have no idea how much.” Lexa said, exasperated. 

Now there was silence. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Clarke asked. 

“Nothing, it’s just that, you come home after school so you have time the rest of the day, but I’ve had long workdays this week, and I just got tied up is all, you know it’s not always the case.” 

“Are you insinuating that my job isn’t as hectic as yours?” Clarke said after some thought. 

“Clarke you’re a…” Lexa stopped herself. She knew what she was going to blurt out was not what she wanted to say nor what she believed. And it would come across completely wrong. 

“A teacher. I’m a teacher. And you think that’s not as time-consuming or important as a lawyer.” Clarke went on. 

“No Clarke, I’m sorry, I didn't mean for this conversation to reach here, I don't think that at all. I’m just really exhausted and I don't have ample energy to argue right now, I'm saying all the wrong things.” 

Clarke stayed silent then.

“I can’t be near you right now.” Clarke said suddenly when Lexa approached her side of the bed. 

She stilled. “What do you mean?” 

“I’m sleeping on the sofa-bed downstairs tonight.” Clarke said as she got up and started putting her papers away. 

“Wait what?! Clarke, you can’t be serious.” Lexa said, panicking. 

“What? You said you don’t have the energy to talk about this right now, and I don’t think I’m going to sleep easy knowing you’ve made me out to be so small in your head. I thought we had a better understanding of one another.” 

“Clarke, we do. wait. Oh my god, I respect you so much, you, your job, everything that you do, please don't take this the wrong way…” Lexa pleaded now. 

But Clarke seemed to have made up her mind. She said nothing and went to the bathroom. 

Lexa sighed. They needed to talk. But Clarke was not having any of it tonight. So she did the least she could do for now, she took her pillow and phone and went downstairs, making it clear that if Clarke wanted this space between them, she won’t let her leave their bedroom. She can have their bed. She deserved that. 

When Clarke returned to find Lexa was gone, she couldn’t help but feel an ache in her chest.   
  


Lexa felt horrible. When she came downstairs with her pillow in hand, Raven wasn’t asleep yet. She looked at Lexa and said, “You’re not getting in this bed, until I know for sure I’m not gonna get killed for sharing the same bed with my best friend’s wife.” 

“It’s official Raven, I think we just had our first married-couple fight.” Lexa said. 

“Should I bring the wine?” Raven asked. 

“I could collapse any moment, now.” said Lexa, tired. 

“Goodnight, Lexa. Make it up to her in the morning. And stay on your side of the bed.” 

Lexa chuckled. She finally lit up her phone and looked through her texts. Yep, it was there, Clarke’s messages from earlier. 

She knew she owed Clarke an apology. She really insinuated the most stupidest thing up there. 

She stayed on Clarke’s chat window for a while and typed “I’m sorry, Clarke, I was an ass. I do regret that whole exchange.” but just as she was about to hit send, she saw the three dots that indicated Clarke was typing. 

“G’night” came Clarke’s message. 

“G’night, Clarke, I love you” she replied. 

Clarke read the message, but didn’t reply. Lexa sighed and kept her phone away. 

She closed her eyes and tried to sleep, her whole body felt so drained. And then her head began to ache. She thought it would go away on its own, but 20 minutes later and it had only gotten worse. She got up and went upstairs, she could take a painkiller from their bathroom cabinet, it would definitely put her to sleep. 

The door was open, so she didn’t have to knock, she walked in and in the dark she could tell Clarke was in bed, on her side of the bed. 

Lexa went into the bathroom, switched on the light and found the little box of pills. But in the effort to open it, she dropped a few things near the sink and she hoped she hadn’t woken Clarke. 

“Lex, is that you?” came Clarke’s voice. 

“Yes, sorry, please go back to sleep, it’s just me.” she said. 

“What are you doing?” Clarke asked. 

“It’s nothing.” 

She got the pill she needed, she would go downstairs and down it with some water and then try and sleep. 

When she came back out into the room, Clarke was seated in her bed, with her bedside lamp on. 

“What did you need?” Clarke asked. 

“Just a pain-killer babe, don’t worry, sleep” 

“Here, wait, there’s water here.” Clarke reached out to her bedside table where she always kept a glass of water covered with a coaster cause she tended to feel thirsty at night. 

Lexa walked over and took it from her and then took the pill. 

“What hurts?” Clarke asked, and Lexa could see the worry etched in her features. 

“It’s just a headache babe, I’ll be fine, you should sleep, let’s talk in the morning.” Lexa tried to assure her with a smile and then backed away and left the room. 

15 minutes later and she was turning and tossing on the sofa-bed.

“Hey…” she heard Clarke’s worried voice in the dark.

She rubbed at her eyes and saw Clarke leaning in over her. 

“Clarke… why aren’t you upstairs sleeping?” Lexa whispered, not wanting to disturb Raven.

“I couldn’t sleep, I know how you struggle to sleep even after a pain-killer” Clarke said softly.

Lexa chuckled and scooted a little towards the center of the sofa-bed to let Clarke sit beside her. 

Clarke immediately leaned in and kissed over her forehead and then told her to close her eyes. She then started rubbing soothing circles on Lexa’s forehead, massaging slowly and humming a soft tune. 

“Oh Clarke, you don’t have to..” Lexa started.

“Shhh I want to, you’re my wife, I couldn’t bear the idea of you in pain.” Clarke said softly. 

“I hurt you so much today, I can’t tell you how sorry I am.” Lexa said.

“We can talk about that tomorrow, you need to sleep.” Clarke said, leaning in and this time, kissing Lexa’s lips gently and ever so sweetly. 

Sometime during the night, Clarke simply laid down there with Lexa, both of them happy to be snug against one another, and they really weren’t taking too much space, so Raven seemed to be undisturbed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's 12 chapters up!   
> Thanks for reading so far, friends. Stay tuned for more soon. I'm done with 20 chapters but they need a lot of proofreading and editing cause I type like a maniac when the story's just running in my head and the characters are really just doing their own thing as I go. :P   
> Other writers will relate. 
> 
> Anyway, do leave me your comments on the story so far. Also I'd love to know where my readers are from? I'm from Mumbai, India.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter continues where we left off in the last chapter, so I'd suggest you refresh your memory by reading a bit of the last chapter.   
> It continues in flashback.

Chapter 13:

When Clarke woke up in the morning, she realized it was already 9 am. But thankfully, it was Saturday. She also noticed that Lexa and her had somehow used up most of the space of the sofa bed and Raven was missing. She hoped they hadn’t unintentionally kicked Raven off.

She looked at Lexa’s sleeping face, and traced an outline along her cheek, and that sharp jaw of hers. Her wife was gorgeous. Simply gorgeous. She decided to let her sleep a little longer, she’d really been so out of it last night. She got up and looked around for Raven, but didn’t find her in the kitchen, so she went upstairs. Raven was smart. 

And right enough, there she was, snug in their bed. Clarke wanted to laugh out loud. 

Raven‘s eyes opened just then and she saw Clarke at the doorway. 

“What? I couldn’t let a perfectly good bed go to waste. Besides, you two were totally invading my privacy last night.” 

“Ewww. what did you need privacy for” 

“Ewww you too. If you’ll had sex on my sofa bed, I want a new sofa bed.” Raven said. 

“We didn’t have sex in your bed, Rae. Now go back to sleep.” Clarke told her with laughter in her tone and she did. 

When Clarke went back downstairs to get breakfast started, she noticed Lexa was up and sitting at the edge of the bed. She went over to her 

“Hey…” 

“Clarke… where did you go?” Lexa asked. 

“I just went to check on Raven, I think she saw the opportunity and went over to sleep in our bed sometime in the middle of the night.” Clarke said with a warm smile and sat beside Lexa. 

Lexa immediately angled herself towards Clarke, and reached to take her hands in hers. 

“Thank you, for looking after me like that last night, I think I fell asleep soon after you joined me” 

“You did, I felt bad for kicking you out.” 

“No. I deserved it, that brings me to… I’m sorry Clarke. I hope you know I recognize how important you are, your job is, I would never play it down or insinuate that what I do is more than what you do. We’re equals you and I, and I'm such an asshole for the things I said, really. Also, you were right, the least I could have done was checked my texts or informed you. I promise I won't get so lost in work again that I disregard you that way.” Lexa brought her hand up to kiss over her knuckles gently. And Clarke smiled softly. 

“Apology accepted. And I promise I won’t kick you out ever again, I think after I did it, I realized I had shot myself in the foot. I couldn't sleep without you near me.” Clarke laughed.   
“And I should have been more understanding of your exhaustion. I know how it gets when you have a tough work week.” 

Clarke leaned in and brought Lexa’s lips to her own, kissing her passionately, letting her kiss do the rest of the talking, letting Lexa know that they were okay. 

Lexa hummed and pulled away, “Can we spend some more time in bed?”

Clarke gave it some thought, they actually could. Raven was still asleep anyway. And they had nowhere to be immediately. 

“I was just warned by Raven that if we had sex in her bed, we owe her a new bed.” 

“She doesn’t need to know.” Lexa said mischievously and pulled Clarke down into the bed with her, attacking her with soft, passionate kisses and caresses. 

  
**Present Day**

  
“Oh my god.” Raven almost spat out her wine and she jumped up off the couch 

“No no no” Lexa laughed, “We didn’t. Clarke wouldn’t allow it!” Lexa said with laughter in her tone. 

Raven sat back down relieved. “Good God. You two were insatiable.” 

“Clarke was… she was something.” Lexa said, thoughtfully. 

Raven laughed. 

“What?” Lexa asked her. 

“She’d say the same about you.” Raven said. 

“Just how much would she tell you about our sex life?” Lexa asked, sipping from her wine. 

“More than you would like” Raven confirmed. 

“Wow” Lexa’s cheeks actually got red. 

“Yep. I know way more about you than I should, Lexa Woods.” Raven said smirking, 

“Okay this is embarrassing” Lexa said, shifting in her seat and not making eye contact

“It would be embarrassing if you were not good at it.” Raven said. 

“Ahaan” Lexa replied. 

“Clarke, had only good things to say about you. Immense praise.” Raven said with laughter in her tone.

Lexa finally looked at her “Well, Clarke was quite the expert in bed herself. She used to give the best shoulder massages.”

Raven cleared her throat. “Well, now that’s something I can take credit for” 

“What?” 

“I swear. I taught her exactly which muscles needed pressure to really relax.” 

“You’re kidding me.” Lexa said. 

“Let me prove it, turn around.” Raven said, keeping her wine glass down on the coffee table and signaling Lexa to shift around. 

Raven kneeled on the couch right behind Lexa and began to slowly ease the knots in her shoulders 

At first it felt normal, like anyone would think to massage your shoulders. But then there were some very strategic movements and muscles that she loosened that had Lexa closing her eyes and really feeling her whole body relax.

She couldn't help it when a sound, so not meant for a friendly massage, left her lips.

Raven immediately stilled her hands on Lexa and Lexa’s eyes opened. 

She shifted to turn around and Raven sat back. 

“So yea…” Raven said awkwardly. 

“Yep, that was definitely it. I believe you, you taught Clarke well.” Lexa said, not making eye-contact. 

They were silent then, and continued sipping on the remaining wine in their glasses and when they were done, they agreed it was time to sleep. 

  
Sometime in the middle of the night, Lexa awoke to the sound of pained sobs. She turned to find Raven restless, but still in her sleep, her face was etched with worry and she seemed to be in pain. 

“Raven?” Lexa tried to call out to her, she was definitely having some nightmare. 

“No, Clarke...no…” Raven said in her sleep, her whole body now going into a frenzy of motion

“Hey hey hey…” Lexa said, scooting over closer, and trying to get a hold of Raven’s face.

“Raven, wake up..” 

“Clarke please… don’t… don’t go.” Raven was still saying, and Lexa knew. She knew this pain, so she leaned in over Raven, and cradled her face with both hands. 

“Raven” and this time Raven’s eyes opened to find Lexa’s soft green eyes over hers. 

Her face scrunched up as she realized she was awake now, and Clarke was still gone, and she began to cry, Lexa pulled her into her embrace and Raven hid her face into Lexa’s shoulder and cried, Lexa didn’t know what came over her, but she kissed atop Raven’s head in some effort to offer comfort to Raven, and at some point later while they were wrapped up in one another they fell asleep. 

When Raven’s eyes opened in the morning, her throat felt dry. But there was another sensation that was starting to fill her mind. Lexa, sleeping right behind her, spooning her. Her arm around her waist, her slow breath against her neck, her warmth and scent overwhelming Raven. Raven’s t-shirt had ridden up a bit, and she could feel the warmth of Lexa’s arm against her waist. And the more she let her mind focus on the feeling, the more her body felt… something… she couldn’t put a finger on it. 

Raven wanted to move. Wanted to untangle herself from Lexa, so that Lexa wouldn’t have to wake up feeling awkward about their positions. But she knew any movement right now would wake Lexa up and it would anyway feel weird. 

What Raven also noticed was, this wasn’t entirely an odd feeling. She felt secure, safe, the same way she felt yesterday when her own mind tried to play games with her and cause her pain, but one look into Lexa’s eyes, one embrace from Lexa and the pain was gone. 

That’s what it felt like now, being this close to Lexa. Raven couldn’t understand what to make of this feeling. It felt all sorts of right, even as it really was all types of wrong. And as if on cue, as if her thoughts were loud enough to be heard, Lexa seemed to stir awake and for a minute she didn’t seem to move. Frozen. Like she was going through the same motions of thoughts in her head. When she finally moved her hand a little, Raven could have sworn her skin had heated up twice it’s normal temperature, Raven turned to look at Lexa. 

“Raven, I’m sorry…” Lexa started, panic in her eyes. 

“No please don’t apologise. We must have fallen asleep as soon as I woke from the nightmare last night.”, Raven explained. 

“Yea” Lexa said softly, shifting back to put some space between them but then Raven spoke.

“To be honest, it helped. So, thank you.” 

“Yea, it helped me too, it was the first time in nights I think I slept undisturbed.” Lexa admitted. 

They were silent then, thinking. 

“I ummm… I mean…I don’t mind staying wrapped up a little longer actually, if that’s fine with you. It’s still early.” Raven said. She didn’t know what made her say it but it was out there now and Lexa could totally reject her, think she’s being silly and let it go. In fact that’s what she was expecting as soon as she made the request. 

“Yea, I think I would like that too.” came Lexa’s response. 

And they looked at one another as if it had shocked them too. That they were allowing themselves to seek out this comfort from one another. That’s all it was really. Or at least that’s all they could understand about it for now. They felt safe, secure and understood in each other’s company. And they’d lost their most favourite person in the world. If the only thing that was bringing them any solace was this, maybe it wasn’t so bad to seek it out, right? Right? 

  
When Lexa woke up again, the smell of waffles filled her nose. Raven wasn’t in bed anymore. But the place beside her was still warm, so Raven had just woken up too. She looked at her phone to see the time, they had slept at least another 2 hours spooning one another. 

And Lexa did not know what to make of that. She got off the sofa-bed, closed it in so that it was set up for the day and then headed upstairs to shower. 

When she returned later, Raven was on her phone, speaking with someone, facing the other way, near the coffee machine. 

“No this isn’t working out for me, Axel. And with what’s happened now, I'm really not in the mind space to be seeing someone. Yea. Thank you, for understanding. Yep. bye.” 

Lexa tried to seem like she was busy with something on her phone, when Raven turned around 

“Hey” Raven said, and Lexa looked up. “Hey, good morning.” Lexa said, returning the warmth. 

“I couldn’t help but overhear…” Lexa started. 

“Yea, no… ummm, I was talking to this guy for a month now, but ever since… well, I haven’t really been responding to him… I just don’t feel…” Raven was stammering, unsure how to explain. 

“I get it.” Lexa said. 

“Yea” Raven said. Going back over to the coffee machine and bringing them both a mug each. 

“Clarke knew…?” Lexa wanted to ask

“Yea, I mean I told her I was talking to a new guy.” 

Lexa took a sip from her coffee and then asked “Did you like him?” 

Raven looked at her now and smiled sadly. “I did. He cared a lot. But this past week… it seems to have numbed me...” 

Lexa nodded, she knew in this moment, Clarke would know what to say to Raven, how to comfort her. But it was odd. If Clarke were around, they wouldn’t even be needing to have this conversation. 

“Trust me, I understand.” Lexa said. 


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14: 

Raven plated the waffles for both of them, and Lexa thanked her for taking care of breakfast for them. 

“What are you doing today?” Lexa suddenly asked Raven. 

“I didn’t make any plans as such, I’ll probably read a bit.” 

“I was thinking of spending some time outside today. Would you like to join me?” Lexa asked her. 

“Yea sure.” Raven said. She thought about the day they came home from the funeral, and how Lexa was keen on shutting her out. This was a huge difference since then. She was letting her in. and that’s a good thing. 

  
They had been walking for a while, just talking about random things under the sun. When they were nearing the park, Raven suggested they stop and chill for a bit.

They found a spot by a huge tree that offered ample shade. It was the early evening and the sun was still bright. 

What Lexa seemed to notice now was that the two of them had begun to share very comfortable silences. Like they just knew it was okay. They were both going through this together and most of the time, the loss felt heavy in their hearts. But it was letting them have these moments of silence between them that didn’t feel too heavy, just because it was the two of them. 

They’d always been friends, connected through Clarke, and things didn't have to be awkward between them. It was always just comfortable. 

So when Lexa leaned back against the tree and closed her eyes, she knew she felt a little more at peace than she did the day it happened. She knew that in this moment, she was with someone who got it. Someone who understood the pain. 

“Did you ever want kids?” Raven asked out of the blue. And it made Lexa open her eyes, she was still staring up at the trees, but she allowed her senses to recognize that the park really was filled with children, it was a Saturday and most parents were here with their kids. 

Her heart felt heavy. 

“I’m sorry, don’t answer if you don’t want to” Raven was backtracking, probably because Lexa was taking time to answer. 

“No it’s alright. Yea, I wanted kids. Clarke and I both. We’d talked about it a couple of times, we were hoping to visit a clinic next year and figure out our options.” 

Raven nodded in understanding. 

Lexa chuckled then “She had already decided on the god-mother.” 

Raven smiled. She knew too. Clarke was very vocal about just how important a friend Raven was to her. 

“She would have made a wonderful mother, for what it’s worth.” Raven said, still looking ahead at the kids playing in the jungle gym. 

Then she heard the sniffle beside her, so she reached out and tugged Lexa’s face to lean on her shoulder. 

“Both of you. You would have made a great family.” She added. 

Lexa didn’t need to hide her sorrow from Raven. She knew she got it. So she let the tears come as she envisioned a little family. Herself, Clarke, their little boy or girl, maybe both, and Raven of course. Raven would always be an important part of their family. 

That got her thinking and so she lifted her head and looked at Raven and asked, “What about you? You want to have kids in the future?” 

Raven laughed. Then nodded at Lexa and looked ahead again at the little ones screaming and throwing tantrums. 

“Most days yea, and then I see them acting like that.” she pointed to a kid who was screaming and howling cause his mother was trying to take him home, “and I think it’s the best contraception” 

Lexa laughed at that. 

“You’d make a good mom too, you know, whenever you do decide you want to be.” Lexa said. 

“How do you know that?’ Raven asked. 

“Well, it seems like you’ve made it your life’s mission to look after me, and I can be a total kid sometimes.” 

Raven really laughed out loud now, it was a sound she hadn’t heard from herself in a while. Even Lexa seemed to be amused by it. She looked pleased with herself. 

“Why are you taking care of me, Raven?” Lexa asked after a moment's pause, more seriously now. 

And Raven’s face turned serious too, she looked down at the grass that her fingers were playing with too. The question seemed to have set her on a new train of thought. 

Lexa waited her out. 

“Partly because it’s what Clarke would have wanted, partly because I care”, Raven finally said. 

Lexa stayed silent. And then Raven asked her “What about you? Why are you holding me through my nightmares?”

Lexa didn’t wait too long to answer, but she did place her hand on Raven’s fidgety hand on the grass and squeezed it comfortingly as she said, 

“Partly because it’s what Clarke would have wanted, and partly because I care” 

It made Raven smile, and her whole demeanor seemed to be at ease again. 

“And partly because I don’t have to bother with breakfast and coffee these days.” Lexa said with a hint of teasing in her tone. 

Raven looked at her with mirth and playfully whacked her knee. 

“Speaking of, let’s go get coffee.” Lexa said as she stood up and reached out a hand to help Raven up. 

  
They were in a cafe now, the sun was setting soon and the skies had gotten purple. 

“How come you thought of getting out today?” Raven asked as she took a bite of a cup cake.

“I thought it would be good for us. We’ve spent most of our time inside ever since… ever since that day” Lexa said thoughtfully. 

“Yea” Raven agreed. 

“Was it? Good for you?” Lexa asked before sipping her coffee. 

“Yes, I think it was. I’ll know if I manage to have a nightmare-less night” Raven said. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll wake up you if you have one of those again”, Lexa said nonchalantly. 

Raven looked at her expectantly so she added. “I’ve been sleeping a lot less than before, even when I do fall asleep, it’s light.” 

“Oh” Raven said, looking worried. 

“Except last night, after we… well after we…” 

“Cuddled” Raven completed for her, expressionless. 

And as if it was taboo to say the word like that, Lexa shifted in her seat and her cheeks flushed. Raven thought it was cute but didn’t want to call her out on it. 

They ate quietly after that until Raven suggested 

“Lexa, if you need... I’m okay with it… the physical proximity...” there it was. It was out there. The offer. And she used ‘physical proximity’ now instead of ‘cuddling’. Lexa could say no if she didn’t want it. 

Lexa simply looked at Raven nervously. 

“Raven, is this weird? Is this wrong?” Lexa looked so unsure. 

Raven didn’t really have an answer. Lexa continued. 

“I’ve been so out of it ever since it happened, but the only moments I feel some sense of comfort in the pain is when I’m close to you.” 

“Yea same” Raven said. “Lexa I don’t know what it means, and I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do, maybe it doesn’t need to be anything. Just two friends seeking each other out for comfort.” Raven tried explaining more so for herself. 

“Two friends, being there for each other through the grief.” Lexa said, putting her hand out on the table, palm facing up. Raven placed her hand on hers and lightly squeezed. 

“Raven, I don’t know what Clarke would think of us, I keep thinking, she’d be so disappointed with how weak I am, needing to rely on her best friend so much.” 

“Clarke would never judge you that way Lexa, no one expects you to be strong when you’ve lost someone you love so much.” Raven offered. 

“And if it’s any consolation, I feel it too, I keep wondering if my grief is misplaced. I was just her friend, but you were her wife and your grief is definitely much stronger.” 

“Raven, grief doesn’t work that way, you can’t measure it by relationship labels. Don’t do that. You loved Clarke with a fierceness as intense as mine. You have every right to grieve the same. To feel all these things you feel, to have those breakdowns and to seek comfort just the same.”

Raven nodded. 

They were almost done with their coffee and it was 7 pm now. 

“Let’s head home.” Lexa said with a soft smile. 

When they got home, Lexa decided to make dinner. Raven disappeared for a while, deciding to sit in the living room, give them both some alone time after a day spent together. 

Lexa could hear Raven’s voice from the living room, she was talking to someone on the phone she assumed. 

“Yea Abby, she’s right here, she’s making dinner, I’ll put you on speaker.” Raven said as she came in and approached Lexa with her phone. 

“Lexa honey, how are you?” Abby said. 

“I’m okay, Abby, how are things with you?” 

“I’m getting by, I was just telling Raven too, I have something in mind that I’d like to do in memory of Clarke, but I’ll give you the details when you come over next.” 

Raven noticed how every time Clarke's name was taken, Lexa’s eyes would grow sadder. It was just natural instinct now. She understood. 

“Sounds good, ummm, I have that memorial thing at the school next week, how about I come over the day after?” 

“Great, join me for dinner the next day, I’ll ask Marcus if he’d like to join us too, Raven, I hope you know i’m expecting you to come too” 

“I’ll be there Mama-Griffin” Raven said. 

“Great, you two been sleeping okay?” Abby asked. 

Raven looked up at Lexa and as if they’d made an unspoken agreement, they lied 

“Yea, it’s been alright” Raven said for them. 

“Okay good, I’ll see both of you soon okay.”

With that she hung up. 

Raven and Lexa had a quiet dinner that evening and when it was time to get to bed, Raven took the downstairs bathroom to shower, while Lexa went upstairs to change and freshen up. 

When Raven came out, Lexa was on the phone, but seated in bed. 

“I’ve had better days” she said to the person on the other side.

Raven decided to give Lexa some space and went into the kitchen to make sure the dishes were all put away and to lock the front door. 

When she had nothing else to do, she came back into the living room, found a book she was reading earlier, and sat on her side, reading. 

About 20 minutes later, Lexa seemed to have finished her conversation, put her phone down next to her and sighed. 

“That was Anya” Lexa said, even though Raven didn’t ask. 


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

“She called?” Raven asked. 

“No, no, I actually called her.” Lexa explained. “I felt like I needed to talk to her.” 

This made Raven smile. It was a good thing. That Lexa was willing to talk to Anya about this. It was definitely not easy for Lexa, but the smallest of things she managed to get done these days made Raven feel like they were on the right track. Clarke would be proud of her. 

“That’s good. How is she?” Raven asked. 

When Raven first met Anya, everyone thought they would soon become a thing. They actually tried too. It was Clarke’s idea. They went out on a couple of dates, but they soon realized they weren’t really that into each other and mutually decided to stay friends. 

“She’s well, she asked about you too, asked me to give you her love.” 

“Sweet” Raven said fondly. 

“She may come down next month, I told her I could do with some quality time with her” 

“That’s wonderful, Lexa, I’m sure she’ll be wanting to be close to you too in a time like this” 

“If I’m being honest, I really don’t like the idea of seeing anyone these days. Even Abby, she reminds me too much of what we’ve lost.” Lexa said sadly.

“Does that apply to me too?” Raven asked carefully. 

“You know it doesn’t. You seem to be the only person I can have near me these days. And it’s not like you don’t remind me of Clarke, you do. But in the most beautiful ways.” Lexa admitted. 

Raven smiled warmly and reached out to squeeze Lexa’s shoulder, comfortingly. 

“Listen, ummm, I know I’ve been camping out on your bed since… but if you ever want your space, I’ll go” 

“Where?” Raven asked, amused. 

“I’ll sleep on the floor or something.” Lexa said after some thought.

“Don’t be ridiculous Lexa” Raven said with laughter in her tone. “I have no problem sharing this space with you.

They both settled into bed, and pulled the cover over their legs and that’s when neither didn’t know what to do next. 

“So ummm…” Raven started and at the same time Lexa said “I think…” 

They both stopped mid-sentence. 

“You go first.” Raven said. 

“If you’re still okay with it, we could...sleep closer.” Lexa said. 

“Yea, I think I’d like that. I could do with a chance of a nightmare-less sleep” Raven said carefully.

“Okay” 

“Okay” 

Both of them scooted closer to the centre of the bed and like the earlier night, they resumed their spooning positions, Lexa the big spoon, holding Raven close. 

“Goodnight Lexa” Raven said. 

“Goodnight Raven. Your hair smells good.” Lexa added. 

Raven laughed. “Well, good for you then.” 

“You can compliment my spooning skills you know.” Lexa said. 

“Is this how you used to get your praise kink satisfied?” Raven teased. 

Lexa took advantage of the fact that her hand was round Raven’s waist and tickled her side to get back at her  
.   
Raven squealed! 

“You’ve been warned,” Lexa said, smugly. 

“Geez! We should have laid down rules.” Raven said. 

“Yea, like don’t try having sex with me, I’m taken.” Lexa attempted to joke.

But when Raven didn’t laugh or have a quick comeback for her, she added “I was kidding. Not that I want you to have sex with me, but not that it would be a bad thing, actually it would be inappropriate, but not cause of you, but cause I’m married, I was married...” 

“Lexa, shhhh.” Raven finally said, knowing Lexa was rambling nervously now. 

“Sorry” 

“No I was just thinking, I hope you know, that I’m not trying to take her place in your life. She was my best friend. I know what you were to one another. What you meant to each other.” Raven said. 

“No of course I know. I don’t think anyone could take her place even if they tried. And I know that’s not what you’re doing. That’s not what we’re doing right now.” Lexa assured. 

Raven turned her head a bit to look at Lexa

“Yea, for sure.” she said, and Lexa smiled. 

When she resumed her position, she softly said, “for what it’s worth, Woods, you do make a great big spoon.”

“So I’ve been told, a couple of times.” Lexa said smugly, happy to have been complimented.

  
When Raven’s eyes opened next morning, she could have sworn she woke up to something burning her back through her shirt.

She quickly shifted a little to look back at the person she knew was still asleep behind her and also let her hand find Lexa’s hand that was still wrapped around her middle, she was warm. Warmer than she should be. 

Raven quickly untangled herself and faced Lexa, she placed her hand over her forehead and then on her neck

“Lexa, hey…” she tried to rouse her awake, Lexa’s eyes opened groggily, but she couldn’t bring herself to focus on Raven. 

“Lexa you’re burning up, we should get you to a doctor”

Lexa mumbled something and then put her arm around Raven again, in an attempt to get her to go back to sleep, but Raven wasn’t having any of it. 

“Lexa! I’m serious. You have a fever.” 

“My monthly visitor arrived at night, Rae. my whole body’s in pain. But I’ll live. Unfortunately. Don’t worry.”

Now, to anyone else that entire string of words would not have made sense at all. But this was Lexa, and Raven had been living in the same house as her for a little over a year now. So she relaxed a little bit. 

Lexa always got sick on the first day of her period. It was like her body just hated it. Rejected the process. Despised it. Like her entire being was fighting against it and the internal revolt just made the whole experience worse. 

Raven had watched Clarke fuss over a sick Lexa every month. Most times it was a fever. But sometimes it was just body aches and nausea. Either way, it was always a heart-wrencher to see the ever-lively and jovial Lexa become such a small and hurting presence, even if just for those 1-2 days. 

“Can I get you anything? A hot water bag for the cramps?” Raven tried asking, but again. Lexa just mumbled something incoherent and instead of pulling Raven into her side, she simply snuggled into Raven’s side, and fell back asleep. 

Raven didn’t mind it, she wanted to be of some help and if this was what would help Lexa relax, then it was okay. 

  
When Lexa woke up, she realized she was alone in bed. And it was 11.30 am. 

She turned to lay facing the ceiling now and closed her eyes. Her body was still warm. She didn’t want to move. But she knew she’d have to get out of bed soon, she wanted to have another shower. And she should eat something right? yea, that’s what Clarke would have made sure of if she was here today, right? 

Lexa actually figured she’d got her period in the middle of the night. When she’d tried to untangle herself from Raven then, she could have sworn she heard Raven mumble something in protest, and she really did find it cute if she was being honest, Raven had such a peaceful look on her face as she slept, there was no worry etched in her features at all. Lexa tried again and even though she knew Raven was asleep and wouldn’t hear her, she whispered “I’ll be right back, I promise…” as she grazed her hand along Raven’s arm in a soothing gesture, hoping sleeping Raven was at ease. 

She’d changed and come back, and found Raven still asleep, but turned towards Lexa’s pillow, and her face buried into it. Lexa laughed. She got in under the covers again, and it was as if sleeping Raven felt her presence, she shifted back into their original position, and Lexa was asleep again in no time. 

Lexa wondered now if Raven was around, cause the room seemed too silent, there weren’t even any noises from the kitchen, and Raven had very little reason to head upstairs. 

Lexa sat up, she really should get out of bed, shower and make herself breakfast. Just then she heard the front door open and in came Raven holding two grocery bags. 

“Hey, you’re up!” 

“Yea, I overslept” 

“How’s the fever?” Raven said, coming over to where Lexa was still seated in bed. She placed the bags down near the edge of the bed

“It’s still there, but nothing to worry about, it’ll go.” 

“You're damn right it will, I realized we were out of ibuprofen so I headed out to get some, I’ll get you a glass of water to take it right now, and I picked out some other comfort food I thought you might want to binge on later, I also got one of those electric heating pads, I just think it’s more convenient than the simple water bags, I don’t know, also, I picked up some ice cream, in case you wanna have some later, I remember Clarke would get you Strawberry ice cream on your first day, so I didn’t want you missing it just cause she isn’t here, also, I figured we would probably run out of tampons eventually, so I just picked up another pack…” 

“Woah woah woah, Raven, slow down” Lexa stopped her mid-sentence

Raven looked at Lexa blankly. And Lexa looked amused. 

“What?” Raven asked. 

“You didn’t have to do all this.” Lexa said. “Thank you.” she added. 

Raven shifted her weight from one foot to another awkwardly. She knew she didn’t have to. But she wanted to. Clarke would have wanted her to, too, right? 

“It was no problem, really.” Raven said. 

Lexa nodded and smiled warmly. She then asked Raven “Did you sleep well?” 

“I did.” Raven said quickly. 

“Okay good, so… it works…” Lexa said. 

“Yea, it does…” Raven said. 

They stayed quiet then and Lexa looked into one of the bags and said, “I’ll help you put the groceries away.” 

“Nope, you’re staying in bed today. You’re not moving an inch until that temperature of yours comes back to normal. I swear, I woke up to my back on fire” Raven said, and Lexa laughed. 

“Well, I at least need to shower.” Lexa stated. 

“Okay, that I’ll allow.” Raven said, picking up the bags and heading over to the kitchen leaving Lexa to it. 

Lexa sat there a moment and watched Raven go. She felt grateful. For Raven, for Clarke having brought Raven into her life. Raven genuinely cared for her, and Lexa knew she cared right back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading so far, friends. :)   
> Stay tuned for more chapters soon! Lots of love ad hugs!
> 
> Also, don't forget to leave a comment with your thoughts on this update.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16:

It was the day of the memorial at the school. They had gotten up early and while Raven was using the downstairs bathroom to get ready for the memorial, Lexa was upstairs looking through her closet and trying to calm herself down. 

She couldn't decide what to wear and she was freaking out about the day. She knew what they day entailed. A lot of people telling her about how amazing Clarke was. Was. 

She knew what the day was going to do to her. But she needed to be there. She wanted to be there. She had to be there. Even though she knew it would bring out the worst of her emotions, she decided she would be able to get through it knowing Raven was going to be there with her too. 

It had been 2 whole weeks since she’d buried her wife, and it had been hard. But she was lucky to have not felt as alone in her grief as she thought she would be. Raven was right there with her, crying with her, remembering Clarke with her and proving to be the perfect source of comfort during this most emotionally unsettling phase of her life. 

Lexa loved her wife. And she was beginning to see now, why her wife adored Raven so much. She truly was a rare soul. 

When Lexa finally came downstairs, she figured Raven was probably still getting ready. So she sat on the couch. She began to overthink her choice of clothes. She’d finally gone with a black shirt tucked into her black trousers, and a tan belt and her tan shoes to go with it. The school had informed her it was a formal event and so she finally decided this was just right. 

“Alright, I’m ready to go.” came Raven’s voice from somewhere behind her and then Raven walked into view. 

Lexa had always known Raven was beautiful. So she couldn’t understand the feeling that erupted in her when she first gazed at Raven right now. She looked extraordinary. Well of course she always did, but Lexa wondered if maybe she never allowed herself to acknowledge it enough before. 

“Is this alright? I didn’t know what to pick out to wear, and I’m really bad at picking something good for formal events.” Raven rambled, picking up the flair of her dress on both sides and twirling once around. It was a grey dress that reached just below her knees, with a boat neck, and sleeves that went up till her elbows. She looked so unsure. 

Lexa stood up, and tried to put this in the most appropriate way she could.

“It’s perfect. You look... good. You look good.” 

“Wow. I’ve never heard you use such simple words on anyone before. I must really look awesome.” Raven said with a smirk. 

And Lexa laughed, she was glad Raven knew her well. 

“You look good too.” Raven said, looking at Lexa head to toe. 

“Really? I didn’t know if it was too much, I honestly don’t know what to expect from this memorial” Lexa said, as she picked up her wallet, tucked it into her pocket, and started walking towards the door. 

“Me neither,” said Raven as she followed Lexa towards the door, and then after a moment’s pause she said more thoughtfully, “But I do predict it’s going to feel really intense, and you should know that if at any point in time you need a time out, it’s completely okay, and no one will hold that against you.” 

“Thanks Raven, I think I’ll be alright.” She said and they left for the school. 

Lexa couldn't have been more wrong. From the moment they reached the school, to when they were ushered into the hall, to when Lexa was faced with a huge portrait of her wife’s beautiful face, her blue eyes sparkling with kindness and joy, the incense from the many candles around the frame, the little bouquets of flowers and cards that were left there by students over the last few weeks, right up to the moment all of the teachers who had met her previously when Clarke had introduced them to her wife came up to her to offer their condolences, LEXA WAS A MESS INTERNALLY. 

She was really trying to keep it together. But then came the students. They had put together a beautiful AV about their teacher, a couple of the elder ones came up and spoke about some of their most memorable moments when Clarke inspired them to work harder, went out of her way to make sure everyone understood every word of what she taught them. 

Lexa tried to keep her emotions in check. But she couldn't stop the tears when the students would come forward and give her a hug, she hugged them back tight, letting them know Clarke’s spirit would always live on in them.

The memorial was just about to come to an end, when 3 teachers approached Lexa. Lexa recognized all three of them cause they were Clarke’s closest friends from work. They’d even come over for dinner once when Clarke and Lexa hosted them after they’d just gotten married. 

They didn’t have words to start with, they simply came up to Lexa and hugged her tight, and when Lexa felt Niylah, one of the teachers, tremble in her arms, shaking from crying, Lexa found herself getting worked up too. 

She couldn't breathe easy. The three of them started to talk about their fond memories of Clarke, and how they hoped Lexa was doing okay, and that if she needed anything, if they could do anything to help her through this time, they wanted to.

It hit Lexa again. She was going to live the rest of her life without her soulmate, She was going to have to get on with life without her Clarke, Lexa felt her eardrums close in, the room seemed to spin, she could have sworn she was maybe even sweating, she couldn’t get herself to breathe normally, she looked around, she knew exactly who she needed to see right now. But she couldn't find her. 

Her lips tried to say her name, but the word wouldn’t come out, she wondered if her lips had even moved. She noticed the panicked look on the teachers' faces, one of them even asked, “Lexa, are you okay?” and tried to reach out to hold her arm, but Lexa took a step back.

She wanted to scream that she would never be okay. But she turned away, and spotted Raven at the other end of the hall talking to someone, and as if Raven had felt her gaze, she met her eyes and immediately knew Lexa was not okay. 

Raven rushed up to Lexa’s side and put an arm around her shoulder and excused them for a few moments, she led Lexa out of the hall into the corridor that had windows that opened out to face the school grounds. 

And when she was sure no one had followed them out, she wrapped her arms around a trembling Lexa and stroked her hair, whispering to her that she was okay, that she would be okay, that if she needed, they could excuse themselves and leave now. 

Lexa was trembling, and Raven wanted so bad to help her through this moment, she slowly cradled Lexa’s face in her hands, gently caressing her cheeks, wiping the tears as they fell from her eyes, down her cheeks.

“Oh Lexa, please tell me what I can do to make this okay… to make you feel better.” Raven whispered softly. 

“Stay close? Please. Please.” Raven had never heard Lexa be this way. Never. It was something else to see Lexa this broken and begging, and Raven would do anything she could to help her through it. 

Before she knew what she was doing, she angled her head upwards and connected her lips softly to Lexa’s forehead and whispered into her skin “I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to be right here with you, and even if we head back inside, I’m gonna be within 3 meters of you at all times, you just have to look at me, and I’ll come stand beside you, would that help?”

She felt Lexa nod slightly, her head in her hands. Raven stayed close, Lexa’s arms had wound around her waist and her breathing had still not come back to normal, so she decided she wasn’t going to break away just yet. 

She let her lips stay there, lightly brushing against Lexa’s forehead. She didn’t know who moved, whether it was her, or Lexa, but her lips brushed against Lexa’s eyebrow and she softly placed two butterfly kisses against Lexa’s eyes then. 

Lexa hummed. She seemed to be relaxing. 

“Is this okay?” Raven asked, so unsure. 

A slight nod, she got a slight nod from Lexa, so she continued a trail of very hesitant, light kisses down the side of Lexa’s face, until her lips were by her ear and she whispered. 

“We can do whatever you need right now. If you say you want to head home, we’ll go home, if you say you’re okay being here for the rest of the memorial, we’ll stay.” 

Lexa was silent for a while and Raven decided not to push. After what seemed like a good 15 minutes of holding her, Lexa softly said “We’ll stay.” 

Raven slowly pulled back and when she looked at Lexa, Lexa lifted her gaze slowly to finally look at Raven. 

Raven felt like she was really looking at Lexa’s eyes for the first time. They were greener than she knew. Was this what Lexa looked like this close? 

“Thank you, for that… it really helped” Lexa finally said. 

Raven was brought out of her little bubble of admiration for Lexa eyes with that, and she took two steps back putting enough space between them. 

A soft smile came upon her face and she held her hand out for Lexa to take, when she did, she led them back into the hall where no one made a big deal about Lexa needing a few moments away. Everyone understood. 

And if anyone noticed that Raven was always within a 3-meter radius of Lexa for the remainder of the memorial, they decided it was just plain happenstance. 

  
When they left that afternoon, Raven took the car keys and drove them back. Lexa was tired. And she ended up falling asleep on the drive home.

Minutes before they could reach their building, she awoke and sat up straight. 

“Hey, you were out like a light,” Raven said. 

“Yea, sorry, I think I was drained of all mental energy after that.” she explained. 

“I know.” Raven said. 

Raven kept her eyes on the road, but heard a soft sniffle from beside her, and as if it were natural instinct, she reached across with her right hand and placed it on Lexa’s knee.

She then felt Lexa’s hand come rest upon hers gently. Something about this was too intimate. But Raven refused to pull back. Lexa needed this and she was fine giving it to her. 

  
That night, once they were done with dinner, they’d decided the day called for some liquor. It had been a heavy day for both of them, and they felt like they needed to unwind a little bit, calm their nerves, feel a little less of the ache. 

Lexa had brought out whiskey tonight, and Raven didn’t mind it. She needed something strong too. Ever since she’d held Lexa today in that corridor today, she felt like she had crossed some invisible line between them. It was odd to her. But Lexa seemed to be okay with it. Well, at least she hadn’t brought it up yet. 

They were on their second peg of the night when Lexa said, “What you did today, for me, out in the corridor… that was…”

Raven panicked “I’m sorry, I really didn’t know what to do to help, I just acted on instinct, I promise, that won’t happen again” 

“NO. I mean, it was just what I needed in that moment,” Lexa said instead 

“Really?” Raven asked. 

“Yea” 

They stared at one another silently. 

“I mean, not that the kisses had to mean anything or something like that, right?” Lexa said nonchalantly as she took another sip.

And Raven agreed, “Yea no, it was just a way to bring you back to the present, you were reeling from everything that was being directed at you in that hall…” 

“Yea… it did help me ground myself… you uhh.. You have really soft lips.” Lexa said, not making eye contact. 

Raven let those words sit with her for a moment. She then downed the remaining of her drink and poured herself another peg. 


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

About an hour later, they were sitting closer together, their backs resting against the backrest of the couch and their legs out along the bed. 

Lexa’s head was resting on Raven’s shoulder and they were discussing the day's events, Raven was telling her about a couple of conversations she’d had with some of the teachers, and Lexa filled her in on all the anecdotes that were shared with her too.

It was 2 am now, and Raven yawned. 

“Come on, let’s get to sleep.” Lexa said and Raven nodded. 

As they scooted down and rested against the pillows, they somehow fell into a different position today, cuddling towards each other and not one against.   
Lexa’s face was tucked into Ravens’ neck, her arm around Raven’s waist. and Raven was almost breathing against Lexa’s hair. It was comfortable. 

“You okay?” Raven whispered softly into the night. 

“I am. I think” Lexa said. “Are you comfortable?” Lexa asked. 

“I am,” Raven assured. 

“I think the drinks are gonna help us pass out tonight.” Lexa said with a chuckle, she could already feel her head all fuzzy. 

Raven chuckled too. 

“Goodnight, Rae.” Lexa said, and then Raven felt Lexa’s lips softly kiss her neck, it was a whisper of a touch, but it was definitely reality. 

“You don’t get to call my lips soft when you own those.” Raven said softly in response, with a smile against Lexa’s head. 

“Really? You think my lips are softer?” Lexa asked into her skin.

“Ahaan. Now sleep. Goodnight,” Raven said, and decided it was okay to leave Lexa a kiss on her forehead again. It had been welcome earlier in the day, and it had been a long day for them both. 

Lexa hummed appreciatively into her neck, and Raven could have sworn she felt something twist in her tummy. A good twist. 

“Why does that feel so good?” Lexa spoke into her skin at her neck, and then all of a sudden, she was nuzzling her nose into Raven’s skin. 

“The forehead kisses?” Raven asked softly. 

“Yes,” Lexa said, and then Lexa placed a longer, softer kiss along the column of Raven’s neck, letting her lips stay connected to Raven’s kiss a second longer than necessary. 

Raven’s breath caught. She was sure her body erupted with goosebumps. 

“Lexa…” Raven whispered, and she kissed Lexa’s forehead once more, doing the same as Lexa did, letting her lips stay just a second longer. Harmless right? 

Lexa shifted a little, tilting her head up, Raven’s lips brushed against her nose, so Raven shifted just enough place a butterfly kiss against Lexa’s temple and softly she whispered, “Is this okay, Lexa?” 

She got a "Hmmm" from Lexa in reply. She placed soft butterfly kisses along the side of Lexa’s face, stopping at her cheek when she felt Lexa’s hand on her waist move slightly to reach the middle of her back. Lexa leaned in a little more and placed a soft kiss on Raven’s jawline. Raven shivered. 

“Don’t stop, stay close, please…” Lexa whispered into her skin. The pleading, it was too much for Raven to process. Her mind was fuzzy too. 

Raven nuzzled her nose into Lexa’s cheek, then slowly, softly against Lexa’s nose. Lexa’s face inched forward and her lips touched the corner of Raven’s lips, Raven felt a sharp intake of breath and she couldn’t tell if it was hers or Lexa's. It didn't matter. The feeling was mutual. 

“Don’t leave…” Lexa whispered at the corner of her lips.

And then before they knew what was happening, their lips connected, slowly, hesitantly, Lexa was the first to part her lips, and Raven let their lips brush against one another. She could tell their breathing was labored, shallow, they were being so careful. 

Then she felt Lexa’s hand reach higher up on her back, in an effort to hold her close, so Raven let her hand come up to find Lexa’s face and hold her gently as she continued to move her lips with Lexa’s. What started so slowly and hesitantly slowly got more sure of itself. 

Lexa’s arm tugged Raven to lean over her, her hand caressed her back, moving soothingly up and down her spine, while her other hand found the back of Raven's neck, holding her ever so gently. 

“Raven…” Lexa whispered between kisses, it wasn’t protest, it was encouragement, that much Raven knew from her tone. 

“Shhhh…” Raven responded and continued to kiss her. If eithe rof them tried to talk or explain right now, this whole moment would go south. 

Lexa turned them over, and Raven was flat on the bed now, with Lexa hovering over her. Lexa’s lips left Raven’s only to kiss along her jaw and then down her neck, eliciting a soft breathy moan from Raven which seemed to encourage Lexa on further

Lexa kissed and sucked over Raven’s pulse point, causing Raven’s breath to quicken. 

“Oh Lexa…” Raven whispered into the dark room, she felt Lexa’s warm mouth disconnect from her neck then and it was back on her lips. Kissing her, taking her breath away. Raven let her hands move along Lexa’s hair, her back, all meant to encourage, to comfort, to let it be known without explicitly saying out loud, ‘I don’t want you to stop.’ 

They were making-out alright, hot, and fast, and drunk. And from the sounds in the room, it was clear they were comfortable doing this. 

  
Raven was at a coffee shop texting Octavia. She’d woken up at 7 am to an unforgiving headache and memories of things that happened last night playing out in her head in high-definition. 

And it wasn’t just what she could visually remember, but the memory of everything she felt while she made out with her late best friend’s wife. Plain pleasure. 

She had looked at sleeping Lexa, sleeping, peaceful, not a worry in the world Lexa. And her headache almost went away. But she couldn't help but over-think it now. What they did last night, was that forgivable? They couldn't take that back. They were drunk alright but neither that drunk to have not been able to stop it, or to have not been in the right mind to realize they may regret it. 

The Raven wondered if she regretted it. But quickly chased that thought away. Of course she regretted it. She had to regret it. 'REGRET IT, RAVEN!' she internally scolded herself. 

Octavia replied then “Hi, good morning, it’s early, everything okay?” 

“Yea, everything’s alright, you have any plans for the day? Just wanted to go shopping or something?” Raven texted. 

“Yea sure, umm, Lexa’s coming too?” 

“No, I think she’ll want to be alone for a bit, we’re anyway going to Abby's house tonight.” 

“Okay yea, sure. Umm, should I come pick you up?” 

“I’m actually out already, I’ll come over in half an hour” Raven texted back. 

  
When Lexa woke up, it didn’t take her long to realize Raven wasn’t in bed with her. It was 9 am. And the bed beside her was cold. Lexa checked her phone to find a text from Raven. 

“Lexa, I needed some space to think. I hope you’re alright. I’m going to spend the day with O, but if you need me, please call. I’m not going to stay unavailable to you just because of what happened last night. I haven’t quite wrapped my head around it yet, and I’m really confused about what to make of it.”

Lexa quickly typed back 

“Raven, it’s okay. Ummm we should talk about it. But later. Whenever. Uhhh, I understand you need some space. I think it’ll do me some good too. And yea, call if you need or want to talk to me about anything, or even about… last night… yea.” Lexa sent. 

“I’ll see you this evening at Abby’s?” Raven texted back. 

“That’s tonight! I forgot. Okay yes. I’ll see you there. And then we’ll talk okay?” 

“Okay” came Raven’s reply. 

  
Lexa spent the day in her and Clarke’s bedroom. First she opened Clarke’s bedside drawer and went through the stuff there. There was her collection of essential oils, her sleep mask for days when she couldn’t bring herself to wind down and sex would just keep her wanting more and staying up later than she should. 

Lexa smiled to herself even as the tears came. Clarke kept a box of tissues in her drawer, some vapor rub for when either of them had the flu or a blocked nose. The current book she was reading ‘Teaching Empathy’ was there in her drawer, the bookmark almost 70% in, there was a little trinket tray in the drawer, with some pairs of earrings and some of her finger rings, her hand lotion, her lip balm, a flashlight, Lexa always teased her about that saying she didn’t need to keep that there, they always had their phones on them,

Clarke argued that when the electricity gives up out of the blue one day, and their phone batteries aren’t charged enough, then she’d thank her. 

Lexa laughed through the tears thinking about how Clarke always had an explanation. There was cough syrup and a couple of strips of pills for common issues like a headache or something. 

Lexa reached back and took Clarke's pillow in her arms and hugged it, she buried her face into it and cried. 

Clarke was always the better one of the two of them. She was always the one taking care of them. She was the perfect wife. And Lexa? Lexa felt like she was just not worthy of that love.

More so now after how she’d handled things last night. 

She didn’t want to feel that way about Raven. They hadn’t meant for the night to turn out that way right. They got carried away in the comfort. In the feeling ‘good’. It felt like for those few moments while they kissed one another, there could be nothing bad in the world. 

Except. There was. Lexa was married. Lexa’s wife had died. And Lexa shouldn't have kissed Raven. Even if it calmed every cell in her body and made her feel like she would survive the loss of her wife, her soulmate, like she would make it through the loss and she would feel okay again. It gave her some hope that she could find happiness even in all the pain. 

But even thinking about it now, made her feel guilty and she couldn’t imagine the guilt she’d caused Raven now too. 

“Clarke, I can't do this without you… I really can’t… I’m fuckin it up. I could never do anything right without you… I can’t even grieve for you right… no one prepared me for this, no one told me I’d be losing you so soon, so early, so… WRONG! This is so wrong, Clarke! Why did you leave me?! I can’t do this, please come back, talk to me... I need you...” Lexa whispered between sobs into the pillow that was slowly losing the scent of Clarke.

Of course she’d noticed. She didn’t want it to go. She wanted to be able to feel Clarke here. But alas this was bound to happen. Slowly this room would be void of everything Clarke and Lexa was not ready for that level of ‘alone’. 

  
Raven and Octavia had spent most of the noon picking out random outfits at the mall. They didn’t go all out like they usually do, but a couple of new trousers and shirts, Octavia wanted to pick out some new lingerie too. Raven wasn’t too amused with anything in particular, so she picked up a couple of simple shirts for herself. She spotted a pair of sneakers that she knew were totally something Lexa would wear. And from all the shopping trips she’d ever done with Clarke, she knew Lexa’s shoe size too. So without too much thought, she decided to just get them for her. 

They were currently sitting in the food court with their meals from McDonald's in front of them and Octavia was asking her how things were going, how Lexa was coping, how she was coping, and Raven filled her in on how beautiful the memorial was, how Lexa finally called Anya up and spoke to her for about a good 20 minutes, she told her Lexa wasn’t ready to sleep in her own room yet and that was fine.

Raven decided to leave out the details like 'Oh we’ve been cuddling to sleep cause she can’t sleep otherwise' and 'I’ve been having nightmares where I keep losing Clarke', or 'Oh Lexa had a panic attack that was cured with a couple of kisses from me', or 'Oh we had a full-blown drunken make-out session last night’.  
  
No those were not details she was ready to talk about until she had processed or understood them herself. 

“We’re going to Abby’s tonight for dinner, she said she wants to discuss an idea she had, to honour Clarke’s memory.” Raven told Octavia. 

“That’s great. I keep going through my old text conversations with her, Rae, I miss her too” 

“Me too, what was the last conversation you’ll had?” Raven asked.

Octavia laughed “It was about my period. It’s so fuckin dumb. What about you?”

Raven pulled out her phone, opened up Clarke’s chat and showed it to Octavia. Octavia stared at the message. Then looked up sadly at Raven, and Raven shrugged. 

“Oh Raven…” Octavia said, reaching out to place a comforting hand on Raven’s hand. 

“Lexa’s my responsibility, O. Clarke would have wanted it, even though she didn’t intend that message to be about it, and I myself feel this need within me to protect her, to take care of her, to make sure she doesn’t hurt more than she absolutely needs to.” 

“You can’t shield her from every pain there is, Rae. Loss is a part of life.” Octavia explained. 

“I know, but if I can make it easier on her, easier to bear for both of us, then I want to do that.” Raven said. 

“I know you will. I’m sure you already are.” Octavia said with an encouraging smile that Raven suddenly felt she didn’t deserve. 

Could she really term what they did last night as taking care of her best friend’s wife in the right sense? She felt sick to her stomach. 


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Lexa was late. And she hated herself for it. After she had her breakdown in the bedroom, she came downstairs and pulled out some of those comfort snacks Raven had brought her the earlier week and binged on those for a bit. Then she checked her phone to see if Raven had texted. Then she sat for 15 minutes wondering if she should check on Raven. Eventually, she laid down on the couch and fell asleep. 

And now it was 7.30 pm and she was just leaving her place. She was supposed to be at Abby’s place at 7.30 pm. 

There was a text from Raven. “Hey, I’ve reached Abby’s. You’re coming over right?” 

“Yes, I'm so sorry, I slept and forgot to set an alarm. I’ll be there soon.” Lexa replied quickly and then drove. 

Lexa kept her phone on the passenger seat and drove as fast as she could. She wanted neither Abby nor Raven worrying about her or wondering why she’d overslept. They were both always so worried about her and she really just wanted to show them she was doing better. 

When she reached and parked in the driveway, she picked her phone and realized Raven had replied soon after her last message. 

“No problem, drive safely. Looking forward to seeing you. I hope your day was okay, Lexa. ” 

Lexa felt like a weight had been taken off her shoulder. There was something comforting about Raven’s message. It gave Lexa the idea that maybe this needn’t have to be awkward. 

“I’m here. Be in in 2.” She replied to Raven’s text, keeping it crisp and to the point. 

  
When Lexa knocked and Abby greeted her at the door with a warm hug, she couldn’t help but try to catch a quick glimpse beyond to see if she could spot Raven before Raven came up to her. 

But she saw Kane come up to her instead at the doorway. She greeted him too with a hug and then Abby spoke, “You overslept?” 

“Yea, I’m so sorry, I decided to go through some of Clarke’s drawers this morning and just… it turned out to be more emotionally draining than anything.” she informed Abby as she followed her into the living room. 

“I do understand, honey. But you could have waited for a day when Raven was around too, I’m sure it would have been more comforting a task to accomplish if you had a friend near.” 

At that moment, Lexa entered the room and spotted Raven on the couch, staring at her phone. 

“Raven, hi”, Lexa said. 

Raven looked up for a second and waved hi, but then averted her gaze to Abby. 

“What’s that you were just saying, mama-Griffin?”, she asked.

Lexa felt a dread pool in her stomach. Was Raven avoiding looking at her? 

“Oh Lexa just told me she was clearing up some of Clarke’s things today, I suggested she wait to do such tasks until you’re around… I’m sure you two can offer one another some support.” 

“Yea. Yea, Lexa. I mean, I'll be there, the next time…” Raven assured, again with a warm smile, looking at Lexa, but still, not letting her eyes meet hers. 

“Well, you’re all here now, why don’t we get dinner, come on.” Abby said, placing her hand on Lexa’s and leading them towards the dining table. 

Lexa helped Abby bring the dishes to the table and Kane and Raven sat themselves down, both of them talking about a project Kane's company was currently working on. 

Abby finally sat down beside Kane, leaving the chair beside Raven vacant for Lexa. 

Lexa sat down, and as if it were magic, the scent of Raven near her made her feel a little more relaxed.

Abby was asking Kane something about the dressing he used in the salad, so Lexa quickly pulled up her phone and texted Raven, even though she was sitting right next to her, 

“Raven, are you mad at me?” Lexa wrote   
  
Raven’s phone lit up before her and she saw on the lock screen, a text from Lexa. She looked at Lexa for a second and then picked her phone up and replied. 

“WHAT?! No. I’m not mad at you. I don’t think I can be. I thought you’re upset with me, after reading your last text. it seemed...cold.” 

Raven could see from the side of her eye, as Lexa read the text, she visibly relaxed. Yet, her free hand resting on her lap was trembling. Raven reached out and held it, soothingly, she rubbed circles into Lexa’s skin with her thumb, and with her free hand she quickly wrote back. 

“I’m sorry I wasn't with you today, we’ll go home and talk okay? And I got you something you might like. :) ”

Raven sent it, and then watched Lexa read it. Now Lexa was completely at ease and it showed. Lexa looked towards Raven and Raven was looking at her now with a warm smile, and her hand on hers squeezed gently. They’ll be okay, Lexa thought to herself. 

Dinner was amazing Abby was always a great cook, and Lexa was grateful that Clarke picked that up from her mom too. Clarke was the more amazing cook from all three of them at home. Second would have to be Raven. Lexa had learned to cook only when Anya had decided to go to Canada and she needed to make sure she could live on her own. 

They talked about the memorial, Abby asked Lexa what she wanted to do about Clarke’s belongings, and Lexa seemed to have made up her mind about giving the useable clothes and shoes to a charity, of course, she was going to keep some of them, she wouldn’t be able to just let go of all of them like that. 

“I’m sure. And I do know Raven, that Clarke and you would borrow and lend some of your clothes, so please see if there’s anything you’d like to keep.” Abby suggested. 

“Oh no, I couldn’t. It would just seem weird for me...” Raven said. 

“There was that dress I remember Clarke insisted you wear once, was it to my birthday last year..? I can’t recall” Abby said. 

“It was for my birthday, last year,” Lexa said. 

“Yes. You looked stunning in it, Raven. I think Clarke would at least want you to have that dress.” Abby said, reaching out to grasp Raven’s hand softly. 

“I don’t know Abby…” Raven began.

“I agree. We should keep that one. For you. Clarke always said it looked better on you.” Lexa said, looking at Raven with a warm smile. 

Raven finally shrugged and said “Alright, alright, but we can see about this later, when we actually are going through everything” 

They were just done with dinner, and Kane brought out dessert.

“So, let me tell you about what I had in mind, Lexa” 

Lexa took a bite of her apple pie and nodded. 

“I was thinking of starting a scholarship at the school in her name” Abby said.

“Abby, that sounds wonderful,” Lexa said .

“Yes, I know how much the school meant to Clarke, and I know how she always rooted for her students. I just want for them to always have that encouragement, that backing from Clarke, even if she isn’t going to be around anymore” 

“I think it’s perfect!” Lexa said. 

“That’s wonderful, I’m going to call their principal tomorrow and set up a meeting with her.” Abby said with a proud smile and reached out to hold Kane’s hand. 

“I would like to fund it too, Abby. If that’s okay with you. We could increase the budget that way, offer a larger scholarship that covers more for the student elected, or even cover more students if possible.” Lexa suggested, and Abby beamed with pride. 

“Clarke would be proud of you, Lexa.” Abby assured, with tears in her eyes. 

“If you two don’t mind, I’d like to contribute to it too.” Raven said. No one expected Raven to want to be a part of this, but when they thought about it now, they understood. She was as much a part of this as anyone here. 

“Beautiful! Clarke would be proud of both of you, I hope you’ll know that.” Abby said and then got up excitedly, I hope you’ll have room for some more dessert, I’m not letting that apple pie go to waste. 

They laughed, but both Raven and Lexa hung on to what Abby said last. Would Clarke really be proud of them?   
  


  
If Abby noticed the way their hands grazed against one another’s while walking to the car, she decided not to think much of it. They said their goodbyes and were finally in the car now, to go back home. 

“We should talk… about...last night.” said Raven, softly. 

Lexa nodded, while keeping her eyes on the road. But the rest of the drive was quiet and comfortable, both of them just glad to be in one another's presence right now, knowing the other wasn’t upset about the events of last night, but it was still something they wanted to understand. 

When they got home, they went about their routine, freshening up, changing into sleepwear and finally as they settled into their sofa-bed, they sat back against their pillows along the backrest.

“I really liked Abby’s idea. I think it’s a great way to honour Clarke” Raven said first. 

Lexa nodded “yes, it is. It’s what she would have wanted to be remembered for in that school, she was always going the extra mile to bring those kids up academically” 

They allowed the silence between them before they knew one of them would bring up the elephant in the room. 

It was Raven.  
“I don’t want you to get me wrong, I don’t exactly regret what happened last night, but I did waking up feeling like I was doing something wrong.” 

“Yea, me too” Lexa said.

“And I don't know how to explain that I don't regret it. I mean, it was just kissing right? And we didn’t plan on it, plus we were drunk and really light headed…” said Raven.

“Also, I don’t know if you see it this way, but it was comforting… it felt good for those few moments… right?” Lexa said. 

“Right” Raven agreed. 

They stayed silent again for a few moments. 

“To anyone on the outside, it would be wrong,” Raven said. 

“Is it wrong to you?” Lexa asked. 

“When I think about Clarke…” Raven began and Lexa already knew what she was going to say, she agreed. Even though that kiss had felt like the most comforting thing to share with Raven, in the larger scheme of things, it was wrong. Even disrespectful to her beloved wife. 

But it was the only feeling Lexa had since it happened that seemed to numb the pain entirely. And she swore, that could get addictive. Cause every moment that wasn’t that moment, ached. Her chest raged with pain, like she was missing a part of her.   
  
And kissing Raven last night somehow made it feel like she wasn’t hollow on the inside anymore. She wondered if Raven felt the same.  
From the way Raven was looking at her now though, it looked like she understood. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just as conflicted as they are!   
> Let me know your thoughts in a comment?


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your kind comments :) I read all of them and feel so happy.   
> Here's a new update. I'd suggest going back to the previous chapter and reading a little bit of the end cause the scene continues into this chapter.   
> Enjoy!

Chapter 19

“Listen, I know that it feels wrong when you look at it from the outside, but if this sort of physical intimacy makes any of this easier for you, we can keep it between us. No one else has to know how you manage your grief. No one knows what you go through day in and day out without her” 

“What about you? What do you feel about it?” 

“I wouldn’t judge you for wanting to feel something other than pain. To be honest, it was comforting for me too, I felt… safe.” Raven said, shyly looking away. 

Lexa’s hand reached across to hold hers. 

“I felt safe too. Like I wasn’t dying from despair” Lexa said. 

Raven reached up and cupped her face gently, so very lovingly. 

“Lexa, I would do anything to help you through this, and I know you would for me too, but if at any point you think all of this is crazy, that we’re doing it all wrong, I want you to tell me, I won’t argue and I won’t push, I’ll give you all the space you need” 

“God! Raven, you care for me so much.” Lexa said it with pain written all over her features, like she felt she was undeserving of any kind of love. 

“Clarke and you are my best friends, Lexa. I’ve lost one of you. I don’t wanna lose what I have left” Raven said. 

“I know, that’s why I want to try and come back to myself. Because I may have lost the love of my life, but I can’t afford to lose the last trace of her on this earth. Both of you were such an influential part of one another’s lives." 

“Same goes for you. It’s like you’re all I have left of Clarke” Raven said. 

“Except, you never kissed Clarke.” Lexa joked, a teasing smile coming upon her face. 

“You don’t know that.” Raven said with a wink and then laid down pulling the cover over her. 

“WHAT?! No. Clarke would have told me!” Lexa stated loudly, trying to uncover a hiding Raven. 

“Please! There are a lot of secrets between best friends that never make it to the wifey.” Raven said from under the covers. 

“Like what?” Lexa was curious now. 

“Like all of her tricks to get you to have sex with her when you weren’t in the mood.” Raven said. 

“There could have never been a day when I was not in the mood to have sex with Clarke.” 

“There were days when you'd come home too tired from work...” Raven said. 

Lexa gave it some thought “UGH! I can’t believe it!” Lexa exclaimed. 

Raven laughed heartily at that one. And Lexa laughed eventually too. 

“Come on, get some sleep” Raven finally told her, signaling to her to lay down. 

Lexa looked around and then back at Raven and said, “Rae, if it’s okay with you, I think I’m going to try and sleep in my bed tonight.” 

Raven raised herself up partially on her side, leaning on her elbow. 

“Are you sure?” she asked Lexa. 

“No. but I want to try,” Lexa said. 

“Okay” Raven said. 

Lexa got up from the bed and said “Goodnight Rae.” 

“Lexa, if this is about last night… I hope you know I’m not gonna try and kiss you or something… it was the moment.” 

Lexa chuckled “There goes my chances of asking for a goodnight kiss right here.” Lexa said pointing to her forehead. 

They both chuckled at that. 

“No, I believe you Raven. But I think I need to get used to sleeping in that space again. I need to try.” 

“Okay, if you need anything at all, call.” Raven told her. 

“You too. If you need me here, I'll stay” Lexa said. Because she’d made the decision herself, it didn’t allow Raven any space to decide if she was going to be okay. What if Raven was not okay sleeping alone. 

“I think it would be a good opportunity for me to try it too,” Raven said. 

Lexa nodded. “Goodnight Lex,” Raven said. 

  
It was 3.15 am and Lexa laid awake staring at the ceiling. Her body was still trembling. She’d been crying. She thought she could do this, she really thought she’d be fine, it’s been a little over 2 weeks now, but she knew in this moment it was a lost cause. Her head ached, her heart ached, every time she closed her eyes she’d picture Clarke and then open her eyes to be reminded she was gone. Forever. It hurt. So fuckin' bad. So she sat up. And dropped her face in her hands. 

She thought about going back downstairs. Surely Raven wouldn't judge. But she felt horrible. She felt embarrassed. She couldn’t even sleep in her own bed, she couldn’t manage even one night without needing Raven’s comforting aura. 

So she threw her legs over the edge of the bed and got up. She walked out of the bedroom and towards the staircase wondering in her mind if she would be disturbing Raven trying to get into bed. 

But just as she took two steps down, she saw Raven step up right in front of her, she almost gasped from surprise but then, even in the dark, and the dim light from the wall, in her eyes she saw tears. 

“Raven?” Lexa said, her arms reaching out to cup her face lovingly. 

“Lexa… I… I had a nightmare again…” 

“Oh Rae…” Lexa expressed with empathy as she pulled Raven in for a hug and Raven cried into her shoulder. 

“I was just coming down to sleep beside you, I couldn’t do it... I couldn’t sleep there…May I… join you?” Lexa asked carefully. 

“You know you don’t have to ask.” Raven said, pulling away and looking into Lexa’s eyes. 

Lexa took Raven’s hand and led her back downstairs, and to bed. Once they were under the covers, they scooted closer to one another, put an arm upon the other's waist, both on their sides, but facing one another. 

“Tell me what you saw?” Lexa asked Raven.

“It was new.” Raven said “It was about you.” 

Lexa’s eyebrow creased, she hated that Raven had a nightmare about her, 

“What was it?” Lexa asked. 

Raven brought her hand up to massage the crease in Lexa’s forehead gently, until her features were more at ease again.

“You ended your own life… you couldn't handle the grief...” Raven said softly, breaking into tears again. 

“Oh Raven..” Lexa said gently, trying to shift closer to her, her arm winding tighter around her. 

“Promise me you’ll fight it, all of the dark thoughts, all of the helplessness, bad dreams, that you’ll think about what you have left even when all that haunts your mind is what we’ve lost” Raven said with her eyes closed. 

“You have my word, I won’t give up. I won’t intentionally leave you, Raven, I care too much. Clarke would want me to look out for you.”

Raven opened her eyes to look at Lexa’s, there was so much pain yet sincerity there. She wondered if she should tell her about the text message she last received from Clarke, how that’s been something she’s been holding on to so tight, that if anything were to happen to Lexa, she would deem it her fault, she would be responsible, she would have let Clarke down. But she stayed silent. 

Raven nodded slowly. 

“I care too much about you too.” Raven said and brought their foreheads together, both of them reveling in the silence of the night, they were so close they could hear the other breathing, felt the others soft puffs of air.

There was an electricity between them, some sort of magnetic pull, something they found they were powerless to resist and couldn’t bring themselves to explain. Raven could have sworn both their hearts were racing with the feeling of being this close, this warm, this ‘one’. 

“What are we doing, Lexa?” Raven asked. 

“I don’t know…” Lexa answered on an exhale helplessly “I don’t know” she sounded pained... Raven’s hand moved up her back, slowly and Lexa’s hand did the same against hers.

“I’m going to kiss you.” Lexa said to Raven, so unsure, so softly, so close to her lips. 

“I’m going to kiss you back.” Raven said so close to her lips that she could have sworn their lips were already touching. 

Their lips connected and they knew this time, there was no alcohol, no excuse, this was them seeking out comfort of another level, this physical affection that made them forget their pain even if for a little while, felt selfish and wrong and disrespectful on so many levels, but in that moment, it felt like nothing could touch them, nothing could break their bubble of comfort, nothing could harm them, no pain could hurt them, no loss could devour them. 

Lexa leaned in over Raven, and her tongue sought entrance into her mouth, Raven moaned at the change in angle and pace, she let her hands wander along Lexa’s back and shoulders and neck and stroke her hair, and caress her face. 

And when they awoke the next morning they didn’t talk about how they fell asleep making out. They went about their day as expected, keeping their routine. 

And the next night when Lexa kissed down her neck, she whispered Lexa’s name into the night, her moans of pleasure softly filling the room. They woke the next day and didn’t talk about it. 

Another night a few days later, when Raven’s t-shirt rode higher on her waist and Lexa’s hand brushed against her warm skin by mistake, Raven kept her hand over Lexa's to hold it there, allowing her to feel the warmth of her skin as they kissed and they never talked about it. 

One night when Raven lips moved along the column of Lexa’s neck, and down to her collar bone, Lexa's hand found the tie that was holding Raven’s braid together and pulled it off, letting her fingers move through Raven’s hair freely as she guided her lips along her skin. Raven woke up the next day with bed hair and Lexa, with a reddish mark on her collarbone.   
  
But they didn’t talk about it. 

Another night a couple of days later, as they kissed passionately into the night, Lexa’s knee shifted between Raven’s legs, and a slight graze between her legs had Raven whimpering. But they didn’t explore further, losing themselves in the kiss alone. They woke up with their legs entangled and bodies aligned as one, and didn’t talk about it. 

One morning Raven was awoken at around 5 am to a wandering hand on her stomach under her t-shirt, She knew that touch now. She knew Lexa’s hands. And she could feel her deep breaths at the back of her head. She felt enveloped by Lexa’s warmth, her scent, her lov… No. That's not the word for it. Right? 

“Lex…” Raven reached under her shirt to place her hand over Lexa’s on her skin nearing her ribcage. And it surprised even her when instead of stopping her she guided her hand slowly upwards. 

“Rae… I don’t want to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.” Lexa whispered into the back of her neck, even as her hand now grazed over Raven’s ribcage. 

“I know… you can touch me if you like… I think... I think I’d like it too.” Raven said softly, carefully. 

Lexa softly kissed Raven’s neck, leaving butterfly kisses along the column of her neck, Raven closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling, her body erupting with goosebumps, a feeling between her legs that she did not want to acknowledge.

When Lexa’s hand found Raven’s breast, she kept her lips connected to Raven’s pulse point, and she could feel the thrum of Raven’s pulse under her lips…

She softly squeezed and Raven shivered. “Lex…” 

She stopped, afraid Raven was uncomfortable and let go of her completely. 


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

“No.. don’t stop” Raven said, guiding Lexa’s hand up again, and turning her head a bit to face Lexa now. Lexa’s eyes were dark, she could tell even in the soft glow of the night. Lexa was looking into her eyes, she then looked towards where her hand was under Raven’s shirt. 

“You feel… extraordinary…” Lexa said softly. 

Raven brought her face closer and they kissed passionately, wildly, as her ministrations on Raven’s breast grew more confident, every caress, every touch, every squeeze causing a new sound to leave her lips, a gasp here, a whimper there, a breathy sigh between kisses…

“Oh!” Raven gasped, hiding her face in the crook of Lexa’s neck, and with the next fondle of her breast, her teeth lightly caught onto the skin on Lexa’s shoulder, biting softly, only to stop herself from moaning all too loudly. 

“May I take it off?” Lexa asked into her skin. And in seconds, Raven’s t-shirt was off, leaving her bare before Lexa. But Lexa wasn’t looking at her newly bared skin yet, her eyes were fixed on Raven’s. 

“You’re gorgeous,” Lexa said. 

“You’re not even looking.” Raven said shyly, with a chuckle. 

“I don’t need to, I just know.” Lexa said, positioning herself above Raven, such that her knee found home between Raven’s legs. 

Lexa’s warm mouth found Raven’s nipple and she softly sucked, kissed, nibbled, while Raven writhed in pleasure under her. Raven was suddenly grateful for Lexa’s leg between hers, even though they had the rest of their clothes on, the friction was doing her some good.

“You feel so good” Lexa whispered as she dug her thigh closer into the ‘V' of Raven’s shorts, her breath against Raven’s nipple causing her to shiver. 

“Lexa!” Raven moaned loudly, her hips jerking upwards for more. 

Lexa put her lips to use again, while her other hand fondled Raven’s other breast. They touched and caressed and somehow kept themselves from going too far without needing to call it out. But fell back asleep eventually wrapped in one another’s arms, knowing once more, they would not be talking about this, come daylight.   
  


This morning, when Raven was showering, knowing Lexa was out there making them pancakes for breakfast, she touched the little reddish marks around her nipples and examined them in the mirror. She felt her cheeks burning as her skin flushed under the hot water. She closed her eyes, recalling the events of the night. They would go so far, come so close to… that. But they’d never cross that line. It was like an unspoken agreement that they’d touch one another, kiss and caress, but never get between one another’s legs. No. That would be all too much. That was something neither would know how to explain even to themselves, let alone the other. 

But this was causing Raven a lot of unease. She was always so close, but never finishing. She couldn’t. 

She thought about maybe touching herself right now, getting off on her own fingers here in the shower, she’d done it before, it wasn’t going to be a new experience for her, except, this would be the first time she was going to be picturing Lexa through it. 

She could picture it now too, the way Lexa’s lips moved on her breasts, that perfect grip of her hand on her breasts, the way she applied just the right amount of pressure between her legs with her thigh sometimes to cause Raven to whimper in need but never stay long enough there. 

She thought about if Lexa was as riled up as she was. It’s like in the effort to be one another’s escape, one another’s comfort, they were sexually frustrating themselves further. Raven closed her eyes, and let her hands move across her breasts the way she used to when she needed release. 

She let one hand slide down her body along with the many drops of water from the shower, trickling down her heated skin, she let her hand slip between her legs, she closed her eyes, and involuntarily she found herself already whispering Lexa’s name. 

“Raven?!” came Lexa’s voice and Raven startled and straightened up, her hands coming up to cover herself even though she knew she was within the shower cubicle and Lexa was outside, she obviously couldn’t see her, nor would have heard her. 

“Yea?” Raven replied 

“Umm, breakfast was getting cold… thought I’d come tell you to hurry.” Lexa said. 

“Yes, I'm done. I’ll be out in 2,” Raven said. 

“Cool. Also, umm, your phone was ringing” Lexa said. 

“Oh, who was it?” Raven asked, pulling her towel from the hook and wiping along her body. 

“Luna” 

Raven’s eyes widened “Oh. That’s odd. Alright I’ll come out and check, thanks.” Raven said. 

“Yea” Lexa said and then she was gone. 

Raven exhaled a breath she didn’t know she had been holding. 

She would just have to get back to her ministrations later, maybe if Lexa left the house at any point today, she could have her chance. But now she had something else on her mind. Why was her ex calling her up after 2 years?  


Lexa plated a stack of pancakes for Raven and poured over some maple syrup. 

“Thanks,” Raven said with a smile as she sat on the opposite side of the counter. She was lightly drying her hair with a towel and so kept it aside on the barstool just next to her and took a bite. 

“Mmmmmm” she moaned with her eyes closed when she allowed herself to enjoy that first bite, “so good!” she said, digging in for another bite, and when she looked up at Lexa, she could have sworn Lexa’s eyes were darker. And she knew it was that little moan of appreciation. 

Raven raised her eyebrow at Lexa in question. 

“Nothing,” Lexa said and turned to go get them coffee. 

Raven smiled to herself then picked her phone and rang up Luna. 

“Hi Luna” Raven said into her phone 

Lexa, who was at the coffee machine, was facing away but still curious about why Raven’s ex was calling. She didn’t know much about the details of their break-up, but Clarke did, and Clarke was adamant about them cutting off contact when the break-up was all too fresh. Lexa thought maybe they were both finally in talking terms again and maybe that’s why Luna called. 

“Yes, it’s been a rough few weeks, thank you.” Raven said to Luna. Lexa assumed she’d heard about Clarke and was offering her condolences. 

“I agree, it has been a long time.” Raven said. And Lexa suddenly felt an odd feeling in her stomach. 

“Oh wow, how long?”   
“That’s great, we should catch up.” said Raven. 

That odd feeling in her stomach was getting worse. What was happening?

“Actually, since you’re in town, why don’t you come over for lunch?” Raven said to Luna. 

Lexa stilled. She knew Raven could invite whomever she wanted to. That’s how it had always been between them. Lexa and Clarke never got in the way of Raven’s affairs and Raven never questioned any of theirs. This home of theirs was equally shared. So if Raven wanted to invite an ex over, that shouldn't be a problem right? Right? 

“Alright awesome, I’ll text you the address.”   
“Yea, me too, bye”

Raven ended the call and stared at her phone for a second doing nothing. Wow. she just had a civil conversation with an ex. Clarke would be proud of how far she’s come, she thought. 

Lexa returned with 2 mugs of coffee in hand and said, “So… should I make myself scarce during lunchtime?” Lexa said with a half teasing smile, half frown, Raven couldn't tell. 

“What?! No. She’s in town for a couple of days and she heard about Clarke, she called to offer her condolences. Said she would love to come see us.” 

“Us, or just you?,” Lex asked, sipping from her coffee. 

“Us. Lexa, Luna and I were over a long time ago. Infact I think this was the first time in a long time that we spoke.” 

Lexa nodded and looked down at her coffee. 

“Hey, Lexa, are you okay?” Raven asked 

“Yea yea, no, I’m fine.” Lexa stated, still not making eye contact with her. 

“Did I do something wrong by inviting her over?” Raven asked, so unsure now, that she could see the tense features on Lexa’s face. 

“Of course not, you can have whoever you want over Rae, you know that, this is your home too,” Lexa said. 

Raven got up from her seat, came around the corner and took hold of Lexa’s shoulders, turning her to face her. 

“Are you… Lexa, are you jealous?” Raven asked carefully. 

“What?! No. Why would I be jealous?” Lexa said nonchalantly. 

Raven didn’t say anything. 

“I just don’t want you to get hurt.” Lexa said softly, and finally brought her eyes up to gaze into Raven’s worried ones. And then, she didn’t know what made her do it, but she leaned in, slowly, waiting to see Raven’s reaction. 

Raven took a deep breath and then leaned in too, and their lips met. 

Lexa tasted of coffee and a taste that was ever so uniquely Lexa. And Raven found she was getting so addicted to kissing Lexa. Usually she looked forward to the night, when they would be wrapped up in each others arms, but today, for the first time, Lexa was kissing her in broad daylight, and it felt perfect. 

“Mmm” Raven moaned into the kiss, letting her hands caress Lexa’s face gently. 

“You taste of maple syrup.” Lexa said with a smile against Raven’s lips. 

“That was your doing.” Raven said and continued to kiss Lexa, Lexa softly pushed her back so she was leaning back against the counter, she wound her arms around Raven and her lips then continued down Raven’s neck.

“Lexa…” Raven said breathlessly, her eyes closed of their own accord. 

“Hmmm?” Lexa humed into her skin as she kissed down her neck. 

“It’s early” Raven managed to say and Lexa laughed into her skin then pulled away and said “You’re right” 

“Tonight?” Raven asked, not knowing exactly what she was asking, but in some twisted way, it seems like Lexa knew, cause she bit her lip and nodded. 

Raven shifted from between Lexa and the counter and moved to go back to the other side of the counter, needing to put some space between them again, she had just taken a bath and her underwear already felt soaked. She needed to get off soon. 

On her way around the counter though she dropped a napkin that was at the edge and bent to pick it up, when she stood back up she could have sworn she felt Lexa’s gaze burning on her, she quickly turned to catch Lexa quickly averting her gaze from her ass. 

“Ahem” Raven said, taking her seat again on the other side. 

“Sorry,” Lexa said, embarrassed. 

“Nothing to be embarrassed about, I think we’ve both established we’re physically attracted to one another.” Raven said. 

Lexa thought about that. Yea it was true. That was one way to put it. To explain it. They were drawn to one another initially for the comfort, for the escape from the pain, and now it was that and probably also physical attraction. 

Raven got some maple syrup on her thumb while eating and sucked it clean, very nonchalantly, and Lexa found she held her breath when she watched Raven put her finger in her mouth. 

Okay not ‘probably’, definitely attraction, she thought. 


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

That afternoon, when Luna arrived, Raven was actually quite pleased to see her again. When they hugged it felt normal, Luna seemed calmer, happier, she stood up taller, more confident, her hair was tied in a braid and she looked good. 

“It’s been so long.” Luna said as she embraced Raven, warmly. 

“Yea, how have you been? How’s DC?” Raven asked. 

“I’m well, I’m okay… DC’s good. The job’s good. I’m so sorry to hear about Clarke” Luna said, then turning to look at Lexa who was also standing a few feet away.

“I know we ended things on such a sour note, but I think she helped both of us realize how we were tearing one another apart, and I’ll forever be grateful to her for looking out for you that way. I was a mess then and I was hurting you a lot, I see that now.” Luna said, looking back at Raven. 

Raven was tearing up a little, not just because of Luna’s admittance, but how she acknowledged the part Clarke played, Clarke protected Raven. Always. 

“Thank you, Luna.” Raven said and Lexa nodded with a small smile, acknowledging her words too. 

“Come on in, lunch is almost ready.” Lexa said, “make yourself comfortable.” 

Lexa decided to stay in the kitchen for a bit, let Luna and Raven catch up, she told herself. But deep down she knew her reasons were more selfish. Ever since Luna had called this morning, she’d been feeling so overprotective of Raven. Over- possessive even? She couldn’t tell. And she didn’t wanna ask herself the whys of this whole feeling. There was too much to navigate and unpack there and she just couldn’t do that. Not now. 

When lunch was finally ready, she called out to them and they gathered around the counter, served themselves and went back to the living room to eat. 

Luna talked about her new job, the kind of work she’s involved in, the place she’s staying at, she even told Raven about how she started seeing a therapist after they broke up, she was keen on fixing herself so that the next time someone gave her a chance to love and be loved, she wouldn’t screw it up as bad as she did with Raven. 

Raven smiled at that and reached out and squeezed her hand and Lexa had to look away if she wanted to get through this afternoon without doing something she’d highly regret. 

When they were done with lunch, the conversation suddenly took an odd turn.

“Yea, I’m resuming work next week, and I’m really not looking forward to it.” Raven said. 

“You know Rae, you should think about moving up in your career, there are a couple of vacancies I know of in DC, you should try them out.” Luna suggested 

“Yea?” Raven said and even before she could ask further, Lexa spoke “I’m sure Raven knows her capabilities and will take the necessary steps when she’s ready for it,” Lexa said. 

Raven looked at her for a moment and then spoke to Luna “Lexa’s right. But I’ll make sure I get in touch with you if I need anything,” Raven told Luna. 

“Yea, you should. I can help you out with accommodation too, DC’s a real task to find a place to stay that doesn’t eat out of your pocket completely, and until you find the perfect place, I hope you know you’re welcome to stay with me.” Luna said. 

“I think Raven would be smarter than that, moving in with a toxic ex is not anyone’s first option and shouldn’t be.” Lexa said, quite firmly. 

“Lexa!” Raven said scoldingly. The comment was quite unfair, even if Luna had hurt Raven in the past, it didn’t give Lexa a right to hold that against her now, Especially after everything Luna had opened up about to them about how she was putting in the work to heal, she had been so respectful to both for them all throughout this afternoon. 

Luna looked down at the floor. “No, she’s right,” Luna said. 

“No. Luna, you’re putting in the work. I don’t think anyone has the right to hold your past against you. We’ve all been stupid in our younger years. What matters is how we rectify those mistakes.” Raven was looking pointedly at Lexa, hoping she would see things the way she does. 

“I’m sorry, but putting in the work now doesn’t undo all the mistakes of the past. She still hurt you, and she still broke your heart and you cried for months after it was called off. I don't think we can just forget that. I don’t think that kind of pain is forgivable.” Lexa said. 

“LEXA!” Raven snapped. She was shocked at Lexa’s behaviour and tone. Where was this bitterness coming from?

There was silence then in the room, and Lexa got up from her seat and walked into the kitchen, knowing Raven was mad at her, and knowing she was mad at herself too, what had prompted her to act that way, she couldn’t figure it out. She needed to get out of that room and get a hold of herself. 

Luna then stood up. “I should take your leave. I’m sorry, I think I've already overstayed my visit.”

Raven stood up and walked to her then saying “No, I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s gotten into her, had I known she was feeling this strongly about all of this, I would have suggested we meet elsewhere.” 

“No, no. I get it. She’s protective about you. Rightly so, Clarke was that way about you too” Luna said with a warm smile. 

Raven nodded. “True” 

“I’ll see you around Raven, give me a call in case you wanna apply to anywhere new, I could put you in touch with some places.” 

“For sure. Thanks for coming over Luna, it was nice seeing you again” 

“Likewise, thank you for lunch, please tell Lexa I’m sorry if I made things… uncomfortable.” Luna said. They hugged goodbye and Luna left. 

Raven went into the kitchen to find Lexa sipping on a glass of what looked to be whiskey. 

“It’s 3 in the afternoon, Lexa.” she said firmly, walking up to Lexa and taking the glass from her hand and placing it on the counter. 

“I’m a widower, I'm allowed to day-drink.” Lexa said, taking it back. 

“And what’s your excuse for the things you said to Luna?” Raven asked, folding her arms across her chest. 

“Rae, you know nothing I said was untrue” 

“Yes, but it was unnecessary!” Raven stated. 

“She was clearly trying to win you over again!” Lexa said, raising her voice slightly 

“Offering me job opportunities isn’t ‘trying to win me over again’” Raven explained, making air quotes. 

“Nah, you couldn’t see it, it was in the way she was looking at you, with all that hope, like she was sure she could rope you in and when the time was right, have you to herself again.” 

Raven was looking at Lexa incredulously, “Okay, and let's say that’s true, why is that such a problem?” 

Lexa was stumped. She took a step back and then spoke 

“Why is it a problem?! Raven, she hurt you. I know what Clarke had to do to bring you out of that dark space when you broke up, Clarke wouldn't wanna see you hurt again.”

“And what about you, Lexa?”

“What are you asking me?” Lexa said, taking a bigger sip from her glass. 

“I’m asking you to be honest with yourself, is there some other reason your knickers are in a knot about this whole visit? Is there something you’re avoiding admitting to yourself?” Raven asked boldly. 

“I don’t understand what you’re talking about, Raven” Lexa tried to deflect. “I don’t wanna argue, just, let’s have a couple of drinks, make-out on the couch, we just need to calm down, come on…” Lexa said, stepping into Raven’s space and capturing her lips in a heated kiss that lasted for a minute but then Raven pulled back. 

“No, Lexa. We need to talk about this. We’ve been doing this for too long. ” Raven said. 

“Doing what!?” Lexa said, and leaned in again to kiss Raven, wanting to make her stop talking, knowing exactly where this conversation was going and not wanting it to reach there because she was so not ready to talk about it, to face her feelings, to acknowledge them, let alone accept them. 

This time Raven put both her hands on Lexa’s shoulders and pushed back enough to put some space between them. 

“We cuddle, and we don’t talk about it. We started kissing, tongue and everything, and we don’t talk about it, we touch one another so intimately, and we feel things we know we’re not supposed to feel and we don't talk about it!” Raven said. 

“I thought we talked about this, we said it’s not wrong to seek comfort. We said we understand each other's needs.” Lexa said. 

“Is that all it is then? You’re telling me you feel nothing else?” Raven challenged. 

“NOPE! Nothing else. Just pure physical pleasure.” Lexa said. 

“Are you being serious right now?” Raven asked, her tone softer, almost like she could break. 

“Can I make it any more clearer to you?” Lexa said, getting exasperated. 

“Yes, I want you to tell me the truth, what are we doing, Lexa?” 

“WE’RE FUCKING AROUND RAVEN, THAT’S IT, WE BOTH WANT SOMEONE TO HELP US FEEL SOMETHING OTHER THAN PAIN, TO HELP US FORGET THE PAIN, AND SO WE CUDDLE, WE KISS, WE FUCK AROUND. THAT’S WHAT WE ARE. FUCK BUDDIES, THAT’S ALL.” 

With that she downed the remaining of her drink and walked away from the kitchen.

“Where are you going?” Raven asked, and if Lexa heard the choke of a sob in her voice, she chose to hold back her need to comfort Raven right now, she’d done so much damage to their friendship in such little time. 

“I need a walk. I’ll be fine. Don’t wait up for me if I take too long.” Lexa said and with that Raven heard the door slam and it brought her to the floor, where she pulled her knees close and cried. 

Because Lexa may think of her as just a fuck buddy. But Raven? Raven was suddenly admitting to herself that she thinks she got her heart meddled up in a mess. She thinks she was finally being honest to herself in this moment when she thought about how she may be just a fuck buddy to Lexa, but to her, Lexa was beginning to be more. 

She did more than just care for Lexa. Raven Reyes felt like she was in love with her late best friend’s wife. Raven Reyes felt like she had fallen in love with Lexa Woods. Knowing Lexa Woods was obviously and rightly still so in love with wonderful, beautiful Clarke. 

  
Lexa couldn’t breathe until she was out of the building premise and briskly walking down the block.   
She had lied. Straight to Raven’s face. And she saw first hand how it hurt her. And yet she stuck with her resolve.   
Because truth was, and she felt sick to her stomach admitting it even now, she was beginning to feel something for her wife’s best friend. Truth was, she could never tell Raven that.  
Truth was, Raven would judge her, hate her, have 0 regard for her if she knew.   
Because who does that? Who starts to have feelings for their dead wife’s best friend weeks after they’ve died. Lexa felt sick to her stomach, but she couldn’t deny it. 

Raven was a beautiful soul, she’d known that from the first time Clarke introduced them. But now, seeing Raven in this light, her care, her concern, her wanting to be there for Lexa, her always showing up when she needed her, her never leaving even when the grief got tough, Lexa was finding that she was beginning to adore Raven more now than she used to, and being able to hold her at night, kiss her at night, touch her warm skin at night, it was doing things to Lexa, making her want her more. 

And if she could have that, if they could share that without needing to complicate things between them, without needing to say it out loud, that they were doing Clarke wrong, why bring it up? Why force themselves into an end. Because the only way Lexa could see this ending, was Raven leaving. Because who does that to their own wife, dead or alive.

Lexa stopped a few blocks down, she felt sick to her stomach. She wanted to cry. Her chest ached and she needed to stop thinking about how much she cared right now, how she just wanted to go back and wrap Raven in her arms and whisper to her that she didn’t mean to all her a fuck-buddy, Raven was never just a fuck buddy. Raven was so much! But how was she to do that without letting her feelings show. Without exposing her rotten heart. 

She checked her phone. It had been 30 minutes since she left. The sun had set and it was evening. She hailed a cab and asked him to take her to the nearest bar. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's your update :)   
> This got a little angsty, sorry. But there's going to be some of that through this story, I'm sure you would have expected it.   
> Please leave me your thoughts in the comments. Would love to know what it made you feel. 
> 
> Also, I resume work on Monday (I was on leave the last 2 weeks) and I may get slower with the updates. But I hope you guys can hit 'Subscribe' on this story to get notified whenever I do update. I have written till chapter 27 and I publish chapters as and when I've proofread them. 
> 
> Also, any Fletcher stans here? I've been listening to 'Sex with my ex' on repeat! Her album The Sex Tapes is just phenomenal <3 Also, her break up with Shannon completely tore me apart :'(


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the end of the previous chapter and then come back to this. :)   
> Once more, thanks for your kind comments and for sticking with my story. Love you guys.   
> Fair warning, things get hot in this one.

Chapter 22:

“I know you said not to wait up, but it’s late, Lexa, and I don’t know where you are and that worries me, you know it does, please call me when you see this” Raven sent the text and sighed. She was already in bed and she was so worked up. 

It was 11pm and there was no message from Lexa, she wasn’t picking up her calls and she hadn’t told Raven where she was going either. Raven was this close to calling 911 and reporting a missing person. 

She tried to take deep breaths to calm herself down. She closed her eyes and tried to picture the one thing she knew always calmed her down recently. Lexa’s green eyes, Lexa’s soft lips.

But thinking about Lexa’s lips always caused other sensations in her, and she knew how desperate she already was for release, release she knew she couldn’t ask Lexa for. 

So Raven decided to calm her nerves down herself. Lexa was an adult, she could take care of herself wherever she was right now. And Raven needed to believe that. She needed to calm down.

The bed felt empty, and she missed Lexa’s warm presence, she missed her soft breath and her gentle touch, and those nibbles across her skin. 

So as Raven closed her eyes and pictured the woman who’d been living rent-free in her head and heart these days, she let her hand wander down under the covers, brought her knees up, feet secure against the sheets and began to touch herself the way she’d been wanting to be touched for weeks now. 

  
When Lexa stood before the doorway, she knew she owed Raven an explanation. She owed Raven the truth. That she was scared, but she was definitely feeling things. And her outburst with Luna today came from an insecurity of losing Raven to someone else. And that Raven was not a fuck buddy. Raven was her… friend turned something more… what that something more was, they needed to decide. It couldn’t be lovers. No. It just couldn’t. Not when she was still Clarke’s wife, not when she was still so in love with her Clarke. Not while Raven will always be Clarke’s best friend. Even though Clarke wasn't here anymore. 

Lexa could feel the slight buzz of the alcohol, but it wasn’t too bad, she could walk, she could see clearly, the room wasn’t spinning when she entered, so she knew she could have a civil conversation with Raven if she was still up and willing to talk, if Raven didn’t completely hate her after their exchange this afternoon. 

Lexa left her keys in the bowl at the doorway and walked toward the living room. She was sure her head wasn’t spinning, at least not until the moment she saw Raven in the dim light of the night, the cover completely thrown off of her, her shirt pulled up to reveal her breasts, her one hand squeezing one of her breasts and pinching her own nipple, and the other inside her shorts, definitely working herself up between her legs.

Lexa froze. She couldn’t believe what she was witnessing. A part of her thought she should look away. Walk away. Don’t watch. Be respectful. So she turned around on her heels quickly. 

She could hear Raven’s soft breaths in the silence of the night, she was definitely close to finishing. Lexa could hide near the doorway and wait for her to finish and then appear like she wasn’t around the whole time. Or she could tiptoe upstairs and have a bath in the meantime, give Raven this space to find some release. Hell! They’d denied it to themselves for a while now. Lexa was sure she herself could combust every time they got so close to crossing that line and didn’t. 

Lexa couldn’t help herself, she turned around to watch. She knew she’d hate herself later, but there was something so beautiful, so extraordinary about what she was witnessing right before her eyes. 

Raven’s eyes were closed, but her mouth, O that delicious, sinful mouth, lips parted, breaths coming out in deep pants, biting her own lip, she arched her back, Lexa knew how to get a woman to feel that way, she could picture just what Raven was doing with her fingers between her legs to elicit that reaction. Lexa wondered if Raven was picturing her. 

And then it dawned upon her. Raven had never sought release this desperately from her. She had never once suggested or signaled for Lexa to do more than they usually did. The only thing different about today was that Luna appeared. 

Lexa felt that tightness in her chest again. Was Raven picturing Luna? It made sense. They were exes. They’d definitely had a lot of sex once upon a time. Did Raven call Luna back after she’d left? Did they have sex in that bed? 

Lexa could have sworn she was losing the will to breathe, she needed air. And then suddenly she heard Raven’s breaths pick up speed, turn louder, the moans grew higher-pitched, she was never this vocal when they made out, is Raven really this vocal when she comes, Lexa wanted to know, she wanted to experience it for herself. But her heart ached to think, that Raven wanted someone else. 

“OH LEXA! YESSSS OH YESSS! Lexa!” 

Lexa’s mind went blank. Her whole world shifted off its axis. And if hearing Raven moan her name in ecstasy wasn’t enough of a shocker to her, she realized she was frozen and couldn't move her feet to quickly take cover, and Raven opened her eyes and saw her standing right there in the entryway to the living room, having witnessed that. 

Raven quickly pulled her shirt down, pulled the covers up to cover herself, even though she was clothed, panic in her eyes, “SHIT! Lex, you’re here” 

Lexa was speechless. 

Raven was still breathing hard. 

Lexa took a careful step forward, then another and another, and when she was closer, Raven saw the darkness in her eyes. 

“Were you…? I mean I heard you…I thought...” Lexa was stammering. 

“Lexa, I can explain,” Raven said.   
  
Lexa got onto the bed, and then sat before Raven. 

“You don’t have to, if you don’t want to” Lexa was giving her an out. 

“I think I need to,” Raven said. There was something about Raven’s eyes, the way she was looking at Lexa, the concern, and yet a wall. 

Lexa closed her eyes for a second, remembering the events of the afternoon. Of course, she owed Raven that apology, Raven probably hated her for calling her a fuck-buddy. 

“Wait. Before anything else, Rae...I owe you an apology” Lexa said. 

Raven waited. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean what I said. I know we started off seeing it as a way to comfort one another, to be there for each other, but I have to admit, and agree, it started to become something more...” Lexa said, reaching out to take Raven’s hands in hers.

It was always easier talking about anything like this, when Raven’s skin was connected with hers, even just holding her warm hands gave Lexa so much courage, she couldn’t believe it. 

“So no, I was wrong to little you like that. You’re not my fuck buddy. you’re … you’re my… Raven you’re my friend, you’re my wife’s best friend…” 

She noticed Raven shiver, and she noticed the tear fall from her eye. 

“You’re a friend, and maybe, I think… perhaps you’re more than a friend now… I don’t know…” Lexa said uncertainty in her tone.

“Oh Lexa…” Raven started. 

“I just know that the idea of you going back to Luna, that upset me more than I expected it to, and it took me a couple of drinks to admit, that maybe that wasn’t just because Clarke wouldn’t want it, it was also cause… I don’t want it… and not just because I don’t want you to get hurt, but because… I want to have you… to myself...a little longer...”

Raven reached up and caressed Lexa’s face lovingly, her words, they certainly were so difficult to say out loud, Raven was really trying to decipher what this concluded for them…

“When I entered a few minutes ago, and saw you...ummm.. Touching yourself…” Lexa was shy to talk about it. 

Raven was embarrassed, covered her own face and exclaimed “O GOD!” but Lexa noted a hint of laughter in her tone. 

“No, no.. it was.. It was nothing to be embarrassed about Rae…” Lexa said, pulling Raven’s hands off her face, 

“Really, in fact.. It was… something else… it was so beautiful…” 

“Lexa you don’t need to…” 

“I’m being honest, it was such a pleasure to watch, Raven…” and as she said the word pleasure, her hand found Raven’s again, and her thumb stroked Raven’s skin, causing a shiver down her spine. 

“So much so… that I wanted you to be thinking of me while you touched yourself…” 

Raven’s eyes darkened. She bit her lip. Because even though she had just come, she could feel her body ready again. And this time, she wanted to cross that line so desperately. If only Lexa would let them. 

“I thought you were thinking of Luna… I thought you were picturing her and it upset me so much, I wanted it to be me that you were…” 

Lexa’s words were interrupted with Raven’s lips on hers, it took a moment for Lexa to come out of her surprise and actually kiss back, lean in and over Raven and kiss her just as passionately and wildly as Raven was giving. 

“It was you...”, Raven said between kisses “You’re all I want right now...” Raven admitted. 

“Oh Rae…” Lexa whispered breathlessly at her lips, Raven pushed the cover away from between them and Lexa was glad to be closer. 

“Raven, may I touch you?” Lexa asked breathlessly at Raven’s ear. 

Raven nodded and said, “Get your clothes off!”

“You first”, Lexa said, pulling at Raven’s t-shirt and then quickly pulling her shorts and underwear down and throwing it on the floor beside them. raven was bare before her. 

“Lexa! Wait…” Raven panted and cradled Lexa's face in her hands, bringing her face before hers again, wanting to read in her eyes now, if she had any hesitancy in doing this…

“What is it?” Lexa asked, her hand gently placed on Raven’s abdomen, and oh her touch was already making Raven lose all her sanity. 

“Are you sure about this Lex?” Raven asked. 

Lexa closed her eyes, she didn’t know what she thought about at that moment. There were factors to be considered, does this change their relationship, what will this mean when they are done and awake tomorrow morning, do they want it to mean something, or not? Then there was the fact that all of this started when they were too broken about Clarke, but now it seems like they had put some of their pieces back together jointly. Like there was no whole Raven without Lexa, and no whole Lexa without Raven. 

They could allow themselves this night right? They could allow themselves this release. They’ve been through so much pain together, this shouldn’t change their fondness towards each other right? 

Lexa opened her eyes to find Raven’s eyes looking at her worried, her thumb reaching over her eyebrows to comfort the creases there. 

“We don’t need to do anything you don’t want to do.” Raven wanted to assure her. 

Lexa rushed to say “I want this. I do, Raven. Do you?”

Raven nodded. And that was all the consent they needed. Lexa kept her eyes glued on Raven’s gaze as her hand inched lower down Raven’s abdomen and when her fingers met a pool of moisture, she watched Raven’s eyes close. 

“This… all this for me?” Lexa whispered, amused at how wet Raven was. 

Raven exhaled heavily, Lexa’s fingers were between her legs, her mind was going to blow up. If just the contact was sending shivers through her body, she didn’t know what she should expect when Lexa actually started working her up. 

“I’ve been thinking about you for a while…” Raven explained, opening her eyes to gaze at Lexa’s 

Lexa leaned in and kissed her lips again, letting her tongue slip in and simultaneously letting her fingers play in Raven’s folds. She could feel Raven’s whole body respond to her touch.

“Mmmm” Raven moaned into the kiss. 

“Is this like you imagined it?” Lexa asked. 

“Mmmm better,” Raven said between kisses, and then gasped when Lexa slowly let 2 fingers slide inside. 

“Oh, you’re so warm, and tight…” Lexa said, appreciatively. 

“It’s been a while...” Raven said with a smile, that quickly turned into a lip bite. 

“We’ll go slow...” Lexa said, as she slowly moved her fingers in and out and could feel Raven’s breathing get shallower. Raven put an arm around her shoulder and the other held her face close, then slipped into her hair and brought her lips back to hers. 

“May I suck your…”, Lexa began to ask. 

“Oh my god! THESE MANNERS WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME, LEXA!” Raven exclaimed, her hips bucking up, responding desperately to Lexa's touch.

Lexa laughed as she trailed kisses along Raven’s skin, down her chin, her neck and then went straight for a nipple. 

Raven hissed when her teeth lightly nibbled on her hardened peak. And Lexa began to quicken her pace between Raven’s legs. 

“Lexa, this is embarrassing, but I’m already so close…” Raven said breathlessly 

“Embarrassing? No. Don't be. You did say you’ve been touching yourself for a while now thinking about me, you did half my work,” Lexa said smugly, getting back to sucking Raven’s tits with a wild passion. 

Raven laughed, but then groaned when she felt Lexa’s thumb reach for her clit and circle it.

“Oh…” Raven gasped 

“Tell me how you like it…” Lexa said. 

“I imagined you were a talker.” Raven said smiling and then biting her lip in pleasure again. 

“You’ve gotta stop biting your lip like that, you're driving me crazy!” Lexa said as she continued to kiss and pull at Raven’s very erect tits. 

“Faster, Lexa…” Raven demanded and so she obeyed. Quickening her pace, letting her lips wander, switching between Raven’s neck, her jaw, her ears, whispering how fucking beautiful she was, while thrusting her fingers inside, curling them the right angle to elicit a string of expletives from Raven’s lips. And then vigorously rubbing her thumb around and across Raven’s clit. 

“Yes.. yes… just like that… Lexa…!” 

“Come for me, Raven…” 

“I’m so close! OH!” 

“I want to feel you come against my fingers, and then I want to taste every little drop of you…” 

Hearing these words, Raven’s whole body arched in pleasure, and she could have sworn her eyes rolled back in her head, her lips formed an O and she felt a tightness in her belly that suddenly imploded and boom! She came hard, and loud against Lexa’s hand, working her up beautifully and continuing to hold her and coax her through the orgasm. 


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23:

When she opened her eyes again, Lexa was smiling down at her, 

“That was…” Lexa began 

“... amazing!” Raven completed. 

“You were extraordinary..” Lexa said, slowly bringing her hand up and with her eyes still gazing at Raven’s she put the same two fingers in her mouth and Raven held her hand, wanting to stop her, but it was too late, Lexa hummed at the taste and Raven flushed red. 

“Oh…” Raven moaned at the sight 

“Mmmmm” Lexa moaned around her fingers and smiled. “you taste wonderful.” 

“Lex!” Raven said and pulled Lexa into her embrace, hiding her face in her shoulder. “What are you doing to me?!” Raven said. 

“Let me go down on you.” Lexa said. 

“UGH! Are you always this vocal, Lexa Woods?” 

Lexa laughed at that. She actually never was. This had something to do with it being Raven. 

“And no, it’s my turn now.” Raven said, as she lightly turned them over and leaned over Lexa.

“Oh come on, I was just getting started!” Lexa said. 

“You’re wearing way too many clothes for what we’re doing.” Raven stated as she pulled on Lexa’s shirt and pulled it up and over her head.

She then straddled Lexa’s hips and with a naughty smirk, leaned down, and caught the cup of her bra in her teeth and pulled it down. 

“Lord have mercy!” Lexa exclaimed as she felt her whole body come alive, even though Raven had not even initiated any legitimate contact. 

“The Lord has little to do with this”, Raven said, reaching behind Lexa and unhooking her bra.

“But you’re definitely a goddess.” Lexa said, lifting her body off the bed a little to aid Raven’s ministrations. 

“Shhhh, this is not the time to be creating endearing names for me!” Raven said, placing her finger on Lexa’s lips to shush her after she discarded the bra, 

Lexa smiled against her finger and then very strategically parted her lips and brought her tongue out to lick Raven’s finger, Raven let her finger slip into her mouth as Lexa twirled it around her tongue. 

This round was supposed to be about Lexa. How was she getting distracted so easily, she could feel her sex pooling between her legs again already. 

  
Her eyes watched Lexa’s lips and tongue at her finger sending so many sensations down her body, and then Lexa reached up to cup both of Raven’s breasts in her hands and squeezed. 

Raven shut her eyes in pleasure. 

“Lexa…” she said with her head tossed back.

“I love it when you say my name like that” Lexa said 

Lexa let go of one of her breasts only to tug at her thigh, trying to get her to straddle her waist instead of her hips, and as soon as Lexa felt Raven's warm wetness against her abs, she gasped in wonder. 

“Wow!” she said even as she continued to massage and fondle Raven’s breasts and pinch at her tits.

Raven started grinding against her abs as soon as she found a grove for her clit to rub against Lexa’s very defined edges.

Raven looked down at Lexa, it was a look so wildly hot, Lexa could have sworn she could come from Raven’s gaze on her. 

“Is this okay?” Raven breathed even as she started getting quicker, grinding herself down and alternating the way her body moved against Lexa’s waist. 

Lexa looked down at her body, her abs were glistening with Raven’s wetness. 

“Fuck! You’re perfect! Keep going” Lexa encouraged. 

She couldn’t get her eyes off where Raven’s pussy met her skin, and how she dripped down on her, 

Lexa knew her own jeans were ruined right now, she was for-sure a mess down there between her legs. Raven was a sex goddess and she couldn’t believe her eyes right mow. 

“I need more! LEX!” Raven panted, her temple glistened with sweat, she was really going at it, her whole body writhing with every rub of her pussy against Lexa’s abs. 

“I’ve got you!” Lexa said quickly, abandoning one breast to find Raven’s clit again “Keep going Rae.. I’ve got you.” 

“OH! FUCK LEXA!!!” Raven cursed when she felt the additional friction, Lexa’s fingers rubbing her clit! 

When Raven came, it was the effect of Lexa’s well-defined abs, her fingers pinching at Raven’s nipples and of course, the way Lexa had no mercy on her clit. 

Raven collapsed forward, lying along Lexa’s body, and Lexa let her hands wander down to Raven’s ass and squeezed. 

“OH!” Raven gasped when she felt Lexa’s warm hands hold her that way. 

Raven nibbled at Lexa's ear.

“You distracted me!” she accused. “I was going to do you.” 

“I know. But I couldn’t resist… you were so fuckin hot.” Lexa said that last line in her ear, causing shivers to run down Raven’s spine.

“WHY DO YOU STILL HAVE CLOTHES ON?!” Raven demanded and then sat up, even though she was still panting and got to work on Lexa’s jeans. 

Once they were off, she positioned herself between Lexa’s legs. 

Lexa’s eyes widened 

“Raven you don’t have to...” 

Raven bit her lip and let her hands slowly caress the skin from Lexa’s knees up to her inner thighs and then she trailed kisses down her left knee, inching closer and closer to Lexa's middle. 

Lexa closed her eyes. She knew what was going to come, and she knew it would completely undo her. This position always did… it always...

Raven’s lips were inching closer. 

“Rae…” 

“I can smell you, Lex, I can feel all of your warmth...” Raven said. Lexa looked down between her legs and saw the way Raven’s eyes were fixed on her center, and then Raven slipped her fingers into the waistband of her underwear and pulled it down her legs, Lexa couldn't take the way Raven’s eyes gazed hungrily at her. 

“Oh my god, don’t look at me that way, Raven!” 

“You look delicious,” Raven said with a soft smile. 

Lexa laughed, but her laughter turned into a quick gasp and a moan when Raven’s lips found her folds, kissing between them, licking between them, dipping her tongue in between Lexa’s lips between her legs, licking up to her clit, licking around it, sucking it into her warm mouth.  
  
Lexa could have sworn she’d forgotten to breathe.

Then in a move completely unexpected, Raven reached out to find Lexa’s hand and brought it to the back of her head. “Show me” she whispered into Lexa’s pussy. 

Lexa did not need to be told twice. She angled Raven’s mouth to just the right place, and guided her in every movement, and Raven responded with consistent licks and kisses and sucks and more licking, and finally, Raven dipped her tongue into Lexa earning herself a loud moan that probably would have reached every room in the house, 

And Raven moved her tongue, trying to inch as deep as she could, while her fingers rubbed against Lexa’s clit. 

“Raven! OH YESSS! YES! YES! Lexa arched her back and moaned loud and unapologetically, sure that the sounds of their activities were more than what the walls would have expected of them. 

  
When Raven’s eyes opened the next morning, the first thing she noticed was how warm her entire body felt. It wasn’t a feverish warmth, it was a good warmth, just right. The next thing she noticed was a slight ache in certain spots on her body. She took a deep breath, closing her eyes again to recall everything that had happened last night to leave those little aches. 

She knew, and could feel, there were definitely reddish marks around her tits and her joints between her legs, the muscles of her inner thighs felt, alive. 

She turned a little, making sure Lexa’s arm stayed around her as she shifted in the covers, to face her. Lexa was still asleep. But it was almost 10 am now and they should probably get up and get some breakfast. Raven leaned in, and softly placed a kiss on Lexa’s forehead 

“Lex?” she whispered.

At first there was no reply. She placed a kiss on her cheek, letting her lips stay there longer. 

“Lexa” she whispered closer to Lexa’s ear, and that caused slight movement and a sound 

“Hmmm?” came a sound from Lexa. Raven chuckled and nibbled lightly on her ear, 

“Ravennn” Lexa whined. 

“Wake up!” Raven said into her ear, her lips very purposefully brushing against the shell of her ear. But Lexa was immovable. 

So Raven gently caressed her face and then landed her lips on Lexa’s, knowing that maybe waking her up with a kiss might work. 

It did. Lexa immediately responded, her lips moving softly and gently with Raven’s, her eyes still closed, but her body angling itself closer to Raven, her hand moving up along her back, sounds of approval in the form of little sighs and moans into Raven’s lips. 

Lexa’s hand slowly moved from Raven’s back, to her wasit, then her hip, and then slowly behind to squeeze her ass. 

“Oh!” Raven gasped and bit on Lexa’s lips. 

“You like that?” Lexa asked. 

“You have explorative hands” Raven said with a chuckle. 

“Well, lucky you” Lexa said, as her hand came to the front and inched closer to Raven’s centre, slowly trying to curve in between her legs as she kept Raven distracted with the kiss, but the minute Raven felt Lexa touch her centre, that was now wet again, from the morning’s kisses and caresses, she stopped Lexa’s hand with her own. 

“Breakfast, first!” she whispered against Lexa’s lips. 

“Okay, if you insist.” Lexa said and then moved to make it seem like she was going down on Raven. Raven laughed and quickly got hold of her, bringing her back to her pillow. 

“LEXA!” 

“Come on, you know it’ll be fun…” Lexa urged. 

“Fun is an understatement for it, but I’m hungry, and I’m sure you are too, lets get some actual food in and then see what we want to do...” 

“I know what I want to do, it’s you who needs convincing,” Lexa said, leaning in to kiss Raven’s jawline and then slowly move those kisses lower, and lower, and Raven was really losing all sense of corrigible thought. Se felt like Lexa’s lips could easily hypnotize her if she wanted. 

Lexa’s lips were as explorative as her hands and were now inching closer to Raven’s nipple. 

“Oh Lexa….” Raven took a deep breath, she knew what was coming.

Lexa’s lips, sucked and kissed all around her areola and finally…

Gone. 


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24 

Raven opened her eyes to find Lexa sitting up, pulling the cover off of her and pulling on her t-short that had been discarded at night 

“Come on Raven, you said you’re hungry. You don’t seem so hungry wasting all this time in bed now” Lexa said, non chalantly.

“What the fuck! That should be illegal! Raven said, grabbing Lexa’s pillow and raising it to throw at her, but Lexa had quickly gotten her underwear on, got up off the bed and laughed as she ran, dodging the pillow effortlessly. 

“I’m going in for a shower, won’t be long.” Lexa said as she made her way upstairs. 

Raven sank back into her pillows and sighed happily. She would get back at her for that little stunt. Definitely. 

As she closed her eyes, she couldn’t help but feel a little more at ease. Last night, this morning, it felt good. Raven tried to keep the feeling of dread away, not yet she told it. She wanted to enjoy this moment, this little bubble they had around themselves, for as long as it would last. 

  
They were just done with breakfast. It was light and fun, just random banter back and forth between them. Lexa was wiping down the counter after clearing it up when her phone rang. 

“Hey Abby, good morning.” Lexa said.   
“Oh nothing, we just got done with breakfast.”   
“Ahaan, ahaan.. Okay”   
“Yea that’s good with me, let me ask Raven.”   
  
  
“You free for a school event, on Saturday? They want to announce the scholarship for the coming year.” 

Raven nodded in the affirmative. 

“Yea, she’s available too.”   
“Great, I’ll await a call from them then, about the timing and venue.”   
“Sure, thanks Abby, have a pleasant day.” Lexa said with a soft smile and then hung up. 

“Looks like you’re going to have to look for something formal to wear again.” Lexa said and Raven groaned. 

“Don’t sweat it, you’d look good in a paper bag.” Lexa said off-handedly. 

Raven allowed herself that compliment and smiled and decided to tease Lexa a little bit. 

“You wish.”   
“Shut up” Lexa said, chuckling herself. 

Raven got up from her seat from across the counter and came up closer beside Lexa, placing her hand on Lexa’s back

“You’d like that though, wouldn't you? me in the bare minimum” Raven asked, her voice dropped a few tones lower, and Lexa noticed. 

“I wouldn’t be complaining,” Lexa said, her throat going dry as she felt Raven’s hand move to the side of her waist.

“That stunt you pulled this morning, was it really necessary?” Raven said, getting behind Lexa and letting both her hands rest on Lexa’s hips. Lexa’s hand stopped wiping the counter, she froze. She could feel Raven step closer, the form of her body aligned to Lexa’s back...

“Hmmm?” Lexa said, losing any grip over her words. 

“Oh now, don’t feign ignorance, Lexa, you knew exactly what you were doing then, didn’t you?” Raven asked, her hand now moving to the front of Lexa’s t-shirt, her nose touching the back of Lexa’s hair and inhaling deeply, Raven found she loved the feeling of Lexa’s hair, the scent of her shampoo, her hands felt more confident, moving up to her rib cage and then back down over her denim shorts, tracing the dip from her hips down to the V of her legs, still over all her clothing. 

“I always know what I’m doing. And I know what you’re doing now...” Lexa said, turning her head a little to look back at Raven, her hands still on the counter before her 

“And what’s that, may I ask?” Raven asked. 

“Teasing. You’re going to work me up, and then leave me high and dry.” Lexa said softly. 

Raven laughed, and Lexa smiled to herself, she was beginning to love the sound of Raven’s laughter. Get a grip, Lexa. 

“Oh no Lexa, you see, that’s the difference between you and me… you tease and leave, I’ll make sure I get what I want…” Raven spoke so softly and sultrily, Lexa closed her eyes, as she felt Raven’s fingers find the button and zipper of her denim shorts. 

“‘Dry’ is not a word in my vocabulary,” Raven said as her hand slowly slipped into Lexa’s front, dipping into the waistband of her underwear too, and when her fingers dipped in between Lexa’s legs, Lexa's knee buckled and both of them sighed in unison…

“There… that’s proof…” Raven said. 

“Raven, you better finish what you’ve started!” Lexa warned, breathlessly. 

“Oh I will, I make no promises though, about how long I take to get there.” Raven’s other hand slipped in under her t-shirt and squeezed Lexa's breast over her bra. 

“Raven!” Lexa exclaimed, her own hand now placed over her own tshirt, over Raven’s hand inside it, guiding her to squeeze some more. 

“I’m sorry, did I ask for help?” Raven said, stoping all movements on Lexa. 

“No” Lexa said breathlessly and dropped her hand back to the counter before her. 

“Right” Raven said and then she began slowly circling Lexa’s clit with a finger and fondling one of her breasts again, pinching a nipple over the thin material of Lexa's bra, twisting it gloriously, causing whines and whimpers. 

And as if all of this wasn’t enough Raven let go of her breast for a second, pulled Lexa’s hair to one side, and then resumed her ministrations on her breast, coupled with slow, mind-numbing kisses and sucking along the column of Lexa’s neck. 

Lexa shivered 

“Raven, please…” she begged. 

“Please what?” Raven asked between kisses.

“Inside, I need your fingers inside.”

“You mean like this” Raven inched her hand in lower, and slipped her finger into Lexa’s wetness, just an inch and Lexa found herself spreading her legs a little more, and bucking her hips down, wanting the friction. 

“Yesss… more” Lexa whined. 

Raen slipped her finger out and brought her hand out of Lexa’s pants. 

“RAVEN!” Lexa said in protest, but instead, Raven tugged at Lexa to turn around and she watched as Raven put the same finger into her mouth, closed her eyes and relished in the taste of Lexa. 

“Mmmm” she hummed as she sucked her own finger. When Raven opened her eyes, Lexa’s gaze had darkened and was fixed on Raven’s finger that had just been between her lips. 

Raven then held the edges of Lexa’s t-shirt and brought it up above her head and kept it aside on the counter, she then leaned in and kissed Lexa on the lips, Lexa moaned, and Raven unhooked her bra too, and slid it off her shoulders and kept it aside. 

“What are you doing to me?” Lexa asked between kisses. 

“Showing you that two can play at this game.” Raven whispered back, biting into Lexa’s lower lip, even as Lexa started to smile. Raven’s hands came up to fondle Lexa’s breasts, Lexa threw her head back in pleasure. 

“Raven. Please touch me!’ Lexa said breathlessly.

“I am touching you.” Raven said, squeezing one of Lexa’s breasts and pinching the nipple of the other. 

“You know what I mean?” 

“Do I?” Raven teased, you’re going to have to be more clear about what you want from me Lexa?” 

“Fuck me!” Lexa said it more as a sigh in frustration at how wound up she currently was, but it could play both ways and Raven chuckled at that. 

Lexa felt Raven dip her head into Lexa’s shoulder and leave a soft bite there. 

“I noticed this morning, you left an unfair amount of teeth marks on my breasts last night.” Raven said. 

“OH!” the words were enough to cause a new rush of moisture between Lexa’s legs, cause she remembered. She knows just how much evidence she left on Raven's skin last night. 

“I just want to make sure we’re even is all.” Raven said as she slowly slid down against Lexa’s body and Lexa watched her pull her shorts down with her. 

Once Lexa got her legs out of them. “Get on the counter” Raven demanded. 

“Raven, take your clothes off” Lexa said, reaching for Raven’s t-shirt, 

“Nah-uh, get on the counter, Lexa.” Raven said as she pushed Lexa back again against the counter. 

So Lexa conceded and hopped up, mumbling “if you would just listen to me, I could make this fun for the both of us!” 

“Who said I'm not having fun?” Raven said, and before Lexa could say anything in response, Raven’s head dipped down, her hands pushed Lexa’s legs apart and

“OHHHHHH” Lexa’s back arched at the sensation and she threw her head back again, her eyes closing at the feeling of Raven’s savage mouth on her again. 

“Ravennn!” Lexa moaned as she felt Raven’s teeth nibble lightly on her clit. 

“God! You taste good!” Raven mumbled into her clit, and the hums of her voice into her skin there sent shivers through Lexa, she swore she was so close, she just needed Raven to touch her. 

“Rae, I’m so close!” she said.   
  
“Good” Raven said, and then instead of touching Lexa where she knew she needed to, she let her lips find the skin between Lexa’s thighs and pussy, leaving soft kisses and bites on the skin.

“Raven!” it was pure torture. 

Raven bit down softly on the hood above her clit, then licked a long trail through her folds, and then she came up and left a deep, bite on Lexa’s neck. 

“Payback’s a bitch, isn’t it? Next time, don’t tease!” Raven whispered into her ear and Lexa wanted to whine loudly about how she was so worked up and she just wanted release, she was this close to taking care of it herself. 

“Raven please, fuck me!” Lexa finally said 

And Raven did as was told. She inserted a finger into Lexa, slowly moving in and out of her while kissing down her neck and back up again, kissing her lips, letting her tongue slip between Lexa’s lips, she then inserted a second finger into Lexa and her thumb began to rub across and around Lexa’s clit. 

“Yes!” Lexa moaned in pleasure. 

“Tell me how you want it” 

“Faster!” Lexa said softly between kisses, and when Raven obeyed, Lexa was losing control of her lips on Raven’s she was too focused on everything going on between her legs. 

She held the back of Raven’s neck and brought her close, Raven continued to kiss against her jaw, her neck, her shoulder, even dipped down to suck her breasts again, but never once slowed down her fingers, working up Lexa just the way she knew how. 

“Oh yes… Raven… YESS! Ohhh OHHHH” Lexa came hard and loud against Raven’s fingers, her sex gushing out of her and on to Raven’s hands, her whole body feeling alive and pumped and her heart racing at the intensity of all the things she felt in that moment of ecstasy. 

When her breathing was finally back to normal, and Raven pulled her fingers out after making sure she had completely ridden out that orgasm, Raven put her arms around Lexa and brought her in for slow, languid kisses, that at this moment felt so blissful, and so right. 

“GOD! You’re good!” Lexa said. 

“Hmmm” Raven hummed into her lips and then chuckled. 

“Can we spend all day in bed?” Lexa asked.  
  
“You’ll tire of me.” Raven said. 

“I don’t think I will, besides, I’d like to make up for my little stunt from the morning.” Lexa said between kisses, Raven’s warm hands were roaming across her bare skin, they were warm and gentle and felt so fucking good against her skin. 

“You better!” Raven said 

“Let’s go back to bed then.” Lexa suggested again. 

“We could. Or we could go out today, spend some time in the sun and maybe tonight….?” 

“Yea, we could,” Lexa said. “But before we head out.. Maybe one more time…” Lexa said, raising an eyebrow, she slid off the counter and brought Raven close to her again, her hands slid down to Raven’s ass and squeezed. 

Raven closed her eyes and allowed her body to enjoy the sensations and then she felt Lexa slip a leg between hers and the slight friction she felt against her center seemed to have fanned a fire within her that had already been ignited from their activities just now. 

“Okay, just one more round.” Raven agreed, and in a motion so quick, Lexa reached down under her knees, lifted Raven up in her arms, took her to the living room and then put her down on the couch. 

“Come here” Raven said, wanting Lexa on top of her. But Lexa got between her knees and went straight for the waistband of her shorts. 

“I have business to attend to first.” 

Raven closed her eyes, she knew what was coming. So she held onto the side of the couch and readied herself for Lexa’s uber-talented lips and fingers. 


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25:

Most of that week had gone just like that. They found themselves teasing, flirting, touching and more touching, and almost always jumping into bed to have sex. 

And it wasn’t just bed. After that day in the kitchen, they once got frisky in Raven’s shower cubicle before retiring for the night, making sure Lexa was a panting orgasming mess, and another time on the staircase, in the middle of the day, when Lexa was coming downstairs having changed into her pyjamas and Raven was heading upstairs to remind her to pick out an outfit for tomorrow evening. 

Lexa could have blamed it on the fact that Raven was wearing just a t-shirt and underwear and she looked irresistible, and Raven would later tell herself, it was cause Lexa was looking at her like she was a meal to be devoured. 

They’d ended up with a few marks from the edges of the stairs imprinted on their skin, but came back to bed, satiated and completely spent, Raven in particular, having just experienced 2 orgasms one after the other. She did however wake in the middle of the night to Lexa's hand exploring her breasts, and she turned and decided to give back generously, what she’d received earlier that evening. 

  
Lexa put her key in the door, turned it and then held it open for Raven to enter, Raven stepped inside and then turned to say something to Lexa, when she felt Lexa’s arms come around her and slowly turned her and pushed her back to the door, causing Raven to gasp when her lips landed hungrily on Raven’s neck, devouring her skin leaving soft bites and nibbles as she kissed lower and lower. 

“Lexa…” 

“Did you enjoy it?” Lexa asked into her skin, her tone heard to read. 

“Lexa please…” Raven said, trying to keep a control over her mind, and not lose herself to the sensations. 

“He seemed to have your attention all night!” Lexa said. 

“I told him I’m not interested in anything” Raven said. 

“I know, but he didn’t seem to get the hint...”

“Lexa what do you want me to say? What should I have done?” Raven asked, bringing Lexa’s face up to look at her, Lexa looked so torn. Whatever they had between them, how were they supposed to put it in words, could they even explain it to themselves? 

Raven saw the hurt in Lexa’s eyes, she also saw thirst, jealousy, and an over-possessiveness that couldn't be good for either of them. They'd been having sex. They never talked about what it meant, and how long this would go on. They would just fall into it. Get hot and bothered, tease, and satisfy a hunger, a need in both of them. But today, the events of this evening was demanding a conversation now. it needed to be had. 

Tonight at the event, Raven had chosen to wear a beautiful navy blue dress, it was held up by thin straps and the neckline was deep, but not generous enough to garner unnecessary attention. Lexa had gone with a white shirt, black trousers and suspenders. When they arrived, they were welcomed and brought to a table where Abby and Kane were seated. There was however, another young man there.

“Lexa, Raven, meet Miles Shaw.” Abby said. 

He put out his hand to shake theirs and they greeted him back with a handshake each, "hi" and smiles. 

“This is my daughter-in-law, Lexa, and Clarke’s best friend, Raven”, Abby said. “Girls, Miles is one of the coordinators of tonight’s event, he works with the trust, keeping in touch with the trustees and others for any work related with scholarships and the likes for students.” 

“It’s nice to meet you.” Lexa said, acknowledging him and pulling a chair out at the table for Raven, 

“Nice to meet the two of you, too” he said as she smiled warmly at Lexa and then at Raven as she took her seat, and Lexa couldn't help but notice how his gaze lingered longer on Raven. She tried not to think much of it, as she took her seat beside Raven. 

And she felt much better when in adjusting her seat Raven scooted her chair a little closer to her. They’d gotten needy for the proximity these days, it was just more comfortable being within one another’s reach, knowing that when they did feel uneasy, they could just look to their side or reach out and feel better. 

“Raven, you would actually have a lot to talk about with Miles, he says he studied mechanical engineering too.” Abby said. 

“Oh really, I’m curious, what made you take up this job?” Raven asked

“Oh this, this is just a part-time thing, I have a full-time job as a marine engineer.” 

“Interesting” Raven said. 

“Yea, Abby here told me that you may be interested in a new job” he said. 

“Yea well, I don’t know, I haven’t given it much thought yet.” 

“Well, here.” he said, getting a business card out of his pocket and handing it to her “Give me a call when you do.” he said with a smile that was a little too unnecessary Lexa noted. 

They were served beverages and refreshments and then the event began, so they angled their chairs to look towards the stage. Lexa leaned in and said 

“You do see that he’s hitting on you right?” there was a hint of teasing in her tone.   
  
“Ahaan.” Raven said. Reaching out and placing a hand on her knee comfortingly. 

“And?” Lexa said. 

“And nothing. You know I’m not interested in anyone's advances right now, right?” raven hoped she was able to assure Lexa. 

Lexa looked like she was deep in thought. “Is that cause of Clarke? Like are you not seeing anyone cause of the grief?” 

Now Raven seemed to be deep in thought “Yea” she said. 

They stayed quiet. But both of them were deep in thought. Then Raven leaned in and said “And you.” raven felt it was okay to admit that at this point in time. lexa would understand. Sometime in the last few days, they'd probably both realized this was tuning into something more than just dealing with grief. the comfort was addictive. 

Lexa nodded and placed her hand on Ravens and squeezed. That answer should have been enough. But Lexa was curious now. 

“So if someone here were to ask you out…?” Lexa asked. 

“I’d say no, I’m not ready.” Raven replied softly. 

Lexa nodded. 

“Lexa, are you okay?” Raven asked her, needing to make sure Lexa wasn’t getting too lost in her thoughts. 

“Yea, yea, I’m fine. It’s just… he thinks he has a chance with you...”

Raven knew there was a lot that needed to be unpacked here. It wasn't like she and Lexa were in some relationship. They were… well they were having sex. If she didn’t hate the term 'friends with benefits’ she was sure this was what they'd otherwise call it. But regardless, she understood where Lexa’s over-protectiveness was coming from. Now that they were doing what they were doing, it was hard to imagine the other being hit-on by anyone else, let alone seeing anyone else. Hell, Raven knew, that if any woman were to approach Lexa and try to have her attention, Raven would be out for murder. So she got it. 

The hall was mostly filled with trustees of the school, other contributors to scholarships, some of the teachers, and some members of the PTA, but the hall still looked packed. 

Now Raven leaned in close and said “Well, he can go fuck himself, cause the only person I’m allowing into my bed these days is you.” Raven said and then looked back towards the stage where the host was calling out all of the recurring sponsors from last year and everyone was clapping. She knew she’d calmed Lexa’s fears for now. But she hoped the rest of the evening would be okay too. 

It wasn’t.   
Lexa had been called up on stage to speak a little about the scholarship, and why the eligibility was so specific, and Raven was so proud to see her up there, talking about their Clarke, about her dedication to her students, about all her hard work to make sure they do beyond well in their academics. 

Suddenly, Ravem felt a presence beside her, it was Miles. And she saw the exact moment Lexa’s eyes moved across the audience while she was talking and she spotted Miles come sit next to Raven. 

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist, I had to tell you, you’re currently the most gorgeous woman in this hall”, he said. 

“Thank you, Miles.” Raven said with a smile but then turned her attention back to Lexa. 

“Everything Abby’s been telling me about Clarke, I can see she was such an important part of your lives, both you and Lexa.” he said. 

“She is, yes. She was Lexa’s world, she was my… my best friend. So thanks.” Raven replied. Raven looked back at Lexa and saw that Lexa was kind of stuttering through the end of her speech, she almost seemed distracted and Raven knew the cause. 

“I was wondering, would you like to get dinner with me sometime, we could talk about what your job currently entails, and maybe I could convince you to… get more from your career?” he asked. 

Raven now looked at him directly “Miles. Shaw, listen. I’m not sure what you’re going at here, but I’m not interested in seeing anyone currently, and I already told you, I’d give you a call in case I need a job change, so can we please end this conversation here, I’d really like to listen to Lexa’s speech if you don’t mind.” 

“Right, I’m sorry.” he said and stayed quiet for the rest of it. 

When Lexa was done and came back to the table, she did have tears. The end of her speech had been the most moving, and Raven could tell from her delivery that it was difficult for her. When she approached the table, Abby was the first one to collect her in an embrace. Raven then went up to her and hugged her tight 

“You did great up there, Lex” 

“Yea?” Lexa asked, so unsure. 

“Yea, you were wonderful, she would be so proud.” Raven said, looking into Lexa’s eyes. 

Lexa smiled, it was warm and genuine and if they didn’t have so many people around them in that moment, Raven could have sworn she would have leaned in and kissed Lexa. But she made up for it with a kiss on her cheek and another warm hug. 

Then on, the event was simply a social event, more drinks were served, people were moving around meeting new people, Abby had caught onto Lexa’s hand and pulled her to a group of trustees she thought she needed to meet. 

So Raven found herself by the fountain, talking to one of the teachers Clarke knew, when they were interrupted by Miles again. 

“I see you’ve run out here,” he said, gesturing to her empty glass of wine, and offering her a new one. She took it. Just then the teacher she had been talking to was beckoned over by someone else and she excused herself and walked away. Immediately Raven’s eyes did a quick scan looking for Lexa again, she had seen her just a couple of minutes ago talking with Abby and a few others but where was she now? 

“There are like at least 50 other women in this room, Shaw, who would appreciate your attention, why bother with me?” Raven asked him. 

“Come on, I just want to talk, what’s so wrong about that?” He asked. And now Raven genuinely felt bad. She had been avoiding him all evening for Lexa’s sake, and he wasn’t such a bad guy. He may even have interesting things to talk about given they were in the same field of work. So she decided to give him a chance. They were just talking anyway. 

“Also, the 50 other women here don’t interest me as much as you do” he added. 

“If you keep up with the flirting Shaw, I swear to god, you’re leaving here injured,” Raven said. 

“Fine, fine” he said. And then they got talking about their jobs, and Raven was actually quite interested in what he had to say. Everything he told her about the company he works for sounded like a great opportunity and she couldn’t help but wonder, could this actually be something she would work with. 

Raven didn’t realize how long she’d stood there talking to him, but when she felt a hand on her waist and immediately breathed in Lexa’s scent she realized she had really lost track of time. 

“Hey, you okay?” she quickly asked Lexa as Lexa came up to stand beside her. 

“Yea, I’m good. I was thinking I should get home, I’m a little tired and all this socializing is getting to me.” Lexa said. and she did look pretty worn out. 

“Yea okay, let's go.” Raven said, putting her glass on one of the nearby tables. 

“No you don’t need to come with me, I'll be fine, you should stay, enjoy the rest of the night.” Lexa said, nodding in acknowledgment towards Shaw. Raven saw right through that. 

“Ummm, no I think I’ve had enough too, I’ll come with you.” Raven said finally and her tone was enough to tell Lexa she didn’t want to be pushed further. 

“Alright, I’ll call us a cab.” Lexa said and went over to inform Abby they were leaving. 


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26: 

“Well, it was nice meeting you, Raven Reyes.” said Shaw. 

“You too, Miles. I’ll call you if I need the job” 

“I’ll look forward to it.” he said and she walked away towards where Lexa was talking to Abby. 

“Goodnight, girls” Abby hugged them both and said “I’ll be leaving in a few minutes too. Get a goodnight’s rest.” she said. 

And then just before they left she added “Raven, what did you think of Miles?” 

Lexa looked down at the floor. Raven found it odd that Abby asked but she said “Nice fella, why do you ask?” 

“No reason, he just seemed like a nice guy, and I know you haven’t been seeing anyone recently...” Abby said with a soft smile. 

“Ahhh, No Abby, I’m not in the mind space right now, really, but thank you.” Raven replied. 

Raven then put a hand on Lexa’s arm and Lexa almost flinched from the touch, and Raven would be lying if she said that didn’t hurt her a little bit. 

“Lex, let’s go home” she said softly. 

Lexa nodded and led the way out. 

When they finally got their cab and got in, Raven scooted closer to Lexa and took her hand, brought it up to her lips and kissed it “Please talk to me Lexa, what’s on your mind?” 

“Nothing” Lexa said. 

“Don’t close off on me like this” Raven said, looking at Lexa. 

“You know what it is.” Lexa said. 

“I can guess. You’re upset about Shaw” Raven said. 

“You’re damn right I am” 

“Lexa, you know I’m not interested in anyone right now, right? You know that.” Raven assured. 

Lexa stayed quiet. 

“Lexa…?” Raven tried to get through to her again, but she turned her head and looked out the window. 

“So you’re just not going to talk to me?” Raven asked. This was ridiculous. They weren’t kids, they could settle this like adults. 

“We’ll talk once we’re home” Lexa finally said, lifting Raven's hand to her lips and kissing it softly and Raven decided she’d have to do with that for now.   
  


So here they were now, against the front door, Lexa’s lips hot on her neck and asking “Did you enjoy it?” into her skin. 

“Lexa please…” Raven said. 

“He seemed to have your attention all night.” Lexa said

“I told him I’m not interested in anything” 

“I know, but he didn’t seem to get the hint...”

“Lexa, what do you want me to say? What should I have done?” Raven held her face and made her look at her. 

But Lexa didn’t answer, she kissed Raven, fast and hot, and so dominating if Raven wasn't so worried about Lexa she would have enjoyed this. But they needed to talk. 

“Lexa, please… talk to me…” 

“I don’t know okay, I just… I couldn't see you with him. I knew all he wanted was to get into your pants tonight.” 

“You couldn’t have known that” Raven argued. 

“You keep saying that, but I can tell.” Lexa said. 

“And what makes you think I would have let him get anywhere near me like that?” Raven challenged. 

“I don’t know Raven, like Abby said, you haven’t been seeing anyone recently…” Now Lexa sounded so unsure of herself, like she believed that Raven would be interested in dating right now. 

“Listen to me...” Raven said, kissing Lexa once more, with lips so sure and so certain. 

“I don't know what we are and what we’re doing, but if there's one thing I know for sure, is I absolutely enjoy the way you touch me, the way you kiss me, the way you make me scream your name… and I don’t want to let go of that just yet” 

Lexa looked at her with eyes of wonder and awe. 

“I don’t know what you saw while I was talking with Shaw that upset you so much and made you doubt yourself so much…” 

“I couldn’t take my eyes off you tonight Rae, you look so gorgeous…” Lexa said, her eyes wandering down for a second to the neckline of her dress and then back up to look at Raven “but every time I looked at you, he was right there, invading your personal space…” 

“Well, you should know, I only remember talking to him about mechanical engineering, everything else he spoke about, I was zoning out, thinking about how I wanted you to be the one invading my personal space tonight…” Raven said as she slowly pushed the straps of her dress off her shoulders and brought Lexa’s hands up to her breasts. She then wrapped her arms around Lexa’s shoulders and said 

“Lexa, I don’t care about anyone else. I want you to be touching me right now. Just you.” 

Lexa was speechless. Her hands were on Raven’s breasts, albeit above the material of her dress but still. 

“I want you too.” Lexa finally said. 

“Then take me. Put your hand under my dress, between my legs and make me come screaming your name…” Raven said in a voice that had pitched a few levels lower. 

"And when you’re done, I’ll take you to the couch and blow your socks off too." 

Lexa didn’t realize she’d been holding her breath until she released it “Yes ma’am” she said as she pushed Ravenb back against the door, and began kissing her with renewed vigour, doing just as she was told, pushing Raven’s legs apart, lifting her dress up just enough to reach into her panties and find her soaked through 

“OH!” 

“I was thinking about us in the elevator up.” Raven explained.

“Me too” Lexa whispered into her skin and continued to touch her gloriously wet and warm pussy. 

Lexa let her fingers slide in and out, expertly, and her thumb had already begun to rub at Raven’s clit. 

“Oh LEX! YES! Right there!” Raven said, her head thrown back at the door, Lexa’s lips wandering along her neck, sucking violently, knowing just how Raven’s body’s responded, she was gushing between her legs and Lexa loved it. She was so tempted to get on her knees and just eat her out, instead she pulled the dress up over Raven’s head and threw it aside. She was met with navy blue lacy lingerie that she never anticipated. 

Every time they did the deed, she was sure they’d only ever worn simple underwear and they never made a big deal about it, but today, Raven had selected a piece that was made to drive someone wild. 

“Holy…!” Lexa said, realizing now, that her hand too, was inside the matching lacy underwear. 

“You like it?” Raven asked. 

And that statement in itself meant, that Raven had put this on for her. Raven had dressed up for her. Raven wanted them to come home tonight and do exactly this. She wanted this reaction from Lexa. 

“You’re gorgeous!” Lexa said and her free hand slid down from Raven’s neck to her breast, cupping her gently, and then looking into her eyes, 

“You’ll have to forgive me if I rip it off.” Lexa said seriously. 

“Back the fuck away right now, Lexa Woods. Ain't nobody ripping off my expensive lingerie!” Raven said. She even pushed Lexa a step behind, Lexa's hand slipping out and Lexa watched as Raven took off her own lingerie slowly, and sultrily, keeping eye contact with Lexa. 

“Keep the heels on.” Lexa said when she realized Raven was going for them next. 

“Kinky, I like it.” Raven said, biting her lower lip and taking the 2 steps towards Lexa and hooking her naked body onto her. Her leg draped around Lexa’s hip.

“Finish what you started” Raven commanded 

“Yes, ma’am” Lexa responded, she tugged at Raven’s other leg and Raven hoisted herself up, both her legs wound around Lexa’s hips and her arms around Lexa’s shoulders. 

“Promise me you’ll wear those again though. I feel like they didn’t get their due justice” Lexa said, talking about the lacy underwear raven just got rid of. 

“Hmmm I’ll think about it” Raven reponded.   
  
Lexa tickled Raven in response as she laid her down on the couch. They had kept the couch open before they left, knowing they would be late and would want to get straight to bed. The unspoken intention of having sex when they were back was ever-present in their minds. 

Once Raven’s head hit the pillow, Lexa got on top of her and Raven pushed her suspenders off her shoulders and got to work on her shirt buttons. 

Lexa pushed Raven’s legs apart and settled her hips between them. 

Raven’s hips immediately bucked upwards, needing friction. 

“Get your pants off!” Raven demanded. 

“Shhhh” Lexa said at her lips and continued to kiss her as Raven struggled with her buttons. 

Lexa rolled her hips into Raven causing her to disconnect the kiss and whimper in filthy need. 

“Fuck LEXA! Are you going to dry hump against me! GET YOUR TROUSERS OFF!” Raven commanded again. 

Lexa laughed as she kneeled between Raven’s legs and started with her trousers, she took off her shirt in one swift motion, leaving her clad in just her innerwear. She’d worn boyshorts and a sports bra underneath and she still looked absolutely delicious. Raven’s eyes raked over her body and she burned with excitement. She held Raven’s ankle and brought it up kissing the slide of her leg, enjoying the fact that she was going to make Raven come in this bed tonight with those heels on. 

Lexa kissed down her leg until she was an inch away from her pussy and then she started with the other leg, right from her ankle down to the apex of her thigh 

“OH LEXA… Please! Touch me!” 

Lexa found no reason to deny her release, so she leaned back over her and started to kiss down her neck and settled over her chest, sucking on her breast and let her fingers find Raven’s center. 

Within seconds she had Raven moaning loud and unapologetically, gasping and arching her back, Lexa curled her fingers upward into her and Raven saw stars at the back of her eyes, and when she opened them, she saw green orbs looking at her with so much wonder, Lexa’s fingers were still inside her, helping her ride it out

And when she finally caught her breath, she sat up and held Lexa’s face gently and kissed her. 

“You’re so good at this.” she said to Lexa. 

“You too.” Lexa said softly, a whisper at her lips

“Your turn, Woods” Raven said, turning them over and leaning in over Lexa and kissing her lips wildly for a good 10 minutes. Lexa was losing her mind, she could feel Raven’s tits brushing against her skin, Raven had gotten rid of her sports bra, but her boy shorts were still on. And they were soaking through the centre that much she was sure of. 

“Raven, please, just touch me already.” 

“I’ll do you one better,” Raven said at her lips, and kissed her way down the centre of Lexa’s breasts and when her lips reached the waistband of Lexa’s underwear she tugged at it with her teeth, and watched Lexa’s eyes go yet a shade darker. 

She then pulled them down and off slowly with her fingers and in an utterly unexpected move, she spread her legs and rubbed her own clit with Lexa’s underwear, rolling her hips sultrily over them.   
  
“OH FUCK!” Lexa said as she watched. 


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27: 

Raven closed her eyes and allowed herself a few seconds of pleasure as she stimulated herself. Then she was back to giving all her attention to Lexa. 

“I want both your hands in my hair.” Raven said, before diving right in. 

Lexa’s knees came up, her feet digging into the bed, while Raven’s mouth went at her hungrily. Her hands flew to the back of Raven’s head, she couldn’t tell if she wanted her to slow down, or quicken up, she was losing her mind. 

“RAVEN! YES!” She bucked her hips upward when Raven pulled away to catch her breath and push a stray bunch of hair out of the way, Lexa pushed it back behind her ear and Raven got right back to it 

Lexa couldn’t believe the sensations running through her body, she felt all sorts of tingly at the back of her spine, Raven’s tongue was merciless against her, she dipped in and out multiple times and then licked all around, she sucked and the nibbled, kissed and then nibbled again, she ran her tongue through her folds and then dipped in and out again, finally she brought her fingers to the mix and inserted them in, and began thrusting 

“Come for me, Lexa…” She panted against her thigh and then continued, getting faster with her thrusts and rubbing her tongue and lips against Lexa’s clit. 

Raven heard Lexa moan loudly as she got closer and closer, there were 'Oh's and gasps, and deep sighs, and groans, and finally, as she moved her mouth over her clit and sucked lightly, and curled her fingers upwards in Lexa, finding her g-spot and hitting it just right, repetitively, 

Lexa moaned out a name in repetition, like a prayer. 

Lexa felt her senses explode. It had been a while since she last experienced this feeling. And it truly did so much to her heart, her mind, her entire body felt alive. She felt Raven crawl up beside her as she climbed down from her high, her breathing slowly dropping to normal, her heartbeat coming back to its normal pace, and before she could realize what was happening, Raven was sitting at the edge of the bed, facing away from her, taking off her heels but pulling on her underwear

“Raven…” Lexa called out. 

“I need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be back…” Raven said softly. 

“You don’t have to put your clothes on.” Lexa said. 

“It’ll get cold at night, you should too.” Raven said, and Lexa wondered why her voice sounded so clipped. 

“Don’t be ridiculous, we can sleep bare-bodied, we have the covers and each other to keep warm.” Lexa assured her. 

Raven nodded and got up and disappeared to the bathroom. 

Lexa found she was dozing off, she tried to keep her eyes open, but she kept falling into a slumber. She knew it was the orgasm plus the alcohol from the event earlier, she’d tired herself out completely.   
  
Lexa found her mind drifting to thoughts about them. This bubble they were in, it would burst one day soon. And they wouldn't know how to deal with it. They should talk about what this means for them. Today it all seemed okay, jumping into bed with one another, having sex like it's no one's business, tomorrow too it'll all be okay, but what happens to them a month or two later, what happens when Raven realizes she wants more, what if Lexa can't be more, Lexa wondered now, is she in a place to offer more? but the questions in her mind were causing her a headache and she didn't want to deal with them just yet. 

When Raven finally came back, she got in under the covers, kept her back to Lexa, but scooted closer and Lexa put her arm around her, pulling her in and drowning her face in Raven’s hair. Lexa took a deep breath.

“That felt so good!” Lexa said. 

“It did, we should sleep now, goodnight Lexa.”

“Goodnight, Raven.” Lexa said, already dozing off into deep sleep. 

A tear rolled off Raven’s face and onto her pillow, and she sniffled trying to force herself to sleep. She hoped her sobs wouldn’t be too loud, she had no intention of disturbing Lexa’s sleep, but oh, her heart ached like never before. What was supposed to be a beautiful night, had turned into her worst nightmare within seconds.  
  


  
When Lexa woke up the next morning, she immediately realized she was alone. Raven. Where was she? And the bed was cold. So she’d been gone for a while. Lexa sat up and looked around. 

“Raven?” she called out and there was no response, 

She reached for her phone and there was a text. 

“Lexa, we need to talk.” it read. 

“Okay” Lexa replied, “Where are you?” 

“I stepped out for a bit.” 

“Are you okay? What time will you be back?” Lexa asked. 

There was no immediate reply and Lexa began to worry. She tried calling Raven, but Raven didn’t pick up. She got out of bed, put on her clothes and walked upstairs slowly, keeping an eye on the chat hoping Raven would reply. 

“Rae, is this about last night, did I do something wrong?” Lexa finally asked in a text. 

“Lexa, I’ll be home soon and we’ll talk okay?” Raven said. 

Lexa could have sworn everything as perfect last night, what could have gone wrong. Why did Raven leave this morning, why was she being so cryptic right now? Where was she? 

Raven returned home at around 3 pm that afternoon. And as soon as she closed the door and walked to the living room entryway, Lexa was getting up from the couch and walking towards her. But she froze when she saw Raven’s face. 

“Rae…” Lexa said, her expression showing utter confusion, noticing the red rims around Raven’s eyes, she’d been crying. Bitterly. The last time Lexa had witnessed this state of Raven, was on Clarke’s funeral day. 

“Oh Raven…” Lexa said sympathetically, stepping forward, her hands coming up to reach for Raven. 

But Raven took a step back and looked down, and it seemed like she was doing everything she could to keep from breaking into tears again. 

Lexa’s heart ached at the reaction. 

“Rae what’s wrong? Please tell me, I’ll fix it, I’ve got you... “ Lexa tried, taking a careful step forward. 

“Lexa I need to leave” Raven said.   
  
“You just got here. Where were you?” Lexa asked. 

“No. I meant… I can’t live here. I can’t be… here.” Raven said more clearly. 

“You mean like this house? Rae…” Lexa looked so confused. 

“NO LEXA!” Raven said and then took a deep breath and looked up at Lexa. 

“What is it? Raven. Tell me” Lexa pleaded, needing to understand what was happening. 

“I can’t be near you,” Raven said. 

And Lexa stood frozen for a second, the words not sinking in. But in the silence of the next minute it did and she looked down at the floor, her eyes were beginning to brim now too. When she finally spoke again she asked, “What did I do? Is this cause of how I reacted to Miles’ flirting last night?” 

This time it was Raven who couldn’t hold back the tears, she stood there trembling, crying.

“Raven, did I hurt you?” Lexa asked carefully. 

“YOU SAID HER NAME LAST NIGHT, LEXA!” Raven finally said, through the crying. 

Lexa closed her eyes. What. 

“You said her name. You said Clarke’s name. While I was… while I was pleasuring you…” Raven spoke, and Lexa could have sworn she felt her eardrums go blank. White noise. Her body had begun to shiver in dread. She needed something to hold on to. She was grateful she was standing right next to the couch, she reached out and put a hand on the backrest.

“Raven I… I’m sure I…” Lexa tried to make sense of it. 

“No, please… please don’t try to explain it… there’s nothing you say now that could change my mind about what I’ve decided.” 

“Raven…” Lexa sounded desperate. 

“We’ve been going about this all wrong, Lexa” Raven said. 

“No… it can’t be wrong to grieve together.” Lexa said, saying it out loud more so for herself, and she really was convincing herself 

“Lexa, it may have started that way, and I don’t know about you, but I can’t lie to myself any more… Yes, I'm attracted to you, yes I care about you, and you already know I love you, but I'm slowly realizing that maybe I’m also…” Raven took a deep breath “I’m also falling ‘in love’ with you, Lexa” 

Lexa stared at Raven, Her words had sent Lexa into a spiral of dread. They were beautiful words. they should have made lexa feel good. And they did. but there were other more negative feelings that came with them. Feelings of guilt and shame and self-despise.

Raven looked broken. Lexa opened her mouth to reply. 

“No. Please. I don’t know what I was thinking, you have to know I’ve been denying these feelings for a few days now, and that’s because I know how selfish it is... “ 

“No, Raven...” Lexa took more steps further, wanting to close all this distance between them. 

“It is. It is selfish. You’re my best friend’s wife. Clarke… Clarke may be gone, but you love her, she was the love of your life, and I know I cannot and won’t take her place, but I hate myself for thinking I could create another place for myself like that in your life…” Raven explained. 

Lexa took a deep breath. What was happening? She was finding it really hard to keep up. She exhaled and took another deep breath. 

“I cannot expect that from you, not when you’ve just lost Clarke, not ever. It’s wrong, it’s disrespectful to Clarke, and it’s… not what either of us should want.” Raven said. 

“So you’re leaving?” Lexa said. Because even though there were so many things she needed to say to Raven in reply, so many things she wanted to try and clarify, so many words of comfort she wanted to give Raven, she knew that Raven was readying her to part ways. Raven was going to leave. And Lexa’s world was falling apart just thinking of her life without Raven right now. 

“I have to. We cannot do this right. Being together in this time, I thought it would make things easy, but I didn't know we'd become this. You’re not over Clarke, you can’t be, I don't know if i ever wanted you to be, but and last night showed me that I can't be trying to have this, whatever this is between us, with you.” Raven explained. 

“Raven, I didn’t mean to…” Lexa started but Raven cut her off. 

“Exactly. You wouldn't have done it intentionally. But that means deep down, your mind, bod, and soul is still very much Clarke’s. And anyway, I don't know where we were going with this... What would have happened, Lexa? At some point we would have fallen apart out of guilt anyway. We can’t be together. We can’t be sleeping around like this, no matter if we call it grieving, comfort, fooling around, a rose with any other name…” 

“...is still a rose…” Lexa finished for her sofly, sounding so defeated. 

Raven nodded. There was a long moment of silnece between them before Lexa spoke. 

“Is there any chance this can end without you walking out of my life completely, Raven?” 

Raven was crying. Lexa couldn’t stop the tears now either. 

“I guess not,” Lexa said to herself when she didn't get a response from Raven. 

“I’m sorry, Lexa. we have to grieve on our own. We have to take our time. Clarke was… Clarke was so special… to both of us… and what we’re doing now… it’s.. so messy”  
  
Lexa knew that everything she was saying was right. But she still couldn’t wrap her head around the fact that Raven was going to leave her. 

“Raven, I’m sorry.” Now Lexa slowly found herself crumbling to the floor, her voice caught in gasps and sobs, “I’m sorry, about last night, about how I’ve handled things, about making this whole thing feel like your only choice is to leave… I’m so sorry Rae...” Lexa cried, desperately. 

Lexa felt Raven’s arms wrap around her and she tried to allow herself the comfort, but it was of no use, Raven had made up her mind. She would be leaving. 

“Shhh, we both did this. It wasn’t just you…” Raven said softly.

“I feel responsible that you’re leaving” Lexa cried. 

“I’ve fallen in love with you, Lexa… I’ve done this.” Raven said. Like it was her biggest regret. And suddenly Lexa couldn’t tell what hurt more. 

That she was the reason Raven was leaving, that she’d taken Clarke’s name when Raven’s lips were on her, that she was probably just as in love with Raven as Raven was with her, and she couldn’t bring herself to admit it. That Raven was admitting her love for her and what was supposed to be words that would bring someone joy was bringing up so many different feelings in her.

And even if she were to say it back, what would Raven say? Would she still leave? Would it make leaving easier? Or more difficult. Lexa looked up at her, and in that moment she knew maybe she needed to say it now, no matter the outcome, no matter if it was a wholesome feeling for her yet or not. 

“Raven… maybe I… maybe I…” She stammered to say it. 

“Shhhhh...” Raven said, placing a trembling set of fingers on Lexa’s lips, as if she knew just what Lexa was trying to say. 

“Don’t say anything you’ll regret later, Lexa. Please, for me, but mostly for Clarke… think about Clarke. Please think about our Clarke” Raven said as she pulled Lexa into an embrace and cried against her, Lexa shook with pain. 

Raven, the woman who’d been her rock and strength, and a source of unconditional love ever since Clarke passed away, was leaving. 


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

  
Lexa was standing near the couch, watching Raven pack her things into two suitcases and boxes

“Does it have to be so soon?” Lexa asked, 

“Yes. I can’t be here longer, Lexa” Raven said, not making eye contact with Lexa. 

“Where will you go?” Lexa asked, 

“I’ll be at Emori’s for a few weeks, and then I’m going to DC.” Raven said. 

This time Lexa stood up straighter, folded her arms across her chest and took a few steps forward. “DC?! What the fuck, Raven! I thought you’d be in this town atleast!” Lexa snapped, letting it sink it that Raven was moving so far away from her. 

“Lexa, please, you have to understand…” Raven began 

“Understand what?! this is ridiculous! You don’t need to go so far away!” Lexa insisted. 

“But I do” Raven insisted. 

“Raven… I need you.” Lexa knew what she sounded like. Vulnerable. Needy. Desperate. 

“I know. I need you too. But we’ve blurred the lines between comfort and pleasure and it’s getting difficult to navigate what we feel about all of this… I promise you Lexa, this will be good for us…In time. It has to be...” Raven said. 

“Raven, I just lost my wife. And now I’m losing the closest person I have to her… how can this be good for us?!” Lexa said. 

Raven sighed heavily. This wasn’t easy for either of them. She herself didn’t know for sure if what she was doing would heal them, or break them further. But she knew she needed time to process her feelings.

“And DC? Are you going to be living with Luna, because I can give you a 1000 reasons why that’s a bad…” Lexa continued. 

“No Lexa, I’m not living with Luna, but I will be in touch with her to help me figure out my job.” 

Lexa looked stumped. 

“FINE!” Lexa said, and this got Raven’s attention. The tone. She looked at Lexa to find her turning away. 

“Lex…” Raven tried. 

“No. Please, by all means, Raven, just leave. Do as you wish.” Lexa said, angrily. 

“Lexa, don’t be this way please.” Raven stood up, pleading. 

“No no, you want to leave. Who am I to hold you back! So much for the love and care you feel for me” Lexa said sarcastically. 

“That’s not fair, Lexa” Raven said, folding her own arms across her chest. 

“NOT FAIR?! Do you know what’s not fair? You telling me you’re in love with me, and then moving to a whole other city.” 

“I have no other choice” Raven insisted. 

“You do, you could stay and we could figure out what we feel about one another.” Lexa said. 

“Lexa, no one would be okay with this. What are we going to tell Abby? What are we going to tell Octavia and Lincoln? Hell! You’re not even sure you can admit it to yourself Lexa! And it’s not even been a month since Clarke is gone! we can't explain this. Not to anyone. not to one another! ” 

Lexa groaned and held the sides of her head. 

“There’s no way we could know if what we feel for each other is even real. For all you know the grief is causing all of this. And we will end up hurting one another beyond repair if we start something and it ends badly.” Raven reasoned. 

“It’s ending badly right now, Rae.” Lexa said softly. Her tears back again.

Ravan kept silent and walked up to Lexa, but Lexa took a step back, and then turned on her heels and walked upstairs. 

Raven sighed, wiped the tears that were coming back to her eyes and continued packing. She was packing up her stuff today into a couple of boxes, she’d be taking 2 suitcases with her to Emori’s, she’d have to arrange for the movers to collect the boxes and take them to DC, where she was already in touch with Luna about a hotel she could board in until she found the perfect place. These were decisions she’d made so quickly in her head as she’d laid awake in Lexa’s arms through the night, and between conversations with Octavia this morning. 

“So much of this isn’t making sense to me, Rae” Octavia had said to her over breakfast at her place. 

“I know. I can’t say much Octavia. I just know I have to go. please just trust me.” 

“Ofcourse I trust you." Octavia said and then asked, "And Lexa knows you're leaving?” 

“I’m going to tell her today,” Raven said sadly.

Octavia sighed. “You’re not giving me much to go on here, how do I know how to care for her if you won’t tell me what happened between you two.” Octavia said. 

“It was a couple of exchanges that went south, O. I just need you to keep checking in on her now and then.” Raven instructed. "Just drop by, make sure she's eating right, that she's looking out for herself, that she has what she needs to move on" 

“This argument or whatever it was between you'll, was it about Clarke?” Octavia asked. 

“You could say so,” Raven said. 

“So some difference in opinions?” Octavia asked. 

Raven simply nodded. 

“And I shouldn’t prod Lexa to tell me about it either?” Octavia asked. 

“It would be best forgotten between us. I don’t want her thinking too much about it after I’ve gone” Raven had said. 

“And when will we see you again?” Octavia had asked. 

Raven knocked on Lexa’s bedroom door. It was open. It always was these days, but when she saw Lexa laying on the bed, her legs dangling off the bottom edge and her hands spread out on her sides, she felt like she was interrupting something. 

“When do you leave?” Lexa asked, not turning her head to look at Raven, but knowing she was at the door. 

Raven stepped in. “Now. For Emori’s” 

Lexa sighed and then sat up. Raven came and sat beside her. 

“This is really happening,” Lexa said. 

“It is, Lexa” Raven said softly. 

They remained silent. 

“If I had taken your name instead last night, instead of Clarke's? This wouldn’t be happening today, would it?” Lexa asked.

Raven took a moment to think before saying, “No. It wouldn’t have happened today. We would have continued this for days until it WOULD happen. And I will have fallen harder in love with you by then, and I will have broken deeper knowing I would have to leave you then.” 

Lexa sighed. She understood.

“I’ve asked O to check in on you, whenever she can.” Raven said. 

“I can take care of myself, Raven.” Lexa said quickly, a slight bitterness in her tone. 

Raven didn't want to argue. She didn't respond. 

“I have something I need to show you.” Raven said, pulling her phone out of her pocket and opening up Clarke’s chat window and she handed the phone to Lexa. 

Lexa stared at Clarke’s words, and read them over and over again. 

“I know she meant this just for those couple of days she was going to be away. But I’ve been reading it every day and I made it my sole mission, so much that I’ve fallen in love with you.” Raven said. 

Lexa was crying again, tears rolling down her face. She reached for her own phone then and opened up Clarke’s chat and handed it over to Raven. 

It read: “Baby, it’s only for a couple of days. I promise I'll be back before you know it. Until then, I know you’re in good hands. There’s no one I trust more to look out for you, than Raven. But please, don’t annoy her and don’t be troublesome. Take care of her too.” read Clarke's text to Lexa. 

“I feel like we’re letting her down.” Lexa said, “by doing this.” 

“I feel like we’d be letting her down either way.” Raven admitted, still trying to imprint Clarke’s words to Lexa into her memory. 

Then Raven reached into her pocket and took out the one thing she’d been holding on to for Lexa, knowing it was time she returned it to its rightful owner. 

“She would have wanted you to keep this. Or decide what you'd like to do with it.” Raven said, as she opened Lexa's palm and placed Clarke’s wedding ring there. 

Lexa closed her palm around it tight and leaned in to Raven’s shoulder, and Raven embraced her and held her as they both cried. 

After about 20 minutes, they’d both turned silent. Lexa got up from beside Raven and opened her cupboard where Clarke’s clothes still remained, folded neatly. Lexa found what she was looking for- a certain black dress, and then turned to present it to Raven. 

“You should have this.” Lexa said. 

“Oh Lexa… no” Raven said. 

“I’m serious. She would want you to have it. And we discussed this that day. You’re keeping this.” Lexa insisted. 

Raven stood up and slowly took it from Lexa, she touched the fabric gently, like she was remembering her exchange with Clarke when she’d given it to her to try on. 

“Send me a photo if you do wear it again” Lexa said. 

Raven looked up at her with an unreadable expression.

“I’m kidding,” Lexa said with a small smile. 

Raven chuckled. 

“I should be going.” Raven said finally, walking towards the door. 

“Can I come drop you off, I’ll drive you there,” Lexa offered. 

“No. Lexa. Let’s not make this harder than it needs to be.” Raven said, standing at the bedroom door. 

“Can I call you?” Lexa asked. 

Raven sadly shook her head no. Lexa could see how much it pained Raven to do this, so she didn’t push. 

“When will you be back?” Lexa finally asked, stepping closer to Raven once more. 

  
Raven was sure she would break apart any instant and give in to Lexa’s pleas. She had to go. Now. Before she could change her mind. But Lexa was standing right in front of her, and this would be the last time in a long time that they would be seeing one another, talking to one another. raven was not going to be telling Lexa her exact date of departure either. She couldn't deal with that level of goodbye. 

Raven felt a rush of emotions in that moment, and it dictated her next move. She took the last step towards Lexa and wound her arms around her neck and kissed her, passionately, with purpose, and tears, and so much hope and grief. There was sadness and love, and comfort and more love, exploding from her lips to Lexa’s. 

“Please don’t go.” Lexa whispered into her lips when they pulled apart, their foreheads staying connected.

“I’ll call you, Lexa. Please don’t try to reach me until then. I love you” Raven said finally

And then there was another kiss, a sweet brush of their lips and a suck of her lower lip, before Raven pulled away all too quickly, turned around, and hurried out of sight. 

And Lexa stood frozen, tears rolling down her cheeks, wondering why she never told Raven,  
  
“I love you too Raven Reyes, I love you too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me.   
> I promised they would be endgame, and I'll make that happen.   
> Do let me know your thoughts on this update in the comments. This update had angst, smut, and so much pain. UGH! It was hard to write. But I'd love to hear from you guys.   
> Lots of love, to all of you reading my story. 
> 
> (I would appreciate it if you would share it on your Twitter handles too. I'm @clexa_endgame47.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've resumed work guys, so I'm going to try and update on the weekends. Here you go. Hope you like it.  
> We're jumping forward in time now, so please re-read the earlier chapter if you need context.

Chapter 29:

_**3 years later** _

Lexa just got home from work, it was a Friday night and it had been such an exhausting day. She’d moved up the ladder at her firm, and was now working with bigger, more reputable clients. It was good. It brought home good money. She felt good when she won cases, cause she knew how much hard work she put into each of them. But the hard work was non-stop. And it was getting hectic. 

She put her keys in the bowl by the door, hung her coat in the closet, went into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water. She then went upstairs, dropped her laptop bag on the bed and went in for a shower. She was done in 10 minutes, and came out clad in her pajama bottoms and a baggy t-shirt. She headed back downstairs and into the kitchen, she pulled out the leftover of the bake Abby had brought over a couple of days ago and reheated it in the microwave while pouring herself a glass of wine.

She served herself a plate and put the empty dish in the sink and then took her plate and glass over to the couch. She sat down, switched her TV on and put something on, on Netflix. She didn’t care what, whatever was trending. 

She sat back, her plate in hand, and ate, watching mindlessly and unwinding. And when she was done eating, she picked her glass of wine, settled in further on the couch and sipped. She closed her eyes and laid her head back on the top of the backrest and exhaled heavily. 

She didn’t know how long she stayed that way still, and just breathing in and out slowly, but her phone buzzed and she realized she'd missed a major part of the series she was watching on her TV. 

She sighed and checked her phone, it was a text from Octavia. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow right?” the text read. 

Lexa looked at it confused. Tomorrow. What was tomorrow again? 

And then Octavia typed and sent “It’s Livvy’s birthday, remember?” 

Lexa had forgotten. She’d forgotten her god-child, Livia's birthday. 

“Of course! I’ll be there. I wouldn't miss it for the world.” Lexa replied. 

“Alright, Livvy’s excited to see you. How have you been doing? How’s work?” Octavia asked. 

“I’m alright, work’s the same. Just got home in fact. Livvy’s awake?” Lexa asked. 

“Lincoln just put her to sleep. She tired herself out today playing.” 

“Hahaha I’m sure” Lexa smiled to herself. Livia (more fondly- Livvy), Octavia and Lincoln’s daughter was a ray of sunshine in all of their lives. She was going to be 2 tomorrow. And Lexa was looking forward to seeing her tomorrow and holding her, and kissing her and cuddling her and playing with her and tickling her and listening to her sweet little laugh. 

Octavia was trying to get her to say Auntie Lexa, but Lexa wanted her to be able to simply call her Lexa. And she seemed to have picked up the 2 syllables easily. 

Lexa recalled the day she was born. She received a text from Lincoln that day at about 10 am, she was already on her way to work that day, and as soon as she’d seen the text she turned the car around and headed to the hospital. 

Once she was in the hospital premises, she texted her seniors at work saying it was a family emergency and she wouldn’t be in today and rushed up to the floor she knew Lincoln and Octavia were on. 

She’d reached when Octavia was already in labour and so she waited outside patiently until a nurse came out and told her both mother and daughter are well, and she could go in and see them if she’d like. 

Lexa’s heart filled with a joy she didn’t know she could feel ever since… well, ever since then. She stood at the doorway to the room, watching Lincoln coo at the tiny human being in Octavia’s arms, A tear fell from Octavia’s eyes. She looked tired, but oh so happy, she had eyes only for her little one. 

Lexa took her phone out and quickly captured that moment, the new parents to be hadn’t even realized they had company until they heard a click of the camera. 

“Lexa!” Octavia exclaimed with joy and Lexa walked in and went to the other side of the bed. She reached over and softly squeezed Octavia’s arm in comfort and looked over at her little one. 

“She’s beautiful!” Lexa said, as she softy touched the little baby’s head, caressing her skin and lightly moving her thumb along her soft hair. 

Lexa had tears in her eyes, the energy in the room was something unexplainable. 

Lincoln’s phone began to ring and he looked at the ID and smiled and said “It’s Raven!” 

“Put her on!” Octavia said. 

Lexa sat down on the little space on the bed, angling herself to face Octavia. Her knees felt weak, and her heart was pounding, and she didn’t want to acknowledge how her heart suddenly felt empty the minute Raven’s name was taken. ‘This is their day. This is Octavia and Lincoln’s day. Be here. Be present. Don’t lose yourself to your thoughts’ she told herself. 

And then she heard Raven’s voice. 

“LINCOLN! SHOW ME HER FACE!” Raven’s excited voice over the video call called out. Lincoln laughed and sat right beside Octavia, letting Octavi and their little baby into his frame. 

“Hey Rae..” Octavia said 

“Hey mommy! Congratulations! OMG she’s adorable!” Raven said. And Lexa smiled. Because even though she hadn’t figured out how to react to anything to do with Raven these days, she’d missed their friendship. The friendship the 4 of them shared- Raven, Octavia, Clarke, and her. 

“I’m glad you’re both here.” Octavia said then, looking towards Lexa. and Raven must have only then noted Lexa was in the room with them. Lincoln made to turn the camera to maybe let Lexa say hi, but Lexa softly nodded no and brushed it off. Octavia spoke quickly. 

“We’re naming her 'Livia'” Octavia said. 

“That's a beautiful name” came Raven’s voice. Raven sounded so happy. Lexa wanted to see her, she really did. But Raven’s instructions had been clear when she left, “I’ll call you, Lexa. Please don’t try to reach me until then.” 

She had said before leaving Lexa to her own demons. 

“Yea, Livvy’s just… perfect. It's mix of your names isn't it?” Lexa added, reaching out once more and softly caressing the little girl’s head. 

“yea, kinda cheesy, I know" Octavia said with a chuckle. but then continued "Lexa, we want you to be her god-mother, if you’ll accept,” Octavia said. And Lexa looked up at her blankly, and then to Lincoln, who was also beaming with joy but looking at her expectantly. 

“You’re serious?” Lexa asked. 

“We are.” Lincoln said. 

“I don’t know if I’m the kind of role model you’d want for…” Lexa began. 

“No. You’re exactly what little Livvy will need. A woman of strength and passion to look up to. We already discussed this.” Octavia said, nodding towards Lincoln. 

“Maybe Raven would be a better…” Lexa began. She couldn’t help but feel, she was so wrong for this role. Especially after the way she’d chosen to handle her grief after Clarke. After Clarke. But no one in this room aside for the presence on the call knew anything about that. 

“We spoke to Raven. About our decision to ask you to be her godmother, she too agreed, there’s no one stronger, reliable, and more inspiring than you” Lincoln said. 

Lexa shivered. Had Raven said those things about her. Did Raven believe those things about her? 

Lexa was silent, looking between Lincoln and Octavia and then at the little baby before her. 

“I’m not in a very good place right now, O.” Lexa said softly, not wanting Raven to hear, but needing to be as truthful with Octavia as possible right now. She'd been drinking. and grieving, and been in such a sad state really. Octavia was aware of that. Why would she choose this? 

Octavia reached out and put a hand on Lexa’s and said. 

“You don’t have to be. You just lost your wife, Lexa. But all of us here believe you’ll come out of this strong and I want Livvy to grow up with an influence like yours. There’s so much she can learn from you.” Octavia explained sweetly. 

Lexa wiped a tear that rolled down her cheek. She’d never been responsible for a little human being like this. And Octavia was offering her a chance to be the next closest thing Livvy would have to her parents. A god-mother. Lexa didn’t know what she felt in that moment. She thought about those few times she and Clarke had discussed having children. She thought about envisioning a little toddler with bright blue eyes and blonde hair. She’d thought about how Raven was going to be their little one’s god-mother, had they ever gotten around to having their own child. 

Her friends were looking at her now with so much anticipation. They wanted her to say yes, they believed she would make the perfect role model for their little girl. And what really stood out, was that after everything, Raven believed it too. 

“Clarke would have seen it this way too...” came Raven’s voice from the phone, wanting to show her support for Octavia and Lincoln's choice. 

“I agree.” said Lincoln “There’s no one I’d trust more.” 

“Hey!” Raven said in offense, and all of them chuckled at that, including Lexa who wiped a tear rolling down her cheek again. 

Lexa finally nodded, “Yes, okay, I’ll do it.” she said, and smiled warmly. “I’ll be your little girl's god-mother” Lexa said. 

Octavia smiled wide, and they heard Raven do a hurrah from the phone in Lincoln’s hand and Lexa leaned in and over the little baby’s head and kissed her softly. 

“Livvy,” she whispered “I’m going to spoil you!” 

Octavia laughed out loud and Lincoln leaned in and kissed his wife. 

  
It was 2 years now since that day, and Lexa had done her best to be Livvy’s escape from her parents. 

She did keep her word and spoiled her with toys and gifts and unnecessary treats and Octavia and Lincoln often joked that maybe they picked the wrong friend, but it was always in jest and they truly loved when Livvy was in Lexa’s company. Lexa seemed to always bring out so much joy in her. Lexa couldn’t believe she’d let this week’s work make her forget the date completely. She quickly decided she needed to go to the gift shop tomorrow morning before heading to Octavia’s and Lincoln's for lunch. And later that evening, the whole bunch of them will be over. Bellamy, Echo, Murphy, Emori, even Abby was coming over. 

From the very first time Abby had carried Livvy in her arms, everyone saw it in that moment, Abby was like a grandma-figure for the little one, and Abby herself looked on at her with so much love and affection, it was almost like she’d accepted Livvy as her own grandchild.

  
When Lexa went over the next day at noon, Little Livvy wobbled over into her open arms and Lexa embraced her and carried her up and showered her face with kisses. 

“Happy birthday, munchkin!” Lexa said as she snuggled the little one close to her heart. 

“Leksa!” the little one mumbled into her clothes. 

“She’s been calling out your name ever since we entered her room today and called out to her from over her cradle,” Lincoln said as he shut the door behind her and Octavia came over to greet Lexa. 

Lexa laughed “Really, now.” she said 

“Yea, like we literally wished her Happy birthday and she responded with ‘Leksa’” Octavia said. 

Lexa laughed and then looked at Livvy and said “You missed me huh? You missed me?” 

Livvy laughed at her silly faces and pinched her nose with her tiny little hand. 

“Come on, I got you some gifts!” Lexa told her and carried her into the living room. Little Livvy clapped joyfully as she tried to repeat the word ‘gifts’ but ended up mumbling something nonsensical. Her auntie Lexa always brought her gifts whenever she came over and she absolutely loved them. 

Once Livvy got hold of her new toys, nothing could distract her from them, Lexa played with her on the floor of the living room for hours, not realizing how time flew by. 


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30:   
  
When it was time for lunch, Octavia ate while Lexa held Livvy sitting on her lap and Lincoln took up the task of feeding her, an animated anecdote with every spoonful that he brought to her mouth. 

Lexa laughed at Lincoln’s antics. He made a good father. 

“Ugh! I don’t know what we would have done if you hadn’ come over.” Octavia said with a sigh. “We had to decorate the place and someone needed to be keeping Livvy entertained,” Octavia said. 

“Oh, it’s nothing. I couldn’t wait to see her today. My little munchkin!” Lexa said with a smile and leaned in to kiss Livvy on her head. 

There was a comfortable silence then as Livvy ate the last of her food, and Lincoln said he’s serving himself and Lexa a plate and Octavia will take Livvy and burp her and walk her around until she sleeps. She needed an afternoon nap, otherwise, she would be cranky in the evening. 

When Lincoln went to the kitchen, Octavia suddenly said “I can’t believe she’s two already.” 

“She’s growing up fast.” Lexa said, ruffling her hand through Livvy’s soft wavy hair. 

“Seems like just yesterday we were in that hospital room, having held her for the first time” Octavia said. 

Lexa chuckled, it was a beautiful memory alright. 

“I was so unsure then,” Lexa said, looking up at Octavia “But I gotta say O, having Livvy to look out for, it’s made me more… I don’t know, I don’t know how to explain it, it’s helped me… with everything… I felt like I had something to be better for…So, Thank you.”

Octavia smiled and came over and hugged Lexa tight. 

“With or without Livvy, you would have persevered. For all of us.” Octavia said, rubbing her back soothingly. 

“I wish Clarke were here, to celebrate this day with you, Raven too.” Lexa said, and Octavia pulled back to hold Lexa’s hand and rub circles into her skin comfortingly. 

“Clarke’s here… she’s always with us, you know that” Octavia comforted. And Lexa smiled warmly. It had taken her a while, but she was finally in a place when she could talk about Clarke’s death and not be completely torn apart by the fact that she was gone. Time had helped to ease the pain, and it was easier now. She was able to look at what happened from the outside, like a spectator and not feel like she was right there, like she was in that car with Clarke, like she watched her slip from her life. Time alone had helped her. Octavia and Lincoln had helped her. Livvy had helped her. And Raven. Raven had helped her. By walking out when it got messy, by drawing a line for them, by making sure their Clarke was honored the way she needed to be. 

Lexa sighed. It had been 3 years now. 

“Waven” Livvy mumbled and Octavia laughed, Lexa laughed too, and Lincoln walked back into the room with 2 plates of food in his hand and said, “Livvy, your auntie Raven will be here later okay, promise me you’ll say that to her when she’s here?” 

“Waven” Livvy replied. 

“Lincoln!” Octavia scolded. And then Octavia looked towards Lexa who was frozen in her seat. Unmoving and staring at the floor. 

Octavia quickly scooted closer and put her hand on Lexa’s knee. 

“Hey…” 

“Raven’s here? She’s coming over this evening? She’s in town?” Lexa asked. Still not looking directly up at any of them, fidgeting with her own fingers. 

“Shit, sorry. I forgot.” Lincoln said, standing frozen in his track. 

“Lex, she’s in town. But she asked us not to mention it to anyone” Octavia said softly, “I don’t know why though.” 

Lexa stayed silent. “Okay. She's only visiting is it? When did she arrive?” Lexa asked 

“Last week. And no, she told me she’s back for good.” Octavia finally said, softly. 

Lexa looked up at her, and then nodded. She took her time to let this information sink in. 

“Okay, ummm, I need a minute…” she said as she got up from the couch

“Leksa” Livvy called out. 

Lexa quickly walked back and kissed Livvy over the head and said “Be right back, munchkin.” and she went over to their balcony, that looked over the street. 

  
“Raven! Lincoln and I were talking with Lexa and he may have let it slip that you’re in town” Octavia quickly texted Raven. 

“WHAT! UGH! No! What did she say? How did she react?” Raven replied. 

“I don’t know. She was hard to read. She said she needed a minute and she went over to the balcony.” Octavia replied. 

“Oh my god, she probably thinks I didn’t want her to know.” Raven replied. 

“But why didn’t you want us to mention it? Why didn’t you mention it yourself, you’ve been back a week, why haven’t you texted her?” Octavia asked. Octavia still didn’t know much about why the two of them weren’t talking, and so she almost always had so many questions for Raven. 

“I needed some time to figure out how to approach her O, and I planned on surprising her tonight, I thought it would make her happy, but I wasn't sure. And with what’s happened now, I don’t think she’ll want to see me at all.” Raven replied. 

“You’re not ditching Livvy’s party, Rae. And I don’t know what happened between you and Lexa 3 years ago, but I'm tired of this tension between you two. Be here tonight and talk it out with her. Make things right, both of you.” 

“I’ll try. But it’s not that easy O, I wish I could just tell you why. Also, Please punch Lincoln in the face for me.” Raven replied, 

“I wish you could tell me too. It would make navigating all of this so much easier. Anyway yes, don’t worry about Lincoln, he’ll hear it from me later. Love you, be here soon. Livvy can’t wait to meet you. :)” 

“I can’t wait to meet her too, all of you. I’ve missed you :’)” Raven replied. 

  
Out on the balcony, Lexa was box-breathing. Really just trying to get herself to calm down. Raven was in town. Had been in town for a week now. And hadn’t called her. 

They’d stayed away from one another for 3 years now, no calls, no texts, absolutely no updates from Octavia about her, and Lexa always felt it wrong to ask. And now Raven was back for good, and she still didn’t want to reconnect with Lexa. 

Lexa inhaled deeply and exhaled deeply. It didn’t have to mean anything right? Except, it meant everything. It meant Raven still wanted her time. It meant Raven still despised her for what they did, for what they’d become in that month and a half after Clarke passed away, it meant Raven did not want Lexa near her. 

And given all the time that’s past, maybe she was planning on that never changing. Lexa took another deep breath, she was here for Livvy. Raven would come over tonight for Livvy. Today was Livvy’s day and they would celebrate her and Lexa would keep out of Raven’s way. And then they’d both go back to their homes and act like they hadn’t seen one another today. Simple. Lexa could do that. She could do this much today. 

Truth was, Lexa thought about it often. She hadn’t forgotten the feeling of Raven’s affection. Of Raven’s soft gaze, her humour, her voice, her touch, her kisses and her caresses, her whispers in the sheets and her nose nuzzling against Lexa’s skin. Lexa hadn’t forgotten. She’d tried. She’d tried to erase the memories. She really did. But she couldn’t. She was convinced now, that maybe then she’d been grieving, and handling the grief all wrong.

But she knew now, that the grief of losing Clarke had gotten easier to bear, but the loss of Raven was a sore spot on her heart that she didn’t know how to heal, because (and this was something she admitted to herself just about 5 months ago) she truly had fallen in love with Raven Reyes. 

And that’s why this was only more difficult now. Because Raven Reyes was back in her life, but wanted nothing to do with it, while she had fallen madly in love with her. 

It was 7.45 pm when the doorbell rang once again. Every time it rang, Lexa found herself holding her breath. She didn’t know what she was going to feel when her eyes would find Raven in the room. Any moment now she’d arrive. And Lexa was not mentally prepared for a gaze of disgust or anger or hatred, or anything other than love from Raven’s eyes. 

“Raven!” Lexa was standing by the couch in the living room when she heard Octavia exclaim her name from the doorway, and then everyone in the living room rushed nearer there to also welcome their dear friend back, but something in Lexa shifted in that moment. She couldn’t bring herself to join them. She watched as the crowd gathered around a figure and she couldn't take a step in that direction. She was not ready for this reunion. Not here. Not in front of everyone. 

  
Raven hadn’t let herself accept just how much she missed home, and by home, she meant the company of her dearest friends, until she was welcomed with warm hugs and kisses in the doorway. But all the while that she made small talk and hugged her friends and moved further into the house with them, her eyes kept wandering around to find the one person who’d lived rent-free in her mind the last 3 years. 

But she couldn’t spot her. And the sadness hit her like a huge wave. 

“Someone’s been waiting for you...” Lincoln said as he approached Raven with little Livvy in his arms. 

Raven allowed herself to forget her sorrow for a moment as she focused entirely on the second most important person she’d been waiting to see ever since she got back. 

“Oh, baby Livvy!” Raven said as she reached out and caressed the little girls face, 

“Hi there, Livia, Happy Birthday!” Raven cooed at her, and leaned in to kiss her forehead, “You’re just the prettiest little baby I've ever seen,” Raven said. Livvy seemed expressionless at first until Octavia came close and took her from Lincoln and said, “Livvy baby, meet Auntie Raven.”

And Livvy looked at her mom, and then back at Raven, and she seemed to be studying her features. Raven was standing close enough for Livvy to reach out and place her hand on Raven's nose. Raven chuckled. 

“She’s your auntie Raven, baby” Octavia tried to tell her again. 

“Waven” Livvy finally mumbled and then smiled. Raven laughed, even with tears in her eyes. 

“OH baby! When did you learn to say that?!” Raven leaned in and kissed her head again. “Can I hold you, please?” Raven said to the little one and then looked at Octavia “Can I hold her please?” she asked. 

Octavia nodded and then looked at Livvy and said “You want to go to auntie Raven?” 

Livvy was already jumping out of Octavia’s arms and reaching out towards Raven’s and they laughed as the little girl got comfortable in Raven's embrace. 

Raven held her close and chuckled, she leaned over and kissed her head once more, and this time when she inhaled that beautiful scent of all things ‘baby’ she recognized another very peculiar scent. Lexa. 

It almost shocked Raven for a moment, not just the scent, but the fact that she could remember such a nuance of Lexa. It wasn’t like some particular body mist or something, it was just… she couldn’t put a finger on it, but it brought back memories of being wrapped up in Lexa through the night. 

It brought tears to her eyes, and she could have sworn in that moment, she saw someone in her peripheral vision gazing at her. She quickly turned in that direction and looked, but saw only a glimpse of someone disappearing into the kitchen. 

She looked back at Octavia and said softly “is she here? Lexa?” Raven asked. 

“Leksa!” Livvy said loudly and it warmed Raven’s heart, the way Livvy mumbled her name with so much love. Octavia chuckled and caressed her little girl’s head. 

“Yea, she was right here before you entered. I think she must be in the kitchen or the bathroom, or maybe on a phone call or something in the balcony? I don’t know” Octavia said, distracted by her little girls sudden distress. 

“LEKSA?” Livvy was looking around now and she seemed to notice that her god-mother wasn’t around, she got restless in Raven’s arms. 

“Mama, LEKSA?” she mumbled, a pout forming on her lips, and her eyes getting teary. 

“Oh my god, it’s okay baby, she must be around here somewhere, she’ll be right back… I'm sure” Octavia tried to offer comfort to her little one, placing her hand on her small back, and Raven tried rocking her a bit in her arms, trying to cheer her up. 

“There’s my little munchkin” came Lexa’s voice from the kitchen, Raven turned towards it and felt a shiver run through her spine. 

There she was. Lexa. Clarke’s Lexa. Her friend, Lexa. Her ‘ex-something’ Lexa. 


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 31:

Raven’s heart filled with joy for a second at the sight of Lexa walking towards them, Livvy had turned quiet and was back to her happy mood, already trying to jump out of Raven’s arms and towards Lexa. 

Raven’s joy was short-lived though, because once Lexa was within 5 ft of her, she realized Lexa hadn’t looked at her directly yet. She wasn’t making direct eye contact with her, and that seemed to have caused an uproar of emotions in Raven. 

Livvy moved easily into Lexa’s arms and Lexa kissed the little girl's forehead just the way Raven had, and she was calm as ever in Lexa's arms again. 

“Hi” Raven said to Lexa, who was talking to Livvy about cake and strawberries and in some language that only they seemed to understand. 

“Lexa…” Raven tried again to get her attention. This time, Lexa did look up at her. Straight into her eyes. And the gaze was intense. But there was no joy, just... nothing. Maybe some sadness. And Raven wondered if she’d done the wrong thing by actually turning up here today. 

“Hi” Lexa said back to her. 

“Lexa, can we…” Raven tried once more.

“Well now that everyone’s here, how about we cut Livvy’s cake?” Lexa asked, looking towrads Octavia and Lincoln. 

“Yes, let's please.” Octavia said, rushing with Emori into the kitchen to get the cake. 

Raven took the opportunity again to talk to Lexa, “Lexa please, can we talk?” 

“Not now. I can’t… I don't want… Just not now, okay?” Lexa finally said. And this time, Raven saw something else in her eyes, grief. 

She recognized that look. It wasn’t as fresh as when Clarke had passed, but it was there. And there was anger. And she knew exactly why that anger was directed at her. She’d wait, she’d be patient. After all, she had made Lexa be patient. For 3 years. With no communication in between. 

She’d thought about whether that decision had been cruel. But even if it was, it was cruel to them both. And Raven had made that decision for both of them. For their own good. Right? 

Raven sighed heavily, and tried to just be present. Here. For Livvy. For their friends. Soon enough Abby came and stood beside her and gave her a side hug, talked with her about her time back here now, and what plans she had now. She’d been in touch with Abby while she was in DC. And as curious as she was, she limited her queries about Lexa’s well-being to Octavia. She knew Abby was very much in touch with Lexa the entire time, and if she wanted, she could have asked Abby how Lexa was whenever they did talk, but it felt intrusive. It felt like it defeated the purpose entirely, no matter how badly she wanted to know how Lexa was doing. 

The cake was cut, Octavia and Lincoln were kneeling by the cake with Livvy in their arms, holding the knife for her and she clapped and giggled as everyone sang the birthday song for her. Lexa was clicking photos on her phone, of the happy family. And then Lincoln called her forward and asked Murphy to click all of them. Raven couldn’t help but smile, her heart filled with love looking at the sight before her and then she caught Lexa’s gaze. Lexa was saying something. 

“Raven, join us.” she said, and Abby was pushing her forward too. 

“WAVEN!” Livvy said excitedly.

Raven wanted to wave it off, saying it’s okay, their family picture was complete already but it was Lexa. Lexa asked her to join them. She couldn’t deny Lexa. and so she stood beside Lexa, the closest she’d stood in years now, and almost fainted at the feeling, the proximity, the warmth she felt being in her presence again. No one else would have noticed, but when Lexa’s arm came around her waist to bring her closer for the photo, Raven found she forgot to breathe. 

And as soon as the photo was clicked, Lexa took her hand away and walked off, saying something about needing to be excused for a moment. 

Raven watched her go towards the balcony doors and once the happy parents and Livvy had begun cutting the cake into portions for everyone, and when she was sure no one would notice, she followed Lexa.

Lexa stood looking out at the street, it was quiet tonight out here. And inside, it was loud. And further inside- her head- it was a cacophony of thoughts, she needed to get out here and attempt to slow them down, to get a grip of her emotions and her thoughts altogether. 

When she had found the courage in herself tonight to peek out of the kitchen and look at Raven, she could have sworn her heart skipped a beat for a second. 

Raven looked like... Raven. Her hair was let down tonight, some of it clipped to the side above her ear, not in her usual casual ponytail, she was wearing jeans and a cold shoulder top, she had lipstick on, light make-up. She looked wonderful, as always. 

But Lexa also noticed her hair was shorter, she got new highlights, she seemed slimmer maybe? She couldn’t tell… 3 years was long right, there was bound to be differences. 

And then Lexa had allowed herself to see Raven with Livvy. Raven had only eyes of love for her. Livvy was excited to see her. And Raven was moved to hold her. The scene really brought a new wave of love to Lexa. A hint of possessiveness too but she didn’t want to ponder on it much. She noticed Raven’s demeanor change and she saw her lips mouthing the word ‘Lexa’ to Octavia and Lexa quickly hid in that moment, 

But then she heard Livvy call out her name. Livvy was looking for her, and she didn’t want Livvy to be upset. Not today, not ever, so she took a deep breath and decided, she could do this. 

She didn’t overthink it until she was 5 ft away from Raven and she could feel Raven’s heavy, expectant gaze on her. But she couldn’t bring herself to look at Raven. 

Raven had been here for a week now, and had not called. Raven didn’t want to reconnect with her. And she would respect that. As much as it saddened her, angered her, broke her. 

But then she’d looked up into Raven’s eyes and something moved within her. There was a longing in her eyes, a pleading. And Lexa did not know how to receive that right now, she was all sorts of confused. But she brought her focus back to Livvy, carried her in her arms, and as she’d done for the last 2 years, allowed herself to do the one thing she’d done right in all of this, be here for Livvy. 

She doesn't know what made her call Raven when they were clicking that photo. But not having Clarke there was already like a missing piece. She couldn’t bear to have this memory saved in a photo for Livvy, without Raven in the frame too, when all the while she was right there in the same room with them. Raven deserved to be right there with them in that huddle for a photo, that’s why she had called her on. 

She didn’t know it would affect her this much. Touching Raven. Being that close to her. And now here she was, needing some space, a breather, a moment by herself to calm her racing heart down. 

“I’m sorry” came Raven’s voice from behind her. 

Lexa turned around and saw Raven standing there, on the balcony with her. 

“What are you doing here? We should go back, Livvy…” Lexa began

“She’s fine” Raven said and after a pause, she added “She’s… beautiful… you’re so good with her you know?… we always knew you’d be so good with her.” Raven said with a soft smile. 

Lexa stayed quiet. 

“Lexa, I’m sorry.” Raven said again

“For what?” Lexa asked. 

“I meant to call you…” Raven began 

“But you didn’t” Lexa said firmly, now looking up at Raven. 

“I was going to…” Raven said 

“But you didn’t, did you, Raven? That’s what matters.” Lexa snapped, she sounded so angry,

“No, Lexa, you don’t understand…” 

“What’s there to not understand, you told me you’d call me, I waited. Weeks at first, then that turned into months. And before I knew it, we’d gone three years with no contact. What was I supposed to make of that Raven?” Lexa let it all out. 

“We needed time…” Raven sounded like she was breaking apart all over again. 

“I know. I just didn’t think time meant 3 whole years for you.” Lexa said, turning back around and looking out over the street, not wanting Raven to see her break. “I lost my friend, Raven.” 

And even though Raven had known a long time now, she’d robbed them of their friendship when she’d walked away from this, she understood the grief she saw in Lexa’s eyes today, now. She did that. That grief wasn't just Clarke. That grief was 3 years of not having her friend here with her. 

“Lexa, listen…” Raven took a step forward, and just then the balcony door opened and Murphy peeked in. 

“Hey, ummm sorry to interrupt you guys, but I think Octavia needs some help, she asked me to come get you two…” 

“We’ll be right there.” Lexa said for the both of them. And once Murphy was gone, Lexa turned and walked past Raven towards the door. 

“Wait, Lexa, can we please talk later… I just have to explain…” 

Lexa paused, and the wait nearly drove Raven insane. But she saw a slight nod and then Lexa said “yea, fine” and walked out. 

It was 11 pm now, and everyone except for Lexa and Raven had left. They stayed back to help clear up and once that was done too, they knew an awkward conversation awaited them. 

Raven said goodbye to Lincoln and Octavia and then carried Livvy in her arms and kissed her goodbye. Something about the sight made Lexa feel warm inside, but she quickly pushed the feeling away. 

She said goodbye too, and even though it always upset Livvy a great deal to say goodbye to her, she would calm the little one down by nuzzling her nose into her skin and softly promising her she would come see her soon again with more gifts and more cuddles. 

They got off the elevator and Lexa asked Raven, “Did you call a cab?” 

Lexa wasn't sure where Raven was staying. But even with everything unsaid between them, she would want Raven to get back safely on her own. 

“Yes, it should be here any moment,” Raven said. 

“Okay” Lexa looked around awkwardly and then thought about how stupid she was being. 

“I brought my car, I could drop you off if you want.” she offered then. 

Raven looked unsure and Lexa didn’t know how to feel about that 

“Would that be okay with you?” Raven asked. They were tip-toeing around one another this way, unsure of where they stood in each other's lives anymore. 

“Yea, I mean, I wouldn’t have asked if it wasn’t,” Lexa said with a shrug. 

So Raven nodded and then walked with Lexa to her car. 

Once they were in, Raven told Lexa the hotel she was at. And she drove them. 

The journey was going to be about 20 minutes in total. Of that, 15 minutes went in complete silence. But the tension in the car was heavy, and both of them could feel it. It was like, at any moment, one of them would break. And that’s just what happened. 

“Are you not ready to… be near me again?” Lexa asked. 

“What? No.” Raven said, angling herself to face Lexa better. 

“You've been here for a week, I heard. Why didn’t you call?” 

Raven sighed. “I knew how this would look, that’s why I asked O and Lincoln not to mention it to you until I made contact with you directly!” 

“I don’t understand,” Lexa said. 

Raven stayed silent. They were reaching the hotel. Like 2 minutes away. 

“Lexa, I want to explain, please, if you could stay for a while, come upstairs and let’s talk...please...” 

Lexa stopped the car outside the hotel and allowed herself a moment to think. Raven did sound so desperate, and maybe talking to her would help her accept things, no matter which direction this was leading to. 

“Okay” Lexa said, and the relief that Raven felt was too apparent. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, everyone for reading this update.   
> what would you like to see them talk about in the next scene? Do leave me your thoughts in the comments. I really enjoy reading what you guys think. 
> 
> I'm hoping to update a chapter mid-week, but definitely a larger update on the weekend. 
> 
> My close friend has been writing a Clexa AU, It's her first story ever and she's killing it so far. If you guys would like to read that, it's called This feels like more by mally09. Check it out and tell I sent you :P


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you for your comments. Here's a new update, enjoy.

Chapter 32

When she entered Raven’s hotel room she felt she needed to ask, “How long are you planning on staying here?” 

“Lexa, I'm back for good, I'm not going back to DC.” Raven replied as she opened the door to her hotel room. 

“No. I mean, yes Octavia told me that. What I meant was... this hotel room...” 

“Oh” Raven said, walking in, leading Lexa in too. “Ummm, until I find a place I guess.” she said with uncertainty. 

Lexa wanted to offer. That place had been home to them. She wanted to let Raven know that it still was. Raven could come back.   
But she held back, they had lost 3 years between them. She expected there would be a lot of words between them before getting to that conversation. 

“I had room service bring wine over a couple of nights ago, would you like some?” Raven asked, awkwardly. 

“Would I need some?” Lexa asked and Raven shifted her weight on her other foot. 

“I don’t know,” Raven said. “I know I need some.” she said. 

“Okay I’ll have a glass. But nothing more, I have to drive home” Lexa said, and then regretted saying it that way. She hadn’t intended to make it seem like she was making her intentions so apparent. That she wouldn’t be staying over. But it sounded like that now and she wouldn’t take it back. 

“No, yea. Of Course, I know. I wasn’t insinuating…” Raven was stuttering. 

Lexa nodded. Why was this so difficult? Conversations with Raven used to be easy. 

They were finally seated on the couch and after talking about Raven’s flight, what she’d been up to the last week, and her job in DC, a silence fell between them. 

“So how have you been? Since… well, since I left?” Raven asked. 

“It was… difficult, Rae.” Lexa said.   
  
Raven nodded, looking sad. 

“I uh… I went back to my bedroom that night to sleep, the night you left, and swore that I was going to try each night. To just be there. Sleep with whatever emotions I was feeling…” Lexa said. 

Raven thought of reaching out to hold Lexa’s hand. But she wasn’t sure yet how Lexa would receive it.   
“I cried myself to sleep those first few weeks, eventually I got used to sleeping alone.” 

Raven nodded, pensively. 

“I finally got around to giving Clarke’s stuff away. Most of it at least” Lexa said. 

Raven smiled softly. “Did you need help?” 

“Yea, O came over and helped out. She knew I needed someone.” 

Raven was glad Octavia was there for her. 

“Octavia’s been… she’s been wonderful. I owe so much to her. And more so, after they brought Livvy into my life.” Lexa smiled as she said it. 

“Livvy’s everything I expected her to be and more.” Raven said proudly. 

“She’s an angel. I think she’s the angel I needed” Lexa said. 

“You seem happy around her.” Raven said. 

“I am.” Lexa said with a chuckle. “I don’t know what drove you guys to think about making me the god-mother. But it worked out for the best i think. I can’t imagine my life without that little munchkin. And she means the world to O and Lincoln. I keep thinking about how Clarke would have made the perfect god-mother too. 

“She would. Both of you would have made a great pair” Raven said and then looked down at Lexa’s hands. She didn’t mean to, but her gaze fell upon the ring on Lexa’s hand and Lexa saw her look at it. Raven cleared her throat and tried to be nonchalant about it. 

“I put it back on sometimes… just for social gatherings...” Lexa explained. 

“You don’t need to explain it to me…” Raven said. 

“I know. It’s just… I don’t want anyone approaching me with any idea of…” Lexa said. 

“Yea no, that makes sense.” Raven said. 

“Abby had a conversation with me once, it was awkward” Lexa laughed 

“About moving on?” 

“Yea, she said Clarke would want me to find happiness again.” Lexa said, looking down at her ring and twisting it on her finger. 

They both remained silent after this. Raven was feeling a little uneasy and Lexa seemed to be quite uncomfortable too. 

Raven finally built up the courage to say, “I thought about calling you, each day since I left.” 

She paused, watching Lexa intently. Lexa shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Her entire demeanor seemed to change. She sat up straighter, she looked ahead, and her eyes became unreadable. A defense maybe? Raven didn’t want to conclude. 

“I did, Lexa. I went away to put some space between us, because I fell in love with you.” 

The words seemed to hurt Lexa again, and Raven hated herself for it. Maybe Lexa hated her. 

“You know why I did it. You know why we couldn’t do that. Not then. Not when Clarke…” Raven said.

“I know.” Lexa replied. And looked up at Raven who seemed to already have a few tears rolling down her cheeks. 

“I kept myself busy, drowned myself in work, made a couple of friends at work and would hang out with them on the weekends” 

She reached over and placed her hand on Lexa's knee carefully, and Lexa visibly shivered. Trembled? Raven couldn’t tell. Okay so bad idea. She brought her hand back immediately. She didn’t want to make Lexa uncomfortable. 

“I missed you. A lot.” said Raven. There was sincerity in her voice. So much that Lexa almost broke with the weight of it. 

“You don’t get to say that!” Lexa said firmy, with bitterness. 

“It is the truth, Lexa” Raven replied. 

“Then you could have just come home.” Lexa said. 

“I couldn’t, Lex” 

“Why not?” Lexa raised her voice. 

“Are you not listening to me? I was in love with you!” she hated herself for lying with that use of the past tense. Truth was, she was still so very in love with Lexa. But how could she explain that even after keeping them apart this long, she hadn’t achieved what she’d set out to do. 

“Did it work then?” Lexa asked. 

Raven was silent. 

“Did it work, did you fall out of love for me?” Lexa asked, her voice raised a couple of pitches now. 

“The distance… it was… meant to help us both…” Raven stammered. 

“Did it help you? Did it help you reach a place you wanted?!” Lexa asked again, 

Raven found she couldn’t answer. 

“What am I doing here, Raven? What did you want to explain to ME? Lexa seemed frustrated 

“I… I just think we need to talk…” 

“Why didn’t you call when you got here, Raven?!” Lexa got straight to the point. 

“I wanted to surprise you, I thought you’d be happy to see me.” 

“I AM happy to see you Raven. Don’t get me wrong.” Lexa stated, looking into Raven’s eyes with a look intense enough to shift something in Raven. “But don’t you think you’ve been quite selfish in all of this?” 

“Selfish?” Raven looked shocked. 

“Yes. YOU decided to walk out of my life and keep me at bay for 3 years. And I went with it. Because I saw reason then. But now you’re back, cause YOU want to be, cause YOU think it’s been long enough, cause YOU want to be back in my life again” 

Raven stared, confused, but sad “I’m sorry, I didn’t…” 

“You didn’t think of it that way, no, all you thought about was you’ve had enough time away, and now you wanted to be back...” 

“Lexa…” Raven was starting to feel really horrible. 

“You DON’T get to keep deciding what’s good for me and what’s not good for me Raven. This is my life too. I was affected too!” 

Raven looked pensive and helpless, she never thought of it that way. And that in itself proved how selfish she truly had been. She spoke, “I don’t want to do anything that will hurt you further, Lexa. So if you need me to stay out of your life longer, I will. Just say it.” 

Lexa sighed and turned away. That wasn’t what she wanted deep down. But her feelings were all confused and Raven was back, and she was still so in love with her, and she didn’t know if she was still trying to fall out of love with her, but she wanted to embrace her, and kiss her, and tell her they would find a way to make it work, but she couldn’t. Not now. Not when she was so conflicted. 

“You didn’t call” Lexa said, and Raven heard the way her voice broke, like she was crying through the anger, “I thought...that you’re not okay with us… yet…” 

“No. I didn’t call because I was working up the courage to see you again, and when my surprise got ruined, I got even more worried about what you must have concluded from that, and so I needed to see you even more urgently...” 

Lexa nodded. 

“I realize now, how selfish that is of me… I didn’t think then…” Raven said, standing up, wanting to approach Lexa carefully 

“I need you to say it Lexa, if you want me to stay away, if you still need time…” Raven asked

“Raven, why did you come back...?” Lexa finally said, sounding tired.

Raven trembled at the sound of those words 

“Lexa… you can’t possibly mean you didn’t expect to ever see me..” Raven said carefully. 

“No, I knew you’d come back, even though I was losing hope, but I want to know what it is you want from me now… what are we… what are we doing now?” Lexa said, wanting to be done with this conversation. 

“We’re friends. I want us to be friends...” Raven said hurriedly. “To go back to what we once were” 

Lexa took a deep breath, gathering her thoughts for a second and then back at Raven and nodded. 

“Are you okay with that Lexa, do you need time?” Raven asked. 

“I need some time to think, Rae....” she said, nodding her head. “We were always friends. Things got… messy in between...” 

Raven’s eyes brimmed with tears. “I know… I’ll wait. However long you still need, I’ll stay out of your way until then...”

Lexa quickly turned around and said “I won’t take years. I just...I don’t mean.. I don’t mean you should go far away again… just give me a couple of days to process this, you’re back. You’re here. And I didn’t know. And now I’m just supposed to be okay with it? With everything? ” 

“I won’t leave. I’ll be here. And whenever you decide, I'll learn to deal.” Raven assured. 

After a moment’s pause, 

“It’s late, I should go” Lexa said after a sigh and she stood up. 

“You could…” 

“No. Uh, I need to get home.” Lexa said quickly before Raven could offer. 

“Yea. right. Okay.” Raven said. 

Lexa walked to the door, and Raven followed. 

“I’ll wait to hear back from you...” Raven said. 

“I’ll text you.” Lexa said. 

When Lexa left, Raven went in for a shower, and as the water trickled down her body she allowed herself to feel everything she had been denying herself from feeling all evening. 

She loved Lexa. She was in love with Lexa. Even after 3 years of trying to fall out of it, today was a reminder that she was far too deep to even think she was over it. She still cared, and she still wanted, and she still needed Lexa. 

But she couldn’t do that to her now. She couldn't just waltz back into Lexa’s life after 3 years and tell her it was for nothing. That was cruel and insensitive. Raven took 3 years away from them, just like that. 

And Lexa, maybe Lexa had moved on from whatever they had become then. Maybe Lexa was in a better place now. Maybe she wanted nothing but a friendship. If Lexa wanted more, she would have said something right? But all she said was she needed time to decide. She wanted to think about in what capacity they were going to be in one another's lives now. 

Raven angled her face up to the showerhead and let the water hit against her face, and down her hair. 

She would follow Lexa’s lead this time around. If Lexa wanted to be friends, she'd be her friend. She’d be Lexa’s best friend. If Lexa wanted her to be less, she would be less. She’d just have to work with whatever she could gauge from her now. 

She got out of the shower and texted her 

“I won’t bother you after this until you text me, but i have to say Thank you, for dropping me off, and for giving me the chance to explain” 

“Don’t worry about it. Goodnight, Raven.” 

“Goodnight, Lexa.” Raven replied. Even though she had so much more she wanted to say. She wanted this conversation to go for a bit, she wanted to ask Lexa more about what these 3 years had been like for her. 

But she’d have to wait for another time. 


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter 33

The next couple of days felt like torture. Raven would wake up and check her phone for any messages from Lexa and find none. And everytime her phone buzzed, a flicker of hope would rise within her, wanting it to be Lexa, and more so, wanting it to be a hopeful Lexa. And not a Lexa who had given up on them completely. 

She tried to keep herself distracted. When she wasn’t house hunting, she was catching up with her friends. She spent a day at Abby’s too, it felt good to be back home and in the company of everyone she loved. But there was a hollowness in her heart, and she knew why. That hollowness would only be filled when she was sure Lexa wasn’t mad at her anymore, or would give her a chance for them to try being friends in the least. 

It was Thursday. 4 days had past since she last saw Lexa, heard her voice, reveled in her presence again. And the more time passed, the more she feared Lexa was coming up with reasons for them to lose any semblance of a relationship. 

Raven met up with her agent. She’d been house-hunting since Monday, she was desperate to find a place again, she couldn't be living out of a hotel room any longer. Lincoln had given her this agent's name and contact and the woman was quite friendly and seemed to understand Raven’s requirements. 

Just as they were walking out of one of the apartments she’d just seen, her phone began to ring. LEXA. She quickly picked up. 

“Lexa? Hey!” Raven answered quickly 

“Raven, Hi…” Lexa said, calmly. 

“Maybe we should stop somewhere for lunch before going to a new place?” The agent spoke to Raven, not realizing she was on a phone call. 

“Sorry, uh, you have company, I can call later…” Lexa said, sounding a little nervous suddenly. 

“Uh no, ummm, I’m just house-hunting. That was my agent, Laura.” raven rushed to explain, hoping Lexa wasn’t jumping to any kind of conclusions. 

“Oh, okay.” Lexa said. 

“How are you?” Raven asked, she wanted to keep the conversation going, and that was the first thing she thought to ask, even though she knew she’d seen Lexa’s just a couple of days ago, and with the way they left things, Lexa was probably not in the best of moods. It was a ridiculous question to ask. 

“I’m fine… uh… listen I was thinking, we should catch up. To talk.”

“Yes! Umm… are you free today?” Raven asked. 

“I’m at work right now, but I should get done by 6 pm.” Lexa said. 

“Alright, do you want to get something to eat or something?” Raven asked carefully. 

“Let’s just go for a walk?” Lexa replied. 

“Yes, sure. That works.” Raven said with a smile. Lexa was letting her in. This was Lexa letting her in right? 

“If we get hungry we can always stop for a bite somewhere,” Lexa said. 

“Yea, that sounds good to me.” 

“Yea” Lexa replied and then there was an awkward silence. 

“I’ll come pick you up at 6?” Lexa asked. 

“Oh no, there’s no need. I’m going to be out all day looking at places, so I’ll be below your office building by 6.” 

“Alright, I’ll see you then.” Lexa said 

“Yes, bye Lex” Raven said and they hung up. 

“I’m so sorry, I didn't realize you were on a call” her agent said to her when they resumed walking to her car. 

“No that’s okay” 

“I couldn’t help but notice you were on edge, if you don’t mind me asking, someone special?” the agent asked. 

Raven smiled to herself, nodded and then said “A special friend.”

“Should we be looking for a place for 2 then?” the agent asked with a smirk and a raised eyebrow and Raven’s smile turned sad. 

“No.” she said and left the conversation at that. 

  
Lexa stared at her phone and exhaled heavily. She’d been so nervous to make that call. 

But if she and Raven were going to mend whatever this was between them, they needed to start somewhere. And maybe they could start with filling up the blanks from the last 3 years. Maybe in trying to fill those in, Lexa could shush that voice inside of her that constantly reminded her how she was still so in love with Raven

In trying to mend this friendship, she could maybe tame those feelings inside her, learn to be what Raven wants them to be. Friends. 

In filling in those blanks, she would be reminded of just how much distance remains between them, an effect of being apart 3 years now, they could be 2 whole different people now. 

She’s spent 4 days thinking and re-thinking her decision. Raven was wrong to have shown up all of a sudden like that but she’d be lying to herself if she said she wasn’t a bit relieved she was back.

But above all of that, Raven needed to know, that she couldn’t be the one always trying to control this. It wasn’t something that should be manipulated this way. And Lexa made that clear to Raven that night/ she saw Raven realize her mistake. And Raven did apologize. And she had respected her need for space. 

But now that raven was here, Lexa couldn’t help but wonder why she was keeping her at bay. They could try to mend things and be friends now right? Maybe the distance helped Raven. By god, it hadn’t helped Lexa much. She knew she still had a soft corner for Raven in her heart and if given the opportunity if Raven felt the same, they would be right back at square one. 

But if there was a chance they could redeem their friendship, if there was a chance Raven was over their… well whatever that was that they had between them, then maybe she could try to keep a friendship alive. She would try. Lexa had learned the hard way, that life can be too short. And she didn’t want to lose Raven, in time spent pondering whether she deserved forgiveness for showing up again in her life.

Here she was, having just arranged to meet Raven. She had to admit, hearing the other woman’s voice in the background of that call had her feeling all sorts of things in that one second before Raven clarified that was the agent. She didn’t want to think about what it means that she felt so uneasy at the idea of Raven being with someone. 

  
It was 6 now and she was standing below her office building when she got a call from Raven. 

“Hey, I’m right outside the entrance, near the no-parking sign.” Raven said. 

Lexa looked around “I’m outside too” she said in confusion, and then she had a sudden realization. 

“Wait, Raven. Shit I’m sorry.” 

“What is it?” Raven sounded worried. 

“Ummm, I forgot to mention, my office address has changed,” Lexa said. 

“Oh” 

“I’m sorry, I should have remembered that you wouldn't know.” 

“Uh, that’s no problem, I’ll take a cab to where you are. Just text me the new address? I’ll be there” 

“No. This was my fault, I’ll come to you” 

“Lexa, really it’s nothing, besides, the park’s closer to you, we could go for a walk around there, so just hold on, I'll come to your new address.” Raven insisted. 

So Lexa texted her the address and about 20 minutes later when Raven arrived, Lexa greeted her with a hug. She had spent the last 5 minutes overthinking what would be appropriate, after their last tense encounter. Just a wave to say hi? a hug? A warm squeeze of her arm, she didn’t decide until Raven was in front of her and her entire being just wanted to be as close as possible. 

“Hi” she said with a careful smile and hugged Raven, and at first Raven’s body language was so unsure, but she seemed to ease into her embrace eventually. 

Raven hoped this embrace was a sign that they’d be okay. That Lexa wasn’t bringing news of the bad kind, that Lexa wanted to give their friendship a try. 

“Once again, I’m so sorry about the mix-up” she said as she regretfully pulled away before it got too close for comfort. 

“Lexa, stop apologizing. I know you would have told me about the shift had I left those channels open to you in the last three years” Raven admitted with a sad smile. 

Lexa nodded, but then shrugged and asked 

“Are you hungry?” 

“Not yet.” Raven said and they began to walk towards the park. 

“How was work today?” Raven asked. 

“It was okay, last week was hectic, but this week looks better. I moved up 2 positions since… well after Clarke…” 

Raven nodded “Congratulations! You deserved that recognition. Clarke would often tell me that you were being overworked and not recognized for what you brought to the table. She would be proud” Raven said and Lexa felt elated. “I’m proud of you too.” Raven added. 

Lexa looked at her and said “Thank you, Raven” 

“So you have a lot of subordinates?” 

“Yea” Lexa said with a laugh. “They hate me I think.” 

“Well every leader ends up having a few haters, it’s okay. Management positions aren’t easy.” Raven said. 

“I did hear from some of my colleagues that my interns have been crushing on me apparently.” 

This made Raven laugh. “I’m not even surprised,” she said. 

Lexa seemed lighter on her feet now, a little joyful too. 

“Yea?” she said “Do I come across as a heart-throb lawyer” 

“Oh you always were. My best friend fell for the heart-throb lawyer.” Raven said. 

“She did.” Lexa said smiling. 

“Did you tell them they’ve got no chance?” Raven said all of a sudden. 

“Hmmm?” Lexa asked, missing the drift. 

“The interns? Do they know you’re not looking for anything…” Raven asked. 

“Oh. No I mean, no one’s approached me or anything. It’s all harmless gossip and idle talk. They’ll get over it eventually.”

Raven nodded. They fell into a comfortable silence as they neared the promenade of the park. People were out on their evening jogs, some were walking their dogs, some couples holding hands and just strolling, some parents with their kids playing in the grass, and then there was them. 

Two friends? 

“What about you, how did the house hunting go?” Lexa asked. 

Raven was getting impatient. She wanted to have that conversation done with. She wanted to understand where they stood with one another. She needed to know. 

“Oh yea, ummm, it was okay.” Raven said.

“Found anything you like yet?” Lexa asked 

Raven nodded in the negative. “I’m seeing a couple of other places tomorrow” 

“Okay” 

They were silent again until Lexa finally said what she’d been wanting to say since she saw Raven today. 

“I’m okay with us being friends.” she said. 

Raven stopped walking. And Lexa stopped before her. 

“Let’s give it a shot.” Lexa said. 

Raven nodded. “Yes, okay. I’m good with that” 

“I just… I realized we’re all we’ve got. You, me, O. We lost Clarke. And we lost you for 3 years. Well at least I did. O was still in touch with you,” Lexa said, rambling. “But I don’t want to spend another second thinking I’ve lost you too...” 

Raven stepped closer “Me neither. I… we can be friends. We can forget… what happened…” Raven said, while nodding her head. 

Lexa nodded too, she then looked down and reached for Raven’s hands, they were kind of sweaty and Lexa found that cute. She thought she felt Raven shiver though when she touched her. 

“To be honest, I don’t think I could forget. But I’d like for us to be close again. As friends.” 

Raven smiled softly. It was true. She wouldn’t ever forget either. She couldn’t even if she tried. Lexa was imprinted into her memory. The Lexa who had kissed her, held her, made love to her in that home of theirs. Raven swore, had they not just had a conversation about agreeing to be friends, she would have got on her toes, leaned in and kissed Lexa. But they did have that conversation, and she would need to get a better control over her raging hormones right now. 

She got what she wanted. Lexa was going to stay in her life. Even if just as a friend. It was the least she could ask for, and she got it. ‘Be happy with it, Raven.’ she told herself internally. 

“You forgive me? For being so insensitive about this… for showing up all of a sudden…I meant no disrespect, I didn’t realize what I’d done wrong by showing up like that until you called me out on it, and since then I've been feeling so horrible....” 

Lexa nodded. 

“Yea, uh… I didn’t like that you left Raven, and even though I would have given anything to have you back, it shocked me, seeing you again, I wasn't mentally prepared, and there you were, asking me for everything to go back to normal, it doesn’t… it doesn’t just work that way… you can’t control things like that… they don’t work that way cause YOU want them too…” 

“I understand…” 

“Yea… let’s just focus on… rebuilding a friendship… and we’ll see… what becomes of this?” 

Raven nodded with a soft smile. She could do this. This much was enough. 

  
Lexa turned to continue walking and led Raven to join her. “Getting back to what we were just talking about, I hope it’s not like you’re waiting for me to invite you over or anything, but you should know that my home is yours too. If you wanna just come over and stay, if you’re comfortable I guess. Whether temporarily or permanently, it can go back to the way things were...” 

Raven was silent and just as she began to say something Lexa added 

“By ‘the way things were’ I mean, before Clarke… when Clarke was around. I’ve gotten used to sleeping in my own bed again, and I won't bother you downstairs. Or if you want, you could even take the upstairs room, I’m perfectly fine with a sofa-bed”

“No” Raven said. “I mean, no, if I were to come back, I wouldn’t kick you out of your room, Lex. That room belongs to you. And Clarke. Your memories… I couldn't just… hijack that.” 

Lexa nodded in understanding. 

“And thank you, for letting me know. I can’t say I didn’t think about it, I just wasn’t sure how to approach the topic, given how we… left things.” 

“To be honest I still don’t know how I’d feel about you being back home, but regardless, it remains your home too. You can come back if you’d like. We’re adults. We can learn to trace back our steps from what we once were… right?”

“Right” Raven said. And if Lexa noticed Raven looking away for a second, she tried not to wonder if it was so that she could hide her emotions from showing. 

“I’ll let you know okay, I think I should see a couple of more places before I decide to hijack your space” 

“Yea sure, no problem” Lexa said. 

“You wanna sit down for a while?” Raven asked. 

They sat down by a tree in the grass, the sun was low somewhere on the horizon, causing a pink and orange glow in the skies. 

Once more, the silence was comfortable. They were just watching people around, Raven’s hand played with the grass, Lexa was staring at the skies, then at the children playing nearby. 

“I visited her grave every month for at least 10 months after it happened.” Lexa said out of the blue. 

“Yea?” Raven asked. 

Lexa nodded. 

“I would sit by her gravestone and talk to her like she was still there. I’d tell her about work, about Abby, about Octavia, Lincoln” 

Raven looked at Lexa and Lexa looked at her and finally said 

“I told her about us” 


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter 34

Raven let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. 

They fell silent again. 

“I was drinking a lot, until the day Octavia told me she was pregnant. Something in me clicked that day, and I vowed to myself that I would look out for her, the way she looked out for me. I felt I owed it to her. So I slowly reduced the drinking.” 

“I'm glad you did.” Raven said.

“Yea. One day Lincoln stopped me before I left from their place to go to Clarke’s grave and then home, he told me I was making all of this harder for myself by visiting her grave so often. That I was making it harder to let her go” 

A rage took over Raven’s heart in that moment, she hated that someone stood between Lexa and her Clarke. She hated that someone told her she had to let go of Clarke. Lexa seemed to have picked up on her change in emotion. 

“It’s okay Raven. He was right. I mean I can’t let go of her entirely just like that but I needed to start getting my life back on track, I needed her to stay with me in memory, and not take up so much of my life. I had to start living with the grief, and not dying with it each day...”

Raven nodded in understanding. 

“So you don’t visit her grave anymore?” Raven asked. 

“I feel like she’s in my mind, so she knows what I’m thinking regardless. I stopped going to the grave too often. Told myself she isn’t there anymore, she’s here.” Lexa said, placing her hand on her own heart. 

“She is.” Raven said and they fell silent again. 

“I went to the cemetery soon after I landed,” Raven said. 

“Yea?” Lexa asked, and looked at Raven intently. 

“I had stopped on my way and picked up some flowers and placed them on her grave. And just sat there for a while” 

“Do you talk to her too?” Lexa asked with a smile. 

“In my head I guess. I told her I feel bad for leaving you. And I told her I hope you’re not too angry with me.” 

Lexa chuckled. 

“I was pretty angry with you.” Lexa said. 

“I’m hung up on that ‘was’” Raven replied with a smile. 

“You did what was necessary then, Rae. I understand now.” Lexa said and reached out to place her hand on Raven’s and squeezed softly, but she didn't move it away, and so Raven turned her hand under Lexa’s and they held on for a while, just sitting like that in a silence between them, revelling in the ambience around them. 

It was 8 pm now and they were walking mindlessly, just talking about random stuff, 

“I know I told you we’re doing an evening walk, but it’s late and maybe we could grab a bite at a diner or something?” Lexa asked. 

“Yea, sure, I don’t mind that.” Raven said, 

They were seated in this new diner that had opened up on the street they were on. Lexa had said she’d come here alone sometimes when she was in the mood for a burger and shake. 

A waitress came over to their table

“Hi, it’s you again!” she said excitedly, looking at Lexa. 

“Hi” Lexa said with a gentle smile. 

“What can I get you?” the girl asked. She looked to be a couple of years younger than Lexa. 

“I’ll have the fish and chips, and a soda” Raven said, handing her menu back over, the waitress took it down in the little notepad and then turned to face Lexa. 

“I’ll have my usual,” Lexa said. 

“Noted” the girl smiled at Lexa, then winked and walked away. 

“Uhhh” Raven began. 

“I know, okay” Lexa said, covering her face with her hand. 

Raven laughed. And then she looked at Lexa’s hand. 

“Where’s your ring?” she asked. Lexa looked at her own fingers then and spoke. 

“I don’t wear it to work, I mean, everyone at work knows about Clarke. And well, I was meeting you after work, so I didn’t feel the need.” 

Raven nodded. She looked over at the waitress and caught her staring at Lexa. She tried to ignore it. She really did. 

They talked about other stuff, Raven explained more about her job in DC to Lexa, told her about her colleagues there, and all the drinking they did on the weekends. 

The waitress returned with their food and placed a basket of fries on their table too 

“Complimentary’ she said, smiling at Lexa again and turned to walk away, deliberately swaying her hips. Raven was looking at her, but when she looked back at Lexa, Lexa seemed unaffected, already digging into her food. 

Raven decided to let it go. 

They talked about Livvy, Lexa explained she’s at Octavia’s house almost every weekend, and told Raven she should come over too next weekend, it would be nice for all of them to hang out together again, Octavia would appreciate it too. 

When they were done eating, Lexa excused herself to go to the bathroom, the waitress returned to clear their plates away and Raven thanked her. 

“If I may ask, she’s single right?” the waitress asked. 

Raven put down the napkin she was using to dap at her lips and looked up at the girl. 

“She is, but she’s not interested in anyone right now. So back-off.” Raven stated firmly. 

“And who are you? To her.” The snarky waitress asked. 

“A friend. And a protective one at that. So keep your flirting to yourself.” Raven said. The girl made a face and walked away.

Lexa returned and the waitress girl brought the bill to their table. 

“Let me get that.” Raven said, reaching out to take it, but Lexa wouldn’t have it. 

“No, this is me, Rae. I owe you this much for inconveniencing you today with the wrong address” 

Raven laughed. “Alright, but the next one’s on me,” Raven said and Lexa chuckled and nodded in the negative. 

The waitress took the bill back, along with Lexa’s card, Lexa and Raven got out of the booth and decided they’d just collect the card at the counter. 

When they walked out, Lexa stared at the bill and laughed. 

“What is it?” Raven asked. 

“She left her number.” Lexa said. 

“What?! Show me!” Raven said, unbelievably. 

Lexa showed her the number at the bottom of the piece of paper and laughed. 

“What a bitch, even after I told her to back-off” Raven said, mindlessly and then realized she’d said that out-loud. 

Lexa had stopped in her tracks and was looking at Raven. 

“You told her to back off?” Lexa asked. 

“Uhh… I mean, she asked me if you’re single, I said you are, but you’re not interested in anyone. I hope… I hope I didn't overstep...” Raven said nervously. 

“No, no. Of Course not. I AM not interested in anyone or anything right now. That’s true.” Lexa said. 

“Yea, so I just told her that.” Raven said, looking away and Lexa fell back into step with her as they walked. 

“Thanks? I guess” Lexa said with a chuckle. 

Raven hit her shoulder playfully and said “Shut up” 

“Wear your ring, next time.” she added. 

“Aye aye” replied Lexa, still with a bright smile on her face. 

Raven didn’t know what came over her. She just told Lexa to wear her wedding ring the next time they were out. Lexa wasn’t interested in anyone. And she was keen on making sure that if Lexa was not going to be hers, she would stay Clarke’s and no one else's, as selfish as that sounded. 

Lexa smirked all the way back home, because you’d had to have been dumb to not realize what had happened back there at the diner. Raven was protective of her. Right? Could she call it jealousy? Was it jealousy? Lexa looked over at Raven and Raven looked at her with a soft smile. Well, whatever it was, it was cute for now. 

“I’ll walk you home” she said to Raven, and she saw Raven’s features switch, from probably thinking of telling her it wasn’t needed, to then deciding, it really was okay, they’d missed each other. As friends, it was alright to allow themselves this company. 

“Okay” Raven said.   
  
When they got to her building, Raven sighed and said, “Thanks, for initiating this.” 

“No problem, I quite enjoyed catching up with you.” Lexa said, her hands in her coat pockets and her eyes gazing down at the floor for a second and back up at Raven. 

“You'll let me know about your house hunting updates?” Lexa finally said, 

“I will.” Raven said. 

“And if you need a break from work, ever, just holler, I'll come by and rescue you,” Raven said with a smile. And then added “to the right address this time.” 

Lexa laughed “Noted, thanks. And once again, I’m really sorry” 

“It’s okay, Lex. We’re bound to have a couple of slip-ups, it’s been 3 years.” Raven said. 

Lexa nodded in understanding and said “yea” 

“I’ll see you soon?” Raven asked then, not really wanting to part ways, but knowing they would have to at some point. 

“Yea.. uh… we’ll text.” Lexa said and then awkwardly, she stepped forward, and would have stepped back, had Raven not pulled her into a hug.

“Don’t hesitate, Lexa, by god, we’ve done far-worse.” Raven said with a chuckle. 

Lexa laughed too, and allowed herself the comfort of Raven’s arms even if just for a few seconds. 

When they pulled apart, Lexa wouldn’t make eye-contact. But she was smiling, so Raven let it go. At least for now. 

“I’ll see you soon.” Lexa said and walked away. 

“Wait Lexa” Raven called out. Lexa turned around.

“Thank you, for giving this, giving us a chance, this friendship...”

Lexa nodded with a smile and walked away. 

  
The next day, around 11 am, Raven received a message from Lexa. It was a photograph of her hand, with Clarke’s ring there. 

Raven smiled to herself and quickly replied back “Good, this will keep those bitches’ claws off you.” 

“You just assumed the worst of every woman here.” Lexa replied. 

“Well, they’re all bitches if they’re not Clarke,” Raven said. 

“Or you, apparently ;)” Lexa replied. 

“Shut up. :D” Raven replied as she laughed at her phone. 

“House hunting today?” Lexa asked then. 

“Yep, just waiting for Laura-my agent to arrive.”

“Hmmm, maybe you should wear a ring too ;).” 

Raven smiled at the text and then replied back “Nope, my vibe is enough I think, to keep any and all predators away.”  
  
“Are you? Keeping people away?” Lexa replied after a moment’s pause.

Now Raven paused. Unsure how she was supposed to reply to this. Truth was she wasn’t interested in seeing anyone either. Hadn’t been for 3 years now. But in DC, well, she had complicated things for herself. She didn’t technically ‘see’ anyone she explained to herself. But UGH! It was more nuanced a conversation to have. But she wasn’t about to explain that to Lexa over text. 

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to probe, don’t answer that if you don’t want to.” Lexa double texted. 

“I am, right now. I think. Keeping people away. But Lexa, I’ll explain when we meet next, okay? And no, you’re not probing. You’re curious. Anyone would be after being away from a friend for 3 years.” 

“Okay. Have a great day, Rae” came Lexa's text. And Raven did not want to leave their conversation just like that. 

“Do you wanna meet me for coffee on Saturday?” she asked Lexa. 

“Sure” came Lexa’s reply. 

And Raven decided this was better. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's your midweek update. 
> 
> Any Clexa stans here? I don't know if you guys have read my previous stories, but I wrote a sequel to 'Everything to lose' in case any of you were following the first part of the story.   
> And I've written a new one-shot too. Might turn it into a multichapter. It's called 'You don't get to tell me what to do'. 
> 
> Thanks again for reading this mid-week update. Will have more for you on the weekend. I'm also working on a Damie fanfiction (Dani and Jamie from The Haunting of Bly Manor), so stay tuned for that too. 
> 
> Until then, do leave me your thoughts on this update. Love you, guys.


	35. Chapter 35

Chapter 35: 

They were seated in a cafe, their coffees before them, Lexa took a sip and closed her eyes to relish the feeling. She absolutely loved coffee. It always immediately grounded her. And she needed it. Ever since she’d woken up this morning, on her day off, she’d been thinking about seeing Raven again, it made her heart feel light, the anticipation. 

And when they’d met on the corner of the block, she couldn't help the smile that adorned her face when she saw Raven in her jeans and racerback, with her favourite red jacket on. 

“Hey” 

“Hi” Raven had said. 

“This jacket…” Lexa said, looking at her outfit

“I can’t bring myself to throw it out, I know it’s ancient,” Raven said with a chuckle as they'd fallen in step together walking towards the cafe. 

Lexa laughed “It is, isn’t it? I think I first remember you wearing it that first week I met Clarke.” 

Raven smiled. Yep, this jacket had seen it all. But she loved it. It was precious to her. 

“How’s Anya?” Raven asked once they were seated at a table and their coffees were before them. She took a sip from her own mug. 

“She’s alright. She came down to stay with me for a month, a little after you left.” Lexa said. 

Raven nodded. 

“Raven, I told her about us.” Lexa said, not looking up at her directly. 

Raven almost spat her coffee out. 

“I’m sorry, it’s just… she could see how miserable I was, and if there’s anyone who can see right through my lies, it’s her. She prodded until I came clean, I’m sorry” 

“No, uh. You don’t need to apologize… She was taking care of you and that’s important to me. I’m not upset that you told her... it’s just…” Raven looked down at her mug, and when she looked up and outside the window beside them, Lexa noticed her cheeks reddening. 

“Uhhh, Raven? What are you not telling me?” Lexa asked, trying to get Raven to look at her. 

“Okay what do you know about me and Anya? In that little time she and I were together?” Raven asked. 

“Uh nothing, just that you’ll went on a couple of dates… wait. Did you’ll? I mean did you’ll ever…?” Lexa hoped Raven understood her non-words. 

Raven bit her lip and then covered her face.

“Oh. My. God. You’ve had sex with both, my cousin and me.” Lexa looked halfway amused, half-way mortified. 

Raven reached out and whacked Lexa’s hand on the table. “Don’t say it like that. It was two different periods of my life.” Raven chuckled. 

“But it’s true isn’t it?” Lexa had a teasing smirk on. 

“Well yes, but like, I didn’t intentionally want to fuck both the Woods’ sisters." 

Lexa smiled smugly and took a sip of her coffee and said “but you did.” 

“Shut up” Raven laughed. She liked this. This banter. Even though it was about them having sex, it was good right? Friendly banter. 

“Okay, I gotta ask, who was better?” Lexa said. 

“Lexa!” Raven exclaimed. 

“Come on!” 

“What if you’re not ready to accept the answer?” Raven asked with a raised eyebrow. 

“I promise to be completely objective” 

“You can’t. You’re literally one of the options you’re giving me.” Raven said with amused laughter. 

“Come on, I promise, I’ll be objective” Lexa urged. 

“Anya” Raven answered

“Hmmm?” Lexa asked, reaching for her coffee again and taking a sip. 

“Anya. I said Anya Woods was better.” 

“At what?” Lexa asked 

“What do you mean at what? Have you forgotten what we’re talking about?” Raven asked, incredulously. 

“Well, you can’t possibly mean the whole experience right, I’m sure she must have sucked at something and I must have been better at something” Lexa said. 

“I can’t believe you right now!” Raven said, laughing at Lexa’s reaction. 

“What?” Lexa asked. 

“You said you’d be objective!” Raven argued. 

“I am! I am being objective.” 

“You’re jealous.” Raven said. 

“Am not!” Lexa said and a small smile came upon her face. “Okay I am. What do you mean Anya was better?! We literally had the wildest sex possible. There’s no way my cousin sister has that side to her.” 

“Well, I would know, I’m the one who’s been with both of you.” Raven said. 

“You’re doing this to trouble me, I swear to god, Rae” Lexa said, challenging. 

Raven laughed, “I told you this conversation was not going anywhere you’d like it to”.

Lexa shrugged and stayed quiet. She bit into her croissant and then looked out the window. There was a moment of comfortable silence between them until Lexa was alerted of a text on her phone, she looked down to see, 

“You were better, by miles. You’re a league of your own. Anya couldn’t care for me the way you did even if she tried.” Lexa could feel the proud smile come upon her own face and she knew Raven was watching. She was trying so hard to tame it, to not let her pride show. But she was startled when she felt Raven’s foot against her ankle, she gasped and looked up to find Raven smiling back. 

“You’re a kid!” Raven said and pulled her foot back, laughing.

“Shut up, you’re not allowed to tease me like that!” Lexa said. 

“You got so jealous. And why can’t I tease you? We’re friends. Friends tease.” Raven explained. 

“Well, we have an unfair advantage of having slept with one another, we have more ammo against one another.” 

“Ammunition is it?” Raven asked. 

“Hmmm” Lexa agreed with a smile. 

“I’ll tease you however I want.” Raven said and bit into her own croissant.   
  
After a thoughtful pause, she said more seriously “But Lexa, if you’re ever uncomfortable with anything I say or do, please, let me know. It’s all fun and games until it isn’t, and I would hate to make you feel uncomfortable, or cross any boundaries.” 

“yea. no, sure. I know. Right back at you.” Lexa said seriously.

They smiled warmly at one another then and got back to sipping on their coffee. 

“Well since we’re talking about...ummm… I don’t know, you mentioned that day that we’ll talk about you… ummm, when I asked you if you’re keeping people away?” Lexa stuttered. 

“Ah yes, about me not seeing anyone currently...” Raven said. 

“Yea. what did you want to tell me?” Lexa asked. 

Raven sighed and then looked down at her hands. “I’m not looking for something right now, if that’s what you want to know.” Raven said. 

“Okay… that’s all? That’s what you wanted to tell me?” 

“I haven’t been able to see anyone ‘seriously’ ever since…” Raven added. 

"Ever since Clarke passed away...?" Lexa asked.

"Yea that and..." Raven left it that way

“Ever since you left me?” Lexa asked. 

Raven nodded. 

“Okay… that’s nothing to be ashamed of Raven, why do you look so sullen? We ended things in a weird place, we hadn’t defined anything, we couldn’t. We weren’t anything then…” Lexa tried to organise her thoughts out-loud. 

“I hooked up with someone, a couple of times, while I was in DC.” Raven blurted out and when she looked up, she saw how Lexa flinched at her words and immediately looked out the window, she looked tense. 

“Lex, I’m sorry” Raven reached out to touch Lexa, but Lexa folded her arms across her chest, keeping herself out of reach, going cold so quickly. 

“Why are you apologizing?” Lexa asked, her tone suddenly unrecognizable. 

“I feel… I feel like I should” Raven said. 

“We never defined what we were doing… You could do whatever you liked” Lexa said. 

“I know… but I don’t want to hurt you…” Raven said 

“Well it’s a little too late for that, don't you think?” Lexa said as she shifted out of her seat, grabbed her wallet, left a couple of bills on the table. 

“Lexa, wait” Raven said, panicking as she watched Lexa

“I’ll talk to you later Rae, I can’t right now.” 

“Don’t leave, let me explain!” Raven said, a couple of other patrons in the cafe were looking at them, but Lexa walked out and left. 

Raven exhaled heavily. She stared at the bills, through watery eyes. 

  
It was 11pm, Raven had just gotten out of a bath, and was lounging on her couch in her PJs, sipping on wine and reading a book. She couldn't bring herself to concentrate though. 

She had texted Lexa around 7 pm saying “One minute you said I don’t need to apologize for hooking up with someone, the next you walked out on me and left money. Can we please talk?”

There had been no reply. But the read receipts showed blue. It angered her now, Lexa had no right to treat her that way. And she gets it, it hurts, hell just the idea of some other woman flirting with Lexa angers her, so she knew what Lexa felt in that moment, hearing that Raven had hooked up with someone over the last 3 years. 

Raven closed her eyes. She hated to think how Lexa would react when she told her who it was. She sighed. All of this was so confusing. They were supposed to be friends. But trying to stay on that side of the line was getting tougher because of their history. They knew so much about one another, they were intimately wound up in one another's lives, whether they liked it or not. 

They had felt things for one another once upon a time. It would be hard to believe that either of them was completely over it, given the way they felt about the other having other affairs. 

Raven was brought out of her reverie when she heard a knock on her door. 11.15 pm. 

She went over and looked through the peephole and immediately pulled the door open. 


	36. Chapter 36

Chapter 36: 

“I’m sorry. It was disrespectful of me, and horrible of me, to have left you like that, I didn’t mean to get so carried away, I just… I couldn't think at that moment. I was angry and upset, and I couldn't look at you without feeling all of that so intensely. But that doesn't validate how I acted. You didn’t deserve to be treated like that, and I’m sorry” Lexa said. 

Raven gulped. 

“If I'm being honest, friends or not, I’m just as protective about you as you are about me, and to think of someone else with you, after what we had… after you told me you were in love me… that hit me real bad… But we’re friends now, and I'll get over it. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t tell me about it. I will try and hear you out and listen to you, objectively, if you still want to tell me, that is.” Lexa said. 

Raven moved aside, allowing Lexa the space to enter in, and then she closed the door behind her. Lexa made her way to the hotel room couch and Raven took some time in the kitchen before coming back out with 2 glasses of wine. She handed one over to Lexa and said, “Here, keeping sipping”. 

Lexa took it. Raven kept her glass down on the table, then went over to her bedroom, it seemed like to Lexa, and when she came back out, she handed over the bills of cash Lexa had left on the cafe table earlier. 

“I didn’t need your money.” Raven said. 

“I’m sorry. I just didn’t want you to pay” Lexa said as she quickly put the bills in her wallet and pocketed it. 

“We agreed I would be paying the next time.” Raven said. 

“You said you would be, I never agreed.” Lexa tried to say with a small smile. 

“Regardless, it would have meant more if you were actually there to pay for it.” Raven said, and Lexa felt bad about how she’d reacted. 

“Touche” she said “I’m sorry” 

Raven took a moment and then spoke. 

“I was very in love with you when I left.” Raven said. “When I got to DC, I busied myself with searching for a place, settling into a job, getting to know the city, all of that. It wasn’t until later in the year that I started letting loose a bit. I’d hang out with my colleagues and meet their friends and hang with them.

Soon enough we would go out clubbing on alternate weekends. One night the next year, I accepted the fact that I was growing lonely. I had lost touch with most of you here, I couldn't talk to anyone without wanting to know how you were doing. I uhh… I took someone home with me one night…I was drunk, looking for some fun in my already-sad life...”

Lexa took a sip of her wine. 

“I met them again a few months later and we decided it was a no strings attached thing...” 

“How… How often...?” Lexa asked. 

“I slept with him, maybe 4 times? In the whole time that I was away.” Raven said. 

“Him?” Lexa asked between sips again. 

“Yes” Raven said. 

“Okay”

“Okay?” Raven said. 

“I mean, I don’t know what to say.” Lexa said, expressionless. 

“It meant nothing to me Lexa, really” Raven felt she needed to add. 

Lexa nodded. She then said,“I’m sorry, I know I’m blurring the lines just by making us have this conversation.” 

“The lines were already blurred Lex, when we decided we wanted to be friends. It’s not your fault. We can’t help what we feel.” Raven explained, reaching over to place her hand on Lexa’s. 

“Where did you go, when you left the cafe?” Raven asked. 

“I went home.” Lexa said. 

Raven nodded. 

“When are you coming home, Rae?” Lexa said after a while. 

Raven looked at her for a second, trying to understand if she meant to visit, or to move back in. 

“I haven't found a place I like yet Lexa, so I am considering your offer.” 

Lexa smiled, she looked hopeful. 

“But there’s a lot I need to think about before I come back…” 

Lexa suddenly looked closed off. 

“Like what?” Lexa said. 

“Lexa...you know what.” Raven said, looking down at her glass in her hands. 

“I’m not going to sneak into your bed at night and force you to have sex with me, if that’s what your worried about!” Lexa said off-handedly, but with bitterness. 

“LEXA!” Raven sounded angry. 

“That’s what’s keeping you away, isn’t it?” Lexa asked. 

“NO! I trust you.” Raven said. 

“Then what is it?” Lexa asked, frustrated. 

“It’s me I don’t trust, Lexa” Raven finally said, getting up off the couch and pacing. 

Lexa was still. 

“I’m the one who fell in love. I’m the one who let my feelings get mixed up in all of this.” Raven said. 

“You can’t believe that it was just your feelings mixed up in this.” Lexa argued. 

“No. I know your feelings got mixed up in it too. But you’d just lost your wife.” Raven explained. 

“And you’d just lost your best friend!” Lexa argued. 

“That doesn’t make any of what we did right!” Raven argued back. 

“No it doesn’t” Lexa said, resignedly. And they were silent. Until Raven came back and sat beside Lexa. And Lexa very carefully pulled her into a hug. 

“It wasn’t right, but it got me through the toughest loss I’ve had to deal with. And all I’m saying is, I want to have my friend back again, if and when she’s okay with that. Because the loss of her, the 3 years without her, was the 2nd most dreadful loss I had to deal with. And I had no one but Livvy to stop me from drowning in that grief” said Lexa. 

And Raven hugged her tighter, she buried her face in Lexa’s shoulder and cried because she understood. And Lexa closed her eyes and finally let her own tears fall too. 

  
Lexa was home now, she’d taken a cab back, after reminding Raven that she’d be going over to Octavia’s tomorrow and she should come too once she’s seen the houses she had scheduled for the day. Raven said she’d definitely come over, they’d said goodnight and Lexa had left. 

She was in bed now, staring up at the ceiling and wondering to herself, if she would ever be able to stop loving Raven the way she did right now. She had stopped beating herself up about it a couple of months ago, when she realized it was a feeling that wasn’t going to go away, and she would have to come to terms with the fact that her Clarke was gone. And Even though she loved Clarke with everything within her, she had found a love for Raven too. It would never replace the love she had for Clarke, but it was there and it was stubborn, and persistent, and wanted to be acted upon. 

It wanted to be acted upon. And that was her problem. Raven and her, no matter what they felt for one another, they would need to find a middle ground. A space between love and friendship that was acceptable between them both. And that was going to be difficult when Lexa had all this love in her heart and no way to show it to Raven. She couldn’t. Not when Raven was so keen on keeping things between them cordial. 

Except, Lexa had made love to Raven those years ago. It was never just sex for her, now that she thought about it. They’d made love. And she was sure Raven felt that way too. Why else had Raven run away when she admitted her feelings to herself. It was dangerous territory, it was wrong then. But now. After all these years between them, did it still have to be so wrong? Lexa sighed. 

Her phone buzzed. 

“I want to have some fun.” Raven’s text read. 

Lexa smiled and replied “What’s your idea of fun now?” 

“Octavia, Clarke, you, me, painting the town red.” came Raven’s reply. 

Lexa laughed. Raven and Clarke had always been the wild ones of their little group. They liked to go out and break a few rules, go a little wild. And it had been so long since they’d had a fun night. 

“Clarke’s not here anymore.” 

“Of course I know that silly. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss it.” Raven replied. 

“I think we can arrange something,” Lexa said. 

“Now?” Raven replied. 

“No silly, you’re already drunk on that wine you’ve been ‘OD’ing on. Maybe tomorrow? I could ask O. We can go out in the night, just the 3 of us, for old time's sake.”

“Sounds good to me. And I’m not drunk.” replied Raven.

“Tipsy then ;)” Lexa replied. 

“Okay I’ll accept tipsy. Clarke would be proud of you.” Raven said. 

“Why so?” Lexa asked. 

“Planning a wild night for us, this has gotta be a first.” Raven replied. 

“I won’t drink, I’ll be our sober driver.” Lexa said. 

“Like hell I’m going to allow that. Where’s the fun in that?!” Raven argued. 

“Well someone’s gotta make sure you don’t take an impressionable young fella home.” Lexa said, smiling to herself. 

“I prefer women. But yea. No, you’re right that would be a problem. The only person I want in my home is you.” 

Lexa allowed herself to read and re-read the text, over and over. She wanted to teleport herself right now to Raven’s hotel room. Jump into that bed with her and bury herself in Raven’s embrace. Why did that feel so forbidden to do?

“Shit. Did I send that? Shit. I'm so sorry!” came Raven’s reply. 

“It’s okay, goodnight Rae. Sleep well.” Lexa replied. 

“Goodnight, Lexa” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me a comment with your thoughts on this update?


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the elections are really stressing everyone out right now. I'm from India, but my best friend is in the states and I can see firsthand how her mental health is getting affected, just waiting for the results. So I hope you guys are taking good care of yourselves, I hope this update is a good distraction, even though it gets kinda angsty. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

Chapter 37

“Give me a call in case you’ll need me to pick you girls up, okay?” Lincoln called out from the living room floor where he was crawling around with Livvy on his back. 

Octavia came over to kiss him goodbye, she looked irresistible, in a little black dress that hugged her in all the right ways. 

“Don’t worry, we’ll mostly get a cab back” 

“Okay” Lincoln said “Should I wait up?” Lincoln asked. 

“No need, you’ll be up till the morning.” said Raven from the doorway, sleeping her heels on.

“We’re going to be out until the morning?” Lexa peeked out from the kitchen with shock written all over her face. 

“Well, I hope so” said Raven, “Come on girls, let’s just have a little fun for once, it’s been a while!” Raven whined, Lincoln laughed then kissed his wife once more and said 

“Go, I’ll be up for a bit, so if you need to be picked up, let me know” 

“We’re not gonna let her out of our sights, Linc” Raven said, coming over to them and kissing little Livvy’s head, who was now sleepy and sucking her thumb in Lincoln’s arms. 

“See you soon, angel” Raven said to her. 

“Bye Waven” she said and Raven grinned and went back in to kiss her once more. 

Octavia took her in her arms and showered her face with kisses, “Don’t give daddy too much trouble okay, I’ll be back soon” she spoke to her little one, knowing she probably didn’t understand most of what she was saying, but could definitely tell her mommy was going somewhere. 

“Bye Livvy, miss me.” Lexa said from the doorway, clad in a black top that hugged her upper body sweetly, boyfriend jeans and a denim jacket. 

In Raven’s opinion, she looked delicious. But Raven’s opinion was biased and she’d kept it to herself. 

Little Livvy reached her arms out towards where Lexa was, so Lexa laughed and came over and carried her 

“What is it?” Lexa asked her in an exaggerated tone just for her. 

“Leksa ta-ta?” the little one asked. 

Lexa held her up and connected her forehead to the little baby and said   
“Ta-ta for now, but I’ll be back soon, okay?”  
The little one obviously couldn’t understand, but Raven marveled at the relationship Lexa shared with this little baby.

She’d come over this afternoon after all the house hunting and joined them for lunch and then all of them sat around in the living room, just chatting away and passing Livy around until she was tired and needed an afternoon nap. 

Lexa told Octavia she’d put her into her crib and so she’d carried little Livvy up to her room, Raven who’d been ever so intrigued about Lexa’s fondness for the little one followed her and watched from the doorway as Lexa held Livvy so close to her and rocked her in her arms, Livvy’s head resting against Lexa’s shoulder. 

Lexa had been facing away from the doorway for most of the time, but when she finally turned to place Livvy down in her crib, she noticed Raven standing there. 

Lexa smiled and signalled her over. 

Raven had walked in and stood beside Lexa and watched as she placed the little girl down slowly and set up the baby monitor. 

“You’re so good with her,” Raven said. 

“Please, you should see Octavia do this. She’s a pro.” Lexa said softly. 

“I always knew you’d be good with children,” Raven said after a moment’s pause.

It was a thought that brought Clarke to mind often. For both of them. Clarke had always said if she and Lexa were to have a child, she would carry for them. 

So even now in this moment, Lexa thought of Clarke. 

“Yea well, Livvy’s all I’ve got for now.” Lexa said, looking down lovingly at her god-child 

“You can still have your own kid someday, Lexa”

“I could, I could adopt, I just don’t see myself doing single parent-hood” Lexa said, looking to Raven. 

“Maybe you won’t have to… do it single-handedly...” Raven said, her eyes downward and then on Livvy. 

When she looked back up she saw Lexa looking at her intently. 

“I’m just saying… ummm… I don’t think I’m gonna just leave you all alone to your own devices again, you’ll always have me… as a friend...” Raven clarified for Lexa. 

Lexa turned to angle herself towards Raven 

“Well, thanks… but what about you… You could find someone...eventually, have a kid of your own…” Lexa said, her gaze flickering down for a second to Raven’s midsection before quickly gazing back up.

Her mind was suddenly filled with images of Raven, beautiful beautiful Raven, pregnant with a child, and she pictured herself with Raven, holding her, caressing her pregnant belly, kissing her happily. Lexa’s heart raced, and her eyes had definitely darkened. What was going on?! She quickly turned away and gazed down at Livvy again, 

“Hey” Raven said, reaching out and taking Lexa’s hand in hers. Lexa looked down at their joined hands and then up at Raven, Raven was so close to her, Lexa looked up into her eyes then, and she saw so much love. She blinked. There was an electricity in this moment, in Raven’s touch. Lexa’s gaze slipped down to Raven’s lips and then back up instantly. Lexa wanted something. But she couldn’t have it. 

Raven noticed, her lips moved to say something. 

“Or I could… or we could…” Raven started, wanting to suggest something, but holding back...

Lexa didn’t know what made her do it, she took a step closer and was instantly about an inch away from Raven’s face. 

She could feel Raven’s breath brush against her own lips. Quicker paced, like her own heart was beating quicker too. Raven closed her eyes, she was sure from this close, Lexa could hear her heart racing violently. 

“Say it…” Lexa said, her other hand coming up to hold Raven’s face tenderly, and Raven leaned into the soft touch of her palm. “What were you going to say?” Lexa urged her on. 

“Nothing” Raven finally said, but she opened her eyes to find Lexa’s slightly glossy. Her immediate reaction was to comfort her, to make it right...and so she found herself leaning in slightly, just an inch closer, she heard Lexa take a deep breath, and then her lip touched Lexa’s and Lexa shivered. 

“Rae…” Lexa whispered, again, their lips brushed, their eyes stayed closed. The spark between them seemed thick and heavy and buzzing like wildfire. 

Raven then let their foreheads connect gently instead and gulped. She spoke so softly, only Lexa could hear “Lexa, what are we doing?” she said. 

Lexa stepped back, instantly letting go of Raven. 

And Raven regretted ruining the moment, but she knew they were so close to doing something that would bring more tension between them, and she couldn’t risk their friendship now, not after everything. 

“I… uhh… “ Lexa stammered. 

“It’s okay… we both got... umm… carried away…’ Raven explained, trying to brush the incident off. 

“Yea” Lexa said, looking towards Livvy, making sure she was still asleep, and then said “Let’s go”, walking towards the door and Raven followed her. Once they were out, they walked silently to the staircase and eventually, the tension had fizzled away again. 

“You should start getting ready, it’s 6 pm.”

“Uhh, we’re not leaving until 8pm” Raven said, looking at the time on her phone. She didn’t need 2 hours, she thought. 

“Did you learn to get ready sooner in the last 3 years?” Lexa said, teasing. 

Raven whacked her shoulder as they descended the stairs together 

“Shut up, I don’t need more than an hour.” Raven said, smiling. 

“Sure. we’ll see about that” Lexa said. 

  
It was 9 pm now, and they were finally leaving to head out. 

“Ta-ta for now, but I’ll be back soon, okay?” Lexa said to Livvy and then kissed her nose and gently passed her back to her dad. 

Lexa turned to head to the doorway, and was faced with Raven in her short little red, hip-hugging skirt, a black crop top, and a black leather jacket over it. 

And now, with the red stilettos she’s just put on, Lexa swore she forgot to breathe for a moment staring at Raven head-to-toe. 

“We should get going, I think the cab I called is here.” Raven said, her gaze on Lexa, knowing full well Lexa was scanning her head-to toe. 

It brought Lexa out of her moment and she quickly walked to the door and stepped out saying “Let’s go”, hiding her reddened face. 

  
On the cab ride there, Lexa sat in front in the passenger seat of their uber, and Octavia and Raven got in the back. 

The drive was fun, as Raven listed out all the reasons why they should totally get shit-faced tonight. 

And Octavia reverted with all the reasons they don’t need to go all out, it’s not a once in a lifetime opportunity or something, they could make this a monthly feat, a GNO. 

Lexa stayed silent through most of the ride, all she could think about since the early evening was that almost kiss she shared with Raven, and how bad she still wanted it, and how gorgeous Raven looked tonight, and how much she just wanted to undress her and touch her body and make love to her... 

Lexa caught onto their conversation of making it a monthly feat, and couldn’t help but decide there itself, she would not survive a monthly feature of watching Raven in clothes like this and not be able to act on her feelings for her. 

She was in so much trouble. 

“Lexa, you okay? You haven’t said a word since we left.” Octavia said from the back seat. 

Lexa turned to look behind at them, and her eyes immediately met Raven’s, they were calm, but intense. 

“I’m fine, just thinking about work” she lied. 

“See that’s another reason why we need this night, Woods here needs to forget about all her mundane weekday pains.” Raven said, and Lexa chuckled, and of their own accord, Lexa’s gaze slipped to Raven’s bare legs, folded one over the other. 

Images of Raven’s legs straddled around her hips came to mind and she quickly shut her eyes and looked ahead again. 

She got a text. Of course Raven had noticed. She always was observing Lexa. 

“Lex, are you alright?” it was a text from Raven. 

“I’m fine, I said I’m fine.” 

“Okay, listen, let’s just let loose and have some fun tonight okay? Don’t stress out. It’s all good between us...” 

“Sure” came Lexa’s reply. 

Lexa knew, Raven knew exactly what she was feeling. She was sure Raven was feeling some things too after their almost moment in the afternoon. What was that? What were they going to do? Make out in Livvy’s room? And then what? Ignore each other for the rest of their lives because they couldn't control themselves, they couldn’t respect the boundaries of a friendship? 


	38. Chapter 38

Chapter 38

“We’re here,” said Octavia as they got out of the cab and headed into the club.   
It was around 9.30 pm and the place was already crowded. 

Raven led the way into the club “Okay ladies, what are we drinking?” she said over the music. 

“G and T for me.” Octavia said. 

“I think I’m gonna do cosmos tonight,” Raven said. And they looked at Lexa expectantly. 

“I’ll go order the drinks, stay here,” she said as she disappeared towards the bar. 

Raven watched her go, and then got distracted by someone Octavia pointed at saying she thought she found them familiar looking. 

It had been 15 minutes since Lexa had gone over to the bar, Raven looked over now, to find Lexa collecting the drinks from the bartender.

Raven couldn’t help noticing the teasing smile on the female bartender’s face, she had said something to Lexa and Lexa laughed out loud, managing to hold their 3 glasses expertly with just her two hands. 

Lexa shouted something out over the loud music back to the woman and the woman blushed. Raven looked away. She didn’t want to watch this exchange. It made her feel all sorts of uneasy. 

She distracted herself by talking to Octavia again, and Lexa placed their drinks before them. “Here we go, let the party begin!” 

The first half of their night was pretty much just that, sipping from their drinks, talking over the loud music and slowly getting in the groove with the music blasting over the speakers, the place had gotten more crowded now and the centre of the premise was filled with people dancing ever so close to one another, the lights flashing in time with the beats of the music. Raven noted Lexa’s eyes were not as dazed as they should be after 3 rounds of drinks. 

The female bartender however, had started bringing their drinks over to them instead of them needing to go over to the bar, and Raven had to look away every time the woman handed Lexa’s glass over to her, and she let her fingers graze Lexa’s a little, exaggeratedly. 

Lexa caught Raven’s eye at one point, but Raven saw something else there in Lexa’s gaze, a thirst. For no one else but herself. She saw it the exact moment Lexa’s gaze slipped to her lips again and then she looked down at her glass, licked her own lips and took a long sip. 

“I need to go to the bathroom,” Lexa said then and excused herself. 

“We should dance,” Octavia said, urging Raven to finish the remnants of her glass as she did too, and then Raven was being pulled to the dance floor, not too far away from their table, as they’d need to keep an eye out for Lexa. 

When Lexa returned to the table, she noticed Raven and Octavia weren’t seated there, one look ahead at the dance floor and there they were. Moving and grooving to the music. 

Lexa leaned forward on the table, and picked up her glass of water. She’d informed the bartender earlier in the evening, that she needed her to make her glass look like it was a Mojito, but truly, to just skip the alcohol. There was no way in hell she was getting drunk tonight. Letting herself go even slightly tonight, would result in her hands on Raven, in every delicious way she deserved. And she couldn’t let that happen now. 

Her eyes roamed Raven’s body as she and Octavia danced together, so carefree, god! they were having so much fun, but Lexa’s gaze had narrowed in on Raven’s hips, swaying beautifully with the music, Octavia came up behind her and suddenly the two of them were grinding to the music, Octavia’s hands moving over Raven’s hips and Raven’s hands moving through her own hair and then down her sides,

Lexa didn’t realize she was holding her own breath until her eyes met Raven’s across the dance floor.

Lexa froze. But Raven? Well, Raven continued her sexy little dance, her eyes fixed on her spectator Lexa. Lexa’s eyes darkened. Her gaze moved from Raven’s face, down to her cleavage, Lexa could have sworn her mouth was watering. Then lower down, she watched the skin at the bottom of Ravens crop top, a sheen of sweat there, from all the dancing, she wanted to lick between Raven’s abs lower down, then her gaze was on Raven’s hips, she wanted those hips to move against her that way, she needed it. She shifted her weight, she could have sworn she was already wet between her legs just thinking of Raven. 

How was she supposed to survive this night sober? She looked around and when she gazed back at Raven, Raven was walking over towards her, 

“Come on” she mouthed as she signaled Lexa’ over with her finger curling towards her, 

And as if that action itself had a magic pull on her, Lexa found herself joining them. But as soon as she was in their presence, just beginning to loosen up and get grooving with them, Octavia excused herself to go to the washroom. 

Raven took a step closer to Lexa and spoke in her ear. 

“Is this okay? Dancing close to you?” Raven asked, as she swayed her hips in time with the music... 

“Yes” Lexa said, and so Raven smiled and continued moving her body to the music, completely losing herself in it, she could feel Lexa watching her and oh she wanted to put on a show for her, she wanted to be wanted by Lexa, and with the effect of the alcohol, well it had completely made her forget all the promises she’d made to herself about needing to keep things platonic between them. 

She turned around and stepped back closer into Lexa’s space, but not entirely, she didn't want to crowd her, but Lexa? Lexa stepped closer herself, her hands immediately finding home on Raven’s hips. 

“Is this okay?” Lexa asked her, close to her ear. 

Raven simply placed her hands over Lexa’s and guided them to move along her hips as she wished. 

The next 2 minutes of Lexa’s life, she swore, were ingrained in her memory. And she had the soberness to blame for it. Raven hips grinded back against her and Lexa gasped. She let her hands caress Raven’s curves, from her waist, over her hips and back up again, almost grazing the side of her breast, Raven gasped and turned, putting her arms around Lexa’s shoulders 

Raven’s eyes were dark, and she was panting, and there was sheen of sweat between her cleavage that Lexa’s eyes were now glued to. 

“Lexa…” she said bringing Lexa’s attention back up to her eyes, where Raven saw, Lexa’s eye’s had darkened too 

“Why do I want you so bad?” Raven said suddenly. 

And Lexa opened her lips to say something, but Raven shushed her, with a finger on her soft lips. 

“No, don’t say anything, just… dance with me…” Raven said 

“You look ravishing tonight, Rae…” Lexa finally said and it took everything in Raven to not lean in and kiss those lips that always said such wonderful things to her. 

“You always do, but tonight...wow…” Lexa said, her eyes slipping down to her cleavage again, and she hated herself for it, but she just wanted to kiss, to touch, to feel more of Raven... 

Raven brought her lips close to Lexa’s ear, Lexa felt Raven’s body press against hers so sweetly, her breasts flush against Lexa’s chest, Lexa shivered when she felt Raven’s breath against her ear. “Lexa, I think we’re not drunk enough” 

“Oh no, I think we’re just fine.” Lexa rushed to say. 

Now Raven decided she was going to get a little gutsy. 

“How about you stop ogling my boobs, quit with the water, and come get a couple of shots with me?” Raven said, and then softly nibbled on Lexa’s ear. 

When Raven pulled back to look at Lexa, Lexa looked like a deer in the headlights, Raven laughed. 

“You think I’m stupid?” Raven said with a chuckle. 

“I… I thought… I mean…” Lexa stammered. 

“Shut up, come on” Raven took her hand and led them to the bar and called for 3 rounds of shots for all 3 of them. Octavia found them at the bar and the three of them downed their shots one after the other. Cringing at the burn, but laughing at how carefree they felt tonight, 

And then Octavia pulled both of them back out to the dance floor, where they danced, close, frisky and had way too much fun. 

Lexa’s world had begun spinning within 20 minutes, and even though the 3 of them were now dancing together, she found her eyes would often land on Raven and stay there, watching her move. Lexa was a goner. She knew she would be kissing those lips by the end of tonight. She just knew it. She would be trying to initiate it and she hoped Raven would push her away, she hoped Raven would reject her, She hoped Raven would save their friendship. 

Lexa felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to see who it was 

“Hey” Lexa said to the bartender who had helped her keep up with the glasses of water earlier. She had slipped her a tip in advance for her help earlier, and they’d actually had a fun conversation about how rarely this happens, that someone would want water when they were out with their girlfriends for a night of fun... 

“Hi, I actually just got done with my shift, I was gonna get a smoke before heading out, was wondering if you wanna join me.” the woman said. 

Lexa looked at her friends, Octavia was still ever so lost in her groove, bur Raven, Raven’s dancing seemed to have gotten less racy and she was watching Lexa. Lexa’s mind quickly rushed to the idea of grabbing Raven’s hand and taking them to the ladies room, and fucking her senseless against the wall. She shook her head to clear her mind. This was the effect of the alcohol. She quickly turned back to the young lady and said “Yea sure, I could use a smoke right about now.” Lexa said and walked away with the woman. 

Raven watched Lexa walk out to the smoking zone with the woman, and her heart felt things she knew she wasn’t supposed to be feeling. She needed to get over this magnetic pull she felt towards Lexa. She just needed to get through this night, without ruining everything they’d started to mend now. 

Raven’s mind was too fuzzy to think straight, she decided to just be in the moment and enjoy her time here dancing with Octavia. Lexa was an adult. She could take care of herself. And if Lexa was open to another woman's advances like this, she should have been honest with Raven about it from the start. 

Raven hated this, second-guessing and overthinking and tip-toeing. And even more, she hated what it made her feel like. Like Lexa didn’t SEE her anymore. Not in the way she used to at least. 

When Lexa returned, she found Raven and Octavia back at their high table and Raven was on her phone. 

“Hey, where’d you disappear off to?” Octavia slurred. 

“Uhh, just got a smoke with a friend.” Lexa said. 

“Oh is that what we’re calling it these days?” Raven said to her, without looking up from her phone. 

“Who are you texting?” Lexa asked. 

“What does it matter to you?” Raven replied.

“Rae..?!” Lexa asked, shocked at Raven’s sudden change of mood. But then again, all three of them were so high right now, she should have expected mood changes. 

Octavia looked tired. 

“I think we should call it a night” Lexa said. 

“Yea, it’s 2 am, we should head home, I’ll call us a cab.” Octavia said. 

“I’ve called one already” came Raven’s quick retort and again, she wasn’t looking directly up at Lexa. 

“You two okay?” Octavia asked, looking between the both of them. 

They stayed silent. 

“Okay then.” Octavia said, rolling her eyes. 

  
They were out on the curb, waiting for their cab, the club was emptying out now, a lot of people leaving in cabs. 

“Raven, who are you texting? This is supposed to be our night, what happened to GNO?” Lexa asked as she leaned against a lamp post. 

Raven looked up from her phone with an unreadable expression. 

“You’re one to talk. You literally left us there and followed miss bartender out like a love-sick little puppy” Raven said. 

Octavia laughed, thinking this was just one of their moments of banter. 

But then Lexa stepped forward and put her hand over Raven’s phone, pushing it down. 

“Can you please keep this away and have a proper conversation with me?” Lexa said, sounding more irate. 

“Now you wanna have a conversation?” Raven asked, mirroring Lexa’s tone. 

“What is your problem, Raven?” Lexa asked, folding her hands. 

“I don’t have a problem, but it looks like you’ve had a problem right from the time we left the house, you were a downer on your way here, once we got here you fuckin’ ordered water. And then you went around flirting with the bartender!” 

“I wasn’t flirting! And even if I was, what’s it to you? Are you jealous?” Lexa asked. And she knew it was a sore spot. She knew she was being unfair. She knew how it would hurt Raven. But the words were out now, and the alcohol effect was still strong and raging and she knew they were having this conversation now. Right here. 

“Hey, hey hey, what’s going on here?” Octavia asked, coming to stand between them, shocked by the turn of conversation between them and utterly clueless about what was going on. 

“Okay, you wanna have this conversation, let’s have this conversation. You’re damn right, I’m jealous, Lexa. I didn't come out here to watch you virtually undress a bartender.” Raven spat out. 

“Okay, so would it have been better if I had my hand up your skirt instead? Is that what you want?” Lexa said bitterly.

“Lexa!” Octavia was shocked at Lexa’s words. 

“Better me than some stranger who’s just gonna end up hurting you!” Raven said. 

“You hurt me!!! You left me! You kissed me, you fucked me! And then you left me!” Lexa was losing it. 

Octavia stood there shell-shocked listening to the two of them. 

“Okay what the fuck is going on here, one of you care to explain?” she asked, looking between the both of them with shock and anger. 

“It takes TWO to tango, Lexa. I’m tired of you blaming me for what we did. WE. WE DID IT!. We fucked each other brains out, we kissed into the mornings and we decided it was okay for a while. WE!” 

“Fuck!” Lexa said, exasperated, and turning away from them to pace ahead. And then she shot back at Raven. “You wanted to be friends, you don’t get to keep feeling jealous about every single girl that talks to me!” 

Raven laughed then. A loud, hearty laugh. 

“Why are you laughing?” Octavia asked. “Why is she laughing?” Octavia looked at Lexa and Lexa looked worried now. 

“Friends..” Raven said and continued laughing. “I can’t be your friend Lexa”. She sounded calmer now, more defeated than anything. “I'm tired. I can’t do it anymore… I can’t see you with anyone else, cause I’m always wanting it to be me.” 

Lexa’s arms that were folded across her chest now, came down by her sides as she watched Raven sit down at the edge of the sidewalk and drop her head in her hands. 

“I can’t do it. I’m sorry, Clarke, I’m still in love with your wife. I have been since a little after you passed away. Your beautiful, remarkable, gorgeous, maddening wife.” Raven said out loud to no one. 

Octavia froze. Some pieces were starting to come together in her head and she looked between Lexa and Raven and exclaimed “O God.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well? Thoughts?


	39. Chapter 39

Chapter 39 

“Raven…” Lexa now said carefully, stepping closer to where Raven was, but Raven put her hand up to tell her to stop. 

“Nope, let’s forget I said that, let’s forget any of this happened, let’s forget I just admitted my feelings to you AGAIN. And let’s just be friends. I’ll continue to pretend to be okay with that.”

Just then their cab arrived and Octavia hailed it.

“Okay you two, I’m too drunk to be able to process all of this right now. We’re going home. And tomorrow morning, one of you is explaining all of this to me. The honest truth of everything that’s happened from the time Clarke passed away. Got it?” She looked between the two of them, and they nodded. 

“Get your drunk asses in the cab,” Octavia said as she took the passenger seat, and the two of them got in the backseat. 

  
Most of the drive had been silent, Raven was staring out her window, watching the streetlights pass as they made their way towards Octavia’s place. They would be dropping her off first, then Raven and Lexa would take the last drop home. 

“I’m still in love with you too, Raven,” Lexa said out loud in the cab. 

All eyes in the cab turned to her. Even their driver looked at her in the rearview mirror. 

Raven was looking at Lexa unbelievably. 

“I am. I never could stop loving you after I started.” Lexa said, and as she held Raven’s gaze, she knew that really, there wasn’t anything they could do or say now. There was nothing more that could be said. 

She’d said her bit, and everyone who needed to hear had heard her and now there was nothing she could do about it. 

They heard Octavia sigh from the front seat. 

“You two have gotten yourselves into some real shit,” Octavia said, face-palming herself. “I have so many questions.” 

“I’m sorry, O.” Lexa said from the backseat. “We ruined a good night for you.” 

“Oh no, I had some good fun tonight, it’s you two I noticed who had your ups and downs,” she said. “Just get home safe tonight, sleep over it, and let’s all talk tomorrow, please?” Octavia said and she turned back to see Raven nodding, but Lexa’s face looked like she was elsewhere in her thoughts. 

They reached Octavia’s place and got out to hug her goodbye, she made them promise they’d text her once they’re home. 

Lexa and Raven got back into the cab, and Lexa suddenly felt there was too much space between them. 

She reached her hand out into the space between them and Raven looked at her offered hand for a second, and then took it. 

And they kept their hands there, held by the other, between them. Somewhere during the drive, Lexa’s fingers moved against Raven’s and Raven’s breath hitched. 

“Lexa…” Raven pleaded. 

“Raven. I’ll make it right.” Lexa said quickly. 

“How?” Raven said, tears already brimming. 

“Just give me a couple of days.” 

“What is right, anyway?” Raven asked. 

“I’ll find a way for us to be okay,” Lexa said. 

Raven looked sad, but she also looked like she believed Lexa, like she knew Lexa would try to keep them safe and find a way for them to be happy. 

She sighed. 

When they reached Raven’s hotel, Lexa got out of the cab with her to walk her to her lobby entrance. Outside the entrance, Raven turned to face Lexa. 

“I’m sorry, about the insecurity I feel…It keeps coming up… I keep… I keep thinking you’ll forget us... I just didn’t want you to forget us...” Raven said. 

“It’s okay…” Lexa said. “I feel the same. And I’m sorry about the things I said to you. It was unnecessary and nasty and disrespectful” Lexa said, taking both of Raven’s hands in hers. 

“But then you said you’re still in love with me,” Raven said with a small smile. 

“Then I said I’m still in love with you, yes,” Lexa said, looking down between them at their hands, and then back up at Raven’s eyes that looked at her with so much adoration. 

They stared at one another in silence, an unspoken exchange of words. Raven stepped closer to Lexa. 

“I can’t stop thinking about this afternoon,” Raven said. 

“Me too. But also about tonight...” Lexa said 

“What about tonight?” Raven asked. 

“You, dancing with me… moving against me that way…watching me as you were grinding with Octavia, I just… I wanted to drive you up a wall, and kneel before you and just...” Lexa said. 

Raven’s gaze shifted to Lexa’s lips, and she bit her own. She made a quick decision at that moment. 

“Lexa… would you…” she didn’t complete her sentence, but Lexa squeezed her hand instinctively and Raven felt the electricity buzzing between them. She gasped.

She let go of Lexa’s hands, walked up to the cab driver and said. 

“This is it, uh, you can end our trip, we won’t be needing to go to the last stop” Raven told him. He ended the drive, smiling to himself and went on his way. Ravne was grateful for online payments, she’d hate for this moment to be ruined by them scuttling around for change. She swiftly walked back to Lexa and took her hand again and led her into her hotel lobby. 

They rode the elevator up to her floor in silence, but with so much sexual tension between them, just their single hands connected. And once they were outside her door and she was looking for her key card in her purse, she felt Lexa’s hands find her hips again, standing behind her. 

“Patience” Raven said. 

“I’ve been patient all evening,” Lexa said softly near her ear. Raven found her body involuntarily pushing back into Lexa’s. 

“Oh” Lexa moaned against her cheek, her warm breath making Raven shiver. 

“I’ve been patient for 3 years, actually…” Lexa said 

“Come on.” Raven said as she got the door opened and led Lexa inside, only to have Lexa shut the door behind them and quickly push Raven back against the door, her lips connecting with Raven’s immediately. 

They moaned together into the kiss, they’d been waiting for this moment, both of them, for a chance to have this again, for a moment to have this and not feel so guilty about it. The alcohol tonight was helping them forget the guilt, forget everything but the raw emotion and feeling, the sensations running up their skin as hands roamed and lips fought for dominance and tongues met and sought one another out. 

Raven threw her head back against the door as Lexa’s hungry lips kissed down the column of her neck, Raven went weak at the knees. 

“LEX!” she whispered into the quiet of her room. 

“Fuck, I’ve missed you…” Lexa said into her skin, causing vibrations to go through Raven’s skin and send a wave of moisture down to her core. 

Lexa pushed her knee between Raven’s legs and Raven needed to just get her skirt off, so she started to work at the zip behind her, but Lexa took over. Pulling the zip down, and getting the skirt off. Then lifting her crop top up and over her and throwing it aside. 

Lexa’s hand immediately cupped Raven’s breasts over her bra and squeezed. 

“Oh yes!” Raven moaned and gasped with every squeeze of her breasts as Lexa’s lips alternated between her lips, her neck, her shoulders. 

Lexa reached behind Raven and unhooked her bra, and as soon as the material was taken away,   
Lexa leaned down and took a nipple in her mouth, causing Raven to arch her back and hold Lexa’s head carefully there, close to her, urging her on. Oh she’d dreamed of this for so long, of Lexa’s beautiful mouth on her again, working her up this way and making love to her...

“YES! Oh Lexa… I’ve missed you.” she found herself saying

“I’ve missed you too, Rae, all of you…” she said and then continued to suck and kiss, and nibble on Raven’s sensitive peaks, leaving little bites across her soft flesh 

“I need you…” Raven begged, “please...” 

And so Lexa dipped her hand into Raven’s underwear, finding her pool of wetness, waiting to be touched, 

“Fuck! Just like the way it used to be…” Lexa said. 

“You do this to me…” Raven said, referring to just how wet she was down there. And she gasped when Lexa quickly inserted two of her fingers in quickly 

“OH! LEXA!” she said loudly into the room, 

Lexa started to thrust her fingers in and out of Raven, her face coming up to watch her as Raven closed her eyes and grinded down on Lexa’s hand, losing herself to the perfect climb. 

“Faster!” Raven said.

“Tell me what you want...” Lexa said.   
  
“Faster Lexa, I want you to make me come...” Raven said. 

“Like this?” Lexa said against her ear and nibbled against it as she curled her fingers inside Raven, and Raven threw her head back, “Right there! YESSS” Lexa kept hitting her g-spot with every thrust, perfectly, just as she’d always known how to bring Raven to the edge, and when she was sure Raven was almost there, almost nearing climax, Lexa’s lips found Raven’s again, kissing her with the exact opposite pace as her fingers, she kept the pace of the kiss, slow and languid, even as Raven struggled to keep up with the contradictory pace on her body, her breathing erratic against Lexa’s mouth. 

Their breath became one, their tongues playing with one another and Raven’s pussy met Lexa’s hand with every thrust, her knees felt like jelly, but she came, hard against Lexa’s hand, her own hands gripping hard on to Lexa’s shoulders, moaning her name loud and incessantly into the hotel room before them. 

When she was done, Lexa was still kissing her, sweetly, ever so gently. 

“Lex…” she whispered against Lexa’s lips, that were adamant on not letting this kiss stop. 

“Don’t … shhh...” Lexa said, continuing to kiss her. Savouring the moment for them. 

“Let’s go inside...” Raven said to her between kisses. Pushing Lexa’s jacket off her shoulders, and reaching down to open the button and zipper of Lexa’s jeans. 

Raven felt Lexa’s hand tugging at the back of her right thigh and so she hooked one of her legs around Lexa’s hips and Lexa helped in hoisting her up, both her legs now wound around Lexa’s hips, and Lexa’s lips continued to trail kisses down her neck. 

Lexa’s hands were gentle against her back, holding her ever-so-lightly and lovingly. 

“I don’t deserve this...” Raven said. 

“You deserve only love. And I’m tired of denying what I feel for you, Rae...” 

Lexa slowly walked them over towards Raven’s bedroom and put her down on the bed gently.

“I’m tired of it too. I’m so tired of always terming my feelings for you as wrong” Raven said, watching as Lexa confidently got rid of her jeans, then her top, then her bra. 

Raven watched with wonder, as Lexa revealed her beautiful body to her. After all these years, Lexa was still gorgeous, so fucking gorgeous, Raven couldn’t bring herself to stop staring at her bare skin. 

Lexa made to crawl over to her, but Raven pointed at her underwear, signaling to her to take that off too. Lexa smiled and got it off, and Raven got rid of her own too, and scooted back against the backrest of the bed.


	40. Chapter 40

Chapter 40 

Lexa then finally crawled up to her, and started to kiss Raven’s lips. 

“It felt wrong then, but now… now I miss you all the time, and I want you all the time…” Lexa said between kisses, 

“Why should it be so wrong to love someone… to love you… I just want to love you, Lexa” Raven said desperately against Lexa’s lips, “I want to feel you..” Raven said, her hand reaching down between Lexa’s legs and finding her wet and warm, her wetness smeared against her inner thighs too… she soaked her fingers in Lexa’s folds, she felt Lexa shiver, and then she drew her own knees further apart and touched herself with the same fingers that were just between Lexa’s legs….

“Ohhh.. Rae…” Lexa watched with reverence and awe. 

Raven closed her eyes as she touched herself...and Lexa watched Raven’s fingers slowly gliding through her own folds. Lexa’s mouth watered. 

“I want to try something,” Lexa said, suddenly said. Her hand stopped Raven’s from moving any further. 

Raven raised an eyebrow at her in question. 

Lexa then shifted, sitting before Raven, mirroring Raven’s position, her knees apart, facing Raven. 

Raven’s eyes were on Lexa’s centre, her eyes darkened, she looked beautiful, so fucking gorgeous. 

“Come closer…” Lexa said. And Raven scooted closer, Lexa put her right leg over Raven’s and with her hands she brought Raven’s face close to hers 

“I want to make you feel good…” Lexa said 

“I want to...I want to make love to you, Lexa…” Raven said. 

And Lexa brought their lips together once more in a heated kiss, and one final shift and their centre’s touched, causing both of them to moan against one another’s lips. 

“O god! you feel so good!” Raven said breathlessly against Lexa’s lips. 

“Oh Raven… rae…Closer!” Lexa gasped, as she began to slowly grind herself against Raven. 

Raven couldn’t bring herself to focus on the kiss, she was simply breathing against Lexa’s cheek and Lexa was panting too, both of them, now working one another up to a joint orgasm that felt so close yet so far away

“I’m so close Rae…” Lexa said. “It’s been so long, so long since I last…” she spoke vulnerably against Raven’s lips 

“I’ve got you, I’ll make it good for you, for both of us…” Raven panted “but Lex, I’m not there yet, I just.. I need more...” Raven said, throwing her head back, and rubbing herself even more against Lexa… wanting to give her what she needs but also needing her own release 

“Let me...” Lexa said, one of her hands moving down between them to fondle Raven’s breast again, 

“Oh yes!” Raven said, keening further, she just wanted to be so close to her, she wanted to be joined to Lexa in this moment, completely one with her. 

“I’ve missed this… I’ve missed breathing the same air you breathe...” Lexa said close to her ear

Raven shivered, she could feel her orgasm building at the bottom of her spine. 

“I’ve missed you too Lexa, God! I’ve wanted you so badly…” she breathed against Lexa’s neck, then started kissing and sucking at her skin as their bodies worked hard to grind faster, harder

“Rae, I’m almost there…” Lexa said and started kissing against Raven’s lips again. A thin layer of sweat had coated both their bodies, but they didn’t care, this would feel so worth the effort. 

“Mmmm., Oh Lexa… yes yes yes…” Raven started to moan, getting louder and louder, and then Lexa’s moans joined hers, both of them, forgetting all else, and just reveling in the closeness, holding one another tight, in this beautiful reunion of their bodies, their hearts, both of them coming together, their arms wrapped around one another, their lips meeting sloppily, their hands roaming, and their hearts beating erratically, their bodies trying so hard to be one, because that’s where their souls were at right now. Joined. Elated. A feeling that was lost for 3 years, now back again in a matter of minutes. 

They rode it together, blissfully, surrendering to the orgasm, that started between their legs and crept through their veins, filling their hearts and heads with unmatched pleasure and passion.   
Finally, they were both scooting down, their legs tangled and heads falling to their pillows, spent, but still connected, cuddling close and kissing softly. 

The kisses slowed down, growing languid and softer, still ever so explorative. Their hands too, remained moving against one another's skin, wanting to re-memorize everything they’d learned about the other’s body. 

It was 4 am now, and they were making out, their high from the alcohol fizzling out to a high from one another's touch. 

“Promise me, you’ll stay…” Raven said, 

“Hmm?” 

“I don't want to wake up alone tomorrow, not after tonight,” Raven said softly. 

“I’ll stay, I promise,” Lexa said without a moment’s pause. 

“I don’t want to hide us.” Lexa said after a while, her hand playing in Raven’s hair. Lexa was staring up at the ceiling, and Raven was draped around her, Raven’s head resting on her chest right above her breasts, her arm wrapped around her middle, her leg draped across her legs. 

“Me neither,” Raven said thoughtfully. “We’re gonna have to explain it to O tomorrow though,” Raven said. 

“Yea… and so that means Lincoln will know too...” Lexa said, her fingers reveling in the softness of Raven’s beautiful brown hair. 

Raven kissed over Lexa’s chest then and they stayed silent. 

“I wonder if Octavia judges us...” Lexa said. “I wonder if it’ll make everyone judge us...” 

Raven sighed. 

“I know it’s no one else's business. But… Everyone loved Clarke, and...” 

Raven looked up at Lexa, thoughtfully

“I just wonder if they’ll see it as us doing Clarke wrong, even after all these years...” Lexa finished. 

“Do YOU think we’d be doing her wrong?” Raven asked her. 

“No. if you asked me 3 years ago, yes, I would have thought that maybe. But now… I don’t know… I just feel lonely too much. I just want to be loved again, and I want to love again. And not just love anyone, I want to love you, Rae.” she said, looking at Raven with so much sincerity in her eyes. 

Raven leaned up and kissed Lexa again. This woman and her words. 

“And I know Clarke would want me to be happy. I do know that.” Lexa said. 

Raven looked sad now. “She would. I’m just not sure how she would feel about you finding that happiness with me. I’m not sure she’d be happy about that. She may even be mad at me.” Raven said, she looked so sullen. 

Lexa wished she could comfort Raven, make her feel like she had Clarke's blessing. But truly, they would never know. They would never know how Clarke would have felt to know her wife who outlived her, was now in love with her best friend. 

Lexa shifted now, and leaned in over Raven instead and kissed her forehead, then her nose, then her eyes and finally her lips, softly and sweetly.

“I can’t speak for Clarke. I can only assume, she’d want the both of us to find peace in one way or the other” 

“I find my peace when I’m with you… I really do” Raven admitted, kissing Lexa back. 

“I know, I know Rae…” she whispered lovingly. 

They cuddled one another, and were soon falling asleep when Lexa heard Raven whisper again 

“Lexa, you’ll be here when I wake up right?” 

“I’ll be right here” Lexa said and they drifted off to sleep. 

  
Lexa’s eyes opened at exactly 7 am. She didn’t know why, but she was awake now, and she had a headache and she knew she should take an aspirin for the headache, or at least get some more water into her system. So she slowly untangled herself from Raven’s arms, pulled out an old baggy t-shirt from Raven’s drawer, put it on and went out to the living area. 

She got herself a glass of water and then spotted Raven’s phone with her bag from last night kept on the little table near the doorway. She thought Raven might need her phone near her when she woke up, so she decided to take it back to the bedroom 

She made her way back to the room and placed the phone down on Raven’s bedside table, but just as she moved away, she noticed a name in the message notifications that looked all too familiar and in an instant brought negative feelings to her insides. 

Miles Shaw. There were a couple of messages from him. Raven was in touch with him? Lexa wondered. She hated herself for doing this, but she read the messages from the notification bar on the locked screen. 

“Glad you texted Raven, I was just thinking about you.”   
“Hello? Raven you there?  
“You can’t just send me a photo of you dressed like that and then ghost me, if this is another booty call, say it is, and I’ll be there.”  
“Haven’t seen you since I left DC the last time anyway, and I know you’re back in New York now too. So let me know if you’re up for some fun.  
Touching myself thinking about you ;)” 

Lexa felt an odd anger rise in her, that she didn’t know could exist. And anger and disgust. Raven had been sleeping around with Shaw in DC?!? 

Lexa moved in autopilot. Quickly gathering her clothes, her things and rushing out to the wee hours of the morning. It was only until she hailed a cab and got in that she allowed herself to feel everything she was feeling right now. Anger, hurt, jealousy, all of it. She hated it. She hated every bit of the images that were forming in her mind of their own accord. She wished she could just shut her thoughts off. And as the tears came, she only hoped some black hole would open up under her and swallow her whole. 

  
When Raven woke up, she woke up with a feeling of dread. Because in an instant she knew, she felt the same she had felt for 3 years, waking up to an empty bed. 

She turned around, to find Lexa was gone. She looked around the room, there was no trace of her. 

She got up from the bed, her head was spinning, she needed to get back to bed, but first, Lexa. She needed to check if she was still around, she should be, she promised she would be right? Raven’s mind filled with thoughts about how Lexa could have changed her mind this morning. Did she regret what they shared last night? 

Raven went out to her living room, and the kitchen and then came back to her bed. Lexa wasn’t here. She sat down on her bed and held her face in her hands. 

Last night had been so wonderful. So hopeful, Raven thought Lexa was on the same page as her, what happened? Why did she leave? 

She looked around for her phone then, maybe she should call her? Or maybe Lexa left a text. Her phone was on the bedside table, but she doesn’t remember keeping it there. Maybe Lexa brought it here she thought as she reached out and unlocked the screen. 

Miles. 

Shit. Raven stood up, startled. Lexa. Lexa must have read Miles’ texts. SHIT SHIT SHIT. 

Raven quickly tried Lexa’s phone number. Unavailable. She quickly texted her instead. 

“Lexa? Where are you? Please call me when you see this…” but the text wasn’t even getting delivered. 

Raven paced. She finally called Octavia. 

“O, I need to speak with you” 

“Damn right you need to speak with me, you didn’t even text when you got home. Are you even home?”

“We slept together last night” Raven blurted. 

Octavia was silent on the other end and then “Perfectly splendid. Come over. Let’s talk. Is she coming with?” Octavia asked. 

“That’s what I needed your advice on, she left, and I think I’ve hurt her and that’s why.” Raven spoke, worry heavy in her tone. 

“You think. You don’t know?” 

“Well, I’m fairly certain what the reason could be, I don’t think anything else would have motivated her to run so quickly away...”

Octavia sighed. “Nothing makes sense to me, Come over, let’s talk. I’ll try to reach Lexa and ask her to come too.”

“Thanks, O” 


	41. Chapter 41

Chapter 41: 

When Raven arrived at Octavia’s, her first question to Octavia when she pulled the door open was “Did you get through to her?” 

“No, she seems to have switched her phone off.” Octavia said. 

Raven walked in, looking tense. 

“What happened? You said you may have done something to hurt her?” Octavia said. 

“GOD, I’M SO STUPID!” Raven said, covering her face with her own hands. 

Octavia came up to her, and squeezed her arm gently, “Raven, relax, whatever it is, I’m sure you can fix it...” 

“No, no, maybe not this time... She’s not gonna budge this time...” Raven said, finally looking at Octavia and Octavia saw the way her eyes teared up. 

She hugged her and said, “Sit down, let me get you some water, I need you to calm down and then I want you to tell me in detail, everything that’s been going on between you two. I can’t help you two if I don’t know what’s going on.”

“Okay, but can you please help me find out if she’s okay? Can we go over to her place?” Raven said. 

“I don’t think that may be a good idea, if she’s mad at you. Let me ask Lincoln if he can go check on her, on his way back from his morning run.” 

Raven nodded. 

“Is Livvy awake?” 

“Oh no. She wakes up at 6 am and then goes back to sleep at around 7 am, only to wake again at around 9.30 am” Octavia said with laughter in her tone. 

Raven smiled. “Motherhood looks good on you O, can’t stress that enough.” 

Octavia smiled and went into the kitchen and brought her a glass of water and sat down with her. 

“It’s my favourite role yet. But doesn't mean I’ve forgotten how to be the friend that has to get you out of trouble” Octavia said with a wink. And Raven acknowledged with a smile and a hand on her knee, squeezing comfortingly. 

Raven waited for Octavia to call Lincoln and once that was done, she told Octavia everything. She told her about the first few days after Clarke had passed and how difficult a time that had been for them, she told her about how they somehow found a groove, a routine around one another, and how that slowly became comforting, so much that if that routine shifted even a little out of place, either of them would find themselves getting upset. 

She told her about how they sought comfort in the form of physical affection like holding hands at first. and how that suddenly extended to close proximity, and then the kisses that began the day Lexa had that panic attack at the school, and how from then on, it was like going down a roller coaster, the rush of it all, it was their only escape from the pain of losing their Clarke. 

“We had created a little bubble for ourselves, no one could hurt us when we were together, no one could take away what we shared, we drowned in it eventually, felt it consume us, until I didn’t know what my grieving felt like without her, and she too, had all her emotions messed up with me.” 

“I fell in love with her O, and I know now she fell in love with me too, even though neither of us would let her admit it then. It was too soon, so soon after Clarke… I couldn’t let her admit to such a thing then..." 

Raven noticed Octavia wipe a tear rolling down her own cheek. 

“I left her here. And ran far away from her. To get a grip on my emotions. I thought staying away would help me get over her, so that I could come back and be a friend, a good friend like Clarke would have wanted... But..” 

“But it’s not as easy as that when you fall in love” Octavia filled in for her. 

“It’s not. I couldn't get her off my mind, I still loved her and I still cared so much about her, and I knew it wasn't just going to go away, so I decided to come back, and pretend like I’m okay being friends with her. 

I didn’t realize how much I'd be hurting her by showing up unannounced like that. She was angry. And I apologized after she made me realize how selfish I'd been in all of my decisions. And so I vowed that then on, I'd follow her lead. I’d be what she wants me to be. If she wants me to stay her friend, I'll be the friend, if she wants more, I'll be more. I just love her with all my heart and I wanted her to feel that. God, I took away 3 years of our friendship, just like that, and at a point in time when she probably needed me most, we lost CLARKE for god’s sake!” 

“Shhhh, it’s okay…” Octavia comforted her, reaching out to put her hand on Raven’s shoulder and rubbing against her back soothingly. 

“I had to leave O, I was so afraid of what we were doing, what we were becoming to one another it was… wrong…” 

“Love can’t be wrong, Rae…” Octavia said after a moment’s pause. And when Raven allowed herself to digest what Octavia was saying, she quickly looked at her more intently.

“O, you don't hate us for what we did?” Raven said. 

“Hate you? No. I mean… of course it would have been questionable then, 3 years ago, we all took so long to accept the loss, but now, if you’re telling me now, that after 3 years of trying to cover this up and do away with it, your feelings for each other remain the same, then who am I to judge love.” 

Raven exhaled a deep breath she didn’t realize she was holding. She quickly brought Octavia in for a hug 

“We were so afraid you’d hate us, you’d be mad at what we’d become to one another… cause of Clarke...” 

“As much as we don’t like to recall, Clarke is dead, Rae. She’s passed. And we’ve had to pick up our pieces and move on. We can’t let her down anymore. We can’t cause she’s no longer here, she’s with us in our hearts of course, but other than that, she shouldn’t stop us from going on with life… and I know both of you would have fought that idea so much in your heads…” 

“Every day since I realized I’m in love with Lexa, every day, Octavia!” Raven looked pained as she said it. “I feel like I’m betraying her, betraying our friendship.” 

“But you’re also making sure the one person Clarke loved above everything and everyone else, is cared for and loved, maybe Clarke might thank you for that one day when you see her again” 

“Maybe” Raven said, still so unsure of everything. 

“Okay, so this is the basics, now tell me what you did to hurt Lexa?” 

  
Lexa was laying in bed, staring at her ceiling, tears rolling down the sides of her temple and into her hair. She felt miserable. And about what? 

Raven had told her she was in love with her before leaving 3 years ago. And yet she saw Miles Shaw multiple times when they were apart. The one guy That Raven had known Lexa felt uncomfortable having around Raven. 

After that little get together at the ceremony with the trustees all those years ago, Lexa had made it clear to Raven how uncomfortable she got when Shaw had been flirting with her, and Raven had assured her that she had eyes only for Lexa. 

So why go sleep with the very same man. 4 times. Over the last 3 years. WHY. 

Lexa’s anger was multi-layered. 1. Towards herself for feeling jealous. 2. Towards Raven for sleeping around with Shaw after everything. 3. Towards Raven for never telling her that little detail. 4. Towards herself for not giving Raven a chance to explain this morning, and breaking her promise about being there when rave woke up. 

Lexa turned to her side and then stared at her phone. She’s switched it off the minute she’d left Raven’s hotel. She didn’t want to hear from her. Not right now. Not anytime soon. But she didn’t want to worry Raven. And she knew Raven would be worried right now. About her. 

Lexa’s doorbell rang. She sighed. Could that be Raven. She couldn't deal with this right now if that was Raven. She really couldn’t. She knew she would end up saying hurtful things that she’d never be able to take back, and she needed some time to process her feelings about all of this. It’s surely wrong of her to judge Raven for seeking some sort of physical pleasure while she was away for so long, and if it was anyone else, Lexa would get over it. But it was Miles Shaw. the one person that Lexa had witnessed flirting with Raven right before her eyes and she’d despised him then on. Raven knew that. 

Lexa looked through the peephole to find Lincoln. She quickly opened the door. 

“Lincoln! What are you doing here?” Lexa looked around in the hallway in search of O. “Is everything okay? Is Livvy alright?” her mind immediately concluded the worst. 

“No no, everything’s fine… Lexa..” he assured her. 

“Come in…” she told him. He was sweating slightly and in his training tracks and a t-shirt. He must have just finished with his morning run. 

“What are you doing here?” 

“Your phone’s off… they asked me to just check on you, if everything’s okay with you…” Lincoln explained. 

Lexa sighed and folded her arms across her chest.

“Look, lincoln…” she started. 

“You don’t HAVE to explain anything to me… in fact I have zero context of what’s going on, just following the wifey’s orders here...” 

Lexa smiled softly at that. “I appreciate Octavia’s concern…” Lexa said. 

“You don’t look like you’re alright Lexa. maybe come over, talk it out with them?” Lincoln asked. 

“I’ll be fine Lincoln, really. I’m just… I want to be alone.” Lexa said, looking sad now. 

Lincoln nodded, still looking so concerned. “Okay. No problem… just give any of us a call okay, if you need anything…” he said. 

Lexa nodded and Lincoln made to move towards the door. 

“Do you need water or anything…?” Lexa felt bad, Lincoln had come over to check on her, and he clearly went out of his way. 

“No no, I'm fine, well-hydrated, unlike you three.” he said with a wink and a smile.

Just as he reached the door, Lexa said. “Tell Raven I need some time? That I’ll reach out to her?” she finally said. 

“Sure” he said and left after waving goodbye. 


	42. Chapter 42

Chapter 42: 

It had been a whole week now. Raven had booked herself another Airbnb and was staying there now. She’d had the toughest week yet, but spent most of her time inside, trying to keep herself busy and her mind off what it meant now, that Lexa wasn’t talking to her. 

Was Lexa disgusted by her? Was she completely hurt beyond repair, would she never forgive Raven? Raven was beginning to hate everything about this whole scene. They seemed to be constantly unhappy and they seemed to always be hurting one another and she was so tired of that now, and she bet Lexa was tired of it too. Was this Lex’s way of saying she’d had enough. Was this how things between them finally ended? 

Raven wanted to explain, how she had never intended to sleep with Shaw specifically. And she definitely never intended for it to become a regular fuck. It was just a way to keep herself distracted from the pain. The pain of being away. 

Her phone buzzed. 

“We've been going about this all wrong, Rae” the text read, it was Lexa. 

Raven couldn't help the tears. 

“I know,” she replied. 

“We need to talk. Can you meet me tomorrow, at my place?” 

“Sure. 7 pm pounds good?” Raven replied. 

“Yes” came Lexa’s reply. 

That was it. That was their conversation and it scared Raven what tomorrow would be like if this was how they were talking to one another now. 

“I promised you, I’d make things right… I'm keeping that promise.” Lexa said. 

Raven took a deep breath, what did this mean? But she couldn’t help herself when she replied 

“You promised me you’d stay.” she texted. 

“I did. I’m sorry. Something changed that morning. I couldn't be there. But I’ve had time to process what I feel about all of this...” Lexa replied, “And I know what needs to be done now.” 

It scared Raven. The clipped way in which Lexa replied. This was the end. She knew it. Tomorrow would be the end of whatever this had become. 

“Okay” 

Lexa had had a whole week to process every emotion she’d felt that morning. The jealousy came from a place of knowing she couldn’t have Raven without all the guilt overwhelming them, and that in that time, Raven could seek comfort from whoever she could. She had no right over Raven that way, they had never defined themselves as anything more than friends. And she had no right holding this against Raven. 

And if Raven was still seeing Shaw, then Lexa owed Raven a chance to explain. She needed to hear Raven out. And she’d do that. And maybe they could find a way to be okay again. But there was in fact one way she could take this a step ahead. It may mean nothing, and it may not make all that much of a difference, but it was something, and she knew both their hearts would feel a little lighter if she did this one small thing. 

Maybe it would be enough, maybe it would turn this whole thing into an even bigger disaster, but she had made up her mind now. And she needed this to be out. Octavia knew. And Lincoln knew now. And the two of them had shown no signs of judgment. Octavia had even called her multiple times throughout the week to let her know that while it came as a surprise, she was just glad her friends had found some peace and comfort in one another, she was happy for them if they’d found a way to share love. 

But she also knew that they had complications to fix, and she urged Lexa to hear Raven out. To give this a chance it deserves. And Lexa had been convinced. She just had something she needed to do before talking to Raven. Because this, this would mean something. She had to trust it would help them along. 

She had to trust this step was necessary in the larger scheme of things, and she was 80% sure it may work well. But that 20% scared the living daylights out of her. But this was the bravest she’d felt in years. 

So Lexa knocked on the door and waited. She’d texted her this morning saying she’d be coming over, and when she’d asked if everything was okay, Lexa assured her everything was fine. But truly, nothing felt fine about this. Even now, she was in 2 minds whether she should just go back home and forget about this. 

The door opened and Abby stood there with a warm smile, “Lexa, come in” she said. And once she’d closed the door behind her, she enveloped her in a hug that felt comforting and warm and so very Abby. 

“I’m so glad you came over, it’s been a while...” Abby said “Come on in, I’ll make you something to eat.” 

“No, Abby, I’m fine, I ate before coming over, really...” 

“Nonsense, you can eat some more, come on...” She said, leading her towards the kitchen, where she whipped up some waffles and they ate together, talking about things like Kane’s newest project, Lexa’s work, Livvy and just random topics about the neighborhood, politics, and the like. 

After a while, they finally found themselves seated in the living room, on the couch and Abby was the first to bring up Lexa’s unrest. 

“So, now, do you want to tell me what’s on your mind?” she asked Lexa. 

Lexa looked at her with a raised brow.

“Don’t think I couldn’t tell from the moment you entered here that you have something to get off your chest” Abby said. 

Lexa gulped and looked down at her hands. 

“Abby, there’s something…” she started. 

Abby shifted closer and took Lexa’s hands in hers and said 

“I can see that whatever it is, it’s troubling you a whole lot” Lexa looked up at Abby’s eyes and saw the care in them, she genuinely looked so worried and so keen on wanting to help. 

Lexa eyes began to water again, and this seemed to worry Abby even more. 

“Oh honey” Abby said and brought Lexa into her embrace again, rubbing soothing circles on her back and saying “Shhhh, whatever it is, you can talk to me about it, you look like you really just need to let it out...” 

“I do…” Lexa said into her shoulder, she then sat up straighter again and took a deep breath trying to steady her nerves.

“I do have something to tell you Abby, but I don’t know how you’d react and it scares me so much...” 

Abby chuckled even as she squeezed Lexa’s hand tightly and said “This reminds me of when Clarke came out to me, Lexa you don’t have to come out to me, you literally married my daughter...” Aby said with a smile.

This made even Lexa chuckle, even if just for a second. 

“No Abby…” 

“Just say it, whatever it is… I’ll help you the best way I can, you’re my daughter, Lexa...” 

Lexa nodded. She took another deep breath, trying to control her tears and also her racing heart. Abby had always been like a mom to her. Clarke had always warned her, marrying her was like making sure Abby got in her business and Lexa didn’t mind it one bit. She absolutely loved how much Abby cared for the two of them, and always tried to help them through the roughest times in their relationship. 

“Abby, before I tell you what it is… I want to say that.. Clarke meant the world to me, she still means the world to me, the memory of her stays with me and that keeps me going...” Lexa said sincerely. 

Abby nodded in understanding 

“I don’t mean in any way to be disrespectful to her, she’s my wife. She was my wife. And I would never intentionally dishonor her… which is why… I need your advice...”

Abby seemed to get a little more serious now. 

“I need your advice first as my mother in law. Second as my own mother-figure. Is that okay?” 

Abby nodded.

“Abby, I’m in love with someone,” Lexa said. The certainty with which she admitted it surprised herself. She didn't realize just how sure she was about this until it was out there. She was sure now. She was in-love again. It may not be the way she is in love with Clarke. No. Everything about this love felt different. It was elder. Maybe based on so much sadness and comfort, but it could become more, it was becoming more. For sure. Lexa could feel that in her bones every time Raven kissed her or held her lovingly, or looked at her with so much admiration and respect. 

Abby smiled softly. “Lexa, we’ve had this conversation before… I told you… moving on is hard, but it’s not impossible. It takes months for some, years for some others, and if you feel you’re ready to share something special with someone again Lexa, I don’t want you holding back thinking of Clarke. Clarke would want you to be happy. And this is both your mother-in-law and your mother-figure speaking” Abby said, warmly. 

“Abby, it’s Raven.” Lexa finally said. 

And now Abby was stumped. She almost flinched at the thought and that was enough to tell Lexa, this was not going to go down well. Bile rose in Lexa’s throat. 

“I don’t understand… when… how did this happen…? Raven wasn’t here…” Abby stuttered. 

“Let me explain...” Lexa said. 

“Lexa, please tell me this development happened after Clarke…” 

Lexa realized in that moment that Abby thought… 

“ABBY! I WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON CLARKE. I DIDN’T CHEAT ON CLARKE!” Lexa rushed to make that clear as day. 

Abby took it. She nodded. “Okay, then tell me what happened...” 

Lexa began to explain to her, with not too many details, that in grieving together, they found a new sense of comfort in one another, and their feelings ended up getting involved. She then told her about how Raven tried to right the situation, and make things okay again. That the only reason Raven moved to another city was to get away from Lexa so that they could give themselves the time to grieve properly, individually, to let go of the dependency they had on one another, to respect their Clarke and honour her the way she deserved to be. 

And then Lexa told her that after a few weeks of Raven being back now, and them trying to keep things cordial, they were sure the 3 years spent apart were for nothing. They both felt just as strongly for one another, and it’s been haunting them for 3 years now. 

“I thought if she came back and didn’t feel the same way, I would eventually fall out of it too. But neither of us has been able to get over it. And neither of us knows how to handle this… We love Clarke so much, all of it feels so wrong and so disrespectful Abby… And we’re both hurting each other immensely trying to stay on the right side of this. 

Abby took a deep breath and exhaled heavily. She then stood up and paced before Lexa. 

Lexa stayed quiet, staring down at her hands. 

“I can’t speak for Clarke, Lexa… If that’s what you came looking for…” Abby said. 


	43. Chapter 43

Chapter 43: 

“No. No, I don't expect you to speak for Clarke. I just want you to speak for yourself. If you tell me now that you’re okay with this… with your widowed daughter-in-law moving on with your daughter's best friend… then I’ll give you a hug and say thank you. If you tell me now that you’re not okay with this, I’ll still give you a hug and say thank you. 

Because I owe Raven an explanation. A conversation where we try to decide once and for all what we want to be to one another, and until then until I hear her side of things too, I won’t be making a decision... I just... I need to know what you think” Lexa said. 

“Well, of course I’m not going to tell you you shouldn’t get to experience love again, Lexa. You’re young. Clarke would have wanted you to find happiness too...” Abby said. 

“I know that. It’s just... when Raven’s name is brought up in the equation, it tends to become a more complicated situation” Lexa admitted. Abby nodded. 

Abby then came back to the couch and sat beside Lexa and took her hand in hers. she seemed pensive. 

“When Raven and Clarke were little, they would have sleepovers here...” 

Lexa listened intently. And she watched as Abby smiled at the memory she was having. 

“Oh you should have seen them, they’d be so excited through the week, at the idea of having this sleepover-weekend every alternate week…” 

Lexa could totally picture it, she’d heard so many of their childhood stories, so much about how the two of them grew up together…

“One day Raven was dropped off here by her dad, and she looked so sad, I tried asking her what happened, but she wouldn’t tell me. Soon enough, she was distracted, and Clarke was good at keeping her entertained. That evening I was making chocolate chip cookies...” 

“Clarke’s favorite,” Lexa said, smiling. 

“Yep, and you know how she is with them, she doesn’t like to share from her share of them...” Abby said, 

Lexa laughed. Oh she knew. Back in the day when they had just started dating, she once picked 1 out of 3 cookies that Clarke had put into a plate for herself at tea time, and bit into it, and when Clarke turned to find her plate had 2 in it and that 1 was in Lexa’s mouth, she was enraged. 

She didn’t talk to Lexa for hours, Lexa could never forget how much it took to convince Clarke she’d never do that again. And she never did after that. She had learned her lesson that day. Don’t mess with Clarke’s share of cookies. 

“Little Raven had disappeared to the bathroom while I plated them 2 cookies each, and I turned to pour them 2 glasses of milk and when I returned and placed the glasses of milk beside their plates, I noticed, that Clarke's plate now had 1 and Raven’s had 3.” 

“You’re kidding me?” Lexa said, looking at Abby shocked. 

“Clarke,?” Abby had asked her little daughter, suspiciously 

“She deserves more cookies today. She’s sad.” little Clarke had said. 

“You don’t give me extra cookies when I'm sad” Abby had argued with her little girl, just wanting to nudge her. 

“You’re not Raven” Clarke had said, so simply. 

Lexa laughed now as Abby tried to mimic little Clarke’s tone. 

They stayed silent then, relishing the memory of sweet, sweet Clarke. 

“Listen Lexa, honey. The story could be completely inconsequential, it could mean nothing now, years later, but I do know, and I’ve seen with my own eyes how Raven’s friendship meant the world to Clarke. She would often go out of her way to be there for Raven, and I’m sure Raven did the same for Clarke… The two of them knew each other on a level I never understood. 

“Yea, me neither,” Lexa said. 

“But Clarke only ever shared her cookies with Raven. And that means Raven was special to her. So I know that even though Clarke may not be here, she would want for Raven to find happiness. She would want Raven to find peace and love the way she did.   
And if that love is to be found with you Lexa, and if you find that love and peace once more in Raven, I’m not going to stand in between that love. You both deserve to be happy and if you find that with one another, I’m happy for the both of you, I am.” Abby said with a warm smile, and reached out to squeeze Lexa’s hand comfortingly. 

Lexa let out a breath she didn't know she was holding in and then she burst out crying from the relief, and Abby brought her into a hug once more. 

“What is it…?” Abby asked her, knowing there was more she wanted to say. 

“I’m so tired… we’re always fighting… because we’re always tip-toeing around one another, But Abby I love her…” Lexa explained. 

“Then go. Be with her Talk to her. Fix this. I’m sure you will find a way to share something beautiful….” Abby said. “I mean look at me, it took me years, but I found love again, Lexa. and I know you deserve that chance again too” Abby said. 

Lexa then pulled away and wiped at her tears and smiled and nodded. 

  
It was 7 pm, and Raven was standing before a door, behind which was the place she once considered home. Well, she still considered this place home, but it was more complicated than that. She was nervous. Scared. She was not ready to hear Lexa say she was tired of them. Of both of them acting like this wasn’t taking a toll on their hearts. She was not ready to hear Lexa say she’d had enough, that knowing she’d slept with Shaw had been the last straw, that she couldn’t find it in herself to forget all the things Raven had done to forget her, and even though she was here now, it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough at all. 

Raven decided, waiting was not helping in any way, if this was going to happen she needed to get it done with and then go home and lick her wounds with a bottle of whiskey. 

She rang the doorbell. 

Lexa opened the door “Hi” she said 

“Hi” replied Raven. 

“Come in, make yourself comfortable, I’ll get us something to drink,” Lexa said, not making eye contact with Raven. Raven felt sick to her stomach. 

She nodded and followed Lexa in. She breathed in that beautiful smell of home, it felt good being back here again, after all these years. She wanted to cry as the air enveloped her. This homely, cozy place she had once called home, she, Clarke, and Lexa. This had been their home and she so badly wanted to just be here again. 

She walked into the living room, as Lexa went into the kitchen. 

“Wine will do?” Lexa called out. 

“Yea” Raven replied. She stood staring at the sofa bed. The very same one. Lexa hadn’t gotten rid of it. She gulped and then walked towards the balcony instead. If they were going to talk, and if Lexa was going to end things between them tonight, she was sure she didn’t want that conversation happening on the same couch they’d made love on. No that would be a next-level pain to endure. 

Lexa found her on the balcony, standing by the railing looking over at the quiet evening street. This balcony faced a quiet road and not the main road where life was bustling. The soft street lamps had just turned on bringing light to a slowly darkening evening. 

Lexa handed her a glass of wine ‘Here” she said. 

“Thanks.” Raven said, accepting it and taking a small sip. 

“Raven… I’m sorry I left that day… I just…” Lexa began.

“You saw his texts.” Raven said, looking down into her glass. 

“Yea” Lexa said. 

“Can I explain?” Raven asked. 

“Sure” Lexa said, taking a big sip herself. 

“I know I told you I’m trying to control my jealousy every time I see you with someone else, but I got triggered again, and it must have been the alcohol, or just the atmosphere of being in a club and partying, I ran to the one thing I used to use as a way to distract myself from you. I pulled up Shaw’s chat window and sent him a photo of what I was wearing this evening, just for some attention, and I don’t know what I expected from him, maybe at that moment I wanted to forget about you. And he seemed like the best option.”

Lexa visibly cringed, and Raven knew she was hurting her. 

“You have to understand, Lex, whatever he and I had, it was frivolous. He would be in DC for work, and he’d let me know, and after the first night I met him just to catch up on things, I ended up telling him about how I was going through something, and I was here in DC to forget it all, and that turned into this shady arrangement where we would just have sex. End up at his hotel room or at my place some nights and fuck. That’s all. I felt nothing for him. I’d often wake up the next morning still thinking about you and hating myself even more.

So that night too, I don’t know what I was looking for, I just didn’t know what else to do. I saw you go away with that bartender girl and my mind conjured up all sorts of images, of you kissing her, of you fucking her against the bathroom wall, of you going home with her…” 

“Raven…” Lexa tried. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I complicated all of this. But you have to know, I'm not seeing Shaw anymore. In fact he was surprised I texted that day because I had ended our arrangement completely the last time I saw him. I told him I was sorry for using him that way, and he said he knew from the beginning this was just them having fun, so he had no hard feelings. I even texted him that day after you left saying I was sorry but I would be deleting his number for a while cause I couldn’t believe I had resorted to texting him, the minute I felt a little rejection from you, I’ve got so much to work on Lexa, and if you're leaving me today, if you’re going to be shattering whatever we have between us today, I know it’s my fault and I will put in the work to better myself, and maybe one day, we could be friends again… without having to worry about getting jealous or insecure or any of that stuff...” Raven said all at once. 

“Raven… shush. I don’t want to be friends with you anymore, I thought we made that clear already...” Lexa said. 

Raven looked at Lexa with teary eyes. She looked away towards the street just when she felt a tear roll out. 

When Lexa spoke again, she sounded like she had stepped closer. So Raven looked at her and she was closer than before. 

“Raven, the only reason I left for a smoke with that bartender girl was if I had stayed any longer, I would have carried you myself to the ladies' room, kissed you senseless, and had my hand between your legs in seconds...” 

Raven's heart skipped a beat at Lexa's words. “What?!” Raven exclaimed softly. 

“That night, I allowed myself the satisfaction of watching you, without feeling any shame or guilt for what I felt like doing with you. And I hated myself for being such a hypocrite. One moment wanting us to be friends, one moment wanting to take you home and make love to you again…” Lexa said. “I was so hurt when after that beautiful night, I got to know that Miles was the man you’d slept with…” Lexa said. 

“I hated that you had to find out that way… I was going to tell you soon, I just... I knew how much you disliked him from before, and I wanted to make sure you wouldn’t just leave me in a fit of anger and not let me explain… and so I was waiting for the right time, I wish you didn’t have to find out that way…” Raven explained. 

“I’m sorry I took a week to talk to you again, I just… I knew what I wanted, I knew everything I felt for you, I knew I had no right to judge who you slept with, and honestly, I'd have lesser of an issue if it was anyone else but Miles Shaw.” 

“Luna?” Raven asked, trying to make the conversation light 

“okay , I’d have a problem with Luna too.” Lexa said, a slight smile at the corner of her lips. 

Raven took a careful step closer now while taking a sip from her glass. 

“I’m saying it again. He means nothing to me. He was just at the wrong place at the wrong time the first time, and since he was a familiar face, I threw caution to the wind and acted on instinct, an instinct to just do something to help me forget…” Raven said. 

Lexa nodded. 

“I'm sorry, again…” Raven felt she needed to say it clearly. 

“It’s okay,” Lexa said. 

They stayed silent now. 

“Lexa, did you call me here to end things, because if yes, you should do it quickly. I don’t think I can… I don’t think I can bear slow pain right now…” Raven said, a choke of a sob making itself evident. 


	44. Chapter 44

Chapter 44: 

Lexa looked into her eyes, with a gaze so loving Raven was suddenly unsure of Lexa’s intention of bringing her here 

“I told you I was going to make it right” 

“Making it right could mean so many things Lex… please just be clear with me, I’m a big girl, I’ll handle it…” Raven said. 

Lexa took both their wine glasses and kept it aside then. And slowly came up closer to Raven. She looked down between the two of them and took Raven’s hands in hers gently. 

“Raven… would you dance with me?” she asked, carefully. 

The request was odd. They’d just been having such an intense conversation. Was this how Lexa was trying to soften the blow. End whatever this was between them while she was holding her. But Raven loved Lexa. And she trusted Lexa. and if Lexa wanted to dance with her, she wanted to dance with Lexa. 

Raven nodded softly, even as a tear fell from her eyes down her cheek. She shut her eyes and Lexa brought her hands over her shoulders and placed her own softly on Raven’s hips.

Lexa heard her sniffle. 

“Shhh, Rae… I’m not ending things between us… please trust me…” Lexa said softly as she began to slowly sway them both to no music, just the almost silence of the evening. Raven, who felt so tense under her hands, seemed to have relaxed a bit, her body became less stiff and molded to Lexa’s easily. Raven shivered. She was scared. 

“What are we doing then…?” Raven finally asked. 

“Enjoying a moment….” Lexa said. And that relaxed Raven further. Because Lexa was allowing them a moment to just be. Here. Be present with one another. Have this beautiful moment on the balcony, dancing close, and cozy. 

Lexa’s cheek was warm against Raven’s and Raven thanked the stars for small blessings like the feeling of Lexa’s warmth. Even though Lexa had assured her she wasn't ending whatever they had, a small part of Raven still worried that Lexa was cushioning a hard blow to come. 

“Shhhh… you’re thinking too loud Rae…” Lexa said and Lexa’s breath near her ear made her shiver again. 

“Sorry...” Raven said. 

Lexa chuckled. 

It was beautiful, the night, the feeling of Lexa humming something sweet near her ear, Raven closed her eyes and allowed herself to just revel in this comfort, in these arms around her, she tried to focus on the feeling of Lexa’s hands that couldn’t seem to decide if they were happier on her waist, her hips, or her back, and finally they found rest as one on her waist, and one against her back.

At Least 20 minutes would have passed that way, of them swaying together slowly under the night sky until Raven felt like she would combust from pure emotion 

“I keep waiting…” she said. 

“For?” Lexa asked softly. Her voice hoarse from not speaking for too long, she cleared her throat a bit and then lightly brushed her cheek against Ravens urging her to go on. 

“Waiting for this bubble to burst… to be pushed back into reality…” Raven said. 

Lexa waited her out, needing to hear anything else she might have to say. And finally, she said, “What if I told you it doesn’t need to…” 

Raven stilled. “Lexa, don’t… don’t paint dreams we can’t have…” 

Lexa now pulled away a little, and looked at Raven, green eyes meeting brown, and Lexa smiled softly. 

“Cookies,” Lexa said. 

Raven raised an eyebrow at her in question. 

“Clarke never shared her chocolate chip cookies, with anyone,” Lexa said. 

Raven gasped. Only two people knew that story. One of them had passed away. Her hands unwound from around Lexa and she took a step back. “Lex…” Raven started. 

“Abby… I spoke to Abby today…” Lexa admitted, 

“Lexa, what did you do? What did you tell her?” Raven sounded angry, accusatory. 

“Listen to me, Raven... Please… please… I promise you… just listen to me…” Lexa said, trying to close the distance between them again, but this time when she reached for Raven’s hands, Raven was frozen. Almost like she couldn’t bother holding Lexa’s hands back, but she’d let her hold them anyway. 

“Lexa…” Raven sounded like she could break any moment. “She’d hate me…” she said desperately. 

‘No, No Rae…” Lexa tried to comfort. 

“She’d hate me… I was Clarke’s best friend…” Raven said, her hand now coming up to cup her cries, her body trembling. 

“Raven. Please, you have to listen to me, it’s not what you think…” Lexa started, 

Raven turned to look out at the street. And she felt it the moment Lexa was standing behind her. After a minute of over-thinking, she took a deep breath finally, calming herself down, curiosity getting the better of her, and then asked “What did she say?”

Lexa came up behind Raven, and wound her arms slowly around Raven’s middle, and kissed the back of her head, breathing in the soft scent of her shampoo, she then rested her chin on Raven’s shoulder and said. 

“At first, she assumed we were... well, I had been cheating on Clarke...” Lexa said. 

Raven stiffened in her embrace. “But I assured her, no such thing happened. I assured her, we only began to fall for one another after Clarke’s passing. And we did our best to put the feelings to rest, to reject them, to deny them…” Lexa rushed to fill her in.

“She knows that’s why I went away…?” 

“She does. I told her. You did everything you could to make sure we don’t act on our feelings for one another… just so that we would never be dishonoring Clarke…” Lexa stated.

“We were dishonoring her, weren't we?” Raven said. Lexa stayed silent. 

“It’s in the past now Raven, what I'm trying to say is, I explained it to Abby, all of it. And she told me a story...”

“About the cookies?” Raven asked. 

“Hmm...” Lexa hummed into her skin and again, shivers of the good kind crept through Raven’s skin. 

Lexa was waiting then. So Raven spoke. 

“It was so long ago, but it’s something I’ll never forget. I had overheard my parents talking about getting a divorce. And I was so torn that day. And Clarke, well she knew I was upset even though I never told her why. And well, what she did, it was so small a gesture, but from Clarke, it meant so much to me… I was happy to drown my pain in an extra cookie...” Raven chuckled. 

Lexa kissed Raven’s shoulder. “I know. She never shared her cookies with me. Never. The one time I stole one from her plate, I learned a hard lesson.” Lexa said. 

Raven chuckled some more and Lexa smiled at the sound of it. 

“Abby wants us to be happy, Rae. She said Clarke would want us to be happy. Clarke would want you to have that peace.” 

Raven nodded. “So now?” she asked. 

“So I’m proposing, we let this bubble be our reality...” Lexa started. 

Raven turned around in Lexa's arms then, her features questioning. 

“I’m asking you, Raven Reyes, to be my girlfriend...” Lexa said. 

Raven looked at both of Lexa’s eyes, from right and left, green so stark even in the dark of night, but honesty and sincerity and love overflowing from them. 

“You really mean that?” Raven asked. 

“Yes. I know it’s not going to be easy, I know we’re gonna have a lot of people being so unaccepting of it, but I don’t care about anyone else right now, I just don’t want to spend another minute second-guessing what I feel about you, what I know about us, I don’t wanna spend another second of us questioning if this love is wrong...it just can't be... not something so pure.” 

Raven nodded. Lexa raised an eyebrow in question. 

“Well, you haven’t asked me yet. ASK ME. ” Raven said, a hint of a smile at the corner of her lips. 

“Raven, will you be my girlfriend?” Lexa said with a wider, more hopeful smile. 

Rave smirled then and whispered close to Lexa’s lips “Yes”.

And Lexa’s lips were on her’s in a second, kissing softly, and ever so sweetly. 

Raven wound her arms around Lexa's neck and Lexa’s arms went around Raven’s beautiful body and they kissed like it was no one's business. Raven laughed suddenly.

“What?” Lexa asked. 

“I thought I would be leaving tonight, crying from a broken heart...” she said and then continued to kiss Lexa, making her forget whatever she wanted to say in reply. 

But Lexa being Lexa broke the kiss and said “You’re not leaving tonight at all.” 

Raven bit her own lip on hearing that, staring at Lexa’s kiss-swollen lips now. 

“No?” Raven asked teasingly. 

“No… Raven… come home please…”   
Raven looked into those beautiful green eyes again and saw the pleading in them. 

“I want you here, I want to wake up with you by my side, and I want to fall asleep with you by my side, and I want you to make me breakfast like you used to before, and I’ll make us breakfast too of course, but I just…” 

Lexa’s rant was cut short by another kiss, deep and passionate. 

“I’ll move back in...” Raven assured and continued to kiss. Lexa’s hands grew explorative, moving from Raven’s back to her hips and then behind to the curve of her ass and she lightly squeezed, pulling Raven’s hips closer to hers. 

Raven gasped in the kiss and laughed. When their kiss slowed down, turned lazy and languid, Raven said to Lexa, "This is not going to be easy, you know Lex…” 

“I know… but I’m alright with that. I’ll deal with that if I get to come home every evening and lay next to you...” Lexa said. 

Raven smiled and kissed her some more. 

“I love you Lexa Woods” 

“I love you, Raven Reyes” 


	45. Chapter 45

Chapter 45: 

Lexa stepped away and took Raven’s hand in hers and masterfully picked up both their wine glasses in the other hand and led her back inside. 

Raven kept her eyes on the gentle hold Lexa had on her, it felt, perfect. This was perfect. This was the start of something. 

Lexa placed their wine glasses down on the center table, and then began to lead Raven closer to the staircase. Only then did it dawn on Raven, Lexa was not stopping by the couch. She was taking her… upstairs. 

“Lexa…” Raven said and froze. 

Lexa stepped closer to her, knowing full well what her apprehension was. 

“No, we can’t… I can’t... It would be so wrong for me to…” Raven was stuttering. 

“Shhh” Lexa said coming in close, and calming Raven’s racing nerves with a kiss. Making sure Raven was weak at the knees again before softly whispering 

“I’m not going to have us sleep on the sofa bed any longer…” Lexa said. 

“But, Lexa, you don’t understand… That’s… that was Clarke's and your space… I don’t want to…” Raven began 

“Do you trust me, Raven?” Lexa asked. 

“I do, you know I do” Raven rushed to let her know. 

“Then just let me take you upstairs…” Lexa said, and the look in her eyes told Raven she’d taken care of this. So Raven gave her the benefit of the doubt and nodded. This time though, instead of taking her hand again, Lexa leaned down and carried Raven up in her arms. Raven gasped and then chuckled, leaning in to kiss Lexa. 

“Don’t distract me while I’m on the stairs...” Lexa warned as she took the first step up. 

“Or else?” Raven challenged

“Or else I’ll put you down and eat you out right here...” 

Raven’s eyes grew dark, that tingly sensation between her legs made itself more known. 

“On the staircase?” Raven asked. 

“On the staircase.” Lexa confirmed. 

Raven immediately tried to lean in to kiss Lexa and distract her again. Lexa laughed 

“Insatiable” she said. 

“Come on! Rules are rules.” Raven said. 

“If it were any other night, I’d have done it. I’m not letting the staircase leave marks on your skin tonight. The only marks you’re waking up with will be credited to me…” Lexa said confidently. 

Raven’s breath hitched once more at the thought, but she decided to just be patient and let Lexa have this.

When Lexa kicked the door open and stepped inside and put Raven down, Raven noticed the entire room looked different. 

“What did you do?” Raven asked. She noticed the bed was new, the whole room looked different. 

“I shifted things around, got a new bed, repainted the walls…” Lexa said softly. 

Raven walked further in slowly and lightly touched the sheets, they felt so soft under her fingers.

“Why?” she asked. 

“Before you start thinking I did all of this just for you, umm, I didn’t. I actually renovated the room last year. I needed to start seeing this part of my life without always being reminded of what I’d lost, and part of that process I realized, was about changing my scene, so I moved things around. The bed? Well that I did today.” 

Raven turned around to look at Lexa with worry etched in her features. 

“I didn’t throw it out. It’s kept in storage. I mean, not that I intend on bringing it back, and I know it’s stupid, it’s not supposed to be such a big deal...” lexa was rambling now. 

Raven rushed to Lexa and hugged her tight. 

“No. No of course it’s big deal. She was your wife, Lex. And just because we’re going to be a thing now, I don’t want you to feel like it’s wrong to remember her. She was my best friend. I would be hurt if you don’t remember her. And I know you got the bed replaced for me, and I’m grateful, but I also know how hard that must have been for you...” 

Lexa kissed Raven’s cheek, and then her lips, and wouldn’t stop kissing her. 

“I mean, as long as you’re still not screaming her name when my face is between your legs” Raven joked as she reveled in the onslaught of kisses. 

Lexa chuckled. “I’m sorry about that, you know that right?” Lexa said sincerely. 

“I do” Raven said sincerely, wanting to reassure her that that was behind her now. 

“I can’t forget Clarke, I don’t want to. But I do want to make new memories with you, Raven… starting right now.” Lexa said, slowly walking them towards the bed, without stopping the kiss. Raven chuckled when the back of her legs touched the bed and Lexa slowly put her down, Raven scooted up, then sat up and quickly got rid of her top. Lexa watched hungrily as she crawled up between Raven’s legs. 

Raven unhooked her bra and threw it aside, letting her breasts hang freely, and immediately Lexa’s mouth latched onto a nipple. 

Raven moaned sweetly. Her hands caressing Lexa’s face, and immediately letting her fingers move through Lexa's brown hair. 

“Lex, slow down… oh… we have time…” Raven reminded her they were in no hurry now. 

Lexa kissed against her skin and obeyed, slowing her ministrations down, and Raven regretted it. It was torturously sweet and too slow now. 

She reached down below her to unbutton her own jeans, but Lexa did it for her. Letting her breasts go just to get the offending material out of the way. Raven was bare before her now. 

‘“Come here, don’t look at me like that” Raven said, pulling Lexa down to kiss her again, her own hands moving to unbutton Lexa’s shirt. 

“Like what?” Lexa asked. 

“Like I’m desert” Raven said. 

“But you are” Lexa said. 

“You had dinner already?" Raven said pulling away completely from the kiss. 

“No, but I couldn't be bothered,” she said as she leaned back in to continue kissing Raven. She then pulled back thoughtfully and said “We’ll order in, if you’re hungry.” 

Rave nodded and desperately pulled Lexa back in to kiss her. Once Lexa’s shirt and bra were out of the way, Raven reached down to Lexa’s jeans. 

“GET THESE OFF!” she commanded. 

“Aye aye, mi lady” Lexa said, again, disconnecting to get the last of their clothes out of the way, and finally, their bodies reunited, with a soft sigh from them both, as skin touched skin, flesh pressed against flesh, enveloped in one another's warmth again. 

“Oh… this feels good” Lexa said, her thigh pushing up between Raven’s legs and finding her wet and warm. 

“Don’t tease, Lexa, please... Just touch me…” Raven said breathlessly. 

Lexa reached down between Raven’s legs and played in her sticky folds. 

“Ohh yes… I love when you get this way for me…” Lexa said, referring to just how wet Raven was. and then resumed kissing along the column of Raven’s neck. 

Raven smiled. Lexa was going to drive her crazy. She spread her legs out wider, letting Lexa have more room,

“Mmm, you like this…” Lexa said. 

“Lexa…!” Raven whined. And so Lexa let her slick fingers move up and find Raven's clit, where she rubbed her thumb across it and around it. 

Raven bit her own lip, desperate now for more. 

Lexa’s lips sucked at her pulse point and then she nibbled at the skin making Raven moan again, she soothed the skin with her tongue, and then her lips traveled lower, once more explorative until they stopped at her breasts again. 

Raven panted out loud, her back arched. “Yes… Lex” she moaned. 

Her fingers tangled themselves in Lexa’s hair, holding her just so, as Lexa sucked harder on her nipple, and she inserted two fingers into Raven…

"Ohhhh” Raven moaned! “Move!” she instructed. 

So Lexa began thrusting, slowly at first and then quickening up her pace, Raven was beginning to see stars behind her eyes.

“God! I love you Rae” Lexa whispered into her skin, right between the valley of her breasts and then caught her other nipple between her lips, rolling it around her tongue, nibbling on it and tugging it, and going faster between Raven’s legs! 

“Lexa! I love you… oh yes, yes yes!” She was so close, but she needed more. 

Just then she found an added pressure, Lexa was grinding her own clit down on the back of her hand as she thrust into Raven, and Raven was so turned on by the idea of them coming together again. She started thrusting her hips forward, meeting Lexa’s hand with ever thrust so that Lexa got just the added pressure she needed. 

“Keep at it!” she panted out to Lexa. Lexa couldn't bring herself to focus on Raven’s breasts, she was losing all control, a sweet tingly sensation had taken over her lower back, she pushed hard against her own hand causing Raven to moan even louder. 

She held herself above Raven, face to face, she watched Raven struggle to keep her eyes open, she was so lost in the throes of passion. 

“Raven! Oh Raven! Rae… just there! Oh yes…” she said as she kept pushing and grinding. 

“God! Lex, you’re so hot!” Raven said. “So good at this!” she said and Lexa smiled smugly and leaned in to steal a kiss, and she tried, she really tried to keep the kiss going but they were so close, so close now, 

“Almost there!” Raven whispered at her mouth...

“Come for me, come against my fingers Rae…!” Lexa breathlessly spoke into her cheek and then curled her fingers up into Raven, causing Raven to moan her loudest yet, Lexa’s name a prayer on her lips as Lexa kept hitting that spongy texture of her g-spot, just right, every thrust, she hit it right and Raven’s body jerked in pleasure, as Lexa too grinded harder and harder down against he brown hand until she too was coming hard, watching Raven’s face contort in the throes of their orgasm.

“OH LEXA! YES! GOD! Lexaaaa...” she moaned out loud and clear, as she rode the orgasm, and Lexa breathed quick and fast against her ear, coming with her, tirelessly and wholly. 

When they were done, Lexa slumped down against Raven’s body, laying against her, flat and tired. 

“Oh! That was good!” Lexa said, still breathing hard. Raven was able to bring her breathing back to normal quicker than Lexa as she’d been the bottom this time, she let her fingers trace patterns along Lexa’s back until she was sure, Lexa had calmed down too… she could feel Lexa’s wetness dripping against her and the feeling was beautiful… she closed her eyes, this is what she wants. This right here. Making love to Lexa Woods, she thought as she kissed the sides of Lexa’s face, her shoulder, until Lexa was lifting her upper body a little using her hands and elbows to hold her up, just enough so she could look at Raven’s face with those eyes of adoration…

They began to kiss softly and slowly again, they had all the time in the world…

“I love the sound of my name on your lips,” Lexa said to Raven…

  
“Lexa…” Raven whispered it with a naughty smile for her pleasure.

  
Lexa laughed softly and kissed her “say it again,” Lexa said. 

  
“Oh Lexaaa” Raven said, mimicking the way she moaned it out just minutes ago, she watched Lexa’s eyes go dark again

  
“Lexa…you’re sooo amazing!” Raven teased, playing into Lexa’s praise kink

  
“Okay enough,” Lexa said, shutting her up with a passionate kiss, 

“I want to taste you...” Raven said between soft kisses and caresses, their hands so explorative over skin, gentle and soft, moving along the others body with every intention of making the other feel safe, warm, and ever so secure and loved. 


	46. Chapter 46

Chapter 46: 

“Okay then…” Lexa moved off Raven's body, but then Raven said…  
  
“No, wait… I meant… maybe you could...ride my face?” 

Lexa’s eyes widened 

“Wow, no ones ever asked me that so outrightly” 

“Well, I’m bold with my words” Raven said, winking. 

“You sure?” Lexa asked, sitting up and straddling Raven’s hips and leaning down again to kiss her. 

“There’s nothing I want more right now” Raven assured her. So Lexa bit her own lip at the thought and then slowly, they adjusted their positions, so that Lexa’s knees were on either side of her face, Lexa held the headboard of their bed. 

“Raven… are you…” Lexa started to ask again.

But Raven wasted no time, she gripped Lexa’s hips and brought her center down on her lips and Lexa’s eyes shut of their own accord as she found she lost control of her knees holding her up. It took everything in her to lift herself off higher. 

“I was not ready!” she whined.

“What’s to be ready?” Raven protested, gripping her hips once more and pulling them down. 

“You gotta warn a woman, Raven!”

“Where’s the fun in that?!” she said, and this time, Lexa slowly lowered her hips, until she felt Raven’s lips connect with hers deliciously. She moaned aloud, slowly grinding her hips in sync with Raven’s very talented tongue. 

“Lexa, you taste so good!” 

“Ohhhh” Lexa said, feeling Raven’s lips dig into her skin tortuously and then her tongue dip between her folds into her center.

“Yesss, OH!” Lexa was losing control over her own breathing again, she couldn't believe the sensations she was feeling running through her body, she looked down and was faced with the most delicious sight ever, Raven’s face, nose and lower, was wet, Lexa was dripping on to her face…

“Oh baby!” Lexa exclaimed, watching. 

“Keep going, babe….. Ugh! I can feel you dripping into my lips” Raven said 

And Lexa really needed to have a talk with her about how this praise kink should not be misused, but she knew Raven was trying to make this a mind-blowing experience, so Lexa decided to stop overthinking it and just let go, and as she decided that, she held on tighter to the headboard with one hand, slid her fingers into Raven’s hair with the other to hold her head in place, and she began to grind down against her lover’s lips. 

“Yes! Right there… keep your lips and tongue just so…” she ordered and she grinded down on her face, swaying and rolling her hips as her orgasm started to build.

Raven’s hands found her butt and squeezed intermittently, causing Lexa to feel even more...

“Yes! Oh BABY! Oh RAVEN! So close!” 

“Raven latched her lips onto Lexa’s clit and sucked violently, and Lexa’s body shivered and shook as the orgasm took over, Raven reached up to squeeze her breast as her body shook with pleasure, taking over her entire being, and Raven felt warm liquid gushing out of Lexa onto her lips and face, she licked and sucked and reveled in the taste of Lexa. 

When Lexa finally finished, she quickly got off Raven, and instead of laying down, she pulled open her bedside drawer, and picked out a wet wipe, and laid down beside Raven and looked at her. 

Raven was biting her own lip and staring at Lexa. Her face looked gorgeous, glistening in the low light of the room, with evidence of Lexa’s orgasm. 

“Oh god! You look like a hot mess.” Lexa said, as she carefully wiped at Raven’s face, 

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.” Raven said. 

“That smart mouth of yours is just way too talented,” Lexa said. 

“Finally, the recognition I deserve” Raven retorted. 

when she threw the wet wipe aside, Lexa leaned in and softly kissed Raven, tasting herself off her lover’s lips. Raven moaned at the lovely mix of flavours. 

“Are you tired?” Raven asked between their slow kisses. 

“Not really…are you hungry?” Lexa asked.

“Are you seriously asking me that after I just ate out between your legs?" Raven asked, incredulously. 

“I mean real food, babe” Lexa argued.

  
“Okay, yes, I could do with some food” Raven said. 

So Lexa disconnected their lips and made to get up, but Raven wasn’t having any of it. 

“No, wait. Wait here a little longer” Raven whispered.   
"Okay” Lexa said, starting to kiss down Raven’s neck slowly and lazily. 

“Hmmmm” Raven moaned contentedly. “I could get so used to this…” 

“Good, I’m not letting you out of my sight, Raven Reyes” Lexa said.

“Sounds good to me” said Raven. 

After a while of kissing and caressing, and whispering sweet nothings in one another's ears, Lexa suddenly remembered something she’d been wanting to ask. 

“That day, in Livvy’s room, you were going to suggest... Well, you were saying something and you backtracked…” Lexa said 

“Ah” Raven said, hiding her face in the crook of Lexa’s neck. 

“You can tell me now…” 

“It's just… you said you wanted to have a kid yourself…sometime in the future...” Raven said

“Ahaan” Lexa urged her on. “And you insinuated that I could have my own if I found someone…” Raven said

“Ahaan” Lexa said, knowing where this was going, wanting it to go there. 

“So… it’s silly, let it be” Raven said. 

“No, tell me” Lexa said, now leaning over Raven, watching her intently. 

“I wanted to tell you, that we could have a baby together… if you’re up for it…I would even carry for us…if you want...” Raven said, hesitantly

Lexa’s eyes stayed glued to Raven’s for a second. 

“See I told you it sounds silly-” Raven tried to play it down. 

Raven was cut off my Lexa’s lips, hungrily kissing her own. 

“I want that too. God, I pictured it that day. I pictured what it would be like to hold you and kiss you and caress your pregnant belly... I berated myself for thinking it, but god! I want it." 

“And what did it feel like, picturing that?” Ravne asked, smiling, 

“Perfectly splendid,” Lexa said, Raven laughed. 

“We’ll get there. Soon. Not so soon, but definitely...” Lexa said. 

“Yea, I can’t imagine you’d want a baby so soon, I mean, you just got hold of these, can’t have anyone else claiming them right now.” Raven said looking down at her bare breasts. 

Lexa laughed and her hand came up to squeeze one of Raven’s breasts causing her to gasp. 

“You’re damn right. For now, they’re all mine” she said, as she leaned down again, starting to suck relentlessly at Raven’s breast 

“You and your obsession with boobs” Raven teased, 

Lexa's fingers tickled Raven’s sides, causing Raven to laugh and moan, enjoying the feeling of being reunited with Lexa. Her Lexa. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end of this Lexaven story. :)   
> Thank you everyone for reading. I really appreciate your time. 
> 
> If you guys have any prompts for Clexa, or more Lexaven, feel free to drop them in the comments section.   
> Also, do leave me your thoughts on this story. 
> 
> Lots of love.


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